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Киф, я иду в туалет, и мне понадобится твоя помощь... (98)
ACV: Согни её | Bend HerАвтор сценария: Mike Rowe
Режиссёр: James Purdum
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Too Hot For Radio.]
[Madison Cube Garden. It's Earth's 3004 Olympic Games (Plus Opening
Act). Crowds cheer as an athlete carrying the Olympic torch runs
up the steps to light the Olympic flame. He opens a hatch in
the side, ignites the pilot light and turns the flame up like
a hotplate. The crowds cheer.]
[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Stands. Farnsworth, Fry, Leela,
Amy, Bender and Zoidberg watch the games.]
So who should I root for? America or
one of those countries I learned about
at the Food Court?
How 'bout those guys?
[On the track some people dressed in stripy jerseys and French
berrets and carrying loaves of long bread wave to the crowd.]
No, they're from the Republic Of French
Stereotypes. Everybody hates them.
Oh, let's go check on Hermes. All this
inspiring multi-culturalism is angrying
up my blood.Sweden? I don't think
[He snatches the banner from them and rips it to shreads.]
[Madison Cube Garden Training Room. Hermes limbos under a limbo
Go on stick, touch me! Can't do it!
[The limbo stick is about 5 and a half feet off the ground. The
four crew members and LaBarbara are gathered around.]
Husband, you haven't been an Olympic
class limboer for 20 years! Quit lying
to your podgy self.
It does seem like Jamaica will be able
to field a strong limbo team without
Yeah, isn't that basically all Jamaicans
Jamaicans have other interests. Which
is why the limbo team got detained at
That's when they begged my husband to
step in and make an ass out of himself.
And I said I'd try my very best.
But have they seen your...y'know...physique,
since the old days?
I described it to them on the phone,
using a series of artful euphanisms.
[Farnsworth holds a red and blue jumpsuit.]
Don't worry, the fat pig will do fine
thanks to this flabbo-dynamic spandex
bodysuit I've designed.It redistributes
his weight, shifting his centre of gravity
closer to his knees.
[The bodysuit contracts around Hermes' waist and his flab equals
out underneath it.]
Ooo, that's snug!Oh, those haven't
descended in years.
Now that's a limboer's body!
You're that fine Jamaican bacon!
[Madison Cube Garden Stands. Bender and Zoidberg watch some competitors
warm up on the field. All is quiet between the two.]
Shut up Zoidberg, the robot bending
events are starting!Something tells
me I could easily beat those trained
[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Field. A crane drops an unbendable
girder into the hands of a robot. And another. The robot bends
[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Stands. Bender gasps as he watches.]
[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Field. The robot holds up the bent
[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Stands.]
Wow, that guy must have to be like the
world's greatest bender. My dreams of
glory died before they began.
Welcome to my life!
[He bursts into tears.]
[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Track.]
[On the track the limboers warm up. A tall athlete takes his
lane next to Hermes'.]
Hermes Conrad. Is that you inside that
dumpy little fat man?
Barbados Slim! What are you doing here?
Last time I heard you were in Barbados.
Yes and I'll be going back there with
a gold medal draped around my elegant
Your body may be as perfectly scultpted
as it was 20 years ago when you whupped
my fat ass every time we met......but
today, I feel lucky.
[The hood squashes his hair flat and then into a rounded point.]
I see you're still able to limbo under
the bar of fashion sense!
That's it Barbados Slim, you've gone
one talk over the line!
Limboers, on your marks, get rubbery......limbo!
[He shoots the starter gun and the limboers run off down the
track and under the limbo sticks.]
(voice-over) There they go, and Barbados
Slim takes an early lead. God I hope
he wins.What's this? Hermes Conrad
is closing the gap. He's limboed out
of retirement and straight into my heart.
I say go to hell Barbados Slim!
[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Stands. The crew and LaBarbara watch
and cheer and hold up a banner reading "You The Mon."]
(shouting) Go bodysuit, go!
(shouting) C'mon Hermes, beat that mahogany
[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Track. Hermes closes in on Barbados
Slim as they approach the last limbo stick.]
(voice-over) It's Barbados, then Conrad.
Conrad pulls ahead!And Conrad is disqualified!
Barbados Slim, my hero, takes the gold!
[LaBarbara runs to Hermes' side.]
Aww, there there Hermes.You did your
best! If I'd wanted a human Adonis for
a husband, I'd have stayed married to
[Cut to: Madison Cube Garden Stands. Disappointed, the crew sit
Well enough about Hermes, I couldn't
win a medal either. Even at bending
- the thing I was built to do. I'm so
embarassed. I wish everybody else was
Up next, the Fembot bending competition.
[On the field Fembots bend coathangers.]
Fembots?Methinks a clever Manbot suitably
disguised might win those events! But
the charade would require subtlety,
[Madison Cube Garden Olympic Officials Stand. The officials look
for Bender's entry form. He is dressed in a dress and a headscarf,
trying to look like a Fembot.]
What do you mean I'm not registered?
My name is Coilette and I'm from, uh...Robonia!
Coilette's a chick's name!
Yes but "Robonia" sounds like something
somebody made up on the spot.
Ever been beaten up by a guy dressed
like a chick?
[The official squirms and hands Bender a card.]
[Madison Cube Garden Field. "Coilette" the Fembot from the Grand
Duchy Of Robonia prepares for the competition. A whistle blows.
Bender bends a bent girder. A man puts a protractor to it and
gives a thumbs up.]
And it's straight! Coilette wins!
[Time Lapse. Bender has now entered the javelin event. He runs
with the javelin, stops, bends it, throws it and watches it fly
across the field. It is the farthest thrown.]
Another gold medal for the spunky maid
[Time Lapse. In what looks to be a diving competition Bender
stands at the end of a girder shaped diving board. The beeper
beeps and he dives off the end, grabs the girder and bends it
as he falls.]
A perfect bend and a flawless entry.
No splash at all!Perfect scores, a
record five gold medals for Coilette!
[Bender flips onto his feet and cheers.]
I'm great! Everybody else sucks, except
that guy Bender, he's really somethin'!
[Madison Cube Garden Tunnel. Farnsworth, Fry, Leela and Amy stand
around the still disguised Bender.]
You actually thought they'd let you
walk away without an engine oil sex
(crying) Oh God, I'm not gonna get my
medals! They're all I have to remember
my Olympic career.Wait, I've got it!
Professor, make a woman out of me!
Oh I think we should just stay friends.
[He pats Bender's hand.]
I don't need friends, I need a sex change
operation and give it to me now!
Bender a robot sex change is a complex
and dangerous procedure. Replacing your
testosteroil with Fembot lubricants
can cause wild mood swings. And the
effects may be irreversible. Well let's
No, you can't!
If you have even the slightest respect
for the dignity of women -
I'm sorry ladies but I must do this.
Not for you, not for Bender, but for
the proud people of Robonia!
[Outside Robot Medical Tent. Three robots line up outside for
treatment. One has been impaled on a fencing sword, another has
been impaled with five javelins and another has been impaled
on a tennis racket. Bender holds up the side of the tent and
ushers Farnsworth, Fry and Leela inside. He gets impatient.]
[Cut to: Robot Medical Tent. Bender lies down on an operating
I can't watch this 'cause it's creepy
and wrong and sick. However I will watch
out of curiosity.
(shouting) Quiet! (talking) I'm about
to begin the process of reshaping Bender's
body into a tender delicate form.
[He starts hitting Bender's casing with a sledgehammer. His shadow
is cast on the wall and Bender cries out in pain.]
[Time Lapse. Farnsworth jacks Bender's head up. He puts a spanner
between Bender's legs.]
(dramatically) Draining male oil.Infusing
female oil.Removing item.
[He holds the shears around Bender's antenna. Fry ringes as Bender's
antenna is snipped off.]
[Robot Gender Testing. A robot and a Fembot wait for Coilette.]
We can't wait for Coilette any longer
dammit. I have to get home to watch
The Zombie Osbournes.
[A curtain draws back and Coilette walks out of the Robot Medical
I'm ready for my test now boys.
[The robots' jaws drop - off.]
[Madison Cube Garden Field. The winner's podiums have been set
up and Coilette stands wearing five gold medals. She looks like
your run of the mill ordinary trannybot. Brown hair, slim figure,
alarming amount of lipstick. She sings the Robonian national
(singing) Hail, hail Robonia, a land
I didn't make up!
[The crowd cheers and bouquets of flowers are thrown.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. The crew watch Coilette cheering on
the podium. She does a victory dance and takes her top off.]
COILETTE [ON TV]
Ooo yeah c'mon baby boom!
Oh yeah baby c'mon! Work your can! That's
it shake it out!
I don't know which I'm more, enraged
I'm just out there making us ladies
Snuh-uh! You're making us look like
jerks in front of the other genders.
But you're not really a lady anyway.
[He puts a glass of water on the table.]
Of course not.
[She puts Fry's glass on a coaster.]
Dear Lord, a coaster! The Femzoil must
be sacheting girlishly into your processor.
Then change me back. My breasts are
keeping me awake at night anyway.Hello...?
What...? A guest spot on Late Night
With Humorbot 5.0...? I'd love to!
My own limo...? No I don't have my own
limo. You'd better send one.I need
a raincheck on that nad-swap Professor.
I'm going on TV. C'mon Fry help me pick
out a pantsuit!
[Late Night With Humorbot 5.0 Studio. The studio looks like the
studio for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno. The audience are all
robots. Humorbot 5.0 speaks with his usual mechanical voice and
interviews a popular soap star.]
So Calculon, do you want to set up this
clip from All My Circuits?
No I think it's self-explanatory.
[A screen comes up behind them and they turn to face it. On the
screen a pirate barbecues some stuff and Calculon gives a dramatic
[In the studio the audience applaud and stop instantly.]
Funny story, the script called for me
to say "yes" but I gave it a little
Anecdote accepted. Snappy comeback not
found. Please put your hands together
for my next guest. Winner of five Olympic
medals - Coilette from Robonia.So
Coilette, many young Fembot's wish to
emulate you. Any advice for them?
Yes Humorbot. If you ask me, women today
are too stuck up to go out and jiggle
their jello like everybody wants them
to. In fact, should I do it now?Alright
then!Woo! Look out baby! Work it out!
Oo shake that thing! You gotta use it
lady! Shake it up a little! Look at
that! C'mon! Work it out!
[The audience cheers and Calculon is impressed.]
Madam, I am one impressed celebrity.
Oh I bet you say that to all the five
Olympic gold medal winning Fembots!
(sexfully) From this day forward I shall
do so whenever possible.
Coilette this may be presumtuous....
That's my favourite kind of this!
...but I would be honoured if you would
join me for dinner sometime.
[The audience hoot.]
Calculon. You'd be fulfilling this naive
Robonian farmgirl's fantasy!
Of course I would.
[Planet Express: Locker Area. Coilette stands in front of a locker
admiring herself in a mirror. She is dressed in pink Fembot clothes.
The crew are gathered around.]
This top makes me look fat. Is it trampy
to go on a first date nude?
[She takes the top off.]
You gotta tell me. You're not actually
attracted to Calculon right? And if
you are don't tell me. Are you?
Certainly not. But just once I'd like
to eat dinner with a celebrity who isn't
bound and gagged. Is that so much to
Well I think you dating a Manbot is
a disgrace. And I refuse to be involved.
And you have way too much lipstick on.
Are you kidding? I need more lipstick!
Much more!Ooo yeah that's the stuff!
Men love it when you really glob it
No they don't.
Oh please. Every man wants a tramp!
No wonder you girls aren't married!
I tell you, men are so much better
at being women.
[She puts some earrings on using a nailgun.]
But what if he wants to, I mean if he
tries to...uh...Barry White?
I'll just tell him I needed commitment
first. That'll stick a potato in his
Good Lord man what kind of temporary
woman are you?
Look, why don't all of you just back
off? Can't a girl enjoy herself without
[She takes her handbag, slams the locker door and storms off.]
Oh dear. Her mood swings are getting
wilder. She's becoming a slave to her
emotions. Just like all women, particularly
[She slaps him.]
I'm worried about him too Professor.
[Elzar's Fine Cuisine. Tonight's special is leg of salmon. Coilette
chomps her way through a leg.]
Hey ma'am, you sure can put it away!
You saved me a trip to the dump! Bam!
I'd appreciate it if you didn't bam
the young lady.
Well, I'd appreciate it if I did, so
I guess we're even.
You know Coilette, I've never before
met a woman as fascinating as I am.
You're such a sweet, soft Fembot. And
you have this free spirit about you.
And there it is. It's as if you understand
the male mind better than I!I've never
met anyone like you.
Oh yes you have.
Coilette. I'd like to spend some (whispering)
quality time with you.
What? Ahh! Whoa, no way! Not gonna happen.
What kind of girl do you think I am?
Have I mentioned that I own the world's
biggest and most elegant yacht?
[Coilette's eyes light up.]
[Montage Coilette and Calculon date to Tom Jones' She's A Lady.
They enjoy a trip on his yacht Calculon's Pride which sails on
a pool on an even larger yacht called Calculon's Talent. They
dance under a mirrorball. Calculon swings Coilette around and
her arms extend and she knocks all the other robots over. They
sit in an oil hot tub and their photo appears on the cover Famous
Actor And Athlete Couples Illustrated magazine.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. The crew feed scraps to a begging Zoidberg.
Woo! I'm a trophy girlfriend!
No kidding. These gifts have been coming
non-stop!I think Calculon's falling
[The puppies bark and Coilette throws her hat down and puts her
coat over the top of them.]
Bah. Any day now he'll dump me for a
new wad of arm candy. And then I can
turn back into a guy and hock all this
stuff! It's just a game.
[Amy and Leela glare at him. Enter Calculon via the wall.]
Coilette, I can't stop thinking about
you. I can't sleep at night - although
as a robot I don't do that anyway. But
if I did I couldn't because I love you
so.Oh my darling......Will you marry
[Coilette looks up at the gobsmacked crew.]
Oh Calculon, yes I will!
[Calculon puts the ring on her finger. Amy nudges Leela.]
(whispering) Maybe she's right about
[Time Lapse. Calculon is gone and Coilette is preparing to leave.]
I'll miss you buddy. You've been like
a brother and then a sister to me. And
now you're getting married. I love you.
The marriage is a scam.
Cool. What's for dinner?
What do you mean a scam?
I marry Calculon, divorce him, take
half his money and turn back into a
guy. It's sort of a two-person pyramid
That's marriage alright!
That is so unbelievably manipulative.
Come on, you never went on a date with
a guy just 'cause you were hungry?
Well I...uh...I thought I might like
him on a full stomach.
Nice try sister. Now if you'll excuse
me, I need to meet with my wedding planner.
(shouting) Zoidberg.(talking) Zoidypoo,
please tell me frilly is in this year.
[Zoidberg flips through a catalogue.]
I saw a frilly cake in here you would
remember all your life. I know I will.
Late at night it haunts me with it's
frosted beauty. (shouting) Order the
[Hot Air Balloon. Calculon and Coilette enjoy a day together.]
I have something for you.
[He hands her a remote control.]
A remote control? You got me a TV?
No my dearest, it's the remote control
to my heart! It symbolises the power
you have to sway my emotions.
Will it work on my TV?
We don't need TVs, we have each other!
Coilette if I weren't able to spend
my life with you I would leap from this
Come on now - really?
Yes! We were meant (dramatically) to
So...you really and truly love me?
So much so that I'm prepared to give
up showbusiness itself to be with you!
But, you always said you'd rather burn
down a convent than give up showbusiness.
I always said many things. But now all
I want is a peaceful life and a quiet
villa overlooking a vineyard....with
[Coilette starts to cry.]
(crying) Would we have donkeys?
All you can eat!
[She hugs him.]
(crying) Oh take me in your arms and
compress me. Compress me tight!
Stop! Let us climb to the heavens that
the gods themselves might embrace!
[He picks up Boxy and throws him out of the balloon. The balloon
climbs into the sky.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Coilette sits at the table crying. The
crew are sat around.]
(crying) I just don't think I can go
through with this scam.
[The crew gasp.]
So now you do wanna marry him?
(crying) No, I just don't wanna hurt
him, or humiliate him. Oh, curse this
[She cries more.]
You're falling into the final debilitating
stages of womanhood. You've waited too
long to switch back you dingbat!
OK look. If I help you with this do
you promise to get out of my gender
and stay out?
Alright. Now there's no way to stop
this marriage without hurting Calculon.
But he's an actor. If there's one kind
of pain he can handle, it's soap opera
[Outside Church. Above the church doors is a banner reading "Celebrity
Wedding. Ordinary People Not Invited." Farnsworth walks Coilette
up the aisle and a little robot carries her train. At the back
of the crowd are Fry, Hermes, Amy, Zoidberg and Leela. Fry is
dressed in a hat and sleeveless jacket, Zoidberg is kitted out
in medical scrubs and Leela wears a blonde wig and a dress. She
puts a sunglass over her eye.]
(whispering) OK, is everyone ready?
[They split and Zoidberg scuttles off and woops. At the front
the ceremony begins.]
Dearly beloved actors and casting people
who may be looking for somebody to play
a preacher, I welcome you! The bride
has written some vows that we will now
all pretend to be interested in.
[Coilette and Calculon turn to each other.]
Dearest Calculon. Forever is not enough
time to tell you of the many ways I
[She faints theatrically. The crowd gasps.]
Is there a doctor in the -
I came as soon as I could.It appears
to be a case of African Hydraulic Fever!
Dear God! The very illness my TV character
caught in season two, when I was holding
out for more money! It's often fatal.
Whatever happens, remember, the flame
of my eternal love will burn forever.
Of course. But smoochiepups, I thought
one could only catch hydraulic fever
deep in the diamond mines of the Congo.
[Leela calls out from the crowd.]
Coilette! You she-devil!You really
thought you could steal those diamonds
from me and Congo Jack?
[Coilette stands up.]
Those gems belong to the natives!
[Leela kicks Coilette in the face and Amy restrains her.]
Oh how cruel and melodramatic fate is.
(dramatically shouting) Whhhy?
Calculon, my darling, your loud "why"
brought me partway back to life.Congo
Another shocking twist!
[Hermes plays some shocking twist music.]
Yes. And I have a message for you from
Colonel Mitumba! He says this......is
from Congo Jack.
[He throws the spear. It hits a flower pot.]
[She takes it out of the flower pot and tucks it under her arm,
screams, and falls over.]
No! Nooo! (dramamtically shouting) N-O-O-O!
I won't leave you. Not until I'm sure
you understand the thing I said before.
About my eternal love for you burning......et
(crying) I do. I do.
[She dies in a very dramatic and soapy way. At the back Zoidberg
eats what is left of the buffet.]
I'm a doctor, she's dead.
She lives no more. But let us all find
comfort knowing that she truly loved
me. To honour my pain, I shall star
in a film dedicated to her memory. And
this time the Academy will not deny
me. Not when they see Coilette: A Calculon
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew watch Calculon's
film on TV. The Coilette character is lying dead with Calculon
at her side. In the background Preacherbot waves.]
CALCULON [ON TV]
Coilette. Your death fills me wih sorrow,
(angry) anger, (fearful) fear, (normal)
every emotion an actor can display.
[Farnsworth files away the last bit of hair from Coilette's head.]
Turn off that crap-o-rama! One mistake
now and Bender will be trapped forever
between the already ill-defined robot
[He chisels something between Coilette's legs.]
Ow, oo, ow.
Well Bender, I hope this has taught
you a lesson about changing your sex
to win five gold medals.
It truly has. My romance with Calculon
has shown me a lot about myself.
If only somehow, someway he and I could...
[Bender's antenna springs up.]
...drive to Vegas, pick up some Flooziebots
and void their warranties all night
[He sits up and cheers.]
Yay my buddy's home! And his respect
for women is back to normal.
I kind of hope this whole experience
would have left you a little more open
to your sensitive side.
Yeah you'd think but what you gonna
[He takes a puff from a cigar. On the TV it is raining and Calculon
holds Coilette in his arms..]
CALCULON [ON TV]
Coilette, the skies themselves weep
upon the sweetest flower of all the
[Zoidberg, Farnsworth and Hermes leave.]
C'mon Bender let's go. This chick flick
is getting me all barfy.
Yeah. Emotions are dumb and should be
[Fry leaves and he starts out after him. He stops and looks at
CALCULON [ON TV]
Goodnight Coilette, my turtledove.
[Bender's eyes well up with tears.]
[Amy and Leela turn around.]
What did you say?
I said you two don't dress trampy enough.
I still got it!
[He twangs his antenna.]