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ACV: Руки дьявола - лишь праздные игрушки | The Devil's Hands are Idol PlaythingsАвтор сценария: Ken Keeler
Режиссёр: Rich Moore
"THE DEVIL'S HANDS ARE IDLE PLAYTHINGS"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: See You On Some Other Channel. Above
the caption Fry, Bender and Leela are heroes in an oval.]
[Fry and Bender's Lounge. It's the middle of the night. A bad
rendition of The Grumpy Snail comes from Fry's room. Bender,
wearing pyjama trousers, pokes his head around the corner from
Huh?I choose to not understand these
[He puts his hand on the doorknob and turns it.]
[Cut to: Fry's Bedroom. The door opens and Bender sees Fry sat
on his bed playing the holophonor. The green holographic smoke
snakes upwards from it but he can't form a picture.]
[Fry quickly hides the holophonor behind him.]
Bender?? I was just not playing the
[He wafts the smoke away with his hand.]
Yeah well you should try not stinking
I am trying. (ashamed) I've been taking
Lessons? Oh that's rich! Isn't it time
you gave up all hope of ever improving
yourself in any way?
I know I should but I just can't. Remember
when I had those stomach worms that
made me smart? I could play the holophonor
and it made Leela like me.Hey Bender,
as long as you know, I have a holophonor
recital Tuesday and I'd really like
to have somebody there. Please?
Fine I'll go already. Y'know sometimes
I wish your real parents were still
[He and Fry hug.]
[Outside Holophonor School. The sign reads "Holophonor Teacher.
Taking The Joy Out Of Music For 20 Years." Fry and Bender ride
some Segways on the pavement and Fry crashes his into Bender's.]
[Holophonor School. The room is decorated like an old woman's
home, being as the teacher herself is an old woman. A mother
straightens her son's hair and the teacher approaches Fry and
Bender with a tray.]
Uh...hello Mrs Mellenger.
Hello Philip.And you must be Mr Bender.
Philip's told me so much about you.
Is it true that you're a robot?
I prefer the term "love machine."
[He growls sexfully.]
[Time Lapse. Everyone sits down and watches the kid with the
untidy hair play Beethoven's Für Elise on his holophonor. The
holographic smoke whirls around and forms a picture of an elegantly
dressed man and woman. The man plays an open grand piano and
the woman sits on it. Some steps fly around the back of the man
and the woman gets up and walks up them. The man follows her
as they climb into the clouds. A barrel rolls under them and
scores 100 points for each like in the Donkey Kong game. The
audience applauds. Bender leans over to the kid's mother.]
Wow, your kid is great. How hard did
you say you had to hit him?
[Fry puts My First Holophonor on the music stand. He flips through
it, sits down and clears his throat.]
[He carries on playing then starts playing badly. The snail turns
into a slimy, salivating beast and starts growling at the audience.
(crying) It's too grumpy!
[A man screws up a piece of paper and throws it at Fry. More
people throw paper at Fry and the snail disappears.]
Ow! No! Quit it! Stop it!
[Bender stands up, applauds and cheers. The audience stares at
Mr Bender, I simply can not teach your
Then good day madam!We hope to see
you soon for tea.
[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender and Fry sit at the table with
It's hopeless. I can hear all this great
music in my head but my stupid hands
can't keep up.
Aww, you know what always cheers me
up? Laughing at other people's misfortunes.
[He laughs at Fry's misfortune. Enter Leela with a clipboard.]
Hey guys, you missed a great delivery
to Space Earth. Where you been all afternoon?
Ooo was it jazz-noodling? My ex-boyfriend
Sean played the sax. I used to listen
for hours while he sat naked on my couch
So musicians really Rodger your Hammerstein
Yeah, it's weird. Sean was uneducated,
unambitious. He was pastey and hunched...
(quietly) Pretty boy.
...But when he played I could sense
this incredible, beautiful creative
soul. Then one day I found someone else's
couch fibres on his butt.
[She walks out into the meeting room, muttering to herself. The
door closes behind her and Fry stands up from the table.]
It could be my beautiful soul sitting
naked on her couch if I could just learn
to play this stupid thing.
[Bender stands up.]
Oh but you can. Although you may have
to metaphorically make a "deal with
the devil." And by "devil" I mean "Robot
Devil." And by "metaphorically" I mean
"get your coat."
[Robot Hell. Hellbots torture damned robots in the burning cave
underneath The Inferno and they scream in pain. Beelzebot and
his band of Hellbots practice the Robot Hell song. He plays his
golden fiddle and then suddenly stops.]
God, you hit a sour note about 200 years
back Doug!Let's take it from the top.
Ah Bender, Fry. You've come back for
more eternal damnation.
[Bender stands up and dust himself off.]
No, this isn't a religious visit. Fry
just wants holophonor lessons.
[Fry stands up.]
Yep. I need to get really good without
[The Robot Devil cackles evilly.]
Hell is full of ten year olds who wanted
exactly the same thing. Trouble is,
you have what my old music teacher Mrs
Mellenger called "stupid fingers."
With hands like that you'll be lucky
to master a belt buckle.Now wouldn't
it be nice if you had a pair of robot
hands to replace them?
Sure it would.Oh well. Goodbye.
[He turns around and Bender stops him.]
Fry you smelly idiot, I think he's willing
to make some kind of deal with the devil
He is?Great! Wait, what's the catch?
No catch. I'll merely pick a robot at
random from somewhere in the universe
- probably one you've never even met
- and then I'll remove his hands and
switch them for yours.It's just the
sort of guy I am, what do you say?
I don't know. It doesn't seem entirely
moral to -
Fry if you don't take this offer right
now I will lose all respect for you
and punch you.
[The Robot Devil giggles and drums his fingers on the huge Wheel
Of Robots in anticipation of Fry's decision.]
Well...alright. You sure I probably
won't know him?
Definitely probably not.Just sign
[Fry signs the contract and the Robot Devil pulls it away from
And here we go!
[He spins the huge wheel and cackles insanely.]
I got a hundred bucks on Rectal-Exambot!
[They watch as the wheels cycles through hundreds of robots.
It begins to slow down. The arrow passes Emotitron Jr from Bender
Should Not Be Allowed On TV, Ceiling Fan from Mother's Day and
Hookerbot from Hell Is Other Robots. It reaches "Bender" and
slows down even more and just manages to pass it, finally coming
to rest on "Robot Devil." The Robot Devil screams.]
Robot Devil? I get your hands? Zam!
Oh what an appallingly ironic outcome.
It's not ironic it's just coincidental.
Now fork over those lady-fingers cookie!
[Fry holds out his hands and the Robot Devil sighs. He takes
a meat cleaver out of his chest cabinet.]
Y'know I only put my name on there as
a show of good faith for the other robots.
Stop being such a baby and chop my hands
Oh very well.
[He very quickly chops and swaps Fry's and his hands. Fry looks
at his new hands.]
(impressed) How'd you do that?
They're very good hands.
[Fry flexes his new fingers.]
At last! At last I have the power to
make Leela love me.
[The hands grab his around the throat and start to choke him.]
Oh sorry, that'll wear off in a couple
[He looks at his new hands and Fry falls to the floor, still
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Next morning Farnsworth, Hermes,
Leela, Amy, Zoidberg and Bender are sat around the table. Enter
Check it out everyone. I'm back from
hell and I've got the Robot Devil's
Neat! Let's see a trick.
[He spins off Bender's head and starts to completely dismantle
him. Then he starts juggling the pieces. Bender panics as he
juggles. Enter Scruffy.]
Somebody called the Robot Devil's here
to see somebody called Fry.
[He quickly puts Bender back together and runs out.]
Where'd I go just now?
[Planet Express: Entrance. Fry walks into the foyer where the
Robot Devil is already standing.]
Hello Fry.Just dropped by to make
sure you're as happy with our little
deal as I am.Give me back my hands!
These things are always touching me
Yeah, they get around! But I'm afraid
we had a deal.
[The Robot Devil groans.]
It looks like I wasted a bus trip.
Yes you did.
[Montage Later that night Fry sits in his bedroom playing The
Grumpy Snail much better than before. The next day he plays Beethoven's
Für Elise to Mrs Mellenger. Like the kid who played it before,
the formally dressed man and woman dance. A formally dressed
grumpy snail slides between them and the man dances with him
instead. A barrel rolls down the steps and knocks the woman over.
At Hovercar-Negie Hall Fry plays with a full orchestra to a captivated
audience. His holo-dancers dance to the music and twist around
the grumpy snail's eyestalks. The audience goes wild. From a
balcony Leela watches with tears in her eyes. She applauds.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. There is an advertisement on TV presented
by the grumpy snail. At the side of the screen is a picture of
Fry in an oval holding his holophonor underneath "Fry's Greatest
GRUMPY SNAIL [ON TV]
Yes, now you can hear holophonor virtuoso
Philip Fry play 900 of his classic themes
in your own home on this two-record
set.That's over 30 minutes of music
for only $14.99.
[Fry sits on the couch bored. Zoidberg picks up the phone and
Only $14.99 for a two-record set. Two
records! Oh Zoidberg, at last you're
becoming a crafty consumer!Hello?
I'll take eight!
[The doorbell rings. Scruffy walks in from the meeting room and
points back the way he came.]
Mr Hedonismbot to see you.
Show him in.
Very good sir.
[He leaves. Enter Hedonismbot.]
Ah Fry, congratulations. Your latest
performance was as delectable as dipping
my bottom over and over into a bath
of the silkiest oils and creams!
Thank you sir, that's exactly what I
was going for.
You were the sole diversion in what
has been a pale and unamusing season.
And so I would feign commission you
write an opera.
[He drops a bunch of grapes into his mouth.]
But, I've never written an opera.
And I've never heard one. Still, if
you can keep me amused through the overture
I shall consider it a smashing success.
But I wouldn't even know what to write
about. Unless...OK I'll do it. If
I can make it about Leela.
[Leela stops eating and turns around.]
A man writing an opera about a woman?
Oh sera, how deliciously absurd!I
shall see you at the premiere.
[He walks out the door, laughing.]
[Planet Express: Hangar. Late at night Leela hammers something
inside the ship's port wing when she hears some music. She stops
hammering and looks around.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic. Leela walks in trying to trace
the sound. She sees holographic silhouettes coming from underneath
a door like Bender did in the apartment.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Leela opens the door
and sees Fry sat on the balcony playing the holophonor. In his
image two stick figures dance. He stops playing and writes some
notes on a music sheet.]
Is it part of the opera?
[Fry turns around and quickly puts the holophoner down.]
Leela!You shouldn't be listening.
I-I don't want you to hear it 'til it's
But it's so beautiful.
So's a peacock but you don't eat it
'til it's cooked. This has to be perfect.
I want you to hear exactly what I hear
when I think about you.
Oh Fry. All this time you've had this
incredible gift and I never knew. I've
been a fool. A fully justified prudent
fool.They're so cold.
[Planet Express: Kitchen. The next morning Bender wanders into
the kitchen humming with a towel wrapped around his waist. He
opens the fridge and screams. The Robot Devil leaps out of it.]
Ah Bender, this is a surprise! For you.
Finding me in the refrigerator.
True but at least I don't have the hiccups
anymore. What up?
Oh well it so happens I'm in the mood
to make a deal with you.
[He puts his arms on Bender's shoulders but Bender pushes him
Forget it, you can't tempt me.
[He walks over and opens a cupboard.]
(tempting) Really? There's nothing you
Hm. I forgot you could tempt me with
things I want.Well, I suppose I've
always wondered what it would be like
to be more annoying.
[The Robot Devil chuckles.]
Nothing simpler! And all I ask in return
is you hands.To replace these bony
Grabby and Squeezy? Never! I love these
[The Robot Devil groans.]
Is there anything else you would part
No, nothing ain't gonna happen.
[Time Lapse. The Robot Devil screws a huge white airhorn into
Bender's nose slot.]
Yes! With this built-in stadium airhorn
I can really annoy people. And all it
cost me was my crotchplate.
[He bends over, puts his hand in his chest cabinet and wiggles
his hand between his legs.]
You certainly are a shrewd businessman
Bender.Now find someone and give 'em
a good blast!
Yeah, that'll teach the first person
I see a lesson!
[He walks off.]
Ah, my ridiculously circuitous plan
is one-quarter complete!
[He cackles evily...again.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Amy is sat on the couch eating
a buggalo leg. Leela puts her handbag on her shoulder.]
Well, Fry's opera premiere's tomorrow
night. I'm off to find a pair of formal
gloves that'll fit over my enormous
[Cut to: Planet Express: Corridor. Leela walks through the door
into the corridor between the lounge and meeting room and walks
straight into Bender who blasts her with a blast from his airhorn.
She holds her ears to block out the tremendous noise. Bender
stops and laughs. The Robot Devil peeks around the corner from
the meeting room.]
Pretty annoying, huh Leela?
(shouting) What? Are you talking? Oh
God I'm deaf!
Oops. I'm so so sorry Leela. I just
wanted to annoy you.
(shouting) What? Oh this is horrible.
I won't be able to hear Fry's opera.
[She starts to cry. The Robot Devil stands at the end of the
corridor watching them.]
Ah how delightfully ironic.
It's not ironic, it's just mean. Take
[He blows the airhorn weakly.]
Ooh! Out of aerosol? Also ironic!
Oh yeah? Well bite my shiny metal -
(shouting) Oh nooo!
[Outside Metropolitan House Of Opera. It's premiere night. Fry
has entitled his opera "Leela: Orphan Of The Stars."]
[Cut to: Metropolitan House Of Opera Auditorium. People stand
on an upper level and wait for flying booths to carry them off
to the upper gallery. The entire Planet Express crew except Fry
sit a few rows back from the front wearing formal clothes.]
Nobody tell Fry I'm deaf. If he found
out I couldn't hear his opera, it'd
break his heart.
[A booth carrying Hedonismbot and his servants flies over the
Courtesans and gentle fops. I bid you
welcome to my opera.Let us cavort
like the Greeks of old. (sexfully) You
know the ones I mean.
[The booth flies away and an orchestra plays. The lights dim,
the orchestra stops and a spotlight follows Fry as he walks across
the stage with his holophonor. The audience applauds and cheers.]
[Zoidberg leans forward to some people in front.]
I watch TV with that guy!
[Fry bows and sits down. He starts to play. The smoke forms an
image of a sign. "Scene 1. Wherein Leela Is Found At The Orphanarium."
The holo-scene changes to the steps of Cookieville Minimum Security
Orphanarium. The people are real actors with holographic costumes.
A group of Holo-orphans watch as a Holo-Vogel steps out of the
building and sees holo-Leela in a basket.]
(singing) Who is this one-eyed female
With courage in her female baby smile.
(singing) A saviour from the stars,
Or something stranger still.
(singing) Or just some lonely filthy
[In the audience Leela leans to Amy.]
Amy, Fry's looking at me. What am s'posed
to be feeling?Ah!
[She turns back to the stage with her face screwed up in sadness.
Fry smiles and carries on playing.]
[Time Lapse. On the stage a big green Holo-Godzilla holds Holo-Fry
in it's hands. Holo-Bender watches as Holo-Leela points a laser
(singing) Leela! Leela Leela save him!
Save Fry, save Fry,
Godzilla will devour him,
As for me,
I must be off,
To have my doctor check this cough!
[He turns away but Godzilla slams his foot down and blocks his
path. In the audience Bender watches with great interest.]
I don't recall ever fighting Godzilla
but that is so what I would have done.
[Metropolitan House Of Opera Bar. It's the intermission and the
patrons are gathered outside the auditorium. Calculon and Preacherbot
talk while Florp laughs at one of Humorbot 5.0's jokes. Amy and
Hermes are at the bar.]
One diet double Martini please.
And for you sir?
I'll just have a Shirley Hemple.
[Tinny Tim wanders in with a newspaper, passing Leela who is
standing by the coat room door.]
Extra! Extra! World's greatest opera
only half over!
[Leela reads the headline.]
Half over? Oh, I'd give anything to
hear the rest.
[The coat door opens and Beelzebot is inside.]
Anything?Thank you sir.Now, as I
was saying, anything? Because I can
give you new robotic ears!
[He points at his ears.]
What? You can give me new ears? Wait,
what seemingly reasonable thing do you
want in return?
Just your hands my dear.
Whatever you said, forget it!
Alright, just one hand.
Just...my left hand? Um...uh...
Please take your seats for act two.
But I'm not done vomiting.
[He laughs. Leela looks at the people behind her.]
I can't stand it!OK. You can have
Wonderful!Just sign here.Calculon
old friend, I'm afraid I need your ears.
Well I do owe you for giving me this
unholy (dramatically) acting talent!
[The Robot Devil takes Calculon's ears off his head and puts
them into Leela's ears. She looks around and smiles.]
I can hear! I can hear like a safecracker!
Hey, aren't you gonna take my hand?
In good time, you go enjoy the opera.
[Leela gives him a shifty look but runs back into the auditorium
[Metropolitan House Of Opera Auditorium. Leela shuffles past
the rest of the crew and sits back in her seat. Fry plays the
scene in Robot Hell where the Robot Devil decided who's hands
to give him. Holo-Fry sees Leela as a winged angel.]
(singing) To win Leela's heart with
the holophonor's art,
I need hands of transcendental quickness.
(singing) Well I don't see any danger,
In gambling with a stranger,
For my head is of a most amazing thickness.
[He spins the Wheel Of Robots and falls over. The audience laughs.
At the back of the room the Robot Devil sees and growls. He stands
I'm stupid, I'm stupid,
I'm stupider than you,
I'm stupider than you in every way!
[The real Robot Devil jumps onto the stage.]
Stupider? Pah! This opera's as lousy
as it is brilliant!Your lyrics lack
subtlety. You can't just have your characters
announce how they feel. That makes me
Look, what do you want?
(singing) I want my hands back.
[He laughs menacingly and columns of flame explode behind him.
Fry stands up.]
(singing)A deal's a deal,
Even with a dirty dealer.
(singing) Very well,
Then I'll take what I want from Leela.
[The spotlight moves from the stage to Leela. Beelzebot extends
his arms and pulls her from her seat onto the stage.]
(singing) Leela has promised me her
[The audience gasps.]
(singing) Fry, you do not understand.
[The music slows down and the spotlight narrows as Leela walks
across the stage.]
I should have revealed I've been deafened by Bender,
But I feared you'd stop writing this musical splendour,
Deception's the curse of my whimsical gender,
He gave me mechanical ears,
Effective though just a bit garish,
In return without shedding a tear I agreed that I'd give him
(singing) ...In marriage!
(singing) You'd give me your hand in
[He gets down on one knee. The audience watches. Farnsworth watches
through some opera glasses, though are just as thick as his normal
(singing) Is this really happening or
just being staged?
(singing) It can't be real -
(singing) Not if Leela is engaged!
(singing) That isn't what I meant,
That isn't what I signed.
[The Robot Devil takes the contract out of his chest cabinet.]
(singing) You should have checked the
wording in the fine...Print!
(reading) I'll give you my hand...
[In the audience Bender reads from a dictionary.]
(singing) The use of words expressing
something other than their literal intention,
Now that is "irony!"
[The Robot Devil pulls Preacherbot out of his seat and onto the
(singing) I will marry her now and confine
her to hell,
Where Styx is a river,
And not just a band,
Though they'll play our reception if all goes as planned,
Unless Fry you surrender my hands!
[Fry looks at the hands on his wrists. The spotlight narrows
(singing) Destiny has cheated me by
forcing me to decide upon,
The woman that I idolise,
Or the hands of an automaton,
Without these hands I can't complete the opera that was captivating
But if I keep them,
And she marries him,
Then he probably won't want me dating her.
[The audience applauds and cheers. Nixon sits next to Morbo and
[Zapp the linguist sits on a balcony with a date.]
(singing) I can't believe the devil
is so unforgiving.
(singing) I can't believe everyone is
[Leela struggles to get out of Beelzebot's hold but he is holding
her too tightly. Fry gazes at his hands.]
(singing) By the power vested in me,
By the state of New New York -
No!Stop! Take my hands!
(singing) You evil metal dork!
[He falls to his knees and cries. The Robot Devil cackles, pulls
out his cleaver and chops his hands off Fry's wrists. Leela gasps.
The lights dim.]
Surgery in an opera? How wonderfully
decadent and just as I was beginning
to lose interest.The chocolate icing!
[The Robot Devil screws his hands back onto his wrists and Fry
looks at his own.]
My hands. My horrible human hands.
And what did you do to my nails?
I cleaned them. Now if you'll excuse
me it's my poker night and I feel lucky.
So it's back to hell for me. Come on
[He picks up Nixon's jar.]
[They vanish in a flash of smoke and flame. The audience murmur
in confusion and don't notice the Robot Devil running out of
the auditorium behind them.]
Less reality, more fantasy. Resume the
But I can't play anymore.
(shouting) Yes you can. The beauty was
in your heart, not your hands.The
music's bad and you should feel bad.
[The audience gets up and walks out, throwing paper at Fry along
Ah! Ooo, ah, whoa, hey!
[Outside Metropolitan House Of Opera. The audience flock out
of the opera house. Tinny Tim has a new newspaper.]
(shouting) Extra! Extra! Greatest opera
of all time sucks!
I'll take eight!
[He hands Tinny Tim some money and picks up a pile of newspapers.]
[Metropolitan House Of Opera. Fry sits alone on the stage in
the empty auditorium. He puts his holophonor on the floor and
gets up to leave.]
Please don't stop playing Fry. I wanna
hear how it ends.
[Fry turns around. Leela is the only person left in the room.
He smiles then sits down, picks up the holophonor and starts
to play. The smoke whirls around above him and forms a crude
cartoon-like image of him and Leela who turn to each other and
take hold of one another's hand. They kiss, turn around and walk
away towards the horizon, never taking their eyes off each other.]