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Укуси мой блестящий металлический зад! (3)
ACV: Шпанский Фрай | Spanish FryАвтор сценария: Ron Weiner
Режиссёр: Peter Avanzino
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. A remixed version of theme tune is performed.
Caption: Thanks For Watching, Futurama Slave Army (in AL1).]
[The Planet Express ship flies over Duraflame National Forest
and lands at a camping site.]
[Forest. The entire Planet Express staff are on a company outing
and are hiking through the woods.]
Oh Lord. Hiking is always such a strain
on the buttocks.
[He isn't actually walking, he is sat on a giant pair of legs
about 5ft high. A noise noises.]
Shh! What was that sound?
It wasn't a bird's nest falling. That
sounds like this.Aww, they're so cute
when they're scared!
I meant the sound Bigfoot just made.
He's been sighted a lot in this area
recently. Just last week a blind hiker
Don't tell me you actually believe in
Bigfoot you blathering ninny-hammer!
Of course I do! Bigfoot's my hero. Growing
up, he was the celebrity I most identified
'Cause he was a loner who hated the
popular monsters yet longed to be one.
(sadly) I can so relate to that.
[He cries and hugs Leela. She isn't impressed.]
Ugh, enough emotions! This isn't a fat
camp for God sake. (quietly) Though
you wouldn't know it from looking.
[Campsite. The crew set up camp. Zoidberg eats something, Leela
and Amy set up their pop-up tent, Fry hammers his tent pegs into
the ground with a frying pan and Bender lazes around with his
arms and legs tied round a tree so it looks like he is lying
in a hammock.]
Bender, if you want to sleep in the
tent tonight, you're welcome to join
me and Hermes for a little "just friends"
Nah, I'm comfy out here under the stars.
[Ranger Station. The Planet Express employees and other campers
are gathered in the log building. The ranger has set up a projection
screen at the front of the room and they all sit on rowed benches.]
Hey I'm Ranger Park the park ranger.
I get it!
Now since this area's a National Bigfoot
Reserve we'll start with a short film
about Bigfoot while I make a few phonecalls.
[He dims the lights and turns on the projector. "Bigfoot" appears
on the screen.]
That proves it!
[In the movie the Clearcutter cuts down some trees.]
[Park talks on the phone at the back of the room.]
It should say "Top Quality Exercycle
For Sale" and could you put "Top Quality"
in bold...? You can't? OK whatever.
[In the movie someone photographs the woods.]
[The movie ends with "The End" and "MMCMLXII - Most Rights Reserved."
Park hangs up.]
I-I gotta call you back.Alright, questions?
Yeah. Have yous ever seens Bigfeet?
Technically no. But I do see him each
night in my dreams and each day in the
silent faces of hairy children.
[Farnsworth stands up and shakes his fist.]
(shouting) Bunk! Bunk I say! Bring me
a bag full of Bigfoot's droppings or
[Bender stands up and points out the window.]
Oh my God its Bigfoot!
[Park holds up a camera and autograph book and runs to the window.]
Eh he's gone. He says you should keep
wasting your life though.
Oh! I saw Bigfoot crushing cars at the
What you saw was Bigfoot the monster
truck. But thanks for a great question.
[She walks out muttering. Fry puts his hand up.]
Sir, if I may, why don't you set up
like a billion video cameras in the
woods and see if he walks by one.
Ah, that would be very expensive. And
most people who believe in Bigfoot are
Hey look! Bigfoot! He's back!
[Park falls for it again.]
Up your face!Everybody do the Bender!
[And he does.]
[Campsite. Night has fallen. Leela and Amy lie on a blanket while
the others sit around the fire.]
The sky out here is amazing. Look at
all those satellites.
[The satellites fly around the sky like shooting stars. A Bachelor
Chow ad flies by along with a Drink Shiz! ad and one that reads
Top Quality Exercycle For Sale.]
[Time Lapse. Everyone has turned in for the night.]
[He disappears into his tent.]
[He and Hermes' silhouettes lie down. Amy's nude silhouette zips
closed her and Leela's tent. Leela's silhouette sprays her boots
with something. Fry pokes his head of his tent.]
You doin' alright out there buddy?
[Bender's head lights up like an insectocutor.]
Better than these gnats!That guy won't
be goin' home to his kids!
[Time Lapse. Everyone is sound asleep. Bender shivers and rotates
his head around him like an owl. Something coos.]
Who's that? A wolf? Or some kind of
boogen? Oh God I wish I was safe inside
a tent.(deep voice) Fry, Fry wake
up! It's me! Bigface!
[Cut to: Fry's Tent. Fry wakes up.]
[Cut to: Campsite. Fry emerges from his tent brushing his teeth.]
[He runs off into the woods. Bender emerges from the rock, chuckling.
He crawls into Fry's tent, crawls around panting like a dog and
finally lies down and turns out the light.]
[Cut to: Forest.]
Bigfoot? Is that you? I'm not like the
others Bigfoot. I see through your monster
coatings to the gentle loner inside.
I bet you have a wounded racoon friend
that you tenderly nurse back to health
and go......and in the end they shoot
you. But you teach us about things.
Oh, it's a flying saucer. (shouting)
Excuse me? You can't park here. The
parking area's over there.Wow nice
tube!Hey. Hey what's the big idea?
Stop abducting me. Why does your vanity
plate say "Probe 1"?
[He screams as he disappears inside the ship. The pipe retracts
back into the ship and it heads skyward.]
[Campsite. Morning has broken. Everyone crawls out of their tents
and yawn and stretch. Leela walks down the river and dunks her
There's nothing so refreshing as the
clean, crisp taste of old Canadian beer!
[She pulls a bottle out of the river and downs it. Hermes juggles
a toilet roll in his hands.]
Well, see you in an hour. I gotta go
do some business behind that tree.
[Behind the tree Hermes attaches the toilet roll to a calculator
and does some business - calculations. Bender struggles inside
Fry's tent and finally rips it apart and stands up.]
Bender, wasn't that Fry's tent?
[Bender makes mocking noises.]
Bender raises a good point, where is
[Cut to: Forest. Fry stumbles through the thicket with his back
turned à la The Blair Witch Project. A rat pokes its head out
of a packet of Cheez Nubs and screams.]
[Cut to: Campsite. Fry reaches the edge of the woods and walks
into the campsite, still with his back turned. He sounds like
his nose is blocked.]
Amy, you won't believe what happened......it
was so scary that you wouldn't -I
know but listen it gets even scarier.
Fry! What in Sega Genesis happened to
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
See -Why are you all staring at me
like that? Is there something on my
[Fry has no nose.]
Someone should tell him.
Tell me what?
Well I have a lot of experience telling
patients bad news so, let me break it
to him gently.(shouting) Fry you have
no nose! Your nose is gone! You have
no nose on your face! Where it is I
can't say but on your face it's not!
[He pokes his face and looks at his refelction in Bender's door.
Aww, I think it's sweet! You chopped
off your nose so you could look more
like your hero. Me, Bender!
Which last night?
In the woods, I was walking. For Bigfoot,
looking and then aliens beamed me up.
Were they little grey dudes with big
oval heads?I don't get that gesture.
Am I wrong?
Cheer up friend. When we get home a
high quality prosthesis will have you
looking good as new.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry is sat at the table wearing
joke glasses, nose and moustache.]
I'm a pathetic freak. My life is ruined.
Man, you are such a jokester!
I'll never have another moment of happiness.
[Everyone else falls about laughing.]
I know you're trying to mask your pain
with humour but don't worry. I'm sure
the Professor can clone you a new nose.
Well there's no sense fretting. Good
Lord you're ugly! The fact is your nose
is gone and we'll never find out who
did it or why.
[Enter Bender panting and gasping.]
(gasping) Guys, guys! There's something
[Spin to: Planet Express: Lounge. The crew sit and stand, watching
a news report.]
LINDA [ON TV]
Alien abductions: Until now, a harmless
nuisance. But recently they've taken
on a sinister dimension as unsuspecting
victims are returned...without noses!
[Behind her a picture of a normal man changes to a picture of
a man with no nose.]
MORBO [ON TV]
The culprits: Shameless poachers, hunting
humans without a permit.
[The scene on TV changes to a picture of a grey alien with a
gun over his shoulder. He holds a nose. Back to the studio.]
LINDA [ON TV]
The valuable nose or "human horn" fetches
a high price on alien worlds as an aphrodisiac.
My nose is an aphrodisiac?I'm gonna
drop a barf!
MORBO [ON TV]
Demand for human horn is great. Due
in part to titilating scenes from depraved
alien TV programmes too filthy for Earth
broadcast. Let's watch.
[The scene changes to two Neptunian lovers on a bed together.
The man holds up a cushion with two human horns on it. The woman
[He grates a horn onto her shoulder and licks it off. They make
out. Fry turns the TV off.]
Blech! We have to track down my nose
before some alien snarfs it and does
the worm. Who's in?
[Leela stand up.]
Me and Bender and maybe Zoidberg if
he feels like it.
No I'm good.
[The ship flies towards the huge Galalctic Bazaar: Offering Legal
Items etc. It is a run down space station with things sticking
out of it.]
[Cut to: Galactic Bazaar. The place is filled with aliens. The
trio walk past Joe Camel who tries on some shades. Fry is wearing
a strap on red nose. They walk past a stall where an alien buys
Lets see, I'll have a pancreas, two
sphincters and a large colon.
It's no use. We've been to ever scuzzy
bazaar in the galaxy, including Pottery
Wait, what's that?
[She points at The Beast With Two Bucks Sex Shoppe.]
[Cut to: Sex Shoppe. Enter Fry, Bender and Leela. The salesman
has a chameleon-like head.]
Welcome friends. How may I pervert you?
Uh, I'm looking for human horn.
(whispering) Shh! You're not cops right?
Of course not. In fact he's a crook.
[She points at Bender.]
Yep. Stolen Pez anyone?
[He holds up a Calculon-head Pez thing and hands them around.
The salesman eats it and pulls back a curtain.]
Right this way.
[Back Room. The salesman gets something from off a high shelf
and unwraps it. Inside is lots of human noses.]
Human horn. So fresh you can still see
the eyeglass marks.
[Fry looks at the noses.]
Nope, uh-uh, eww!Now look, this is
the nose we want. Did you sell it to
I'm sorry sir but due to the perverted
nature of our business, customer records
are strictly confidential.Right this
[Cut to: Back Back Room. The salesman pulls another curtain across.
In the room is a TV and a wall lined with video tapes.]
I video tape everyone who comes in here
so I can blackmail them later.Hey,
I'm a porno dealing monster, what do
I care what you think? Here's the weirdo
who bought your horn.
[He puts the tape in the machine. On the screen a familiar alien
walks into the Sex Shoppe badly disguised. Leela gasps.]
That's Lrrr! Ruler of the planet Omicron
LRRR [ON TV]
You got any uh, you know...
SALESMAN [ON TV]
Speak up! You're muttering!
LRRR [ON TV]
I said uh... (whispering) human horn?
LRRR [ON TV]
Oh no no, I'm just some guy. Ruler of
the planet Omicron Persei 8!
[The dealer hands him a horn over the counter. Fry and Leela
nod to each other.]
[The ship flies toward Omicron Persei 8 and lands outside the
[Omicroninan Castle. Lrrr and Nd-Nd sit on thrones. Guards stand
either side of the trio who stand before Lrrr and Nd-Nd.]
So let me get this straight: If I buy
eight caramello bars, you all get to
go to some camp.
Yep. That's exactly the lie we used
to get past your guards.
[Fry steps forward and bows.]
Oh great space king. I humbly beg you
to return my human horn.
[Lrrr acts like he doesn't know what Fry is talking about.]
Uh, human horn? How ridiculous! Why
would virile male like Lrrr need human
horn? I don't even know what it's for.
What is it, something you-you put in
Like you've ever seen a salad.
My weight is appropriate and attractive!
Whoa, you guys have issues!
She has issues! I'm fine! But there's
no human horn around here so, make friends
with the door.
(sadly) Alright. I give up. I guess
I'll just go home and marry a skunk.
Oh let's just give it to him.Here.
My nose! Light of my face!
Uh, what is that? How do you have that
Nd-Nd?I've never seen it before. My
friend left it here.
[Fry takes his nose out of the box and puts it on his face.]
Hold still Fry. I can reattach it with
my emergency face laser.
[She presses a button on her wristamajig and a beam seams the
nose to Fry's face. It also burns his cheek a little.]
Hey! You burned my cheek!
Yeah sorry I wasn't really concentrating.
No I mean the singed flesh, I can smell
it!Those lilacs on the table.
At least someone noticed.
For the last time I don't like lilacs!
Your first wife was the one who liked
She also liked to shut up!
Well, great seeing you, I guess we'll
be on our -
Yo, highness! Uh, just out of robo-curiosity,
why would you use a guy's nose for an
aphrodisiac instead of his...you know...wing
But I thought the horn was the human
wing dang doodle?
No sir-chee! The main event, so to speak,
is downstairs near the wallet. Ever
seen soccer players line up to block
a free kick? They ain't covering their
noses I'll say that much! Well, seeya!
[He starts to leave.]
Interesting. The trousers conceal a
tiny secondary horn.
Hey, what've you heard?
(shouting) Guards! Seize him!Prepare
to harvest the lower horn!
[Fry looks around scared.]
OK, you can have my nose.
[He pulls it off.]
Remove the human's lower horn and prepare
it to be eaten by me.
In other words slop a lot of ketchup
and salt on it!
Then bring it to our royal bedchamber
and put it in the sock drawer with all
the other things that have failed to
arouse my passion for this woman.
[The second guard takes out a whizzy buzzy cutting thing. Fry
Wait! I'm usually the first guy to toot
my own lower horn -
(shouting) I'll say!
But in this case I just don't think
it'll do any good.
(shouting) That's what she said!
[He hoots again.]
Let's face it. You two have deep relationship
problems that can't be solved by an
However huge it might be.
So what do you suggest, painfully single
Well, why don't you think back to what
brought you together in the first place?
Ohh I don't know. Lrrr used to be so
I only wrote that poem to test my printer.
We'd go walking in the woods and Lrrr
would find injured little tinkle-bunnies
and nurse them back to health.
Yes but I'm the one who injured them!
Oh shush. You stepped on them by accident
and then you cried all night. That's
the kind of sensitive man you used to
And you used to wear a size-3 cape.
(shouting) But not anymore! Now bring
me that lower horn while I'm still in
[The guard starts the whizzy thing again.]
Wh-What if we helped you get your passion
back without the hassle of mutilating
Yeah, we know a great place in the mountains.
We could take you there for a romantic
dinner under the stars.
Hmm, sounds interesting. But he would
never do it.
Like hell I wouldn't. I'm not gonna
be blamed for not going!
Then it's a deal. We get one night.
I keep my horn as long as you two end
up doing the horizontal monster mash.
[Bender hoots, laughs insanely and chuckles.]
I don't get it!
[Forest. Back at Duraflame Lrrr and Nd-Nd are seated at a table
at night. The trees around them have lights strung around them.
Enter Bender carrying a box of Monsieur Carton.]
Bonjour. May I offer you a box of wine
for the edge of the table?
No thanks. Just water please. Tap water!
(sarcastic) Oh big spender!
(shouting) That's it, this date is over!
[The guards wheel Fry up to the table in a cage. He is dressed
in a snappy suit.]
So, what can I get you this evening?
Your lower horn!
I'll just start you off with some bread.
Some sexy, arousing bread!
Fine but none of that whole-grain goat
food! And bring plenty of melted butter.
Why don't you just inject some fat straight
into your ass and cut out the middle
One of these days Nd-Nd, bang, zoom,
straight to the third moon of Omicron
[Time Lapse. Lrrr and Nd-Nd are still eating and Fry is still
in his cage. A guard is sat by a tree.]
Mmm, this jerked chicken is good! I
think I'll have Fry's lower horn jerked.
(shouting) It's used to it!
[He hoots. Fry is wheeled to the table.]
So uh, how are you two sneaky poopums
My wife is right for once. There is
very little magic in the air. Ready
the lower horn transport vessel.
[A guard pours some ice into a cooler. Fry squeals.]
Boy, who knew a cooler could also make
a handy wang coffin?Hey, uh mind if
I stick these in here?
Go for it.
Don't worry Fry. Things look bad but
I still have a trump card. The most
beautiful love song ever written.(singing
badly) And I will always love you......will
always love you...
The humans are attacking.
Pluck the lower horn and let's get out
[The guard starts the cutter.]
Quick Fry, run for it!
[He pushes Fry's cage and it rolls away, bouncing down hills
and through trees.]
Come on freedom cage! Roll me to safety!
Yes! I never thought I'd escape with
my doodle, but I pulled it out!
(shouting) Just like at the movie theatre!
[He hoots and Lrrr grabs Fry.]
Give me that!
[Fry screams. The guard starts the whizzer and the other opens
the cooler. Leela gasps. Something growls. Bigfoot emerges from
Bigfoot! He's real! I knew it. The Loch
Ness Monster's book was right!
[Bigfoot stops and sniffs the Omicronians.]
Well, hello there my furry friend.
Look at his adorable little feet.Yes
you are a cutie-pie.
[Enter Ranger Park with his camera.]
Holy macaroni!I can't believe I'm
seeing Bigfoot! He's in focus! Oh I've
waited my entire life for this moment!
[He pulls a gun out from behind him and points it at Bigfoot.
What are you doing with that?
[Lrrr steps forward.]
You're going to kill this innocent giganto?
Of course not. I'm just gonna tranquilise
him so I can chop off his feet as proof
he exists. Then dump him back in the
wild. He'll do fine.
[He aims the gun. Lrrr steps in front. Nd-Nd stands at his side.]
You'll have to get through me first.
OK, nighty nght.
[He shoots but the tranquiliser dart bounces off Lrrr. Lrrr vapourises
Now leave this gentle sasquatch - or
wood ape - in peace so I can finally
and at long last harvest this pathetic
human's lower horn.
Wait. What am I saying? If I poach this
beast's lower horn, am I any better
than that ranger with his demented foot
lust? Yes. But not by enough.
[Park walks behind Bigfoot and cuts off a tuft of his fur.]
[Bigfoot scratches himself.]
This human's lower horn is one of God's
creatures, a living thing. And all living
things, large and small...
(shouting) In this case "small"!
...have diginity. And a spark of divine.
That's the gentle sensitive poet warlord
I fell in love with!
[She hugs him and they both crush Fry between them. He squeezes
his way out. Lrrr and Nd-Nd kiss. Bender, Fry and Leela avoid
(shouting) Uh, you'll wanna retreat
to a safe, 500 metre radius!
[They start running.]
Well Fry, it looks like you get to hold
onto your lower horn.
As usual!(shouting) Run away!
[They leg it and Bigfoot stays and watches Lrrr and Nd-Nd on
the floor. Then he walks off into the thick forest.]
[Closing Credits. Over the credits a deleted scene from The Birdbot
Of Ice-Catraz is played. It is an episode of The Scary Door.
The opening titles play.]
[The Scary Door graphic appears on the TV and shatters. In a
lab a mad scientist pours stuff from one bottle to another.]
SCIENTIST [ON TV]
I have combined the DNA of the world's
most evil animals, to make the most
evil creature of them all.
[He pours the liquid into a machine and it crackles and a door
in it opens. A man emerges from the smoke.]
MAN [ON TV]
It turns out it's Man.
[Scary dramatic Scary Door music.]