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Оригинальные сценарии:

ACV: Сумасшедший внутри суперкомпьютера | Insane in the Mainframe

Автор сценария: Bill Odenkirk
Режиссёр: Peter Avanzino
FUTURAMA

Episode 312

"INSANE IN THE MAINFRAME"

By

Bill Odenkirk

Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet




[Advertisement: Fry, Bender and Leela are in an oval.]


ANNOUNCER
(voice-over) Futurama is brought to
you by ...... Thompson's Teeth: The
only teeth strong enough to eat other
teeth.


[The man eats a spoonful of teeth from a bowl.]


[Opening Credits. Caption: Bender's Humor by Microsoft Joke.]



[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff are sat around the table.
Zoidberg is wearing a suit.]


FARNSWORTH
Good news, everyone! Today marks our
dear friend Dr. Zoidberg's 10th year
with Planet Express. Huzzahs are in
order.


[The crew react uninterestedly.]


FRY
(unenthusiastic) Huzzah!


LEELA
(unenthusiastic) Huzzah!


AMY
(unenthusiastic) Huzzah!


ZOIDBERG
Hooray for me! Hooray for Zoidberg!



HERMES
I will now read the mandatory speech.
(reading) Dear employee: Has it really
been five, 10 or 15 years? If not, please
disregard this and get back to work.
Distribute token of appreciation and
applaud.


[He gives Zoidberg an envelope and claps. Zoidberg opens it and
takes out two coupons.]


ZOIDBERG
Look! Coupons! I can get two oil changes
for the price of one! Now if I could
only afford the one ... and the car.
Ah, the years! So many memories, so
many strange fluids gushing out of patients'
bodies--


HERMES
Yes, yes. Now here's your pension statement.
It's empty because you haven't paid
into it, you dumb stinkbug!


[Zoidberg wipes away a tear.]


ZOIDBERG
You kept track of it all these years!



[He hugs Hermes. Fry smacks his head.]


FRY
Oh, no, I'm boned! I haven't paid into
the pension either. What'll I do when
I retire?


BENDER
I thought you were retired.


FRY
Hey, I don't see you planning for your
old age.


BENDER
I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off
switch to "off".


FRY
Well I'm gonna take action. It's time
to check on my retirement fund.Damn!
Still only $100.


FRANKLIN
(on bill) A penny saved is a penny earned.
Also, could you get some athlete's foot
cream for my face?


FRY
He's right! I've gotta start investing
wisely.


[Outside 7^11. Fry and Bender sit on the kerb. Bender drinks
beer.]


FRY
Well, I'm down to my last lottery ticket.
Cherry.Cherry!Mule. Crud!


BENDER
So, you got six bucks left to retire
on. I recommend Tender Vittles.


[Big Apple Bank.]


TELLER
You're opening a retirement account
for $6? I'm sure a wealthy ......
mule farmer like yourself is aware that
we charge a $10 monthly fee.


FRY
(shrugging) You gotta spend money to
make money.


[The teller presses some buttons.]


TELLER
Here you are, sir. Your account is now
overdrawn by $4.


[An orange robot in the queue behind Bender becomes impatient
and nudges Bender.]


ROBOT
Gee, I've seen lines move faster in
a sperm bank.


BENDER
That's for sure--Roberto! Is that
you?


ROBERTO
Bender! Hey, man!


[He punches Bender's body a few times and then in the head which
makes it spin. Bender stops it from spinning and laughs.]


BENDER
You old lunatic! How you been?


ROBERTO
Not bad, not bad.Everybody on the
floor! This is a stick-up!


[The customers scream and do as he says. Fry screams and hides
behind a plant. Bender seems oblivious.]


BENDER
Yeah, I'm doing OK too.I'm taking
a Chinese cooking class at the Learning
Annex.


ROBERTO
Cool. Ca-Can you give me a hand here?



BENDER
Sure thing, pal.


[He picks up the bag. Fry moves behind the plant.]


ROBERTO
Hey, you! Red!Quit watering that plant
and get the door!


[Fry runs for the door and kicks a woman on the way.]


BENDER
Well, nice talking to you.


ROBERTO
Same here.You guys are alright! Here's
something for your trouble.


[He gives then a bag each and leaves.]


[Cut to: Outside Big Apple Bank. Roberto runs off down the street.]



BENDER
Hey, thanks, buddy!


[Police cars pull up around the door and Smitty and URL jump
on Fry and Bender.]


[Cut to: Big Apple Bank.]


SMITTY
Freeze, punks! You're under arrest!



NIXON
(on $1000 bill) Shoot them in the back!
Quick! While they're not looking!



[Famous Original Ray's Superior Court. Fry and Bender are represented
by the Hyper-Chicken lawyer. Bender is wearing a tie and jacket.]



BAILLIF
Court is in session. The Honourable
Judge Whitey presiding.


WHITEY
The charge is bank robbery. Now, my
caddie chauffeur informs me that a bank
is a place where people put money that
isn't properly invested. Therefore,
robbing a bank is tantamount to that
most heinous of crimes: Theft of money!



[He bangs his gavel.]


[Time Lapse. The surveillance camera is in the witness box.]



HYPER-CHICKEN
As the surveillance camera for the bank
what all the judge was a-jawing about,
could ya'll tell us what you done seen
the day of the crime?


CAMERA
Well, let's see. My memory's a little
fuzzy, but it went exactly like this:



[It projects a black and white picture of Fry and Bender taking
the money from Roberto. The court gasps.]


HYPER-CHICKEN
Your Honour, I move that I be disbarred
for introducing this evidence against
my own clients.


[Time Lapse. Fry is in the witness box.]


HYPER-CHICKEN
Mr. Fry, do you recognise the robot
a-huggin' on you in this here hologram?



FRY
I sure do! That's the real robber and
I'll never forget his name as long as
I live. And that name is--


[The projection goes off and Fry gasps. He sees a badly-disguised
Roberto at the back of the court. He waves his knife at Fry.
Fry chokes.]


LEELA
(shouting) Fry! Just give a name. You
don't wanna look stupid on Court TV!



FRY
You're right. You're right. It was--



[A mobile phone playing Mozart's Eine Kleine Nacht Musik as a
ringtone goes off. It is Judge Whitey's.]


WHITEY
Yes? What? You say if I testify I'll
be killed? Oh. It's for you.


[He holds it out to Fry. Fry takes it.]


ROBERTO
...and the other hamburger will...



[Roberto is sat among other people who don't seem to notice he
is talking on his phone.]


ROBERTO
...also be made of your lungs. So long,
pal.


[He hangs up. Fry gulps and leans into the mic.]


FRY
I refuse to testify on the grounds that
my organs will be chopped up into a
patté.


WHITEY
Ah, the 67th Amendment.


[The Hyper-Chicken leans into Bender.]


HYPER-CHICKEN
I may be a simple country Hyper-Chicken
but I know when we're finger-licked.
Whattya say we plead insanity?


BENDER
A few months in an insane asylum? I
could do that standing on my head.



HYPER-CHICKEN
If you start now, it might help our
case.


[Time Lapse. The Hyper-Chicken pecks and scratches at the floor.]



WHITEY
Counselor, what evidence do you offer
to support this new plea of insanity?



HYPER-CHICKEN
Well, for one, they done hired me to
represent them.


[Whitey bangs his gavel.]


WHITEY
Insanity plea is accepted. Mr. Bender,
I hereby commit you to the asylum for
criminally insane robots until such
time as you are deemed cured.


BENDER
Yahoo! The system fails again!


WHITEY
And, Mr. Fry, I sentence you to the
home for criminally insane humans.



BAILIFF
Your Honour, that facility has been
full ever since you ruled that being
poor is a mental illness.


WHITEY
Order! Order! The only poor people
I want to hear about are the people
who tend to my pores at the spa. Just
send them both to the robot loony bin
and let's go.


[Two men wrap Fry and Bender in bubblewrap and one stamps "Defective
Electronics" on Fry's forehead. They are put into a cardboard
box and it is taped up. The men then "roll" the box out of the
room by tipping it onto each side.]


FRY
(from box) Ow! My head! Ow! My feet!
Ow! My head! Ow! My feet!


FARNSWORTH
Keep your chin up!


FRY
(from box) Ow! My chin!


[Hal Institute For Criminally Insane Robots. Fry, Bender and
other robots move through a room along a conveyor belt. Fry taps
Bender on the shoulder.]


FRY
I don't belong here, Bender. This is
an asylum for insane robots!


BENDER
Well, you meet half the qualifications.



[He laughs. The robots move through a door with a sign saying
"Physical Exam" over the doorway.]


FRY
Oh, good, a physical! Once they examine
my fragile, naked, pink body, they'll
see I'm not a--


[A chute sucks his clothes clean off his body leaving him with
nothing but his naked pink skin. He moves along the belt, through
the door and screams.]


[Montage: In another room, Bender is picked up by a magnet and
taken through the ceiling somewhere. The magnet tries to pick
up Fry but just prods him. Fry screams. Later, a drill bit drills
through Bender's head as he hums. Fry is next and screams when
he sees the drill. The drill goes into his mouth and rotates
inside. Next is a gamma ray scan. Bender passes through and we
see a bat flying around in his chest cabinet. Fry gets one next.
His stomach acid starts to boil.]


FRY
What the--?


[He burps.]


BENDER
(shouting) I find that offensive!


[Hal Institute: Dr. Perceptron's Office. Dr. Perceptron, a doctor
of Freudian Circuit Analysis has what looks like a cheap plasma
ball for a head and a casing that looks like a white coat. He
speaks in a robotic voice. Fry falls through a hatch in the ceiling
and lands in the floor. He hauls himself up.]


DR. PERCEPTRON
Greetings. I am Dr. Perceptron. Let
me give you something to help you relax.



[He presses a button and Fry gets an electric shock.]


FRY
Look! There's been a terrible mistake.
I'm a human being. See?I'm all squishy
and flabby. Also, I complain a lot.



DR. PERCEPTRON
Yes, you do. You need to relax more.
Terrific. Now, consider the following:
You were admitted to this robot asylum.
Therefore, you must be a robot. Diagnosis
complete.


[The plasma in his head goes off. Fry grabs his arms.]


FRY
I do other human stuff! I age! See?



[He indicates his face. The door opens and a robot nurse comes
in.]


NURSE RATCHET
I'm Nurse Ratchet. Please come with
me, won't you?


[A panel in her chest opens and a straight jacket on an arm comes
out and wraps itself around Fry. She retracts it by using her
arm as a winch.]


[Hal Institute Corridor. Nurse Ratchet is holding Fry against
her in his straight jacket. They move past other cells.]


NURSE RATCHET
We'll meet your roommate next, shall
we? His name is Malfunctioning Eddie.



FRY
The car dealer? Wow! I guess his prices
really were insane.


NURSE RATCHET
He's very excitable.So don't say anything
to excite him.


[Fry steps in.]


[Cut to: Hal Institute Cell. The door closes. The cell is a tiny
space, the right size for a robot. Malfunctioning Eddie is standing
with a cigarette, shaking a little. He holds out his hand.]



MALFUNCTIONING EDDIE
Pleased to meet you.


FRY
Actually, we've met once before.


MALFUNCTIONING EDDIE
What?


[He explodes.]


[Hal Institute Day Room. Bender passes a group of robots playing
cards, a sign that says "You Don't Have to Be Crazy to Mutter
to Yourself Here But it Helps", a robot caressing a column and
various others.]


HAIRBOT
I'm a pretty girl. I'm a pretty girl.
I'm a pretty girl.


[Bender sits with Fry.]


BENDER
Whoa! Someone had a busy day.


FRY
My roommate exploded. Oh, you gotta
help me, Bender. How can I prove I'm
human?


BENDER
You could drop dead. That'd show 'em.



FRY
I don't wanna!


UNIT 2013
Hey, man. I believe you're a human.



FRY
You do?


UNIT 2013
Sure. They don't believe I'm a human
either. Name's Unit 2013. C'mon. Lemme
introduce you around.Fry, meet Norm.
How's it going, pal? Still picking up
transmissions from the CIA on your teeth?



NORM
They just won't stop!


[He opens his mouth and his teeth have little revolving satellite
dishes on them.]


WOMAN
The CIA cafeteria menu for the week
of May 15th is as follows: Monday, shepherd's
pie. Tu--


UNIT 2013
Cuckoo!


[They look at an Abraham Lincoln robot in the corner.]


FRY
Let me guess: He thinks he's Lincoln?



UNIT 2013
Well, he's supposed to. Problem is he's
got multiple personalities; all of them
Lincoln.


[The robot stands up.]


LINCOLNBOT
I was born in 200 log cabins.


[Hal Institue Cafeteria. Fry and Unit 2013 queue for dinner.]



UNIT 2013
And this here is Frankie. He's convinced
he's a lunchroom worker, so they put
him to work in the lunchroom. (patronising)
How is work in the lunchroom, Frankie?



FRANKIE
It's alright.


UNIT 2013
Poor Frankie!


[Frankie ladels some oil onto Fry's tray. Fry then sits at a
table with a Pay 'n' Chew vending machine, the Lincolnbot, Bender,
Unit 2013 and some other robots.]


MAD HATTERBOT
Change places!


[The robots move around the table. They knock into Fry and he
spills his oil on his gown.]


FRY
Bender, I can't take much more of this!
I want outta here!


BENDER
Are you crazy? This place is great!
Electroshock whenever you want it, two
Lincolns for every Napoleon.Ah! Sweet
light crude!


[He takes some money sticking out from the vending machine pay
slot and wipes his mouth with it.]


FRY
But I'm not a robot like you. I don't
like having discs crammed into me. Unless
they're Oreos - and then only in the
mouth! Don't you understand? I'm gonna
die here!


BENDER
Ah, quit your bellyaching and take it
like a robot.


[Fry growls.]


MAD HATTERBOT
Change places!


[The robots move again and Fry spills more oil.]


[Hal Institute Visitors' Room. A banner advertises "Gibberish
Translators Available". Victor sits with Malfunctioning Eddie.]



VICTOR
The doctor says you are making great
strides with your exploding problem.



MALFUNCTIONING EDDIE
Well the way I see it=--


[He explodes and Victor falls back on his chair. At another table
are Fry, Bender, Leela, Farnsworth, Amy and Hermes. Fry has his
arms wrapped around his legs and has very pale skin. Bender is
wearing a Napoleon hat and has one of his arms inside his door.
One of Malfunctioning Eddie's arms lands in the middle of the
table.]


FRY
You gotta get me out of here. I would
have starved to death if not for that
sick vending machine robot.Gimmie!
Gimmie!


[He dives for it and eats it, wrapper and all.]


HERMES
Poor Fry! He's got the munchies for
freedom!


LEELA
We're all trying to help you. We've
petitioned the governor but he doesn't
want to appear soft on people who've
been falsely imprisoned.


FRY
At least I have friends on the outside.
Bender's been no help at all.


BENDER
Je suis Napoleon!No, seriously, I'm
not.


AMY
Bender! You should be more ashamed of
yourself than usual.


BENDER
Ah, lighten up, honey. I'm just trying
to get through a difficult time using
humour.


[Nurse Ratchet wheels past.]


NURSE RATCHET
Visiting hours are over. Time for our
medication disks.


[The Planet Express staff get up to leave. Fry grabs Farnsworth.]



FRY
(shouting) Help me! For God's sake,
help me!


FARNSWORTH
Oh, don't worry, Fry. I too once spent
a nightmare-ish time in a robot asylum.
But now it's nearly over. So long.



[He leaves.]


[Hal Institute Cell. It is night and Fry and Malfunctioning Eddie
are sleeping. Fry mutters in his sleep.]


FRY
(sleep-talking) Thirty days hath September,
April, June and ... wonder ... is that
peanut butter ... what am I gonna do?
(talking) Oh, God! What? What? What
is it now?


[The door opens. Nurse Ratchet and Dr. Perceptron are outside.]



DR. PERCEPTRON
You are being released.


FRY
Finally! Sweet justice! Sweet, juicy
justice!


DR. PERCEPTRON
Not you. Him.


[He points at Malfunctioning Eddie.]


MALFUNCTIONING EDDIE
Me? What a surprise.Look!


[Cut to: Hal Institute Corridor. Eddie rolls out of the cell.]



MALFUNCTIONING EDDIE
I barely exploded at all.


[He and Perceptron roll away.]


DR. PERCEPTRON
We can control that with medication.



NURSE RATCHET
Fry? Are we ready to meet our new roommate?



[A porter pushes a metal box to the cell doorway.]


[Cut to: Hal Institute Cell. The door of the box opens revealing
Roberto. Fry gasps.]


ROBERTO
Hi, Red!


FRY
Roberto! W-W-W-What are you doing here?



[Roberto steps out and holds up his knife.]


ROBERTO
I got busted robbing that bank again.



FRY
Why would you hold up the same bank
twice?


ROBERTO
Ah, that first time was just to case
the joint and rob it a little.What's
the matter? You scared?


FRY
N--, n--, n--


ROBERTO
Noticeably? I'll say! Now stand back,
I gotta practice my stabbing.


[He stabs at the air and makes nutcase noises. Fry ducks and
dodges the knife.]


FRY
No! Please! Help! Stop it! Please!



[Bender bangs from the next cell.]


BENDER
(shouting; from cell) Hey! Keep it down
in there! I'm tuning my banjo!


[He tunes it and Fry keeps dodging the knife.]


ROBERTO
Jeez, Red. Quit cowering. You call yourself
a robot?


[He stabs some more.]


FRY
I'm not a robot! (shouting) I'm not
a robot!


[He screams.]


[Hal Institute: Dr. Perceptron's Office. The other Planet Express
staff are there.]


DR. PERCEPTRON
In answer to your question, Hermes,
yes, your friend is cured.


HERMES
Oh!


FARNSWORTH
What a relief!


LEELA
Thank God!


[The door opens and Fry walks in with an emotionless look on
his face.]


DR. PERCEPTRON
You'll notice he no longer suffers delusions
of humanity.


FRY
(mechanical voice) Affirmative. I feel
nothing. I am a robot. Beep, beep, beep
...


[The Planet Express staff gasp.]


LEELA
You've made a terrible mistake. He's
a human being, not a machine. Oh, Fry!



[She holds Fry to her chest and he "beeps" faster. Nurse Ratchet
pushes Bender in a wheelchair past the door. He sings and plays
the banjo.]


BENDER
(singing) Gonna sing a little tale about
a battle called Waterloo. (talking)
Bonjour, y'all!


[Planet Express: Zoidberg's Office. Fry is sat on the examination
table and the other staff stand around.]


ZOIDBERG
Listen to me, Fry. Just because you
think you're a robot, doesn't make you
a robot. After all, I think I'm a doctor
but that doesn't make me a doctor. These
fancy clothes do!


FRY
(mechanical voice) Negative. I must
be a robot. Why else would human women
refuse to date me?


[Leela strokes his hair.]


LEELA
Oh, lots of reasons.


FRY
(mechanical voice) Bio-units, terminate
noise exchange. It is time for you to
ingest sandwiches from my compartment.



[He unzips his trousers, takes out two sandwiches and offers
them to the others. They back away.]


[Hal Institute Day Room. Bender tunes Norm's teeth with a screwdriver.]



BENDER
Here we go. Just a minute. Aha!


COMMENTATOR
And down the stretch, it's Daddy's
Little Grandpa, followed by Perennial
Loser, and bringing up the rear, it's
Lasty!


BENDER
Come on, Lasty!


ROBERTO
Hey, Bender.


[He is pushing a hover-bed. Bender turns around and fakes surprise.]



BENDER
Roberto! Ooh, what a surprise to see
you in here! Especially 'cause I didn't
squeal on you, remember? Remember all
that squealing I didn't do? Remember?
Do ya?


ROBERTO
Yeah, yeah. Now lie down and play dead.
And don't ham it up!


BENDER
Uh, sure.Anything for you, buddy.



[Enter Dr. Perceptron.]


ROBERTO
Wait here, Bender. I need to get a disguise.



[From offscreen come the sounds of Roberto beating up Perceptron
and making the nutcase noise. He comes back to the hover-bed
wearing Perceptron's body casing and head ball. He starts pushing
the bed through walls. Bender opens one side of his visor.]



BENDER
Uh, what's with the get-up?


ROBERTO
I'm in disguise 'cause I'm thinking
of escaping. You in? Or do I gotta kill
ya so you don't squeal?


BENDER
I'm in! I'm in!So when were you planning
the breakout?


ROBERTO
I'm thinking maybe a few seconds ago.



[Bender looks up and sees they are a few hundred yards from the
institute in amongst several trees. A siren goes off and Bender
jumps off the bed.]


BENDER
Quick! Let's keep escaping!


[They run off into the woods.]


[Cut to: Outside Hal Institute. Tracker dogs sniff some nuts
and bolts and run off after Bender and Roberto with two men following.]



[Cut to: Woods. Bender and Roberto come to a ravine. There is
a small boat tied to the side. They jump and go straight through
it and into the river.]


[Time Lapse. Clear of the woods, they run into a barn. Seconds
later they crash through the back and take off in a biplane.
The biplane does an inside loop and crashes through the barn
doors. Roberto and Bender carry on on foot.]


[Planet Express: Hermes' Office.]


HERMES
Times two, carry the one ...


[He presses a "carry the one" button on his calculator and looks
up to see Fry standing beside him.]


FRY
Oh, you sad, worthless human.


[He picks up the calculator and throws it into a conveniently-located
incinerator.]


HERMES
What are ya--? Sacred hog of Prague!
That was my anniversary gift to LaBarbara!



FRY
Fear not! For I shall assist ye!


HERMES
Robots don't say "ye"!


FRY
Relax, mammal. My robotic software shall
meet your calculatory needs.What is
the meaning of this symbol?


HERMES
That's a plus sign, you pointy-haired
loony! Quit thinking you're a robot!



[Fry narrows his eyes.]


FRY
I'll show ye!


[Planet Express: Hangar. Farnsworth, Amy and Leela work on the
ship. Leela tries to unscrew a nut on the side of the steps.
She grunts and squirts some pi-in-1 oil onto it. Fry takes the
spanner from her and throws it into another incinerator.]


FRY
Stand back. I'm a tool-bot.


[He tries to unscrew the nut with his hands. He takes the oil
from Leela, squirts some onto his arms and puts it in his inside
pocket. He tries the nut again.]


LEELA
You're not a tool-bot. You're not a
food-motron. You're not a robot of any
kind.


FRY
Yes, I am. I simply haven't discovered
my primary function yet.


LEELA
OK, this has gotta stop. I'm going to
remind Fry of his humanity the way only
a woman can.


FARNSWORTH
You're going to do his laundry?


[Amy slaps him.]


LEELA
(sexfully) Fry, this is for you.


[She kisses him. Fry smiles and Leela smiles back, thinking she's
cured him.]


FRY
Beep.


LEELA
Oh, for God's sake!


[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry sits on the couch and finishes another
bottle of beer. He throws it down on the floor at Zoidberg's
feet.]


ZOIDBERG
By a scallop's forelocks! What's with
all the beer, Fry?


FRY
(drunk) Alcohol fuels my power cells.
And as a mighty robot, I--Beep.



[He starts to snore.]


[New New York City Street.]


ROBERTO
Thanks for helping me escape, Bender.



BENDER
Oh, it was nothing.


ROBERTO
(shouting) It was not nothing! (talking)
I wanna repay you. Let me get you something
in here.


[He drags Bender into the Big Apple Bank.]


[Cut to: Big Apple Bank.]


ROBERTO
(shouting) Hands up! This is a stick-up
again!


BENDER
Wow! Hitting the same place three times?
I admire your style, Roberto.


[Roberto walks to the teller.]


ROBERTO
Gimmie the remaining dough. And the
calendars ... and that pen. Try to tear
it so most of the beads are on my end!



[The teller ducks and URL and Smitty stand up behind her with
their lasers armed.]


URL
Police! You're busted!


SMITTY
And don't try anything. This glass here
is laser-proof.Fire lasers!Duck!
Lasers!


[Roberto pulls the glass clean off the mount and with his arm
still poking through he grabs the money.]


BENDER
Come on! I got a place where I like
to hide after crimes.


[They run out. URL and Smitty fire at them again and Roberto
uses the glass as a sheild until they are out of the door.]



[Planet Express: Lounge. The staff watch Fry sleeping on the
overturned couch.]


AMY
Aw! He looks like a little insane drunken
angel.


[Enter Bender and Roberto.]


BENDER
(panting) Hey, everybody. Meet my good
pal, Roberto.


HERMES
Hey, mon.


ROBERTO
Nice to meet you.


SMITTY
(on megaphone; from outside) Come out
with your hands up.


ROBERTO
(shouting) Hostages!


[Outside Planet Express. Police cars surround the building. Roberto
stands at the window with his knife at Zoidberg's neck.]


ROBERTO
Back off! I got hostages!


ZOIDBERG
Hooray! I'm helping!


SMITTY
(on megaphone) Do you have any better
hostages?


[The megaphone is built into URL.]


[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Roberto turns around.]


ROBERTO
To show them who's crazy, I'm gonna
execute some of you. How 'bout you?



[He nicks Farnsworth's neck.]


FARNSWORTH
Ouch! That's going to bleed when my
heart beats.


LEELA
Wait! Take me first!


BENDER
Yes! Take her first.


ROBERTO
Shut up! Stop telling me how to do this!



[Time Lapse. More police cars have arrived outside. Roberto has
everyone except Fry tied up in the middle of the room. They mutter
in fright.]


ZOIDBERG
Oh, the fear!


[Roberto kneels next to Bender.]


ROBERTO
I'm thinking of a number between one
and ten. Guess it and you die first.
Go!


BENDER
Um ... OK. Fixty ... six ... ish?


ROBERTO
56? 56? Oh, man! Now that's all I can
think about! I'm gonna kill you, you
... no good ... 56-ing--


[Bender squeals. Roberto jabs at his with the knife and Bender
extends his head on a cable, dodging the knife.]


BENDER
Don't kill me yet! I'm starting to come
down with Stockholm syndrome ... handsome!



FRY
Halt, fellow robot!


[He stands up from behind the couch.]


ROBERTO
Hey, Red. You're just in time to join
the hostage situation. Which side you
wanna be on?


FRY
The side that kicks your twisted, metal
ass!


LEELA
Fry! Stay back. He's too powerful.



FRY
Negative, bossy meat creature. I know
now what my primary function is: I am
a battle-droid. Sworn to protect the
weak from crazy robots.


ROBERTO
I'm not crazy! Don't call me crazy!
I'm just not user-friendly!


HERMES
Fry! Don't be a hero! It's not covered
by the health plan!


ROBERTO
Let's see how much of a robot you really
are!


[He runs at Fry and stabs him in the chest. Everyone gasps. Fry
doesn't react. Roberto pulls the knife out and doesn't see the
tin of oil that is still in Fry's pocket. The oil starts to leak
through his jacket.]


FRY
No knife can penetrate my skin-tanium
armour.


[He starts walking towards Roberto, spinning his arms and making
a mechanical noise. Roberto backs away.]


ROBERTO
Help! Help! He is a battle-droid! Somebody
help me! Mommy! I'm sorry I spilled
the transmission fluid, Mommy! No! No!
Don't weld me to the wall, Mommy!



[He throws the knife at Fry and it slices open his arm. Fry doesn't
notice and keeps walking towards him. He screams and jumps through
the window.]


[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Roberto falls and lands in the
road. His left eye and right arm are broken. He whimpers and
collapses.]


SMITTY
(on megaphone) We're willing to listen
to your demands.


[He starts to put the receiver back into URL's body.]


URL
Hey, baby. Wash that off before you
put it back.


[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge.]


HERMES
Who's brave now?


AMY
Hooray!


ZOIDBERG
Bravo!


[Fry starts to untie them.]


LEELA
You did it, Fry.


BENDER
Congratulations, buddy. You're a credit
to my race.


FRY
(mechanical voice) It was nothing. I--
(normal) Blood? Robots don't have blood.
I must be a, a--


ZOIDBERG
A squid?


FRY
A human! Oh, my God! I'm a human!


ZOIDBERG
Also good.


[Time Lapse. The police cars clear away. Zoidberg cuts a bandage
that he has wrapped around Fry's wound.]


LEELA
Thanks for saving us, Fry.


[She kisses him on the cheek.]


FRY
I'm gonna continue never washing this
cheek again.


BENDER
Buddy, you may be wrapped in greasy
skin, but inside, you've got the heart
of a robot.


FRY
Aw. Thanks, Bender.


BENDER
Just like inside me, I've got the heart
of a human.What?


THE END


BENDER
(over credits) What?


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