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Ты когда-нибудь убивал человека носком? Это не так уж и сложно. (229)
ACV: Сгибающий на ветру | Bendin' in the WindАвтор сценария: Eric Horsted
Режиссёр: Ron Hughart
"BENDIN' IN THE WIND"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Federal Law Prohibits Changing The
[New New York City Street. Fry and Bender walk down a busy street
and Bender sings and dances.]
(singing) Froggy went a-courtin' and
he did ride, uh-huh, uh-huh
Well, Froggy went a-courtin' and he did ride
Blah blah blah, something, Bender is great!
Froggy went a-courtin' and Bender is great, uh-huh -
[A rumbling noise interrupts his singing. He and Fry look through
a gap in a fence and see Sal in a hover-digger digging a huge
hole at the NNYC Hole Project. Sall dumps a load down on the
ground. Amongst some rubble and mud is a bag of fat free potato
chips. Fry picks it up.]
Oh my God! They dug up a bag of olestra
chips from my time!There must be layers
and layers of old stuff down there.
[Sal dumps another scoop-ful and amongst the dirt is an entire
VW minivan. Fry gasps.]
What's that? One of those Led Zeppelins
I've heard so much about?
[Fry puts his hands on the VW.]
No, it's an old Volkswagen van.(shouting)
Hey, Mister? Mind if I take this old
(shouting) Sure. You wanna dump the
corpses out of theres, it's yourses.
Yeah yeah, I've gotten used cars before.
[Planet Express: Hangar. Fry grunts and groans as he pushes the
VW into the hangar. He is wearing the previous owner's bandana.
Bender sits inside and guzzles down a beer. The rest of the crew
What's that? One of those Jefferson
Starships I've heard so much about?
It's called a van, and in light of the
fact that it's not a-rockin', I invite
you to come a-knockin'!
[He slides open the door and the crew peer inside at all the
beads and beanbags and throws.]
It's a triumph of free-spirited German
Hey, the speedometer only goes up to
80. This thing can't go faster than
80,000 miles an hour?
No, it can't, but it's got a driver's-side
floor and an 8-track player with genuine
Where's the device that lets you speed
or slow the passage of time?
Under the seat.
[He pulls out a bong. Leela tries turning the key in the ignition
and the engine coughs and splutters.]
Why won't it start?
It just needs some gas.
[Farnsworth puts his hand on his shoulder.]
Wrong again, idiot. There is no gas.
Petroleum reserves ran dry in 2038.
Gas was an environmental disaster, anyway.
Now we use alternative fuels.
Whale oil.Bender, lift it up to the
Oh, no, I'm not going near it. Last
time, that magnetic psycho nearly cut
my head off.
Oh, right. Plus, the magnet screws up
your inhibition unit and makes you sing
What? Who said anything about me secretly
wanting to be a folk singer? How ridiculous.
[He glances around. Fry puts his hand on his shoulder.]
Bender, if you don't open that can right
now, your fear will own you, and nothing
that can opener could ever do could
be worse than that.
OK, OK, I can do this. It's time to
take life by the cans.
[He lifts the barrel and looks weakly at the others.]
You can do it.
Go on, you dummy.
[Bender walks towards the can opener and the magnet grabs him
and starts cutting into him. Sparks fly from him and he starts
(singing) Jimmy cracked corn and I don't
[He screams in pain.]
Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care...
[He screams again. The rest of the crew cringe and cover their
(singing) 'Cause the master's gone away.
It's toe-tapping-ly tragic.
[Cedars-Sinewave Robot Hospital. Bender lies on a bed and a doctor
checks him over. He has huge gashes across his chest.]
Doc, I can't move my arms and legs.
What's wrong with me?
[The doctor sighs.]
This is the worst part of the job.
What is it, good news?
Bender, your hydraulics are shot. You'll
never move again.
You mean -?
[The doctor turns to Farnsworth.]
I'm sorry, you'll have to get a new
[He leaves and Bender bursts into tears. The crew murmur to each
Oh, no, this is terrible.
Well, let's drag him to the kerb.
[He grabs Bender's arm and Zoidberg takes hold of his legs. Fry
Wait a minute, Bender is my best friend.
We can't just dump him in the gutter
like Grandma's ashes.
(crying) Oh, my life is over. I'll never
know happiness again.
[A horn honks and robot on wheels dressed like a clown rolls
Ho ho, hello there!
Look, Bender. It's Patch Cord Adams.
He heals with the power of laughter.
[He holds a robot-shaped balloon above Bender.]
PATCH CORD ADAMS
C'mon, take it. What's the matter, can't
move your arms?
Obviously not, or I'd be strangling
you right now.
PATCH CORD ADAMS
Hey, here's a giggle!Did you hear
why they're using Windows 3000 as a
PATCH CORD ADAMS
'Cause it always locks up.
[The others laugh weakly.]
For the love of God, somebody kick his
PATCH CORD ADAMS
Well, so long. Get well soon.Oh, well,
so long anyway.
[He rolls out and Bender groans.]
Oh, I'm doomed. Everybody leave me alone.
I don't wanna be seen this way.
[Everyone, except Fry, leaves.]
Aw, you look so sad. You want me to
send Patch Cord Adams back in?
[Bender bawls and Fry leaves. The sound of a harmonica stops
Hey, the blues. The tragic sound of
other people suffering. That's kind
of a pick-me-up.Wow, that was great.
Hey, thanks. You a fan?
I dunno. Let me see.Oh my God, you're
Beck! I'd get up to shake your hand
and steal your wallet but my crappy
body crapped out on me.
Don't take it so hard. I used to miss
my body too but then I fished this manequin
out of the 92c Store dumpster.
Wow. We've sure got a lot in common,
Beck. I always dreamed of being a musician-poet
who transcends genres even as he re-invents
them, just like you.
So do it, robot. It's easier than it
Eh, thanks, but it's hopeless. I'll
never be a musician now.
Or maybe you'll be the best musician
[He motions the doctor to him and whispers something to him.
He takes the harmonica holder out of Beck's jar and puts it around
What's this for?
Try and scrape it across your chest
like a knife on burnt toast.Come on,
move those arms. Use the power of mental
thinking. Make it dynamic.Yeah-ee!
Alright, congratulations my friend.
Why? 'Cause I can make annoying noises?
Exactly. I use those all the time in
my music. Bender, I want you to become
my new washboard player.
Alright!Go Bender! Go Bender! Go Bender!
[Outside Planet Express. The whole crew are gathered outside
the building by the side of the road. Fry, still wearing his
headband, wheels Bender out on a sack truck. He has a small green
suitcase with him. A large blue bus pulls up and honks its horn.]
Well, that's my good friend, Beck. I'm
of to rock a series of mid-level venues.
Kudos, Bender. You got mangled and now
you're a singer. Both our dreams came
[The bus honks again.]
Hey, I have an idea. Who wants to cram
in my van and follow Bender on tour
and live there, in the van?
[Behind them, the VW rumbles and backfires.]
Oh, I don't know, Fry. I think I'm too
poor to follow a band around in a van.
[The bus beeps again and Beck leans out of a window.]
(shouting) Come on, move it! We gotta
get to the concert and make the audience
wait for it at the start.
[Montage The tour bus passes under the Holland Tunnel with the
VW right behind it, causing a tailback. They drive from New New
York, through New New Jersey, Washington A.C., East West Virginia
to a little town called Squatter's Corner in West Virginia.]
[Velma Sue's Laundromat. Zoidberg, Amy, Leela and Fry do their
laundry. Zoidberg dumps the basket of washing on a table in front
of the others who sit around in their underwear.]
Bad news, friends. My shell ran.
[He holds up his clothes. They are a funky tie-dye pink.]
Zoidberg, you idiot, my outfit. It's,
Yeah, I like it.
Me too, now that I'm used to it.
Then it was all on purpose. You're lucky
to have Zoidberg as a friend. But cross
me, and I'll turn on you like that.
[He snaps his fingers and squeals at them.]
[Squatter's Corners Civic Audeetorium. Beck and the band play
their gig to some hicks in a barn. They perform Where It's At
from the album Odelay.]
(singing) There's a destination a little
up the road
From the habitations and the towns we know
A place we saw the lights turn low
The jigsaw jazz and the get-fresh glow
Pullin' out jives and jamboree handouts
Two turntables and a microphone
Bottles and cans just clap your hands just clap your hands.
(singing) Where it's at!
[Bender scrapes his chest.]
(electric voice) Got a washboard stomach
and a microphone.
[He scrapes his chest.]
That was a washboard break.
[The Planet Express foursome cheer.]
Yeah!One bowl of Jell-O knuckles,
That'll be three pick-e-tures of George
[Amy takes some money out of her pocket but it has turned to
Oh no, my beautiful money.
It got ruined in the wash.
[She and Fry take money out of their pockets.]
Mine too, even my change.
Get lost you money-less hippies!
[He holds up a picture of nine aliens.]
[Outside Squater's Corners Civic Audeetorium. After the concert,
the band's gear is packed away in the bus.]
Bender, that was the best 40-minute
washboard solo I've ever heard. And
the parts when I was awake blew my mind.
[Bender hears something and turns around and sees some broken
robots in some bins, rolling towards a building.]
Whoa, check out all those broken robots.
I don't believe my broken eyes, it's
Bender, the washboard player! Hey man,
we caught your concert from here.
Oh, oh, Bender! Sign my chest!
Yo, brother, thanks for showing us broken
robots are still useful.
Aw, hang in there, folks. I'll bet before
you know it, you guys'll be -That
is so wrong. They can't just melt down
broken robots. Not right when they're
kissing my ass.
Whoa, dog. Just cold chill.You know,
when I'm upset, I write a song about
it. Like when I wrote Devil's Haircut,
I was feeling really...what's that song
Hey, yeah, I could write a song! With
real words, not phony ones like "odelay".
"Odelay" is a word. Just look it up
in the Becktionary.
[He holds the Webster's Abridged Becktionary (From Bzooty to
[Beck's Bus. The bus drives down a desert road with the VW behind
it. Inside, Beck lies on a settee while Bender and writes.]
I'm working on my song. Hand me the
Becktionary.No, no, the rhyming Becktionary.
I wish I could help raise awareness
about broken robots. But what can I
do? I only weigh eight pounds.
Wait a minute, you know lots of rock
stars, and most of them like to look
as though they care about things!
We can all get together for a big benefit
concert in San Francisco!
And we could call it "Bend-Aid", after
And you can sing that song you're writing!
And I'll let you sing backup! But remember
who the star is. Me: Bender.
[Montage The bus passes through several more states as Bender
tries to come up with a song. He dabs his eyes with a tissue
as he reads the song. At another concert, Fry, Zoidberg, Amy
and Leela rummage through dustbins for food. Fry finds a hotdog
with mustard and flies and holds it up to the others. Zoidberg
cuts it up into four pieces and they eat it. They arrive in San
Francisco at dusk.]
[Sir Francis Drake Hotel. Bender sits on a bed in his hotel room,
writing his song.]
Alright. "Hands in the air" rhymes with
"Just don't care" and...finished!Eck!
Smells like something died in the wall!
[Fry, Leela, Zoidberg and Amy walk in.]
Mind if we crash here tonight? The colours
in the van are keeping us awake.
Alright, but hands off the minibar.
[He closes his chest cabinet which has the minibar in it. Fry
looks at the TV.]
Wow, I forgot about TV. Living free
on the road, you realise how much better
life is without it. Well, let's see
[He turns it. An advertisment comes on and shows a band playing
(voice-over; on TV) Tuesday, Golden
Gate Park, the monsters of vaguely folkish
alterna-rock will strum your brains
out at Bend-Aid! Featuring Beck, Wailing
Fungus and special guest, Bender!
(voice-over; on TV) A portion of the
proceeds might go to help broken robots.
Bender, you're famous!
[Bender wipes away a tear.]
This coming together of superstars really
means a lot to you, doesn't it, Bender?
(crying) Uh-huh. Helping my defective
brothers is the first thing I've ever
cared about, even the slightest bit.
You know, when I first got broken, I
thought my life was over. But look at
me now. I've got fame, money, groupies,
and it's all thanks to being completely
immobolised.That's why I'll be proud
to go up on stage, tomorrow, and say,
"Look at me, world, I am a broken robot!".
Bender, you can move! You're cured!
[Bender looks at himself in a mirror.]
Oh crap, it's a miracle.
I can move again. (crying) My music
career is over.
Bender, I don't claim to understand
"the biz" but wouldn't being able to
move help your music career?
(crying) No, don't you see? I was a
hero to broken robots 'cause I was one
of them. But how can I sing about being
damaged if I'm not? That's like Christina
Aguilera singing in Spanish.Wait,
that's it. I'll fake it!
[San Francisco Street. Fry drives the van down the winding streets,
with a cloud of exhaust following it.]
[Cut to: VW. Zoidberg coughs and hawks into a tissue.]
You'd better not do that at the concert.
I can't stop. When I eat too much dirt,
I get stuff in my throat.
[He hawks and spits into the tissue.]
You are so disgusting, I -
[She gasps. Zoidberg has spit up blue pearls. Leela takes a handful.]
Eww, you're touching them.
I've never seen pearls like this. Dr.
Zoidberg, you're amazing.
I am? At last! Recognition!
[He spits up some more into Amy and Leela's hands.]
[Golden Gate Park. Hundreds of hippies and broken robots have
turned out for Bend-Aid.]
Gentle-hippies, put your filthy hands
together for the folk stylings of Cylon
[A robot with a guitar and man who looks like Art Garfunkel walk
onto the stage.]
Here's a song that was beautiful when
it was performed by my ancestor, Art.
[He starts to sing Scarborough Fair.]
(singing) Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
[Cylon cuts in with a mechanical voice.]
CYLON AND GARFUNKEL
(singing) Parsley, sage, rosemary and
(singing) Remember me to one who loves
CYLON AND GARFUNKEL
(singing) She once was a true love of
[The VW pulls up behind the crowd and the crew get out. They
look around and the hippies sitting and lying on the grass.]
Well, let's earn some bread.
[Time Lapse. Amy puts a sign on the window that says "Genuine
Love Beads, $5.00". Fry and Leela are holding some of Zoidberg's
pearls that have been strung together.]
Brothers and sisters, get your love
beads. Can't journey to the centre of
your mind without love beads!
[Hippies gather around the van.]
Wow, look at these colours. These'll
go great with my soul.
Glad you like them. I've been making
fine jewellery for years, apparently.
I'll take three.
Give me one, man!
I'll trade you a bad poem!
And now, stand up and turn on your
hidden tape recorders for...Beck! With
special guest, Bender the broken robot.
[The stage curtain lifts and Bender and Beck are lowered from
the ceiling. Broken robots in the audience cheer and the band
plays Sexx Laws from the album Midnite Vultures.]
(shouting) Bender rules!
Groove on, man!
Rock it, Bender!
Play that thing!
[Bender and Beck hit the stage and liquid spills out of Beck's
(shouting) Can't you hear those cavalry
Hijacking your equilibrium...
(shouting) ...Midnight hags in the mausoleum...
[Time Lapse. Day has turned to dusk, the crowd has thinned and
the band is still playing the same song. Bender scrapes his chest
and the song ends. The crowd cheers.]
Thank you. That song doesn't usually
last three hours, but we got into a
serious thing...and then I forgot how
it ended. Anyway, one last item of business
before we go.
[Cylon and Garfunkel walk onto the stage with a big cheque.]
Bender, to start your foundation for
broken robots, here's a big cardboard
cheque for $14,000.
It's been an emotional day for me.
[They prop it up next to Bender, who starts to cry.]
(crying) I don't know what to say.
Then maybe you should sing it. Lay it
[The band starts to play Bender's song and the lights dim.]
Ladies, gentlemen, smoking heaps of
machinery......this is a song called
My Broken Friend.
[The crowd cheers.]
(singing) People say my broken friend is useless
But I say his mind is free
There's lots of things my mangled robot friend could be
(singing) He could make a good...
BENDER AND BECK
(singing) He only has to stand there
(singing) Or a cheap...
BENDER AND BECK
(singing) He doesn't need to move
(singing) Or a great big...
BENDER AND BECK
(singing) ...giant Thermos
(singing) With a twist-off top
(singing) That would be good for soup
(singing) He could be a storage closet...
BENDER AND BECK
(singing) ...For outdated pants
I like 'em tight!
(singing) My broken friend could do
BENDER AND BECK
(singing) ...Just give him a chance!
(singing) That robot has a tragic secret
That I'd like to share...
(singing) ...My broken friend is closer
Than an ass to a chair...
(singing) ...That robot's name I never
(singing) ...You could not foresee...
C'mon, give it up.
(singing) ...I'll say it loud and sing
BENDER AND BECK
(singing) His name is you and me.
[Bender starts dancing.]
(singing) Don't melt me down into a
(singing) It suffers alone
(singing) Just 'cause I can't move my
arms and legs
[The robots look around and Bender flails his arms and legs around.]
(singing) Or toss me into a trash can...
Bender, what are you doing?
(singing) ...Just 'cause I can't cook
you ham and eggs...
What are you doing?
(singing) ...Don't crush me into an
What's the dealy-o?
(singing) ...Just 'cause I can't jump
and dance and sing...
Hold it! What? No!
(singing) ...I'm telling you, my broken
(singing) ...Put your hands in the air
like you just don't care!
[Bender bounds off across the stage.]
(singing) I'm telling you, my broken
(singing) ...Can do 'most anything!
[He slides across the stage on his knees.]
[The crowds shouts and boos. Bender's harmonica holder falls
off. He looks at himself.]
Curse my natural showmanship!
(shouting) You big fat fraud! You're
not really broken!
(shouting) But you will be in a minute!
Bum-rush the stage!
[The broken robots crawl and hobble towards Bender. Bender backs
[Bender folds the cheque away into his chest cabinet, grabs a
rope and swings over the crowd, screaming like Tarzan. He flies
towards the VW.]
[Cut to: VW. He flies through sunroof, slams his head against
it and lands in the driver's seat. He shifts it into gear and
speeds off in a cloud of smoke. The others hang on.]
[Cut to: Golden Gate Park.]
Oh harsh, I didn't get my beads.
[Zoidberg coughs and beads rain down on the hippies. Beck watches
from the stage.]
You, minion, lift up my arm.After
[His bus pulls up and he gets on with Cylon and Garfunkel, the
heads of Neil Young and Joni Mitchell, and Wailing Fungus. The
bus ploughs through a crowd and a chase sequence lifted from
[San Francisco Street. The VW flies down the road, pursued by
[Cut to: VW. Bender looks in the rear-view mirror.]
Well everyone, prepare to get your guts
kicked out by folk singers.
[Cut to: San Francisco Street. The buses drive past a green VW
Beetle once, twice, three times, four times...]
[Cut to: Chinatown. A Chinese street parade is interrupted as
the buses drive past, blowing the Chinese dragon off a caterpillar-like
What is this? The Year of the Jerk?
[The VW rounds another corner, carving up another green Beetle.]
[Cut to: VW.]
Hurry, the Golden Gate Bridge. Put the
metal to the pedal to the other metal.
[Bender floors it. Beck's bus gets closer and bumps them. They
scream. The bus passes a sign that reads "Golden Gate Hoverbridge".]
Oh no, I forgot this is a hoverbridge.
And I forgot this isn't a hovercar.
Is any of that a problem?
Not if you've lived a life without regret.
[He screams. The VW flies off the edge of the road and plummets
to the ground below.]
I'll save me!
[He leans out of the window and grabs a cable.]
Quick, grab his footcups.
[They all grab Bender's feet.]
Hey? What? No.
[The VW lands softly on a rocky outcrop by the water. Bender
has pulled the wire and it is very tense.]
[They all let go of Bender and the tense wire launches him into
the air. The gang watch him fly off. Leela shrugs.]
[Fisherman's Worf. The fat guy from the Titanic and a thin woman
buy some food from Tarty McTang's and hear Bender screaming from
(shouting) Someone fat get in my way!
(talking) Ah, I'm broken again. I can't
move any part of me.
I'm really sorry I lied, Beck. All I
ever wanted was to make music with you.
I never meant to hurt anyone, or help
Bender, that's some played-out, new-jack,
horsecrap. But I know you don't mean
it so, apology accepted.
So, I can, uh, keep the cheque?
Over my dead career!
[He takes the cheque out of Bender's chest cabinet.]
Well, it was worth a shot.
[He gets up and the other three leave.]
[Time Lapse. The bus flies away and Bender sighs. The VW floats
past. Fry, Leela, Amy and Zoidberg are paddling up the river
in it. A seal sits on the roof.]
(shouting) C'mon, Bender. If you're
done scamming Beck, we're heading home.
Alright, alright. Let me just do one
thing to cheer myself up.
[He takes a magnet from Ye Olde Tourist Trappe and puts it on
his head. His pupils go wild and he starts to sing.]
Fry cracked corn
And I don't care
Leela cracked corn
I still don't care
Bender cracked corn
And he is great!
Take that you stupid corn!
[He wades out into the water to the VW.]