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Я считаю себя доктором, но это не делает меня доктором! Меня делает им эта прекрасная одежда! (54)
ACV: Женщины Амазонии в настронии | Amazon Women in the MoodАвтор сценария: Lewis Morton
Режиссёр: Brian Sheesley
"AMAZON WOMEN IN THE MOOD"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Secreted by the Comedy Bee.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The staff are sat around the table
for Hermes' morning meeting. Nibbler licks himself in the middle
of the table.]
People, we got a problem: Little Nibbler's
been coughing up hairballs.
Well, so has Fry. What's the big deal?
[Nibbler coughs up a huge one. In amongst the green gloop is
a white cane. Fry makes an impressed whistle.]
He's got me beat!
Now well all love Nibbler, so it's only
fair that we all pitch in and clean
it up together. Still, I propose we
make Zoidberg do it. All in favour?
[Everyone except Zoidberg raises their hands.]
All opposed?All abstaining?
[Again no one votes. Leela taps Zoidberg on the shoulder.]
Dr. Zoidberg? Are you OK?
[He keels over and rests on Fry's shoulder. Fry looks at him.]
He always seemed so full of life. Laughing,
singing, begging for scraps. And now
[He takes off his glasses and cries. The door opens and Zoidberg
walks in wearing a towel. But his body is white-pink and is wobbling
around like lobster jelly.]
Why with all the crying?So that's
where I left my shell.
[He wobbles over to the table. Leela picks up the shell.]
I didn't know you could take this thing
It was starting to get a little cramped
in there so I molted, why not? Ah, the
fresh air feels good!
[He wobbles around.]
Stop doing that!
[Zoidberg tucks his shell under his arm.]
So long. I'm off to toss this old shell
in the dumpster and maybe pick up those
potato chips Amy didn't finish yesterday.
Those were toenail clippings.
A feast is a feast.
[He turns around and leaves. His shell has a huge hole down the
back of it. As he walks out his towel falls off. The sound of
a phone ringing comes from the lounge.]
Hey, that's my cellphone!
[She runs off.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Lounge. Amy runs in and picks her tiny
cellphone up off the huge CellMate. She answers.]
Hello?Hello? Who is this?Hello?
[They hang up and she curses. Leela walks in.]
What's wrong? Did you swallow your phone
[She sits down.]
Some guy's been calling and hanging
up 10 times a day for a year.
Men who call too much are the worst
... I bet.
I just wish a decent guy would call
me instead of this spleeze-ball who
has me too terrified to even answer
[The same heavy breathing comes from the other end again.]
[Kif's Quarters. On the Nimbus, Kif sits on his bed holding the
phone and trembling. He tries to say something but just gasps
Hello? Is anyone there?
[Kif hangs up.]
I love you.Why must I be such a coward?
[He cries. Enter Zapp.]
Kif, I'm headed to the men's room and
I'll be needing an attendant so-- Oh,
I'm sorry. You're crying like a woman.
It's alright. I've always thought myself
as a father figure to some of my more
pathetic men. Kif, old friend, let's
[He sits on Kif's bed. Kif sighs.]
Well, I'm in love with this girl--
[Zapp bursts out laughing and pats Kif on the back.]
(laughing) Oh, that's rich! (talking)
I met her a year ago...
[Flashback. The Titanic escape pod flies away from the doomed
(voice-over) ...when we were escaping
from that cruise ship you piloted directly
into a black hole.
[Amy and Kif watch from the escape pod as the Titanic is sucked
into the black hole.]
(voice-over; proud) Yes! It was in all
[Back on Earth the escape pod has landed outside the Planet Express
building. Bender dumps the Countess De La Roca's fake bracelet
in a bin and walks into the building with the other staff. Amy
kisses Kif and gives him her number.]
[Kif takes the paper and she goes inside. He trembles and gasps
and breathes heavily some more.]
[Flashback ends. Zapp goes along with the story.]
Uh-huh, uh-huh. Mm-hmm, uh-huh.
I've finished talking, sir.
[Zapp sees something on Kif's wall.]
Belay that remark!Your Amy knows my
Leela? I have formed an idea!
[Nimbus Bridge. Leela is on the viewscreen, Zapp is in his chair
and Kif hides behind it. Amy walks in behind Leela.]
I'm calling to negotiate a double date.
You and me, Kif and Amy.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. She turns away from the
Then let the negotiations begin. I
propose we go out on 10 dates.
How about zero?
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room.]
[Amy leans down at Leela's side.]
(whispering) Please, Leela? Kif's like
the sweetest guy who's ever liked me.
Five, and that's my final offer ...
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]
I'll take it.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room.]
We'll meet you tonight for part of
dinner and the first half of a movie.
[He hangs up and Amy grins.]
[Le Palm D'Orbit Coat Check. Le Palm D'Orbit is a restaurant
orbiting a big, green planet. The main part of the restaurant
looks like the Encounter Restaurant at Los Angeles airport. A
centipede-like alien leaves his coat at the coat check which
charges a 25 cent surcharge for every sleeve over nine. Zapp
walks in wearing his formal off-white DOOP uniform. Kif wears
a tie and jacket over his regular velour uniform and carries
some flowers and a box of chocolates.]
Um, sir? I don't go out on many dates
and, um, what if I can't think of anything
Here's my personal book of pickup lines.
Say as many of them as you can as fast
as you can. Don't stop for any reason.
Maybe I'll just give her these flowers.
[Zapp takes them and hits Kif with them.]
Wrong, wrong, wrong! And what's that?
Candy? Candy's for dorks! Give me that.
[Le Palm D'Orbit. The restaurant pilot is also the maitre d'.
He takes his hands off the wheel to hand some people a menu.
Amy and Leela are already at the table. Amy wears a light blue
dress and Leela wears her black jacket. Zapp and Kif arrive.]
Hello, beautiful. I got these for you.
[He hands her Kif's flowers and sits down.]
[She sets fire to them and puts them in Zapp's glass of water.]
Well, well. This looks to be one disturbingly
Waiter, bring us a bottle of wine.
And some oysters on the half-shell.
Oh, and I'd like--
[Zapp puts his hand over Kif's mouth.]
Kif's not hungry. (quietly) Kif, this
place is expensive. (talking) I'd like
two steaks and the ladies will have
some very sensual salads -- with low-cal
[Amy smiles at Kif and he giggles.]
[Time Lapse. It's Kareoke Night at the restaurant and Morbo sings
Lipps Inc's Funkytown.]
(singing) Oh, won't you take me to funkytown,
Oh, won't you take me to funkytown.
[The song ends and the audience applauds.]
(talking) Thank you.
[At the table the meals have arrived.]
Kif, you're so quiet. You haven't said
a word all night.
Well, um, um ... hello.
'Cause I was really hoping we could
talk and stuff.
[Kif stutters and gasps then drinks a glass of wine and takes
out Zapp's book. Zapp smirks and picks his teeth with a toothpick.]
Amy, (reading) if I said you had a beautiful
body would you take your pants off and
dance around a little?
[Zapp winks at Kif and gives a thumbs up. Kif gasps and reads
(reading) I find the most erotic part
of the woman is the boobies
[Leela stands up.]
This half-date is entirely over. Amy?
[They walk away and Kif groans.]
Is there nothing we can do, sir?
There's only one sure-fire way back
into a woman's heart and parts beyond.
I speak of course, of kareoke.
(determined) My years in the DOOP Boys'
Chorus will not have been in vain!
[Cut to: Le Palm D'Orbit Women's Room. Leela and Amy apply lipstick
with a handy device that doesn't touch their lips.]
Alright, enough lipstick. Let's storm
[Cut to: Le Palm D'Orbit. They walk out of the women's room and
notice Kif starting to sing Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse Of The
(singing) Once upon a time I was falling
But now I'm only falling apart...
Oh, that's so emotional!
(singing) ...There's nothing I can do,
A total eclipse of the heart--
[Zapp walks onto the stage and pushes Kif aside. Kif drops the
mic and Zapp catches it and spins it around.]
Amateur hour's over.Let me show you
why they call me "The Velour Fog"! Hit
[The jukebox changes to some different music. Zapp smokes a cigarette
and starts singing The Kinks' Lola.]
(spoken-word) I met her in a club down in old Soho,
Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Coca-Cola,
C-O-L-A .. .Cola.
Aw, give us a break!
He sickens me!
(spoken-word) She walked up to me and
she asked me to dance,
I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said
[People get out of their seats and run around screaming.]
[He breaks the glass and a man presses a button for the emergency
escape pods. People spill into them.]
[Cut to: Outside Le Palm D'Orbit. The escape pods eject and fly
off into space.]
[Cut to: Le Palm D'Orbit. Zapp finishes singing. The restaurant
We're going home. Call us a space taxi.
No need. There's not a restaurant built
I can't fly. Where to, ladies?
Please, sir. Let's just divide up the
[Zapp starts pressing buttons on the steering controls.]
Let's see what this eatery can do.
[Cut to: Outside Le Palm D'Orbit. The headlights and indicators
flash, the windscreen wipers swish back and forth and windows
open and close. The restaurant blasts forwards and knocks a few
ships away from the car park.]
[Cut to: Le Palm D'Orbit.]
Ah, she's built like a steakhouse, but
she handles like a bistro.She's out
[Cut to: Outside Le Palm D'Orbit.]
(from inside) You win again, gravity!
[Everyone screams as the restaurant tumbles towards the green
[Planet Express: Lounge. The next day, Fry, Bender and Hermes
sit watching TV. Zoidberg walks in still without a shell and
carrying a purple J. Crab catalogue.]
Look what arrived: My new shell catalogue.
So let's try some on already!Ah! Muy
macho! Hey, gringos! Here comes El Zoido
to ruin your drinking water!
[He points claws at them like guns and imitates gunfire.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm Mexican and I
find that offensive.
[He opens his chest cabinet. "Hecho En Mexico" is etched on the
inside of his door. He closes it and it falls off.]
You Latins are so hot-blooded!This
one's like a summer guy!
[He turns around revealing his lobster ass.]
Look, you fat fish. The Planet Express
health plan only covers one kind of
[He changes the shell to a simple white shell with a barcode
and "Shell" printed on it. Zoidberg groans and Hermes closes
the catalogue. Zoidberg wobbles out towards the meeting room.]
I can't believe Leela and Amy aren't
back yet from their half-date. I'm gonna
call the restaurant.
[He picks up the phone and dials Le Palm D'Orbit. The dial tone
changes to the "unavailable" beeps.]
The number you have dialled has crashed
into a planet. Please make a note of
[Fry and Bender gasp. Fry gets up.]
We gotta go rescue them!
Eh, I don't know.
Bender! Think of the señoritas!
[Bender leaps up.]
[Planet Surface. Kif, Amy, Zapp and Leela sit amid the burning
wreckage of Le Palm D'Orbit.]
So, Amy, um, well--
It's always a line with you!
What planet is this anyway?
(mumbling) I 'unno. (talking) This whole
sector is uncharted.
It is not uncharted, you lost the chart!
Well, nothing to do now but repopulate
the human race.Just me and you!(whispering)
And maybe you.
[Crashing sounds come from the woods around them and the ground
starts to shake.]
What is it?
[She looks at the water in her cup which ripples like the glass
of water in Jurassic Park. Leela watches a puddle ripple and
it gives the impression that she has two eyes. Zapp's gut jiggles.
They all tremble and hide behind a piece of wreckage. Growling
comes from the woods and a huge foot stomps on the group's campfire.
The foot belongs to a huge woman -- an Amazonian. Her name is
Kug and she has a blue hairdo and wears very little. Two others
are with her: Ornik, a darker Amazonian with dreads and Tonk,
Me hear people. But me not see people.
No big deal. Everybody make mistake.
[They turn to leave. Leela gestures for Amy and Kif to keep quiet.
Zapp peers over the top of the wreckage with a big grin on his
face. He turns on the charm.]
Well, hello! I usually don't say this
but you are the most beautiful trio
of gigantic ladies I've ever laid eyes
on.(reading) I find the most erotic
part of a woman is the boo--
[Kug grabs him by the head and drags him away. Ornik drags Kif
by his feet and Tonk carries Amy and Leela over her shoulders.]
[The Planet Express ship flies erratically towards Amazonia.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Bender runs around panicking while Fry
steers wildly and presses random buttons. Alarms wail.]
[Cut to: Amazonia Surface. The ship flies towards the smoking
wreckage of Le Palm D'Orbit and smacks down onto the ground,
the landing gear lowering just a little too late. Fry and Bender
run down the steps and see the wreckage.]
Oh, no! Any sign of Leela or Amy?
No. But what do you make of this?
[He picks up a giant hairclip.]
I don't know. But it might have something
to do with this.
[He holds up a huge can of Tab.]
[Time Lapse. Bender peers through some huge grass blades and
Oh, your God!
[Fry looks through the grass. In front of them several Amazonians
have gathered. Kug, Thog and Ornik lead Amy, Leela, Zapp and
Kif into a ring at the front of the crowd. Around them is an
Amazonian city, with buildings made of wood and straw.]
Alright, here's the plan--
What kind of moronic plan is that?
[The Amazonian hits them with her club.]
[Time Lapse. Fry and Bender are in chains with Zapp and Kif.
Leela and Amy are freed.]
Women go free. Men stay in chains.
We take them to our leader. She know
Pfft. A female leader?
Fry, shut up.
[Amazonian City. The Amazonians lead Leela, Amy and the prisoners
past the buildings.]
This capital city planet Amazonia.
Where are all the men in your society?
Men die out many year ago.
With all these women around they were
probably nagged to death. Are you with
[He, Zapp and Fry laugh. The women glare at them and they suddenly
[Outside Basketball Pitch. The group watch a woman bounce a basketball.]
Here stadium, where our women basketball
We no can dunk, but good fundamentals.
That more fun to watch.
[Zapp, Fry and Bender laugh.]
(laughing) Oh, God, you're killing me!
Ow! God, you're killing me!
[Outside The Drollery Domicile.]
This our comedy club. Humour here funny
in different way.
It not reinforce stereotypes.
Comedy come from character, real situations.
Not abstract craziness.
Translation: Boring!(laughing) That's
a good one!Ow!
This women-only planet is sounding better
I'm already looking for apartments.
[She looks through a free "Westside Cave Rentals" brochure.]
[Outside Femputer Temple. The stone temple has a woman's face
carved into it and smoking boobies.]
Here live vengeful, all-knowing leader.
She decide men's fate.
Is she hot?
That not important. She all-knowing.
In other words, "No".Ow!
[Femputer Temple. Leela, Amy and the Amazonians and their prisoners
walk into the dimly-lit building. Amazonians stand around the
room. Three Amazonians bow before a wall and the wall turns around
revealing a huge piece of technology with dials and flickering
(chanting) All hail Femputer.
KUG AND ORNIK
(chanting) All hail Femputer.
You all obey a big computer?
Yes. It appear mysteriously just about
time men die out.
So why did you make it your leader?
It seemed like different kind of politician.
Not beltway insider.
[Thog holds something up to the Femputer.]
Femputer, we bring offering of bath
beads and scented soaps.
Your gift pleases Femputer. Femputer
demands to know why there are men on
It was an accident, ma'am.
That does not fempute. Femputer will
return after deciding your punishment.
[She spins around out of sight.]
[Time Lapse. Kif, Zapp, Fry and Bender are shackled to the wall.]
Leela, I'm through making fun of women.
Now I want them to help me.
Should we do something?
[Ornik chokes Fry with a strap.]
There's no hurry.
[Kug tightens the strap around Zapp's neck.]
Yes! A little tighter.Tighter. Perhaps
a hard spanking is in order?Too hard!
[She turns to Amy and Leela.]
Men strange. You have them on your planet?
(ashamed) I'm afraid so.
What they for?Oh, you mean "snu-snu".
[The other Amazonians murmur.]
We hear tell men used for snu-snu. But
all we have go on are ancient legend
and subscription to Cosmo.
Just FYI, I could be used for snu-snu.
Silence. You want die like last men
What'd they die of?
[In the corner some happy little skeletons lie against the wall
with broken pelvises. One enjoyed himself so much he is still
holding the cigarette.]
Oh, thank you, Lord in heaven!
[The Femputer returns.]
After lengthy femputations, I, Femputer,
have decided the fate of the men. Femputer
sentences them to death.By snu-snu!
(cheering) Yeah!(talking) What are
Death to the men. Death by snu-snu.
[The prisoners whimper.]
Although the snu-snu part's gonna be
Baby, it'll blow your mind.
Femputer, be reasonable. Sure men are
annoying and they wreck up whatever
planet they're in charge of. But most
of these men are sorta my friends. They
don't deserve to die.
Hmm. Perhaps men are not as evil as
But they make fun women's basketball.
What?! Did you explain how the women's
good fundamentals make up for their
inability to dunk?
Yes. They still laugh.
The men must die.
Too true, Femputer. You're so wise.
Kill 'em all, I say. Good riddance!
Did I mention I'm not a man? I'm a manbot.
It's an understandable mistake. You
can let me down now, thanks.
He big jerk like man.
I sure am. But check the crotch.Nothing.
Very well, release him. As for the others,
take them to the snu-snu chambers.
[Kif's jaw drops in fear followed by Zapp's and Fry's. Zapp and
Fry change to happy smiling, then back to fear, then happy, then
[Outside Snu-Snu Chambers. The Amazonians carry Fry, Kif and
Zapp towards the snu-snu chambers under the moonlit sky.]
[Snu-Snu Chambers. Fry, Zapp and Kif stand in their underpants
with their hands tied behind them and their feet bound. Several
Amazonians have gathered to watch along with Amy, Leela and Bender.]
(crying) I'll miss you, meatbag.
Me too, meatbag.
Goodbye, friends. I never thought I
would die like this. But I'd always
[Femputer gives instructions over the Sonya loudspeaker.]
(chanting) Snu-snu, snu-snu, snu-snu!
[Thog starts untying Kif's hands.]
Amy. Before I die, I have to tell you:
I didn't mean to say those awful things
on our date. They were all Zapp's idea.
Really? Honest and true?
Yes. And-And that person calling and
hanging up, was me. I was just too nervous
to say hello because I love you.
It Thog's first time.Be gentle!
[She flings him over her shoulder and walks into the snu-snu
chamber. Ornik and Kug drag Fry and Zapp into two other chambers.]
We've got to do something. Bender, maybe
you can interface with the Femputer
and reprogram it to let them go.
Maybe you can interface with my ass.
By biting it!Alright, I'll go!
[He walks off mocking Amy's curse. Ornik and Kug walk out of
the chambers and two new women walk in. Fry and Zapp groan from
inside then cheer.]
(from inside) Ooh! Yeah!
(from inside) Oh, baby!
[They groan and scream again.]
[Outside Femputer Temple. Bender runs up one side and hides behind
one of the stone boobies. Two guards sit on the steps.]
How Tonk look?
Tonk look good. Me fat.
No, you look good. Tonk fat.
[Bender mocks them with the yack-yack gesture. They walk down
the steps and Bender sneaks inside.]
[Cut to: Femputer Temple. The Femputer is facing outwards.]
Intruder! Stay away from the mighty
Time to override the CPU and reprogram
[He takes out a pipe and starts hitting the Femputer.]
Hey, whoa, whoa! Stop it! Stop it! Hey,
cut that out!
[A panel falls down revealing a hollow section of the Femputer
with a bed, a curtain and lots of levers. Also a Fembot.]
Cease hitting Femputer!
[She turns around and sees Bender and screams.]
You're no Femputer, you're a Fembot!
(ashamed) It's true. I disguised myself
as a Femputer so I could rule the Amazonians.
Why? Why? I came here from a faraway
planet. A planet ruled by a chauvinistic
Manputer that was really a Manbot. Have
you any idea how it feels to be a Fembot
living in a Manbot's Manputer's world?
And now, my meddling Manbot, there's
the question of what to do with you!
[She narrows her eyes and moves towards him. He backs away, waving
his arms and panicking.]
[Snu-Snu Chambers. The Amazonians are queued up waiting for their
snu-snu. Fry and Zapp walk out, gasping.]
(gasping) We need rest. The spirit is
willing but the flesh is spongy and
It time snu-snu!
Can't we just cuddle?(screaming) Nooo!
[She carries him inside. Kug picks up Zapp. He groans and she
takes him in.]
We can't wait for Bender. It's time
for a woman's touch.Yah! Hi-yah! Yah,
[An Amazonian picks her up by her ponytail, throws her on the
floor and sits on her. Amy walks past on stilts. She has put
a bone through her hair and torn her dress.]
(disguised, deeper voice) Me next snu-snu.
Out me way.
[She walks into a snu-snu chamber.]
[Cut to: Kif's Snu-Snu Chamber. Thog looks under a bed.]
Where go beautiful man?Me want snu-snu!
[She pokes him with a broom and he runs around the ceiling, his
hands and feet sticking to it. Amy walks in. She sees Kif and
Thog and gasps. She jumps off the stilts and holds out her arms.]
[He lands in her arms.]
[They kiss and run.]
[Outside Femputer Temple. Amy runs past the steps still carrying
Kif with the Amazonians chasing her.]
(shouting) Me not get snu-snu! Get him!
[They chase her around the side of the temple. Ornik, Kug and
another group of Amazonians block her path. She gasps and ducks
through a crack in the wall.]
[Cut to: Femputer Temple. Amy runs towards the Femputer and the
Amazonians run in and corner her. Thog gets on her knees in front
of the Femputer.]
Mighty Femputer. Small girl steal green
kissy man. We kill her now?
(from inside) Come back later. Leave
(from inside) Yeah, get lost!(spookily)
Ooh! I'm a scary Femputer. Release the
prisoners!(from inside) And bring
gold. Lots of gold.
Gold? Why Femputer want gold?
(from inside) You heard the man.
[They giggle again. Amy and Kif smile and walk out.]
(from inside) C'mon! Gimmie some of
[Planet Express: Lounge. Hermes and Zoidberg stand at the water
And that's how I got my new shell. It
looks just like the shell I threw out
yesterday and I found it in the same
dumpster, but this one had a live raccoon
inside.Pretty good story, eh, Hermes?
Stick to someone else, you windy barnacle¬
[Leela, Bender and Farnsworth sat at the table.]
It's funny how the battle of the sexes
was only resolved when a Manbot and
a Fembot realised they loved each other.
Yeah. By the way, if she calls, I'm
not here. All I know is this gold says
that was the best mission ever!
[He closes his door. Inside and on the table are big bars of
gold. On the couch Kif yawns and puts his arm around Amy. She
It sure was.
[Fry and Zapp stand nearby in body casts and leaning on crutches.]
I had snu-snu!
So, um, Amy, w-what do you wanna do
[Amy whispers something in his ear and smiles. He gasps and stutters.]