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Я чувствую себя полным придурком. (109)
ACV: Антология интересов II | Anthology of Interest IIАвтор сценария: Lewis Morton, David X. Cohen, Jason Gorbett, Scott Kirby
Режиссёр: Brett Haaland
"ANTHOLOGY OF INTEREST II"
Lewis Morton, David X. Cohen, Jason Gorbett & Scott Kirby
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Hey TiVo! Suggest This!]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The Professor hits his What
If? machine with a hammer.]
There. I've finished fine tuning my
What If? machine. It can answer any
What If? question, accurate to within
1/10th of a plausibility unit.
That's so plausible I can't believe
Who wants the machine to show them an
[Bender steps forward.]
I wanna know what would happen if I
were human. I mean, being a robot's
great but we don't have emotions and
sometimes that makes me very sad.
Oh lordy loo! There he goes again. Well,
let's give baby what he wants.What
if Bender were human?
[He pulls a string.]
[What If? Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender is strapped
to a table with the crew gathered around him.]
Good news everyone. I've discovered
a way to make Bender human using a process
I call "reverse fossilisation."
How does it work?
Well, in regular fossilisation, flesh
and bone turn to minerals. Realising
that, it was a simple matter to reverse
the process. I've already tested it
by turning the toaster into a racoon.
[He puts the racoon on a table. It runs around a bit before two
slices of toast pop out of it. Fry takes a bite.]
Are you ready Bender?
I dunno. I'm beginning to have second
[Farnsworth throws a switch and Bender is zapped with electricity
in a fashion resembling the countless Frankenstein films. He
slowly starts to take human form. He grows hair, a nose and...]
Cover your shame mon!
[He puts some underpants on Bender. The table tips up and human
Bender walks off. Everyone gasps.]
It worked! Eat it everyone who never
won a Nobel Prize! And that includes
[Amy cries. Bender looks at his new self.]
So this is the human body huh? Neat!
Hey, my antenna's gone.Nah it just
moved. I'm not getting good reception
on it though. Maybe if I wiggle it around
Bender no! You'll make God cry.
Well lets see what kind of things thing
body can do.Hey that's pretty fun.
Being human is great!
[He vomits again. Zoidberg cheers.]
Hooray, its just like Mardis Gras!
[What If? Planet Express: Meeting Room. Bender walks out of the
Guy guys, you've gotta see this. You're
not gonna believe it!
Bender it's OK to be pround but don;t
be a show off.
[Bender looks Amy up and down.]
Whoa, you look a lot better than you
used to for some reason.
You're not so bad yourself big boy.
[She kisses him.]
Hey that felt great!Nah its not working
Speak for yourself!
[What If? O'Zorgnax's Pub. Bender downs a glass of beer and lights
up a cigar.]
Whoa, this is awesome!
Bender you drank and smoked when you
were a robot.
But now its bad for me! Woo!
[He picks up another glass. Fry slides a box of nachos onto the
Speaking of which, try these nachos.
[Bender tastes one and his eyes widen with delight. He starts
scoffing the rest of them.]
Mmm, why didn't anyone tell me tasting
things tasted so good?What's going
on? That rhythm. Its doing something
to my human butt.
[He stands up and starts to dance still holding his beer, cigar
and some nachos.]
Bender, part of being human is having
Oh my God I bet I can eat nachos and
go to the bathroom at the same time!
[He picks up the box of nachos but everyone else restrains him.]
Let me go.
Come Bender, its time to go home and
rest. I need you in top shape next week
when I present you to the Nobel Prize
[Bender climbs out of a window.]
[Cut to: Street. Bender runs down the street cheering.]
[What If? Bar. Bender dances with two girls to Conga still with
a glass of beer and a hot dog.]
[Cut to: Street. He walks out of D.U.I. Friday's and into Dinkin'
[Time Lapse. He leaves a little while later with his arms around
[What If? Academy Of Science. A week later Farnsworth and the
rest of the crew are at the Nobel Prize committee for the judging.
Farnsworth is on the stage at a podium trying to buy some time
while Amy and Zoidberg sit at a table together.]
Is Bender still missing for a week?
Where is he already?
Uh as I've said before, I used reverse
fossilisation, which is the reverse
of regular, uh...
[He wipes his brow. Fry pokes his head out from behind a curtain.]
Psst, we found him!
Ah, them without further stalling for
time, I present to the Nobel judges,
the first robot ever turned into a human.
[The curtain slides back. Bender is a huge fat blob. He groans.
The scientists gasp.]
My God, he needs medical attention!
[Zoidberg scans Bender.]
Pulse...300, liver...failing, cholesterol...40?
Well that's not so bad.
No I mean 40 pounds!
[Farnsworth continues but a little shaken.]
This, uh, scientific breakthrough, uh,
heralds a new dawn in human-robot relations
[Bender groans and looks at a woman.]
C'mere and give old Bender a kiss.
Hey, you like grilled cheese?
[He takes some grilled cheese out from under a roll of flab.]
And, uh thats why I believe I deserve
the Nobel Prize.
Not only do you not deserve a Nobel
Prize for loosing this bloated man-ball
on the world but you are hereby kicked
out of the Academy Of Science.
[The scientists cheer and applaud.]
Wait. As men of science are not your
minds open to new ideas? I say, do not
judge me until you have tried my way
of life for yourselves.
[The scientists look at each other.]
Young man, you have opened our minds
and swayed our hearts. Let us therefore
[Zoidberg puts Conga on a jukebox and warbles. Enter Fry with
a keg and Amy and Hermes with food.]
[Time Lapse. The druken scientists are asleep and sitting around
in their underwear.]
Bender, you were right! Truly you have
lived more in your one week of being
human than the rest of us have in our
And so to recognise your achievements
I hereby award you the Nobel Prize......in
Care to say a few words Bender?
[Bender doesn't. Fry moves his hand across Bender's eyes.]
When did he die?
[Farnsworth checks Bender's pulse.]
About 12 hours ago when the party started.
But he just said "Woo."
No. That was air escaping from the folds
of his fat.Goodnight sweet prince.
You were the greatest man any of us
will ever know. Well lets get him out
of here. He's starting to smell up the
[The rest of the crew roll Bender out and woos along the way.]
You watched it, you can't unwatch it.
Stay tuned for more Tales Of Interest!
[The What If? Scenario ends.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]
Who else has a question for the What
If? machine? Scruffy? Katrina? Xanfor?
Ooo I have one. I'm good at video games
and bad at everything else. That's why
I wish life were more like a video game.
Can you put that in the form of a question?
Uh, What if that thing I said?
[Farnsworth lights a stick of incense.]
Oh great machine we beseech thee. What
if life were more like a video game?
[What If? A video game ship flies around shoots some asteroids
like in the game Asteroids and lands in the Planet Express hangar.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Enter the crew, back from a
mission. Farnsworth and Hermes are sat on the couch watching
Nixon in the TV.]
NIXON [ON TV]
Good evening ignorant pigs. Put down
your crack pipes and you beer bongs
and pay attention as I sign a historic
peace accord with Ambassador Kong of
planet Nintendu 64.
[Donkey Kong stands next to Nixon holding a barrel over his head.]
Wait a second, I know that monkey. His
name is Donkey.
Monkies aren't donkies! Quit messing
with my head!
[Cut to: UN Building.]
I'll just put the old John Q. Nixon
on it.There. No major crap ups. You're
on Mr Ambassador!What the?
[Donkey Kong throws the barrel at Nixon and his jar goes flying.
Everyone gasps. Donkey Kong climbs a ladder.]
[Cut to: Outside UN Building. Donkey Kong bounces along the roof
and the floors collapse like in Donkey Kong.]
[Cut to: UN Building. Mario, the Italian representative, stands
Mama Mia! The cruel meatball of war
has rolled onto our laps and ruined
our white pants of peace!
[He runs off.]
[What If? MilAtari HQ. The crew and a miliatari guy walk down
Mr Fry rumour has it you know the secrets
of the video game Chance. Please step
into the war room.
[A message on the war room door tels them they need the blue
key to enter. The man holds up the blue key and the door opens.]
[Cut to: War Room.]
You'll be meeting with General Colin
Wakka wakka wakka wakka. Lets get down
to business. What can you tell us about
Well sir, I spent all of ninth grade
studying them. Except for that day when
my eyeballs started to bleed. And in
[A building outside explodes. Everyone gasps.]
Quickly, to the escape tunnels!
[Everyone runs off wakka-wakka-ing.]
[Cut to: Pac-man Screen.]
This way damn it!
[Zoidberg eats the pellet thingies.]
Mmm, delicious! Just like stale marshmellows!
Ooo and a cherry!
[He eats it and carries on running. He starts chasing Fry.]
Hey watch out!
[He eats him.]
Oh my god, he ate Fry! Fry is dead!
[Fry slides up behind them,]
Its OK, I had another guy!
[What If? Outside Planet Express. Everyone comes out of the end
of the escape tunnel and are very tired.]
[Zoidberg coughs up five pellets, a pixelated cherry, a pixelated
pretzel and a key. A shadow creeps over them. Spaceships start
Invaders! Possibly from space!
[Cut to: Outside Lrrr's Ship. He opens a window and pokes his
People of Earth, I am Lrrr of the planet
Nintendu 64. Tremble in fear at our
three different kinds of ships!
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]
Alright, its Saturday night. I have
no date, a two litre bottle of Shasta,
and my all Rush mix tape! Let's rock!
[What If? Player's Ship. Fry stands at an arcade console listening
to Rush's Tom Sawyer. He uses the console to control his ship
and attack the Space Invaders. He shoots and destroys a few ships.]
[Cut to: Lrrr's Ship.]
We're losing ships sir. What are your
Increase speed, drop down and reverse
[And they do.]
[Cut to: Player's Ship. Fry gulps down some Shasta.]
I've still got a trick or two up my
sleeve. Watch as I fire up through our
He's a madman! A madman!!
[Fry fires up through the shield and destroys several more ships.]
It's working. Victory is ensured! My
retirement tomorrow will be all the
sweeter!I'm hit! So cold!
[He folds over and dies. Enter Ms Pac-man crying.]
MS PAC-MAN (CRYING)
No - wakka wakka!
Amy, tend to the widow pac-man.
[Ms Pac-man cries and wakkas.]
[Cut to: Outside Lrrr's Ship. He opens the window.]
Drop down and increase speed.
[Fry destroys another ship. Only Lrrr's ship remains.]
[Cut to: Outside Player's Ship. Zoidberg looks up through the
One ship is left only.
[Cut to: Player's Ship. Everyone cheers.]
Come on Fry get it!
It's moving too fast. Oh I could never
get the last one. My brother always
got it for me!
[Cut to: Outside Lrrr's Ship. His ship cuts through Fry's shields.
Lrrr opens the window.]
Drop down, reverse direction, prepare
[His ship lands. A caption appears. War Over. Congratulations
Enter Initials. Fry enters "ASS" and chuckles.]
[What If? Outside Planet Express. The crew are assembled outside
Lrrr's ship. Some steps come down and several arcade characters
get out along with Lrrr.]
You are defeated. Instead of shooting
where I was you should have shot where
I was going to be.
All your base are belong to us.
What do you monsters want?
One thing and one thing only. Quarters!
A million allowances worth of quarters!
No slugs or tokens!
Fork 'em over! (different tone) Fork
Forget it you pixelated pirates. We
need those quarters to do our laundry.
Sure thing Professor!
But, but space invaders need to do laundry
too! I mean look at Donkey Kong here.
Have you smelled his loincloth lately?
Go away. We're not giving you our quarters
no matter what.
Well...then what if we throw our laundry
in with yours? Would that be acceptable?
I guess so.
[Lrrr takes off his cape.]
OK then, that settles that. But if this
cape shrinks, consider your species
Bravo! That'll be hard to top! I pity
the next Tale Of Interest!
[The What If? Scenario ends.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]
Well, there's time for one last question.
Let's turn to the Who Ask machine to
see who's next.
[He turns the machine on.]
WHO ASK MACHINE
Um uh um...Amy.I mean Leela.
OK, ahem. As an alien who was abandoned
on Earth, I've never really belonged
[She hits him on the back of the head and his eyes fly out and
[Bender looks around for his eyes.]
So my question is this: What if I found
my true home?Ow!
[She falls over unconcious.]
[Cut to: Leela's Dream. Everything is brown and white like in
Wizard Of Oz. Nibbler wakes up Leela who is dressed like Dorothy.
Leela looks around. She is in the Planet Express ship.]
Where are we?
[A tornado blows around the ship outside. Scruffy, the man witch,
flies past on a broom. He laughs evily but then can't be bothered
and flies away. The ship crash lands.]
[Outside Ship. Leela climbs down the steps. The ship is on its
Nibbler, I don't think we're in New
New York anymore.Jeez, apparently
the phrase tone it down doesn't exist
on this planet.Oh no! We hit someone!
Quick, back into the ships.Ooo, nice
[Nibbler sniffs them but recoils in horror. Enter Cubert, Dwight,
Tinny Tim, a gay Neptunian elf, a grunka-lunka and Glurmo all
dressed in weird stuff.]
Look everyone! She killed the man-witch
of the west!
A witch? That explains how these boots
magically appeared on my feet.
No, you stole them, we saw you.
Well...its hard to find shoes that fit
me. So anyway, who are you people? Haven't
I seen you in some copyrighted movie?
We resemble but are legally distinct
from the lollipop guild, the lollipop
[Nibbler eats him. Enter Amy in a bubble.]
Greetings Leela, I'm The Cute With Of
Yeah, can anyone fix my ship so I can
Abracaduh! Just ask the Professor! He
lives in the Emerald Laboratory down
Martin Luther King Boulevard.
You mean that yellow brick road?
The city council renamed it in 1975.
(sarcastic) Ooo those are great shoes!
Oh thank you.
Do they come in women's sizes?
[Leela presses a button on her wristamajig and the steps come
out of the ship and crush Amy.]
[Martin Luther King Boulevard. Leela walks down the road and
passes a scarecrow in a field that looks like Fry. A crow lands
on some corn.]
OK crow, prepare to be scared.And
then - honk honk - the car honked it's
Wow, a talking scarecrow. Wanna come
with us to see the Professor? He might
be able to give you a brain.
Hey, that's not a nice thing to say.
[She pours some into his mouth, he belches fire and sets fire
to Fry's arm. Fry pats out the flames.]
Now did you say you were off to see
the Professor? 'Cause I could use a
heart. A human heart. I need to pump
a lot of blood out of my basement.
[Enter Zoidberg in a yellow cab.]
And I'm the other guy. Courage. Not
enough of it. Need some from whatshisname.
[Time Lapse. They all skip down the yellow brick boulevard.]
[Cut to: Mom's Castle. The evil witch Mom watches it on her TV.
The TV picture goes funny and she hits the TV repeatedly.]
Damn this DSL!Fly my stupids! Fly
out and get them!
But Mom, you promised you'd make monkey
By "monkey cake" I meant your ass.
[She slaps them and they fly away.]
[Cut to: Martin Luther King Boulevard. The foursome are still
Man, we've been skipping for hours.
I need to pull over and take the wiz.
[Walt, Larry and Igner swoop down and take Fry, Leela and Bender.]
What do I smell or something?Oh!
Why did you bring us here?
And why did I have to take a cab?
I'll tell you why I brought you here
you twice baked barf bag. Because I've
always wanted a daughter to love. You
want to get adopted you little skank?
And live here? And be a witch like you?
Yeah, alright. As long as I get to hurt
people and not just dance around at
Oh mommy, I found my true home!
[They hug. Zoidberg, Fry and Bender cheer.]
That's great Leela.
I've heard worse excuses to drink.
[Purple smoke starts to come from Mom.]
I'm melting! Who would have thought
a small amount of liquid would ever
fall on me?
Well, no point in letting her go to
[He pulls a straw out of his chest cavity and starts drinking
the puddle of Mom.]
[Outside The Professor's Laboratory. A cab pulls up outside the
green building which looks like the Planet Express building and
everyone gets out. Leela knocks on the door. Hermes opens a peephole.]
HERMES [FROM INSIDE]
We're here to see the Professor.
HERMES [FROM INSIDE]
No one sees the mighty Professor.
Oh for the love of Benji.
[She pokes him in the eyes and opens the door. The four walk
[Cut to: The Professor's Laboratory. Farnsworth, with a big head,
stands behind a curtain.]
I am the Professor. Great and...uh...forgetful!
Now what do you nice kids want?
Nothing, I'm leaving. But if you have
extra courage I'd haul it away for you
Oh blithery poop my cowardly lobster!
You don't need courage. Afterall, who
needs courage when you have a gun?
[He hands Zoidberg a gun and he pretends to shoot it.]
Now world, you put your hands up!
And you lad, all you need is brain.
Why does everyone keep saying that?
[Bender takes Zoidberg's gun.]
This is a stick up. Give me the bag
Here you go my friend. 5000 Professor
Land fun bucks!
[Farnsworth turns to Leela.]
As for you young lady, you want to go
No not anymore. I wanna stay here and
become the new Wicked Witch.
Nonsense. Now click your big honking
boots together three times and wish
to go home to Kansas, to live in poerty
with your dirt farming, teetotalling
aunt and uncle.
Uh, alright. Here I go.There's no
place like - I wanna be a witch!Oh
no, help, what's happening?
Uh sorry, I think there's a problem
with your upstairs toilet.
[Leela melts some more.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Bender throws a bucket
of water on her and she wakes up.]
[Leela coughs and splutters.]
Leela, are you alright? You got wanged
on the head.
I was having the most wonderful dream.
Except you were there and you were
there and you were there.
Never mind Professor, she came to.
[Enter Farnsworth with a box marked Leela's Organs.]
Oh, so close.
[Hermes puts his hand on Farnsworth's shoulder.]
There's always next year Professor,
there's always next year.