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Зачем ему твой пирожок? Купи лучше мне! (89)
ACV: Лай юрского периода | Jurassic BarkАвтор сценария: Eric Kaplan
Режиссёр: Swinton O. Scott III
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Not Affiliated With Futurama Brass
[Robot Arms Apartments: Fry and Bender's Apartment. Bender stands
in front of a mirror wearing a magician's outfit. Fry wears a
snazzy leotard. Bender speaks into the mirror.]
Ahem! For my next trick, notice I have
nothing up my sleeves......and nothing
in my head.So if my lovely assistant
will kindly supply me with an ordinary,
non-fake pitcher of milk......behold
the milk has vanished! Exiled, perhaps,
to another dimension!
[He bows to his "audience." As he bows milk drips out from his
chest cabinet. Fry applauds.]
Amazing! That's why they call you "Bender
No it isn't!
[He throws the newspaper across the room into a bin. Fry sees
the headline: Archeologists Discover "Slice Of Old New York"]
Whoa! They discovered an intact, 20th
Century pizzeria! Just like the one
I used to work at!
Interesting. No wait the other thing
Lets go check it out. You can see how
I lived before I met you.
You lived before you met me?
Sure. Lots of people did.
[Museum. Fry and Bender walk down a corridor to the exhibit.
[Cut to: Museum: Pizzeria.]
Truly, they were as Gods who build this
[A tour group enters.]
Next, we come to the splendidly preserved
wooden pizza paddle.Scientists theorise
it was used to gently discipline the
[Fry crouches next to the robot delivery boy and fiddles around
with his hair so it looks like his robot counterpart's. He notices
a menu on the wall. A menu which says "Panucci's Pizza."]
Wait a second! This is Panucci's! I
used to work in this exact pizzeria!
And for your information lady, this
was not just used to paddle my butt,
it was also used to move pizzas and
I don't know where you get your facts
sir but I am a volunteer housewife with
45 minutes of orientation and a harlequin
romance about archeologists!
Don't wave your fancy degrees at me.
I recognise all this stuff.Petrified
sausages, Old Mr Patelli, and that's
[He gasps. There is a dog shaped black thing in the display case.]
[Flashback - August 1997.]
[Street. The dog sits in an alley scratching itself. It sees
Fry across the street delivering a pizza. Fry buzzes a buzzer.]
VOICE [ON BUZZER.]
Pizza delivery for Mr......Seymour Asses.
VOICE [ON BUZZER.]
There's no one by that name here...or
anywhere. I hope that in time you'll
realise what an idiot you've been.
I wouldn't count on it.
[Cut to: Alley. Fry sits leaning against a wall. He opens the
pizza box and takes out a slice and starts to eat it. The dog
crawls out from behind a dumpster and whines. Fry sees him.]
Aww. Poor little guy. You look like
you haven't eaten in a month. Here......but
if Mr Panucci asks, your name is Seynour
Asses!I like you Seymour, you're not
constantly judging me like all the other
dogs - are you? Nah. We understand each
other.People think you're a dumb mutt
who smells bad, can't find a girlfriend
and has a crummy job. But you're keepin'
it real and call no man "Mister."Well
goodbye.Live long and prosper.
[He rides away. Seymour watches.]
[Cut to: Street. Seymour chases Fry, barking.]
[Flashback ends. Bender reacts to the petrified dog.]
Yuck! That's the least appetising calzone
I've ever seen!
No! That's my dog in there! It's an
outrage I say!
[He grabs Bender's foot, smashes the display case and takes Seymour.
Bender hops around holding his foot.]
Ow ow ow!
I'm taking him home and I'd like to
see anyone try and stop me.Uh-oh!
[Cut to: Street. The security guards literally throw Fry out
of the building. He bounces down the steps.]
Ow, oo ow, oo ah!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room.]
...And then he was ejected by the guards.
Needless to say, I was mortified.
Well it's not right to make my dead
pet an exhibit. That's like digging
up Lassie and putting her on display
in the Louvre.
Lassie is on display in the Louvre.
I know, I was deliberately describing
a similar situation.
Why don't you try protesting? Like those
native Martians. Always whining that
people don't treat their ancestor's
bones with respect.
[He takes a slurp from a mug which look suspiciously like a Martian
Nah, protesting never works.
You're right.I'll give it a shot!
[Street. Fry is outside the museum holding a sign and a megaphone.]
What do you want?
(chanting) When do you want it?
[He turns on a tape dances to the Hustle. Leela reads a book.]
It says this part of The Hustle implores
the Gods to grant a favour. Usually
[Flashback - July 1998 The Summer Of "I Still Know What You Did
[Street. Fry cycles down the street towards Panucci's singing.]
I'm walking on sunshine! Ooo-oo-ooh!
I'm walking on sunshine! Ooo-oo-ooh!
At a boy Seymour! Right here waiting
for me as always! Just like that huge
mushroom in my shower!
[He goes inside. Seymour follows through the dog flap.]
[Cut to: Panucci's Pizza.]
Hey there's our little mascot!Aww
you been swimming in the sewer again?
You little rascal!Fry, cleanup!
Seymour, cleanup!Good dog!
That's a good Seymour!
[A boy is playing an arcade game when he notices something is
wrong with his pizza.]
Yo! There's dog fur on my slice!
Nah, that's vermicelli! No fur in here!
[He sneezes into the dough and continues rubbing it. Seymour
swims around in the tomato.]
He's so cute! He can do two things at
one time: Eat and swim. Ooo - three
[Flashback ends. Fry is still dancing. It is raining. The music
is getting muffled.]
Fry, its been three days. You can't
keep boogie-ing like this. You'll come
down with a fever of some sort.
[Two men - Ben Beeler and his associate Ray - walk out of the
museum. Beeler introduces himself.]
Mr. Fry? I'm Dr Ben Beeler, the paleontologist
who discovered your dog, or as some
call it, the Beeler-saurus.
So do I get Seymour back? Are you caving
to political pressure?
No we're sorry but there's just too
much that fossil can teach us about
dogs from your time.
His name was Seymour. He was once intimate
with the leg of a wandering saxaphonist.
He had wet dog smell, even when dry.
And he was not above chasing the number
The 29? Interesting.
That's all I needed, Ray?
OK then, here's your dog back.
[He takes Seymour's black fossil out of his briefcase and hands
it to Fry. He hugs him and chuckles.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender the Magnificent has sawn Dr Zoidberg
in half. Although his feet look oddly human.]
Lady and Gentleman! How 'bout a hand
for my temporary replacement assistant?
[Scruffy and Leela applaud. Zoidberg jumps out of one half of
the box. He is wearing Fry's leotard.]
I was all in this part! Its magic!
[Bender beats him with his wand as he speaks.]
You are not fit to wear Fry's leotard!
[Enter Farnsworth, Fry and Seymour.]
Good news everyone!
Hooray, he's back! He's looking for
a garbage can to put that dog in! Here
you go buddy!
[He holds up a waste basket.]
No, actually we've discovered Fry's
dog was fast-fossilised, preserving
it's cellular structure!
Which means...we can clone it! Seymour
will live again!
A little land mammal!
Can you believe it Bender? I'm going
to have my best friend back!
[Bender turns away and starts to cry. His tears turn into balloons,
he cries doves and his antenna sprouts flowers.]
[Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth has set up his cloning machine.
The crew look on. Enter annoying moron Cubert.]
Why the idiot convention?
Ah Cubert, my precious babe. I'm going
to attempt to clone Fry's dog. Using
the very same apparatus I used to clone
you!Ooo look, there's a smidge of
toe still in here.You see, beneath
the fossil's crunchy, mineral shell,
there's still a creamy core of dog nougat!
[On the screen an arrow points to a yellow blob inside Seymour.]
So will Seymour remember how to sing
Walking On Sunshine?
Amazingly yes. In cases of rapid fossilisation,
I can press this brain scan button,
retrieving Seymour's memories at the
precise instant of doggy death!
I'm gonna get my puppy back! In your
face, Grim Reaper!
Crappy ineffective Reaper!
I just need to reset the Clone-O-Mat
from Human Mode to Dog Mode.
[He turns a switch around to a picture of a dog. It is like a
The dog says
Uh-oh, this may take a while.
[He bashes the switch.]
[Flashback - December 31 1999. Fry is "teaching" a kid to play
an arcade game at Panucci's.]
You stink loser!
[Panucci leans over the counter with the pizza.]
Hey, Fry. Pizza goin' out. C'mon!
But I'm celebrating New Years Eve.
Like you got squat to celebrate! You're
a delivery boy this millenium and you'll
be a delivery boy next millenium!What's
with Seymour? Its like he don't want
you to go. Or he thinks your pants is
too short or somethin'. Which is crazy
'cause frankly you look fabulous. Now
[Street. Fry unlocks his bike. Seymour put his paw on the wheel
so Fry can't go anywhere.]
I won't be gone long Seymour. Just wait
here 'til I come back.
[He rides off. Seymour sits, waiting.]
[Applied Cryogenics. Fry knocks on a door marked Applied Cryogenics.
A sign underneath indicates No Power Failures Since 199. No
one opens the door so Fry goes in.]
[Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. The room is empty and there are no lights
on. Weird pods line one of the walls. There are a few machines
around the room and a desk and a chair in the middle of the room.
Fry wipes some condesnsation from a window on one of the pods,
revealing the face of an inanimate man inside.]
Hello? Pizza delivery for......Icy Wiener?!
Aw crud! I always thought at this point
in my life I'd be the one making the
crank calls!Here's to another lousy
[He looks around and screams. In a flash he is frozen in time.]
[Robot Arms Apartments: Fry and Bender's Apartment. In the kitchen
Fry unloads dog food into the cupboards. Enter Bender who notices
a dog collar on the side.]
A dog collar for me?You shouldn't
That's for Seymour.
[Bender takes it off.]
Oh.Say why'd you get me a subscription
to the Daily Growl? That's not a reputable
journal of opinion.
Oh that's also for Seymour. I'm getting
everything ready for when he's cloned.
Are you on the jump Fry? Why are you
wasting time on a creature of inferior
Hey he was smart. He could fetch.
I can fetch.
[He runs out then back in again carrying an Easter Island Head.]
He could dig up bones.
Hello? Charlamange?Plus, I'll bet
he couldn't create a laser show with
[The lights go out and Bender creates a laser show with his head.
Grooby music plays.]
Look Bender, this has nothing to do
Now if you'll excuse me I'm working
on Seymour's doghouse.
[He points to a kennel and holds a sign saying "Seymour" ready
to nail it on. Bender walks out.]
No one ever asks if Bender would like
to live in a tiny little house. Not
that I would. A tiny little house that
says "Bender" on it.Ow!
[Flashback - January 1st 2000. ]
[The Frys' House. Mr Fry is on the phone but can only hear Fry's
FRY [ON ANSWERPHONE]
This is Fry. If you're calling about
the used towels for sale, they're still
available for $45 each.
[The answerphone beeps.]
Phil, it's your father. Where are you?
You're holding up New Years brunch.
Your brother can't wait any longer.
[Yancy picks up a sandwich.]
Hello first baloney of the new millenium!
Ah here he comes. That's him and Seymour.
[Mr Fry opens the door and Seymour runs in barking.]
Well that's odd. Seymour's here but
-- Go! Go! Touchdown!! But where's
I'm tellin' you the Y2K computer's got
him. We'll face burnin' roads, rivers
explodin' and calculators transformed
into SCUD missiles. There's nothing
we can do.What's that Seymour? You
walking on sunshine?
[He runs over to the door and scratches it.]
He's trying to tell us something. Maybe
he can lead us to Philip.
[Cut to: Outside The Frys' House. Seymour runs out the front
Should we follow him?
To our deaths? Negatory.
[Cut to: The Frys' House.]
It's the Y2K tryin' to lure us into
an ambush. And I ain't buyin' it. Pass
[He eats a sandwich.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Leela and Amy wrestle while Fry stands
at the side holding Seymour. Leela pins Amy down.]
Are you two gonna be done soon?
Sorry, but we need to practice hand
to hand combat in case an enemy knocks
the laser gun out of our hands and they
slide waaay across the room.
Well could you do it some place else?
I'm setting up Seymour's doggy bed.
[She drags Amy out of Fry's way. Fry kicks the mat out of the
way and puts Seymour's bed on the floor next to the couch. Enter
Bender and a Robo-Puppy.]
Heel boy, heel! Oh hello Fry, I guess
I didn't notice you there. I'm having
such fun with my new best friend Robo-Puppy.
FRY (NOT CARING)
I was just out walking him. Yes. You
can walk him. Of course, after he goes
you have to refill the canisters. C'mere
boy! Pet, pet, pet.
Robo-Puppy receiving petting.
Bender, are you jealous of Fry's puppy?
That's so adorable!
Jealous? Hah!Not while I have the
love of Robo-Puppy here. Robo-Puppy,
lick my cheek.
Robo-Puppy preparing to lick cheek.
Robo-Puppy commencing cheek licking.
Licking in progress. Licking complete.
Robo-Puppy truly is robots best friend!
[Fry finishes the bed.]
Ah there, perfect!
[A fanfare sound sounds and a huge hologram of Farnsworth's head
appears in the room.]
Good news everyone! The Clone-O-Mat
[The hologram disappears.]
[Leela slams Amy down.]
Robo-Puppy commencing two hour yipping
session.Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert!
Robo-Puppy mistreatment alert!
[Planet Express: Attic. The crew are standing in front of the
Clone-O-Mat. The roof is open.]
Behold once more the mighty Clone-O-Mat!
Requiring such vast amounts of electricity
that we must harness the elemental power
of nature itself!I speak of course...of
molten lava! Deep within the Earth's
core. To the sub-basement!
[He pulls a lever and the Clone-O-Mat, crew and all go down.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Sub-Basement. Scruffy is pulling the
platform down. It topples but he rights it. Farnsworth steps
Come on boy! Come back to life!
[He pulls a chain and Seymour's DNA begins to be extracted. Enter
Bender The Magnificent.]
Fry c'mon, the talent show!
What? I'm in the middle of something.
But, if we don't perform, in what sense
do we have an act?
Bender, enough! Leave me alone!
So that's how it is huh? I thought you
were my friend. But if you love your
dog so much then maybe you'd rather
[He picks up Seymour and throws him into the molten lava.]
[Seymour sinks. Fry gasps. Bender laughs and hugs Fry.]
Now I'm all you got!
[Time Lapse. Fry starts weakly hitting Bender.]
I hate you! I hate you! You evil metal
[He falls to the floor and curls up.]
So anyway your dog is melted. Now we're
Not necessarily. For the dog may yet
May yet? Really?
Indeed. You see, that fossil was made
of dolomite. The tough black mineral
that won't cop out when there's heat
all about. By contrast, observe the
lava's affect on this ice swan.Of
course, that would have melted even
at room temperature. I just wanted to
get rid of it. But had it been made
of that righteous mineral dolomite,
there's a slim chance it might have
So Seymour might still exist?
Perhaps. For a few minutes. It's dolomite
Then I'm goin' in after him.
[He takes his jacket off and rips off his shirt. He pulls off
his trousers and runs for the lava.]
He'd come after me.
[Flashback - January 1st 2000.]
[Cut to: Street. Seymour runs down a street and looks in Panucci's
window. He sniffs Fry's hand and face prints on the pavement.]
[Cut to: 99c Store. Seymour runs in and sniffs a photo of Fry
underneath a notice saying "Do Not Take Checks From This Man"]
[Cut to: Itelli's Barber Shop. Seymour runs in and sniffs some
red hair clippings. He eats some.]
[Cut to: Mr Putzz' Mini-Golf. Seymour looks through the railings.]
[Cut to: Street. Seymour runs down the street and sniffs around.
A door opens and someone throws out a pizza box. A Panucci's
Pizza box. Seymour runs inside.]
[Flashback ends. Fry takes a dive for the lava. Leela and Amy
push him to the ground.]
Acting like a moron won't bring your
Then all hope is lost.Goodbye Seymour.
Please stop crying Fry. Here.I assumed
you were just pretending to love the
dog. To toy with my emotions. Oh what
have I done?
[He starts to cry.]
You didn't do anything. Don't beat yourself
Fry, I'm sorry. I should have understood
how someone can love an inferior creature.
Because I love you. Not in the way of
the Ancient Greeks, but in the way a
robot loves a human, a human loves a
dog and occassionally, a gorilla loves
a kitty.I'm goin' in!
I'm a professor! Why isn't anyone listening
to me? You can't go in because you'll
melt. The fossil only has a chance because
it's made of dolomite!
I'm 40% dolomite!
[He bags his chest and dives in. His hat and cape float on the
surface. Everyone gasps.]
[Cut to: Lava.]
Oh it's hot, it's very hot!
[His casing starts to come apart.]
[Flashback - January 1st 2000.]
[Cryogenics Lab. Seymour barks at Fry, frozen in the cryo-tube.
A man fixes a radiator and a cryogenisist sits at his desk nursing
Ugh, I am one hungover cryogenisist!
Just throw that mutt in the freezer
until his owners get here!
You can't solve all your problems by
freezing them boss.
I think you're forgetting our motto.
[He points at a sign that reads "You Can Solve All Your Problems
By Freezing Them!" Underneath in a cryo-tube is a woman with
a rolling pin and an apron. Probably the man's wife. Enter Mr
and Mrs Fry.]
Are you the cryogenisist who called
about our son's dog?
Oh you must be the Fry's. Yeah he's
right over there.
[He points to Seymour who is still yelping at Fry's freezer.]
Sorry we're late, we all got sick from
eating bad baloney!
[Mr and Mrs Fry stand by Fry's freezer but they can't see him
What's he so worked up about?
He's just upset because our boy's missing.
C'mon you overgrown rat. Lead us to
[Seymour struggles to go back to Fry but Mr Fry drags him out.]
[Flashback ends. Bender still hasn't returned to the surface.]
Bender's been down there too long. I'm
going in after him.
[She starts to rip off her wrestling suit.]
Professor! Lava! Hot!
This is all my fault. I let my best
friend risk his life just to get my
dead dog back.Bender!!
And that is why they call me Bender
The Magnificent!Hey where'd everybody
OK! Let's clone us some dog!
Very well. Let this abomination unto
the Lord begin!Interesting. It seems
Seymour died at the ripe old age of
15? You mean he lived for 12 more years
after I got frozen?
Stop the cloning.
[He picks up a spanner and hits the Clone-O-Mat with it.]
Oh sure! Smash the smart guy's machine!
Fry, what's wrong?
Think about it. Seymour lived a full
life after I was gone. He probably added
new songs to his repertoire.
But that's a good thing. Walking On
Sunshine sucks noodles!
I had Seymour 'til he was three. That's
when I knew him and that's when I loved
him.I'll never forget him. But he
forgot me a long long time ago.
[He kisses Seymour and walks away.]
[Flashback - January 2nd 2000. The song I Will Wait For You from
the film Les Parapluies de Cherbourg plays. Seymour sits outside
Panucci's Pizza waiting for Fry to come back. It changes to summer,
then autumn, a snowy and rainy winter and back to spring. Panucci
gives Seymour a slice of pizza. It goes through autumn and winter
again. Seymour starts to age a little. The "U" from the "Panucci's
Pizza" sign falls on a man. An aged Panucci pats Seymour on the
head. Seymour continues waiting for Fry to return, and closes