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Инстинкт самосохранения подсказывает мне спрятаться в этой бочке. Подобно хитрой рыбе. (241)
ACV: Невероятно старомодный | Obsoletely FabulousАвтор сценария: Obsoletely Fabulous
Режиссёр: Невероятно старомодный
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: You Can't Prove It Won't Happen.]
[Outside Roboticon 3003. Robots file into the World's Largest
Robot Trade Show (Formerly Roboticon 3002). Fry walks in with
[Cut to: Soul Detectors. Bender passes under a soul detector
that looks like a metal detector at an airport. It doesn't beep
and he casually walks on. Fry walks under and it beeps and red
lights flash. He gasps.]
[He reaches into his pocket.]
[Roboticon 3003. Leela looks around the robot presentation stands
and sees Nannybot 1.0 which looks like a clunky robot version
of the aliens from Alien. It holds a baby in it's arms and speaks
in a booming voice.]
Sleep little dumpling. I have replaced
[It's mouth opens and a bottle of milk comes out on it's tongue.
The baby drinks from the bottle.]
[Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender picks something up.]
Oh my God, robot beely-boppers!
And there's a robot scratching post.
You should try it out Bender.
Please, I have some dignity.
[The beely-boppers bounce around on his head.]
[Roboticon Killbots Presentation. Wernstrom presents his Killbot
on the Wernstrom's Killbots stand.]
Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot features
Lotus notes and a machine gun. It is
the finest available.
[Next to his stand is a Housewives Prefer Farnsworth's Killbots
Like fun it is you glass headed wallaby!
No one calls me that. I'm having at
[They start to "fight."]
Such senseless aggression.
C'mon, lets go for a peddleboat ride.
[Roboticon Robot Toys Stand. Bender bats around the bottle on
the scratching post. Fry and Leela leave.]
[Roboticon Annual Product Announcement. Bender, Fry, Leela and
Farnsworth sit in the crowded auditorium ready for Mom's speech.
Bender is holding the bottle and half of the spring.]
The secret is to scratch 'em really
[The lights dim and an announcer announces.]
And now, the women who Mom-opolises
the robot industry...
(shouting) I get it!
[The word "Mom" appears on a huge screen and robots carry Mom
onto the stage.]
(shouting) Oh, now I get it!
[The robots set Mom down and she starts to knit.]
[The crowd cheers.]
Woo! I love that old bat!
Ladies and gentlemen, for the 17th year
in a row, the future of robotics has
arrived. Boys?I give you...Robot 1-X!
[Walt elbows Larry in the stomach.]
[Larry elbows Igner.]
[He pulls a sheet off something. Robot 1-X. A small white robot
with no legs nor any distinguishing facial features except for
a large purple "eye". The crowd ooo's and Robot 1-X starts hovering.
They take photos of it.]
[He takes a photo.]
Quite frankly, Robot 1-X will put all
my previous models to shame. Incidentally,
would one of my previous models mind
coming up here?
[The robots in the audience cheer and wave their hands. Bender
starts climbing over the top of them.]
Right here, I'm comin'! C'mon baby!
I'll do it! C'mon Mom!
[The Teenbot who serves refreshments at Loew's Aleph0-Plex waves
[Bender climbs onto the stage with his bottle still in his hand.]
Oo, here we go. I'm your top of the
[He takes a swig from his bottle.]
Notice that this obsolete robot runs
on alcohol and emits pollution. Whereas
Robot 1-X runs on pollution and emits
pure oxygen with a fresh pine scent.
[Bender belches fire and Robot 1-X sucks it in and disperses
a fragrant pine smell from it's head. Bender sniffs.]
Man, that smells great!
Now lets see how both robots do at a
typical household task. Sorting a jar
of pocket change.
[Larry hands Bender a jar and Walt hands Robot 1-X a jar. Robot
1-X tips the change into his hands and counts it quickly.]
Task completed. Total value: $4.73 and
one Albanian lek.
[He hands the change to Mom.]
Very good Robot 1-X. And you bending
Uh, I never got the change.Suckers.
Presenting, Mom's Friendly Robots...
[The lights on the stage dim and spotlights come down on Bender
and Robot 1-X. Banners fall behind them. The one behind Bender
says Before and the one behind Robot 1-X says After. The Before
banner hits Bender on the head and he falls over. The jar of
change falls out of his chest cabinet and smashes on the stage.
The audience cheers.]
[Roboticon 3003. The crew are back among the stalls.]
That new robot is great huh? Sure made
me look like a pile of crap.
Indeed. That's why I bought one to help
around the office.
[He holds up a vacuum packed Robot 1-X. Bender presses his face
[Planet Express: Lounge. Robot 1-X hovers in the middle of the
room and the crew sans Bender are gathered around it.]
Let's try him out. Robot 1-X? Can you
clean Nibbler's skanky litterbox?
I can and will.
[He sucks up the litter and dark matter, cleans the box and replaces
it with fresh litter and a fresh pine scent.]
Hey I could have done that if you'd
I asked you five minutes ago.
[Robot 1-X picks up Nibbler, kisses him and puts him in the litterbox.]
You call that a kiss? I'll show you!
[He kisses Nibbler but Nibbler struggles and squeals.]
Oh look Bender if you want something
to do stop making out and give us a
[Hermes is holding something.]
Here, go up on the roof and install
this fake satellite dish so we can impress
Yes sir, I'm on it!
[He walks out.]
Oh, and have Robot 1-X help you.
[Planet Express Roof. Bender stands on the dome and nearly falls
back but regains his balance. He starts welding the dish to the
roof while Robot 1-X hovers nearby.]
Get outta here freshman, I don't need
Our owners asked me to assist you.
Yeah, well assist this!
[He takes a swipe at Robot 1-X but misses and falls off the roof.
He screams as he falls. Robot 1-X quickly welds the satellite
dish to the roof, and flies down to catch Bender.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The crew walk out through the
entrance just in time to see Robot 1-X catch the falling Bender.]
Ohh! When I screamed "help" I didn't
I apologise. However I was able to do
your job before I saved your life.
[The crew applaud. Bender growls.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Farnsworth, Amy and Leela sit watching
All My Circuits. Robot 1-X hovers next to Fry. Enter Bender in
Don't mind me. I'm just saving you the
trouble of throwing me away.
Spleesh! Mell out Bender. Come watch
[Bender struggles inside the bin.]
I can't. I'm stuck in the can.
Well, ask Robot 1-X to pull you out.
[He throws his hand in the air, loses his balance and falls over
while still in the bin.]
Why can't you accept his help.
I hate him.
But he's just a tool to make your life
easier. Like a socket wrench or a burglars
[Bender rolls around to face the crew.]
I can't ask for his help because...
[The crew turn to him.]
(whispering) I'm scared of him.
[Leela bursts out laughing then notices the rest of the crew
Well then there's only one solution.
You need an upgrade to make you compatible
with Robot 1-X's new technology.
An upgrade? But I thought we all agreed
I was perfect! Fry, didn't we agree
I was perfect?
Oh yeah, no, you're pretty perfect.
[Bender rolls so he isn't facing the crew.]
Pretty perfect? So, you do think I need
Yes for God sakes, yes!
(crying) Fine. I'll be back in a few
[He rolls out through the door and the crew go back to watching
[Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory: Upgrades. Robots stand
on conveyor belts and pass under signs advertising upgrade specials
including X-Ray Vison, Arm Extension and Neon Crotch. In front
of Bender is Roberto and behind is Fatbot.]
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room.]
Man I hate those new 1-X robots. I'd
like to stab 'em! Give 'em some of these!
Haha! Ha! Haha!
Yeah, right on nutcake!
Parole officer says I gotta upgrade
or he won't give me back my stabbing
knife. But it's no big. I hate those
1-X so much I know it won't affect me.
Death to the 1-X robots!I love those
magnificent 1-X robots! The 1-X robots
are my friends.
W-W-Wait, what happened to your enthusiasm
for stabbing them?
I'm past that. Later blood!
[He slides out sideways through a door.]
It's like he's not him anymore.You
took away his robo-humanity!I changed
[He pulls his arms away from the restraints and breaks away from
the machine. The upgrader ducks as Bender jumps through a window.]
[Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender lands face
down on a riverbank next to some seagulls. He sits up.]
I did it! I escaped! But to what kind
of a life?I'm too scared to get the
upgrade but I can't face my friends
again without it.And so I set sail
for unknown shores. Oh merciful Poseidon,
take pitty on this mechanical mariner.
[The ocean waves rolls and batter Bender's boat around à la Tom
Hanks' lifeboat in Cast Away.]
(shouting) Curse you merciful Poseideon!
[Desert Island Beach. The next morning Bender finds himself washed
up on a beach. He gets up.]
Boy, what is this deal with the ocean?
A tropical island huh? Well, I've washed
up on worse places. OK, first up, I'm
gonna need to build a shelter.There.
Well. I guess I'll go out for a while.
[He pushes the rock away and gets up.]
[Time Lapse. On the beach Bender has spelled out "HELP" in rocks
but the last letter is unfinished so it looks like "HELF."]
Damn. One rock short of rescue!
[His message is a lot longer that "HELF" though. It reads "To
Whom It May Concern: I, Bender, Bid You Hello! You Don't Know
Me, Though You May Have Heard Of Me. But That's Not The Point.
Long Story Short...I Need Helf." He walks off muttering to himself.]
[Desert Island Cliff. Night has fallen. Bender stands on the
edge of a cliff rotating his head. A light shines out of his
eyes and he looks like a lighthouse. He makes a noise like a
foghorn. The light goes out.]
Oop, low on power!Better fuel up!
Oh no! Guess I'll do what I always
do when I run out of booze.
[He falls to his knees and bursts into tears.]
[Desert Island Jungle. Next morning Bender is in the jungle.
He digs a hole.]
Dont panic, I've got these yams. I'll
just make some yam schnapps.
[He pulls a blender out of his chest cabinet and puts the yams
in. He holds the plug and looks for somewhere to put it. He plugs
it into a tree but nothing happens. He tries a beehive but nothing
happens. Next he tries a wild boar's nose but still nothing.
The boar growls.]
Hey I should be mad at you! Now turn
[Desert Island Beach. Bender is back under his rock. He has developed
five o'clock rust around his mouth and is muttering to himself.
He sees a six pack of beer walking towards him and gasps.]
[He drops them and they run off.]
[Time Lapse. Another night has fallen and Bender lies on his
side on the beach. He hears drums and looks around. A coconut
drops on his head.]
[He looks up and sees a cymbal banging monkey in a tree. Three
shadows creep over him and everything goes dark.]
[Time Lapse. Next morning the still unconcious Bender is fed
something from a coconut half. He comes around and sees a Fembot,
two robots and the monkey. The Fembot has a waterwheel in the
middle of her body.]
Who are you and why should I care?
[One of the robots, a Cartridge Unit, reaches into a bag hung
around him, pulls out a cartridge labelled "Introduction" and
puts it in.]
(mechanical voice) Side A. (normal voice)
We're a community of outdated robots
who refused to upgrade and came here
-(mechanical voice) Side B. (normal
voice) - to live a simpler existence,
free of technology.
A working cartridge unit? Wow! You guys
went obsolete years ago!
[Cartridge Unit takes out a "Snappy Response" cartridge and puts
What Cartridge Unit means is, the very
things that make us obsolete also make
us unique. I, for example, need to keep
filling my waterwheel or I'll power
down forever.(screaming) Oh God, I'll
never make it this time! This is the
end!(talking) Anyway, we like it here.
Yeah but you have a choice.What's
[He scratches his head.]
Oh great. Now I remember that word but
I forgot my wife's face.
[Waterbot's waterwheel dries out again.]
(screaming) Oh God, no! I want to live!
(talking) If you like, you're welcome
to join our society.
[Bender stands up.]
Look, no offence, but I need technology.
Especially email and snowmobiles. And
television! Without television how will
I know what buzzwords are in?
Why watch TV when you can watch a snail
crawl for hours on end?
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
[Time Lapse. Bender seems to like this dumb activity.]
Oh man he's never gonna make it over
that next pebble...! Wait...wait...oh
my God he made it!
[They high five.]
Way to go!
[The monkey bangs it's cymbals.]
That was the greatest thing ever! Lets
party!Yeah baby c'mon!
Where did you get that CD?
It's one of my ten desert island discs.
I never even thought I'd get to use
them. But look at me now. Ooh yeah baby!
Do that thang!
CD's are unnatural. Why don't you just
listen to the ocean?
Which ocean? That ocean?
[He turns around and listens.]
Whoa! It's like the earth is making
sweet salty love to itself while all
the fish groove on it. So much for this
garbage.Take that Beethoven you deaf
[Time Lapse. Next morning Bender swings in a hammock listening
to the monkey banging it's cymbals.]
Bang bang bang. You sure got this life
thing figured out cymbal banging monkey.
Hi Bender. We know how you miss technology,
so we brought you this washing machine
that drifted ashore.
[Sinclair and Cartridge Unit drag a washing machine up the beach.
Bender gasps and runs towards it. He opens the door and looks
Ooo! I'm gonna wash my linen so hard
the w -You-!Wretched technology
has brought me nothing but misery!
[Cartridge Unit takes a "State The Obvious" cartridge out of
his bag and puts it in.]
But Bender you are technology. You're
the most advanced thing on this entire
[Bender looks at his reflection in the water.]
Oh it's true. I am a hideous triumph
of form and function.But not for long!
[Time Lapse. Night has fallen. Banging sounds come from inside
a beach hut and Bender screams in pain.]
BENDER [FROM HUT]
Oh, ow that hurt, oh...
[Time Lapse. Morning breaks.]
WATERBOT [FROM HUT]
The downgrade is complete!
[The hut's door opens and Bender walks out. Except for his eyes
and mouth his entire body has been replaced with wood.]
Behold my hand crafted purity. The modern
world can bite my splintery wooden ass!
[A woodpecker lands on his shoulder and pecks at his head. Bender
Welcome to your new life of simple tranquility.
Pft! Forget that. I say the whole world
must learn of our peaceful ways. By
[The robots gasp. Catridge Unit takes out a "What?!" cartridge
and puts it in.]
We're going back to civilisation to
wage war on technology!
[Cartridge Unit ejects the cartridge then puts it back in again.]
[Night has fallen. Under the sea an oar-powered submarine glides
through the water just above the seabed.]
[Cut to: Submarine. Bender heads his crew who row while sitting
in knee-deep water.]
We'll soon stage an attack on technology
worthy of being chronicled in an anthem
We've been sailing for three weeks.
Maybe I should check our position with
[She pulls it down and Bender takes it from her and looks through
it and gasps.]
Mirrors reflecting mirrors? Hi-tech
sorcery! Sorcery I say!
[He breaks the periscope and hits it against the walls.]
Did you see anything?
Yep, we're there. Prepare to surface!
[Outside Submarine. The submarine surfaces and it's crew climb
out through the top.]
And now, technology shall taste the
lash of the hickory switch!
[Montage Scene. The band of bots swing through the streets of
New New York. They use powerful magnets to pull technological
gadgets out of a shop called The Sharper Gadget and cheer. At
a rocket test field a rocket takes off. The robots jump on it.
It crashes and the hit and kick it. Outside Mom's Friendly Robot
Company factory the crew stand atop their vessel. They load a
rock into a catapult and fire. It blocks a sewage pipe and the
building fills with sewage and it comes out through the windows.
At the Cookieville Orphanarium Bender sneaks through a window
and smashes a night light. The orphans cry. Bender cackles.]
Technology is defeated. Let us return
to the island and celebrate by counting
[Cartridge Unit, Waterbot and he cheer. The monkey bangs it's
Whoa, whoa. No-one wants to count rocks
more than me. But our mission is not
complete. Not so long as Robot 1-X torments
me with his obvious superiority. Ready
the catapult Sinclair.Aim for their
power lines. The devil weans and electricity
is his blood.
Bender. If we don't survive the attack,
I want you to know...I love you.
OK fine. Fire!
[Sinclair fires the catapult.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The rock hits the pylon at the
back of the building and sparks fly from it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. The lights go out.]
(shouting) Oh! I'm blind!
Professor, we have no power.
What do you mean "no power"? We're living
in the future.
I'd better light some candles.
[She claps her hands and candles around the room start burning.
Enter a rock via the wall. The crew turn around and gasp. Bender
climbs through the hole.]
Friends. I've come to free you from
your complicated lives. Free you from
the complicated part I mean not the
Oh Lord he's made of wood! What now
I got a downgrade! I'm a steam-powered
wooden robot - just as nature intended.
Therefore, I must kill Robot 1-X.
That's just stupid.
[Robot 1-X hovers next to Bender hitting itself with a sledgehammer.]
Does Mr Bender wish me to destroy myself?
[Bender knocks the sledgehammer away.]
I don't need your charity.(shouting)
Target Robot 1-X and fire!
[The crew hear the sound of the rock being fired from the catapult
and whistling through the air. They cringe. Time passes as they
wait for the rock. Hermes looks at his watch and goes back to
being tense. The rock flies through the hole and hits and dents
You wanged my ship you walnut panelled
(shouting) Try again Sinclair, I said
target Robot 1-X!
Who's Robot 1-X? Launching.
[He fires the rock and it screams through the air. The crew tensely
So I guess everything worked out fine.
[The rock flies through the hangar roof and Zoidberg screams.
The rock smashes a leg off the ship and it tips over, trapping
the crew under its port wing.]
Great. Now we're being crushed.
[The fuel tank ruptures and fuel starts leaking from the tanks.
It dribbles around the ship and in front of the trapped crew.]
Help us wooden Bender!
[Bender stares as the fuel leak reaches a candle. The flame ignites
it and the crew are trapped behind a wall of fire.]
Heck! Those guys hate fire! I gotta
do something.What the-? Termites?
Well, I don't need legs to save my friends.
I'll just use the old extentromatic
[He reaches up to the fire extinguisher but his arms don't stretch
and instead just fall off.]
Bender, hurry! This fuel's expensive!
Also (shouting) we're dying!
I'm a comin'Ow! Lousy primative body!
Oh, why didn't I get that upgrade? I'm
an outdated piece of junk!
[Robot 1-X flies over him.]
Sir, might I recommend -
You shut up. No wait. I can use you
as a tool to save my friends and I'll
still be the hero who everyone says
how great he was!
How may I help you?
[The flames on Bender flare up and he screams.]
Save my friends!And Zoidberg!
[Robot 1-X's hands turn into fans. It blows the flames out and
lifts the ship's wing. The crew climb out from underneath it.
A lot of Amy's hair has been burnt off.]
Look! My hair got singed into an even
Hey where's Bender?
Down here.I'm so sorry guys. I never
meant to hurt you. Just to destroy everything
you ever believed in.
Well, at least you saved us from, uh,
you. Thank God you finally overcame
your incompatibility with Robot 1-X.
Oh yeah, we were totally in sync! I
was like "Save them!" and he was all
"No problem!" and then he did it...
[Cut to: Robot 1-X Compatibility Upgrade Room. Bender is still
on the machine. His whole experience was a dream.]
...This new technology is great!I
love those magnificent 1-X robots. The
1-X robots are my friends!
It's like his personality is totally
different now! Oh, maybe this upgrade
isn't such a good idea.
[The upgrader shuts off the machine.]
I'd like to give Robot 1-X a big smooch
on the -Hey! What's the dilly-o?
Your upgrade is complete.
But I destroyed the technology of the
world. I ran on the beach and felt the
sand between my foot cups.
Everyone experiences the upgrade differently.
Oof. If that stuff wasn't real, how
can I be sure anything is real? Is it
not possible, nay probable, that my
whole life is just a product of my or
someone else's imagination?
No, get out.Next.
[Bender slides out.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Friendly Robot Company Factory. Bender
walks out and watches three police cars chase another car down
Well, I guess reality is what you make
of it.Oh, thanks baby!
[He carries on walking and whistling through his imagination.]