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Если бы я захотел вернуться в 2000 я бы снова себя заморозил... (96)
ACV: Биржи будущего | Future StockАвтор сценария: Aaron Ehasz
Режиссёр: Brian Sheesley
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Love It Or Shove It.]
[Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Corridor. A man attatches a "5"
to a sign reading "Planet Express tockholders Meeting" so the
third word reads "5tockholders."]
Yes, good thing I noticed the similar
[Cut to: Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Ballroom A. Hermes hosts
the stockholders meeting. Present are the Planet Express crew
[The curtain opens and he pushes him forward.]
[The stockholders cheer.]
There he is!
Take it off!
Where am I?
Move forward. Walk into the light.
Oh God! I'm dead. Well, no matter.
(reading) Thank you all for coming.
I don't recognise any of you, nor can
I recall why I am here. Now without
further ado, a film highlighting Planet
Express Inc.'s latest fiscal year.
[The stockholders applaud and a film comes on showing the Planet
Express ship flying over some water away from a sunset.]
NARRATOR [IN FILM]
Planet Express is on the move. For this
young, hip delivery compnay, tomorrow
is today and today is yesterday. You
heard me.It was a year of soaring
profits and significant one time losses.
[The ship takes off from Amazonia and immediately crashes.]
I'll not only help you find it, I'll
help you do more to it!
[Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Corridor. Fry and Zoidberg walk
out of Ballroom A and Fry sees a sign outside Ballroom B.]
Ooo, a bot-mitzvah. Shalom hunger, shalom
[He walks in and Zoidberg follows. A robot blocks Zoidberg's
[He slams the door.]
That is so unfair!
Tell me about it.
[Cut to: Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Ballroom B. The Jewbots
dance around the bot-mitvah bot and Fry gets some food from the
So what's the deal? You guys don't believe
in Robot Jesus?
We believe he was built and that he
was a very well programmed robot but
he wasn't our Messiah.
[Cut to: Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Ballroom A. The film is
still going on. The Planet Express ship soars into space with
fireworks trailing behind it.]
NARRATOR [IN FILM]
And so our company flames onwards. Planet
Express: Limitless potential, boundless
horizons, the unstoppable juggernaut
of the corporate universe.
[The Planet Express ship passes through a ring and forms the
company logo. The film ends.]
It's been a terrible year people. The
company is on the verge of bankruptcy.
[The stockholders gasp.]
But the movie -
Was a substantial loss for the company.
The blue slice represent s the money
we earned from shipping packages while
the green slice represents an $8 bank
error in our favour.
This toads the wet sprocket. What about
our thousands of shares of stock?
[The stockholders gasp.]
I'll kill you!
I own one share of Planet kajiggers
so I'm entitled to some answers. Question
1: Why does no one visit me in my home?
'Cause your apartment smells like Polygrip
and cat pee.
[Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Corridor. Fry sees a sign outside
Ballroom C for a cryogenic support group. He gasps.]
This is perfect for me.
[He was actually looking at the free food sign underneath. Zoidberg
follows him in.]
Question: Do you have to have been cryogenically
frozen to get the free -You didn't
let me finish. I was going to say "to
get the free food."
[Cut to: Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Ballroom C. Fry gobbles
down the food at the buffet while the support group discusses
My name's Joe and I'm a defrostee.
When I was frozen giant carrots ruled
the Earth. But now they don't. It takes
some getting used to.
[He sits down and the group applauds. Fry has sat down with a
plate of food. Another man stands up.]
Back in the 1980's I was the toast of
Wall Street. I was having whiskey with
Boesky and cookies with Milken. But
then, I was diagnosed with terminal
Boneitis? Pft! That's a funny name for
a horrible disease.
There was no cure at the time. One drug
company was close but I arranged a hostile
takeover and sold off all the assets.
Made a cool hundred mil.Naturally
I froze myself until a cure was found.
Now here I am, ready to sleaze my way
back to the top, 80's style!
[He sits down next to Fry.]
As a caveman frozen in a glacier I face
different challenges. (crying) The hardest
thign was seeing my wife on display
in the British Museum.
[The group murmurs.]
Sure do! We can dance!
[He hums the Safety Dance tune and they both laugh.]
Y'know that dance wasn't as safe as
they said it was.
I tell you, two go-go 80's Reganauts
like us, we could rule this world!
If only someone would give us a shot.
They're scared of our raw power. Oh
but if you want a job, I could beg everyone
at the company where I work.
Awesome. Awesome to the max!
[Lodgatorium Comfort Dome Inn: Ballroom A. Enter Fry and That
And finally, the post office meter is
for business mail only.
Aw come on! I got a lot of ransom notes
Enough talk. It's time for action. I
move that everyone come to my apartment
to snuggle my cat.
I move that your cat stinks and is ugly.
I move that we vote on a new Chief Executive
Officer and oust this old creep. And
also that make cat smells good and is
Very well. I nominate the Professor.
I'm your man.
I vote my 10,000 shares for the Professor.
Yeah the Professor!
[Hermes writes 50,000 on a chart for Farnsworth.]
I nominate That Guy. Not just because
he has a suit but because he knows about
business and stuff and he has a tie.
My shares still count if they went
through the washing machine right?
[Hermes starts a new chart for That Guy next to Farnsworth's
and write 10,000 under his name.]
Well, if I know anything about which
number is bigger than the other number,
I'd say that -
Hold on there. Scruffy votes his 40,000
shares for the mysterious stranger.
40,000? How come you have four times
as much stock as the rest of us?
Scruffy believes in this company.
[He sniffs and wipes away a tear. Hermes changes That Guy's score
Then we have a tie. And in the event
of a tie the Professor, as the current
CEO remains -
I demand the floor. I may only have
one share but I get to vote same as
anyone. And I'm voting against the cat
hater.Isn't that right kitty?Hey!
You ate my change!
[She shakes the cat and the money inside it jingles. Hermes changes
That Guy's score to 50,001.]
Then it's settled. The new chief executive
officer of Planet Express corporation
is That Guy.
[That Guy hums Safety Dance.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room.]
Please welcome our new chief executive
officer, That Guy.
[Fry applauds and hoots. The rest of the crew glare at him.]
Let's cut to the chase. There are two
kinds of people: sheep and sharks. Anyone
who's a sheep is fired. Who's a sheep?
Uh excuse me? Which is the one people
like to hug?
Gutsy question, you're a shark. Sharks
are winners and they don't look back
'cause they don't have necks. Necks
are for sheep.I am proud to be the
shepherd of this herd of sharks and
I am gonna lead you to the top of this
Package delviery? Oh God!Fantastic!
Now the first order of business is to
blame everything on the guy before me.
I'll ruin you like I ruined this company.
Terrific. Question number one: What
was your overall business plan?
Uh, um, uh business plan, uh, yes. I
keep it here - right next to my heart.
[He opens a drawer and pulls out a file next to a jar with a
heart in it. He hands the file to That Guy.]
This isn't a business plan, it's an
So long suckers!
[He climbs down a ladder and runs across the hangar floor laughing
Fry, as a fellow 80's dollar jockey,
I'm making you my new vice chairman.
I'm rollin' up the corporate ramp.
It's the end of the line!
What fevered dream is this that bids
to tear this company in twain?
[He leans back and starts reading National Pornographic.]
[Outside Giorgio Armonster. Exit Fry and That Guy from the shop
sporting 80's style suits. The monster waves them off.]
Thank you come again!
That's what I call a hostile makeover!
No thanks I make my own.
[He slicks his hair back.]
This company's gonna shoot straight
to the top and stay there! Like Cindy
Lauper! I ask you: Who is the number
one delivery service on Earth?
Is it Planet Express master?
[That Guy laughs.]
Is this guy a shark or what? Seriously
though we stink out loud. Here's the
big enchirito.Mom's Friendly Delivery
We can't compete with Mom! Her company
is big, and evil. Ours is small and
Switzerland is small and neutral. We're
more like Germany; ambitious and misunderstood.
Look, everyone wants to be like Germany
but do we really have the pure strength
I say we do! Now are we gonna let ourselves
be beaten by an old lady?
Yes my liege!
No we're not. And as vice chairman,
I believe I speak for the entire board
when I issue this challenge to Mom.
Look at my butt!
[He presses it up against the window and cheers.]
[Cut to: Mom's Office. Mom, Walt, Larry and Igner look out the
You call that a pressed ham? Walt, hit
the retaliate button.
[Walt looks at a control panel.]
Uh, um, hmm lets see.
Any button they all retaliate!
[Walt presses a random button.]
[Cut to: Outside Mom's Building. The sign on the top of the building
with Mom bottle-feeding a parcel like a baby suddenly turns eeevil.
The bottle turns towards the Planet Express ship and fires lasers
at it. The crew scream from inside and the ship flies away.]
[Madison Cube Garden. Fry and That Guy are sitting in the VIP
section with Zapp, Calculon, Morbo and Jackie Anderson watching
the big ape fight. The apes fight and scream. Fry hoots.]
Woo yeah! Hit him hit him hit him!
Now this is the high life! Watching
apes mangle each other near celebrities!
In my day we went to coke parties but
the principle's the same.
[An ape screams and throws it's trike at Calculon.]
Get your stinkin' trike off me you damn
Listen big guy, now that you're my prodégé,
it's time I cut you in on the secret
to success. Any guesses?
Uh, work really really hard?
Oh thank God!
It's all about appearances. That's why
its time to update our company's stodgy
image and give it the sleek dazzling
veneer of the 1980's!
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Enter Fry and That Guy on rocket
powered chairs. The rest of the crew are asleep at the table.
Fry claps and they suddenly wake up.]
This company's on the fast track to
the It List! Blast back kudos all around!
Uh hello? We haven't made one delivery
since you two took over.
Delivery has nothing to do with the
delivery business. Image people, image!
Scope out this new ad!
[He presses a button on the remote and an advert comes on the
big screen. A Planet Express-ified version of Apple's 1984 ad.
A woman runs into a building with a Planet Express package. Mom
is on a huge screen.]
MOM [ON AD]
We are all one. With one mind, one purpose
and one act. Our enemy shall be eaten
by scorpions!We shall bow down and
worship to ourselves.We shall prevail!
[The package hits the screen and it explodes. A man in the audience
MAN [ON AD]
Hey! We were watching that!
[The scene freezes and a new Planet Express logo appears on the
screen á la the FedEx logo only this time it's PlanEx.]
That was terrible! People won't even
know what we do.
I don't even know what we do. Nah just
kidding, what are like a bus or something?
Did you approve that awful ad Fry?
Yes I did Leels! And I'll tell you why.
Because it grows the brand.
[That Guy pats his shoulder.]
This company's circling the drain I
tell you. I'd sell my stock right now
for a sangwich!
[He gets a sandwich out of a Miami Vice lunchbox and hands it
A complete sangwich?You got fleeced!
I would have settled for a hard roll
with ketchup inside!
[Mom's Office. She runs on a running machine while looking at
Mentor magazine and Protégé magazine. That Guy and Fry are on
What is this moose drip?The new delivery
kings? I'm sick of hearing about those
But they're kings mommy!
Jam a bastard in it you crap!
[She slaps them.]
[Elzar's Fine Cuisine: Private Dining Room. That Guy and Fry
are seated in a cosy little room.]
Enjoy our private dining room folks!
This is where we serve our richest most
Tonight, that's us!
What have you got that's really overpriced?
Bring me that.
Make it two. And a glass of all your
[Elzar leaves and That guy pulls out some card from his jacket.]
OK, lets work on your execu-speak. I'm
worried about "blank."
Don't you worry about "blank" let me
worry about "blank."
Very good. I also would have accepted
"Blank? Blank?! you're not looking at
the big picture!"
[Mom coughs from behind Fry and he and That Guy look up.]
What a pleasant surprise!
Shut up booger blaster! It's time the
three of us had a talk.
I'll handle this Fry. You get back to
the farm, shift some paradigms, revolutionise
outside the box.
I'm on it. But if you need me you know
where I'll be.
[He walks through a door to the wine cellar and falls down the
[Planet Express: Fry's Office. Fry irons his tie.]
[Enter Leela, Bender, Hermes, Zoidberg, Amy, Scruffy and Farnsworth.]
Fry we're worried about Planet Express.
Don't you worry about Planet Express.
Let me worry about blank!
That Guy is nothing but a flashy con
man! And you've been hypnotised by his
You've changed Fry.
What? I haven't changed.Suz? Have
SUZ [ON INTERCOM]
No sir Mr Fry.
I don't care what Ms Johnson says, Thst
Guy's turning this place into some kind
This isn't a business, I've always thought
of it as more of a source of cheap labour.
Like a family.
You're right Professor. We might not
be a traditional family like the Murphy's
next door or the lesbian coven across
the street but we are a family, and
That Guy understands that.
[That Guy appears on a screen.]
THAT GUY [ON SCREEN]
Everyone's fired and we're out of business.
THAT GUY [ON SCREEN]
I'm gonna sell Planet Express to Mom
so she can gut the company and eliminate
us as competitors.
MOM [ON SCREEN]
Don't let the door hit you on your way
out. 'Cause I don't want ass prints
on my new door!
[The screen cuts out and the ex-crew glare at Fry. He presses
the launch button on his chair and it takes off, struggles, and
crashes down again. Everyone glares harder. Fry presses the intercom.]
Uh Ms Johnson? Please bring in some
more chair fuel.
[Planet Express: Locker Area. Everyone clears out their lockers.]
I had no idea the company would be sold.
I was just an innocent suck up. You've
gotta believe me!
[Leela slams her door shut.]
Just leave us alone and let us clear
out our lockers.
[He slams Hermes' door shut and chuckles. Amy clears out her
locker and puts her stuff in a box a man is holding for her.]
It's so sad, where will I go? What will
You have Mrs Darlinghaven's cotillion
at 7 ma'am.
Oh. That'll be fun.
[Planet Express: Fry's Office. Fry sighs and presses the intercom
Ms Johnson, you've never lied to me.
Am I still a good person?
SUZ [ON INTERCOM]
I don't know sir. I'm a program built
into the intercom.
I've got to redeem myself. Somehow,
sometime, for some reason. I'll block
SUZ [ON INTERCOM]
Mr Fry, your 2 o'clock magician is here.
Believe it or not, I have more important
things to do today than laugh and clap
[The Planet Express ship flies towards the Intergalactic Stock
Exchange and the huge Momcorp ship follows.]
[Cut to: Intergalactic Stock Exchange. People and robots shout,
buying and selling stock.]
Sell 100 soylent beans!
Buy 1000 cornbellies!
200 cans of whoop-ass!
Three big bags of trash!
[Everything goes silent and a huge holographic head appears in
the middle of the room.]
Attention please. The takeover of PlanEx
Corp by Mom's Friendly Company will
take place in the business centre in
10 minutes. I am Jor-El! Master of scheduling!
[Intergalactic Stock Exchange Business Centre. Hundreds of people
fill the room. The Planet Express employees sit angrily next
to Mom's sons.]
OK, we've got the hot tub hot, the wine
cooler's cool. It's Hammer time!
[The Planet Express employees boo him.]
[Mom takes the stand.]
According to regulations, both companies
must approve the takeover. Planet Express
shareholders, cast your votes.
Great Bonda of Uganda! We can vote against
I'll vote it down like a raise for school
[They all vote No and a chart ppears behind That Guy and Mom.
49% have voted for No. That Guy votes Yes and the graph changes
to 51% for Yes. Planet Express gasps.]
I neglected to mention that the shares
I bought from Dr Zoidberg gave me majority
Zoidberg owned 51% of the company?
The shares were worthless and he kept
asking for toilet paper.
And now if Momcorp shareholders will
cast their ballots.
[She selects Yes and the Momcorp vote goes up to 99.7% Yes. Walt
votes Yes and it changes to 99.8%. Larry votes and it changes
to 99.9%. Igner has a little trouble.]
Um...uh... Uh, the ballot was confusing.
How about a hand recount?
The takeover of Planet Express is approved.
[The Planet Express crew boos.]
Madam is outraged.
Security, I want that bunch of rowdies
out of here.
[The securitybots lift the crew out of their seats.]
Hold on a minute!
[The securitybots take the crew away leaving only a sleeping
Farnsworth and Hattie in their seats.]
Momcorp will now purchase all outstanding
shares of Planet Express at the current
market price which is...
[On the screen behind her PLNX 107 appears.]
[Cut to: Outside Business Centre. The securitybots drop the crew
onto the floor.]
Ow! And also it hurt my feelings!
They are? Oh my God! I'm a millionaire!
Suddenly I have an opinion about that
capital gains tax!
Yeah all right!
I'm even richer!
Oh! I have no shares!Wait! My sangwich!
Has it also appreciated in value?Please
You didn't even refrigerate it you spineless
You had to drag spines into this!
[He cries. Fry appears on the overhead monitors. He clears his
FRY [ON SCREEN]
As vice chairman of Planet Express I'd
like to say a few words. There comes
a time for every man who becomes rich
and deserts his friends, when he goes
back how it was. For me, that time is
[Cut to: Intergalactic Stock Exchange Business Centre. Fry turns
to That Guy.]
...So I ask you, as a friend, won't
you stop this deal?
Fry I'm an 80's guy. Friendship means
to me that for two bucks I'd beat you
with a pool cue 'til you got detached
retinas. The deal will go ahead as -
[The crowd gasps.]
Oh my God! His boneitis!
I was so busy being an 80's guy, I forgot
to cure it.My only regret is...that
[He stops twisting.]
[The crowd gasps.]
Pry out his fillings, feed him to the
jackals and lets get on with the sale.
I don't think so. 'Cause as vice chairman
of the company I gain voting control
of his shares.
Don't be a fool you idiot!
I'll be whatever I wanna do! That Guy
was the greatest businessman that ever
lived and before his mysterious death
he taught me everything he knew.But
some things I had to learn myself.
I learned that money is fine but in
the end what counts is people... ...People
you love... ...You can't put a price
on that... So I'm giving up control
of the company... ...to a man of enourmous
experience... ...Professor... ...Hubert
[Farnsworth is still asleep but is now wearing a sleeping cap
and bunny slippers. He wakes up.]
Oh uh what? I'm awake, I'm awake!
[The stock price goes haywire. Tape falls from the ceiling an
the Planet Express crew slide down on it.]
Fry, stop doing the right thing you
Let Mom buy the company! We all wanna
be filthy stinking rich!
Trust me two out of three doesn't cut
You mean you'd rather be rich than work
In my whole life this company was the
only place I ever really felt at home.
If being millionaires is more important
to you than our...
...friendship, then I'll sell Planet
Express, for you.
Millionaires nothing! The stock's only
worth three kajiggers!
[The crew mumble.]
Oh come on!
My Jah! It's worth less now than when
it was worthless!
It is? Yahoo! We're poor no matter what
I do! The deal is off!
[He selects no and the Planet Express vote changes to 100% for
Aha! Once again the conservative sangwich-heavy
portfolio pays off for the hungry investor!
Oh! I'm ruined.Why? Why?
Look, so we're not millionaires. At
least we all still get to work together!
Shut your fat mouth!
[The crew walk out muttering.]
See you guys Monday!