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Что со мной? Половое созревание? (325)
ACV: Сказка о потерянном времени | Time Keeps on Slippin'Автор сценария: Ken Keeler
Режиссёр: Chris Loudon
"TIME KEEPS ON SLIPPING"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: For Proper Viewing, Take Red Pill
[Central Park Lake. People enjoy themselves on the lake, sunbathing,
barbecuing and fishing. The Planet Express crew are there. Hermes
throws a frisbee.]
Go get it, boy!
[Zoidberg runs after it, catches it and eats it. Leela eats a
sandwich and Fry kneels in front of her.]
So, Leela, how about a romantic ride
in one of those swan boats? They're
kinda dangerous but I finally mastered
Those aren't swan boats, they're swans.
Oh. That explains these boat eggs.
[He holds up some eggs. A shadow creeps over him and he gasps.
It's a flying saucer. Crowds flee, screaming, as it lands by
[A screaming man runs past Amy, who is sunbathing topless, is
briefly distracted by her, then carries on screaming. Amy sees
the flying saucer and screams. A ramp comes down from the ship
and a door opens. Nine basketball players walk out, dribbling
basketballs. The leader, a guy with an afro, steps forward.]
Pitiful ballplayers of Earth, I am Ethan
"Bubblegum" Tate, commander of the Harlem
Globetrotters.For generations, your
puny planet has lived in peace with
the Globetrotter Homeworld. But now,
for no reason, we challenge you to defend
your honour on the basketball court.
Will no one meet our challenge? Have
none of you pathetic Earthlings game?
(shouting) What happens if we lose?
Nothing. There's nothing at stake and
no threat - beyond the shame of defeat!
[A player passes him a basketball with Earth on it and he drops
it into a bin. People gasp and Zoidberg holds Hermes back.]
This will not stand!I'll take you
on, you air-balling bozos.
You, old man? Sweet Clyde, laugh derisively
[Another player laughs.]
I may be an old man - in fact, I'm fairly
sure I am - but I'll put you Globetrotters
in your place with my team of mutant
[The crowd cheers.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Farnsworth has gathered the
staff in front of a big curtain.]
Behold: My mutant atomic supermen.
[He draws back the curtain to reveal five little men in nappies
in a hamster cage.]
They're only a foot high, professor.
Well, they're still young. Mere atomic
super boys, really. We'll need to speed
up their growth with time particles
Aren't those the particles that destroyed
an entire civilisation -
Good news, everyone. You're off to the
Tempest Nebula to gather Chronitons.
[Tempest Nebula. Fry, Leela and Bender are tethered to the ship
and holding jars. Fry and Bender wear space suits. Leela plucks
a particle from the nebula and hole starts to burn away where
the particle was. She puts it in the jar. Bender lets them glide
into his mouth, then he spits them into a jar.]
Hey, Leela. Look at me!
[He takes the valve out of his helmet and his head inflates.
He puts it back in and it shrinks to normal size. He coughs.]
Your face can take a lot of punishment.
That's good to know.
There's a lot about my face you don't
know. Perhaps you and it could get better
acquainted over dinner.
Alright, cool your jets, hotshot.
C'mon, Leela, why won't you go out with
me? We both know there's something there.
No, I mean cool your jets. They're melting
[Fry turns around and sees his jets turning Bender red-hot.]
(shouting) Ow! Oh my God! Ow!
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew return from the nebula.
Leela holds a huge bottle of the particles.]
Here you go. Hot off the nebula.
None too soon. While you were gone the
Trotters held a news conference to announce
that I was a jive sucker.Behold! My
invincible nuclear mutants.
[Madison Cube Garden. The bleachers around the basketball court
are packed. Marv Albert commentates.]
Marv Albert here at Madison Cube Garden
where the Harlem Globerotters take on
a squad of atomic supermen in what promises
to be a by-the-numbers athletic contest
with no surprises whatsoever.Here's
the tip-off. Globetrotter ball. Sweet
Clyde Dixon to Bubblegum Tate. Drives
down-court - and Curly Joe from the
[Curly Joe grabs the five-armed mutant's ass. Zoidberg laughs.]
That one grabbed his behindus!
Who dares laugh at the Jesters of Dunk?
We came to terrify and humiliate you
- not tickle your funnybones. Watch
as I embarrass your civilisation by
passing the ball to Curly Joe.Only
to have it remain in my hands with elastic.
And perhaps this will wipe the smiles
from your faces.
[He passes to another player and he throws it to the net.]
Goose goes up... Rejected! Growtrium
[The crowd cheers.]
Supermen lead 45-42. Arachneon with
the steal, to Thorias. Thorias from
downtown!Yes! He's really showing
us what a man with a cannon in his chest
No showboarding, you atomic hotdog!
[He weakly throws a chair and a buzzer buzzes.]
And that's the half, with the Supermen
up 48-42. Surprisingly dull, so far.
Bubblegum, the Trotters are down by
It was always our plan to trail at the
half. Thus deepening Earth's eventual
humiliation. Also: What game were the
[Time Lapse. The referee throws the ball up. Curly Joe sits on
the scoreboard with the ball, just out of reach of Growtrium.
Curly Joe, easily amused by his own
antics......continues to wreak havoc
[Everything flashes and the players suddenly change position.
The ball is now spinning on Tate's finger.]
What the?Did everything just jump
around? Or did my brain just stroke
off there for a second?
Ladies and gentlemen, something very
strange has just happened in this basketball
game between space clowns and atomic
[Tate shrugs and throws the ball. The laser-eyed mutant shoots
a laser beam at the ball in it bursts into flames. Everything
jumps around again and the five-armed mutant finds himself flying
through the air. He hits the back board and lands on the hoop.
The crowd groans.]
[The referee blows the whistle.]
We seem to be lurching forward randomly
in time, like a needle skipping on a
What's causing it? Is it my outfit?
No. It must have something to do with
those time particles I used to grow
the Supermen. Time and space are ripping
apart at the seams.
[The Supermen gasp. Thorias releases the ball from his cannon
and it hits Arachneon and splats him.]
Oh, great. Now, on top of everything,
we need a new fifth man.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, put me in, professor.
I wanna show Leela my skills.
Hmm. Will said skills pay the bills?
Who cares? We're 35 points ahead with
two minutes left. What could possibly
[Time skips. Fry is standing in the middle of the court holding
the ball. The crowd boos as Tate takes the ball and scores. The
Globetrotters win, 244-86. A dark day
for humanity, folks. We have been beaten...in
[The Globetrotters cheer and taunt Earth.]
Yeah, that's ow we do it!
You are all fools of the highest calibre.
[Everyone starts to leave.]
I don't know what you did, Fry, but
once again you screwed up. Now all the
planets are gonna start cracking wise
about our mamas.
I'm just glad my fat, ugly mama isn't
alive to see this day.
Enough about your promiscuous mother,
Hermes. We have bigger problems. This
time disruption is extremely serious.
Damn right, brother man. This chronological
wang-dang-doodle could destroy the very
matrix of reality.
Tate? What do you know about this?
Not much, yet. But I am senior lecturer
of physics at Globetrotter U. And I
like to help you investigate.
You're that Bubblegum Tate?
Well I sure ain't his grandma. Now look
here, prof......I think we got ourselves
an excess of Chronitons in the subatomic
Yes, I see. Something involving that
many big words could easily destabilise
Is that a problem?
Indeed so. At this rate, by Tuesday
it will be Thursday; By Wednesday, it
will be August and by Thursday, it will
be the end of existence as we know it.
I'll have to ask you to clear out now.
The circus need to set up for tomorrow's
[Time skips and the Planet Express staff and the Globetrotters
find themselves in the middle of a circus. An elephant trumpets
and they scatter.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. The staff watch a news report.]
Time continues to skip forward randomly.
Details at 11.
[Time skips and it is already 11pm.]
This is the news at 11. The mysterious
an unexplained -
Turning to entertainment news, teen
singer Wendy might just be the latest
...won three Grammys last night -
[Time skips. The picture of Wendy behind her has a "2984 - 3002"
caption below it.]
...found dead in her bathtub.
[Farnsworth turns the TV off.]
Interesting. It's as if we behave normally
during the time skips, but then we have
no memory of it.
You mean we just -
...my, yes. Ooh, just like that. Any
[In the corner of the room, Tate is wearing a lab coat and doing
some equations on a board.]
Not yet. Listen, I hope you don't mind
if I dribble a little while I work.
Not if you'll grant me the same liberty.
[He wipes his mouth on his sleeve.]
Ooh, ohh, Bubblegum? My name's Bender
and I'm a huge fan of your work, both
on and off the court. Can I be a Globetrotter?
Shut up, turkey.
[Bender sighs. Farnsworth swings something around.]
Bubblegum, look at this. The background
time radiation is fluctuating wildly.
[The needle on the time flux meter wobbles back and forth.]
Good Lord. That sucker's shaking around
like some fine, imported booty.
Say, I'm no physicist, but I think I
know how to stop the skipping. We'll
[Time skips. Hermes is wearing a funky shirt and playing a steel
drum while the others have formed a nude conga line.]
I don't know how this was supposed to
Professor, I hope you find out what's
wrong before we skip right past my birth
[Time skips. The lounge has streamers and balloons and banners
around it in celebration of Amy's birthday. There is a cake on
the coffee table and presents around it.]
Happy birthday, Amy.
Hooray, look at all these presents!
I hope we all have as much tomorrow
at my birth -
[Time skips. Zoidberg sits alone in the empty lounge. There is
a tiny cupcake on the table with a candle in it. He looks around.]
[Planet Express: Corridor. Fry peeps around a door and attracts
Psst, Leela. I've set up a time-proof
shelter in the closet. There's only
room for two, and you're the one I wanna
share it with.
Fry, that's so sweet. Let me see.
[Cut to: Closet. Leela looks inside. There is a mattress in the
corner, candles, a black light and a bottle of champagne in a
bucket of ice.]
How exactly will this protect us from
(sexfully) Because when we're together
in here, baby, time will stand still.
[Time skips. Fry has a black eye and Leela has gone.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Zoidberg looks over a chess board.]
[He picks up a piece and eats it. Enter Leela.]
Dr. Zoidberg, can I talk to you about
Leela, I would be honoured.
[He moves aside on the couch for her.]
[Time skips. Leela is sat down and Zoidberg is watching TV, ignoring
...Does the worst W.C. Fields imitation
I've ever seen. Zoidberg!
Sorry, you must have been boring me.
[He turns the TV off.]
The thing is, Fry is very sweet. But
he's so immature. I love his boyish
charm but I hate his childishness.
So he's not perfect. You don't wanna
end up old and lonely like Zoidberg!
You were saying?
[Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth sniffs around with the smellescope.
Tate and Bender are with him.]
Ah, there is it. The Tempest Nebula.
Take a whiff through the smellescope.
[Tate puts his spinning ball on Farnsworth's head where it carries
on spinning. He sniffs and recoils.]
What's that funky jazz?
The odour of pure time leaking. When
my crew removed the Chronitons, it destabilised
the nebula, causing time skips throughout
Ooh, let Bubblegum tell it.
[Tate walks over to a basket of basketballs.]
Pretend these basketballs are time particles,
my silver honky. As the nebula bounce-passes
them off us......they cause these dents,
or "time skips".
You are so smart!
[Tate looks at a map.]
Hold up. What if we were to move this
cluster of starts to these algebraic
Their gravity might just divert the
Chronitons to the empty side of the
Yeah. But is it possible? Moving stars
would require one bad-ass gravity pump.
And we'd need all the money on Earth
[Time skips and Tate and Farnsworth find themselves in the oval
office. Tate is holding a bad-ass gravity pump proposal.]
[They pick up a cheque for all of Earth's money that has been
signed by Nixon's head.]
Here's the funding for your gravity
pump. But it damn well better work!
We can't spend all of Earth's money
every day. Now, how long will it take
It won't be easy, Nixon. A jim-jam this
complex might take months or even -
[Time skips and Tate and Farnsworth are in a large building.]
Ah, there we are. One gravity pump.
Powerful enough to move the stars themselves.
Now to begin the arduous task of attaching
it to the ship so th -
[Time skips. Farnsworth is in the Planet Express hangar watching
the ship take off with the gravity pump attached to its roof.]
Off you go - apparently.
[The gravity pump pushes a star forward with some blue stuff.]
(from ship) Easy, Leela. Just finger-roll
that star to the cosmic basket.
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]
Just a few...more...hundred...thousand...miles.
[The ship moves the star into place next to over ten others which
have been placed around the nebula.]
(from ship) Nothing but nebula!
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Leela waves the time flux meter around.]
We'll have to run some tests back on
Earth, but I think we've stopped the
Hooray for Leela!
And what better way to celebrate our
success than by me showing Bubblegum
the Globetrotter uniform I made myself!
Let me see.Hello, lawsuit!
Leela, I want you to know I think the
way you moved those stars around was
really wonderful. I got you something.
[He opens a bottle of champagne and pours it into two glasses.
Moderately-priced, domestic, non-vintage
champagne? How did you know?
You deserve it. I mean, nobody ever
stops to tell you what a great captain
Aww, that is so true and sweet.
You're smart, you're beautiful, and
best of all, you'll go out with me-ee?
Fry, please try to understand. You're
a man, I'm a woman. We're just too different.
Hey, Leela. Bubblegum might let me organise
a bake sale for the Globetrotter wives.
Can you teach me to make cupcakes?
Alright, but I wanna lick the beaters.
[She and Bender leave. Fry sighs.]
I got her champagne, I opened it. What
does a guy have to do?
86 the chump stuff, F-man. It's time
to win Leela's heart with a big-showy,
three-point romantic gesture.
Hmm. Maybe this is the moment to show
her my real surprise.
[He sits in the pilot's chair and moves the ship into gear. Leela
Fry, what are you doing?
Uh-oh. Time to boogie on down to the
[He leaves and Fry presses some buttons.]
Look. I've been studying how to pilot
the ship. Impressed?
Yeah, actually. You're doing OK. The
core reactor temperature's nominal,
the blinker's off.
I learned how to work the gravity pump
too. In case we need to move more stars.
So are we dating now?
Is that what this is all about? Please,
just cut it out now.
Look, Leela. I know there's some perfect,
amazing thing I can do to make you love
me, and when I figure out what it is
Fry, stop. I don't wanna hurt you, but
there is absolutely, positively no way
that you and I will ever, ever -
[Time skips. Leela is wearing a wedding dress and Fry is wearing
a tuxedo. They are in the Temple of Robotology.]
...Man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
[Fry grins and kisses her. The other Planet Express crew and
Tate throw confetti. Marv Albert is on a seat.]
[Time Lapse. The other Globetrotters and the remaining Supermen
are at the wedding too.]
He looks radiant!
[Time skips. Leela's bouquet is in Fry's mouth.]
Ye Gods, Bubblegum, we failed. The time
skips haven't stopped at all.
Even in these formal shorts, I feel
like a failure.
You tricked me into marrying you, didn't
Of course not.
How'd you do it? Drugs in the champagne?
No! Drugs are for losers and hypnosis
is for losers with big, weird eyebrows.
I don't know what amazing thing I did
you make you love me but, whatever it
was, we're married now. We've got the
rest of our lives to work -
[Time skips. Leela and Fry are standing before Judge Whitey in
Famous Original Ray's Superior Court.]
Divorce is final.
[He bangs his gavel.]
Well, let's divide up the china. I guess
I'll take the NFC helmets and you can
have the AFC helmets.
Fine. Break my heart again.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Fry sits at the conference table
and Amy, Hermes, Bender, Zoidberg and Tate are with him. Zoidberg
puts his claw on Fry.]
Don't be so hard on yourself, Fry. You
lost the woman of your dreams, but you
still have Zoidberg. You all still have
How did I do it? How did I get Leela
to love me? I've got to figure it out.
Maybe you're just a fantastic lover,
I don't know what I'm doing.
Maybe she'd come back to you if your
best friend Bender were a Globetrotter.
What do you say, Bubblegum?
[Bender groans and Fry sighs.]
Oh, it's hopeless. I did something so
great that it won Leela's heart and
I'll never, ever know what it was. My
life is empty.
[Planet Express: Attic. Farnsworth and Tate look over Tate's
No wonder we failed to stop the time
skips. Diverting Chronitons is mathematically
impossible. I knew I should have checked
your showboating Globetrotter algebra.
Man, I thought you knew that algebra
was all razzmatazz. A Globetrotter always
saves the good algebra for the final
The time skips are worse than ever now.
Isolated spots are jumping by years
at a time. Look.
[They look through the window.]
[Cut to: Outside Social Security Office. Two kids watch an old
man walk out.]
Stupid senior citizens. Why should we
have to pay for their social security
[Time skips and the kids turn into old men.]
I deserve free money!
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic.]
Well, I'm stumped. We'll have to call
in the finest scientific minds in the
[Time skips and the other Globetrotters appear behind them.]
Perhaps we could explode the whole damned
nebula. What do you think, Curly Joe?
No, man. An explosion big enough to
destroy that mama would take out half
You gotta Globetrotter that explosion
up a little, Farnsy. Make it an implosion.
By God, Sweet Clyde is right. An implosion
might just form a black hole that would
stop more Chronitons from escaping.
Whoa. Slow that brain train down, prof.
We'd need some kind of doomsday device
to initiate an implosion like that.
Doomsday device? Ah, now the ball's
in Farnsworth's court.I suppose I
could part with one and still be feared.
Give me some skin, prof. I'm making
you an honorary Globetrotter. In fact,
everybody in this room's an honorary
I'm a Globetrotter!
[Bender runs in.]
(gasping) Did you just say -
Too late, hot plate.
[Planet Express: Hangar. Two Globetrotters attach a doomsday
device to a mechanism and it rises into the ship's cargo bay.
The other Globetrotters shake hands with the Planet Express staff.]
We must leave now, for we are needed
elsewhere. But we wish you Godspeed.
[They leave, dribbling their balls. Bender stops Tate.]
Please, please let me come with you.
I can make myself taller.
[He stretches his legs.]
Bender, you can talk trash, you can
handle the ball. But look in your heart
and ask yourself: Are you funky enough
to be a Globetrotter? Are you?
I mean, with time, my funk level could
Deal with it.
[He leaves and Bender returns to his normal size and begins to
[The ship flies towards the nebula and Bender emerges from the
starboard torpedo tube holding the doomsday device. He is tethered
to the ship and wearing a jet pack. The tether jerks and Bender
lets go of the doomsday device.]
[He quickly grabs it again.]
Careful with that doomsday device,
What does it matter? I'll never be a
Globetrotter. My life, and, by extension,
everyone else's, is meaningless.
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. She turns the radio off.]
Leela, about the wedding. I don't know
what I did to make you love me, and
I don't think I tricked you into it,
but maybe I did. And if I did, I'm sorry.
It's OK, Fry. You know we'll always
be friends, right?
Yeah. But I don't guess anything I could
do will ever make you feel the same
way about me that I do about you.
I guess not.
[She takes his hand, kisses him on the cheek and walks away.
Bender walks in, dusting his hands.]
Well, the doomsday device is ready.
Maybe blasting this quadrant of space
into a hell storm of flaming nothingness
will cheer me up a little.
OK. Let me just take the ship out to
a safe distance.Actually, I think
I'll go down and prep the detonator.
Fry, why don't you take the helm?
[Fry smiles and sits in the chair. She leaves.]
She's so great. I feel like I can almost
remember the magical thing I did to
make her love me. But I guess I never
Sorry, buddy. I too know what it's like
to have a dream I'll never achieve.
[He walks out, slowly whistling the Globetrotter tune. Fry presses
some buttons and the ship flies away from the nebula. He glances
out of the window and sees something.]
Oh!That's how I must have done it!
I moved the stars themselves to write
her a love note in the sky.
Detonation in three, two, one.
(screaming) Nooo!Did you see it? Did
you see it?
No, not the explosion!
[Fry thinks for a moment and lowers his head.]
[Bender starts to whistle Sweet Georgia Brown again as Fry looks
back through the window at the black hole.]