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Откуда запах кровавых соплей? (323)
ACV: Гудение | The HonkingАвтор сценария: Ken Keeler
Режиссёр: Susan Dietter
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Smell-O-Vision Users Insert Nostril
[Old Building. A robot croaks and his arm shakes. He tries to
clench his fist but is too weak and his arm falls beside him.
He is lying in an old four-poster bed. The room around him is
covered in cobwebs and lit by candles. A human butler stands
at one side of the bed and a Doctorbot and the Preacherbot stand
on the other side. The Doctorbot opens the old robot's chest
cabinet and inside a life-support machine beeps and stops. The
robot is dead. The Doctorbot closes the robot's eyes.]
Notify his survivors.
[Planet Express: Lounge.]
(singing) B-E-N-D-E-R! Be-ender!B-E-N-D-E-R!
Be-ender! Sayin' B-E-N-D-ERRR...
[Enter Hermes. He picks up a remote control and mutes Bender.
Bender carries on dancing, unaware.]
Mail call! Amy, here's your designer
lingerie catalogue, Fry, Sadie's Bra
Parade and Leela, Bulk Underpants Outlet.
[Leela snatches the catalogue from him.]
You buy one pound of underwear and you're
on their list forever.
And for Bender, uh-oh: A black-bordered
Oh no, someone you know must've died.
[Bender takes the envelope and Hermes un-mutes him.]
I hope it was one of my enemies, those
guys suck!Oh no, my uncle Vladimir.
Oh, I'm sorry, Bender. When's the funeral?
Tomorrow, at the family castle. Followed
by the reading of his will.Well, I'm
rich. Goodbye, losers, whom I've always
hated!C'mon, it'll be fun!
[Somewhere In Eastern Europe. The Planet Express ship lands in
a lightning storm. It gets caught in a huge cobweb between some
trees before landing on a landing pad near a small settlement.]
[Thermostadt. The crew walk into the capital of the Robo-Hungarian
Empire. The town is populated by robots, dressed like 11th century
folk. Bender addresses a robot feeding a horse.]
Uh, pardon me, my good simpleton, could
you take us to yon castle?
[He points to a huge imposing castle on a mountain top. The townsfolk
mutter and run indoors. An old hunchbacked robot hobbles towards
Some say unholy things happen up there.
For example: All of us say that.
Fuf! Superstitious robot mumbo-jumbo.
Mumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not!
With all your modern science are you
any closer to understanding the mystery
of how a robot walks or talks?
Yes, you idiot.The circuit diagram
is right here on the inside of your
[The robot slams it shut.]
I choose to believe what I was programmed
[Mountain. A hover-carriage pulled by two horses skids around
a corner on a narrow mountain pass. It stops suddenly. Bender
peeps out of the window.]
I will go this far and no further.
[They are right outside the front door of the castle.]
[Castle Cemetery. The crew and Vladimir's other relatives stand
in the cemetery which is populated by such robots as Blimpf,
Hovermayor of Thermostadt ("I Will Rise Again") and The Red LeBaron.
Vladimir's gravestone has "Vladimir 2790-3001. Efficient Father
And Husband" engraved on it.]
I now commend Vladimir's remains to
the earth. Filings to filings; rust
[Four pallbearerbots carry Vladimir's body towards the grave,
package his body in polystyrene and a cardboard box, stamp "Return
To Sender" on it and place it in the ground. A Fembot weeps and
Preacherbot fills the hole.]
[Execu-tor & Prosecutron Solicitors. Everyone is gathered for
the reading of the will.]
(reading) To my loyal butler, You There,
I leave a pittance, to be paid in 20
equal installments of one-twentieth
of a pittance each.To my lazy, spoiled
son, Tandy, who never learned the value
of a dollar, I leave my entire $10 million
[Tandy leans over to his wife.]
(whispering) Is that a lot?
(reading) And to my loving nephew, Bender,
assuming he's not responsible for my
death, I leave my castle.
Yes! Let's stay there tonight.
(reading) On condition that he spend
one night within its walls.
Oh man, there's always a catch.
[Castle Dining Room. The crew sit around a long table. Lightning
still crackles outside. Bender sips from a glass.]
Ah! I got a good vibe from this place:
Nice long dinner table, quiet, well-behaved
spiders, graveyard-adjacent. Yep! It's
gonna be -
[He drops his glass and screams.]
What is it?
[Bender peeps over the top of the table and points.]
That painting, the eyes are watching
[Farnsworth walks towards a portrait of Commodore LXIV.]
Hmm.It has motor eye sensors attached
to motion detectors.
So does my butt, but I don't frame it
and put it on the wall! Although...
I don't know, but it's infectious!
[Castle Parlour. The crew sit in front of a roaring fire in an
old parlour. Bender's teeth chatter together.]
No doubt about it, this place is haunted.
Don't be silly mon, the last ghost died
over 200 years ago.
The last human ghost. But robot ghosts?
[He shudders. The Windows music plays again. Bender gasps and
points at some blood-red numbers appearing on a wall. Leela and
Amy turn around.]
(reading) 0101100101. (talking) What
does it mean?
It's just gibberish.(reading) 1010011010?!
[He screams and runs out of the room.]
[Cut to: Castle Corridor. He runs down the corridor being chased
by a ghostly toaster with wings and the Windows logo. He runs
around a corner and gasps.]
Come, Bender. You'll like being dead!
That's what they said about being alive.
[Some robot ghosts appear from paintings on the wall.]
(chanting) Join us! Join us! Join us,
[Bender screams and runs away. Again.]
[Cut to: Castle Cemetery. The crew are digging up the graves
of other robots. Fry hands Leela the toaster that chased Bender.
Farnsworth dusts of a piece of sparking equipment.]
Just as I suspected. These robots were
buried in improperly shielded coffins.
Their programming leaked into the castles
wiring through this old, abandoned modem
allowing them to project themselves
Of course! It was so obvious!
Yes, that sequence of words I said made
perfect sense. We really should tell
Bender there's nothing to be afraid
[Bender runs, screaming, through the middle of the group and
out onto the moors.]
[Cut to: Moors. Bender stops running and leans against a wall
as he catches his breath. He jumps and turns around. Behind him,
two lights light up. They are the headlights on a car. It races
[The car hits him and Bender goes flying, landing on the ground
unconscious. The car howls at the moon and honks.]
[Time Lapse. The next morning the crew find Bender in a crumpled
mess on the floor.]
Bender, wake up!He's OK! Quick, does
anyone have any liquor?
[Everyone offers him some. Bender takes a hip flask from Amy.]
Bender, what happened?
Somebody tried to run me over. And not
with a normal hover-car. It crept along
the ground on round, rubber feet, like
Poor Bender, you're seeing things. You've
been drinking too much, or too little,
I forget how it works with you. Anyway,
you haven't drunk exactly the right
Maybe he's right, look at these tracks.
[She points at some tyre tracks. Bender screams.]
I think Bender may be telling the truth.]
[The other five scream.]
[The ship flies back to New New York City later that night.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. The next morning, Bender staggers into
the lounge, where the rest of the crew already are. His eyes
Bender, you look awful. I prescribe
make-up. Here. It just so happens I
have my Mary Kay sample case!
Ah, I just need sleep. I had nightmares
all night about cars running people
Many people dream of a fresh, new look.
And Mary Kay can make those dreams come
Look at this. They found those same
rubbery tracks right here in New New
York.There was a hit-and-run by the
robot porno theatre.
Robot porno theatre? I was in that...general
area, last night. Whoever ran me down
on those moors must've followed me back
Bender mon, no one's trying to run you
over. Stop being a big, hallucinating
Yeah?! Could a big, hallucinating baby
do this: (crying) I scared!
[New New York Street. A grey car drives across rooftops and down
the transport tubes. In an alley two vandals smash up a car with
a blernsball bat and a crowbar. One laughs.]
I don't know which I like more: Smashing
cars or smashing faces.
Well. lucky you don't gotta decide tonight.
No come on, we got church tomorrow.
Did you hear something?
[They both look around then carry on walking.]
Ah, it was probably just a golden marmoset.
[The car revs it's engine.]
That don't sound like any golden marmoset
I ever heard.
[They run into a building called The Squatterly.]
[Cut to: The Squatterly. They close the door behind them, catch
their breath and high-five.]
[Vandal #2 presses the elevator button.]
So anyway, what're you wearing tomorrow?
[The elevator doors open. The car is in there. The vandals scream.]
[Cut to: New New York Street. The car's honk and howl echoes
around the city.]
[Impound Lot 136. The next morning Bender wakes up in a puddle
of oil. He groans and wipes some oil from his mouth.]
Where...? What the...?Transmission
fluid? Where have I been? What happened?
[Sal kicks him.]
Get outta here, yous lazy bum!
Please, I'm scared.
We're all scared, it's the human condition.
Why do you thinks I put on this tough-guy
facade? Now beat it!
[Planet Express: Lounge. Bender recounts his tale to Fry and
I passed out around midnight, which
is much earlier that usual, and when
I woke up, I found these in my chest
[He pulls out some fluffy dice.]
Aw, relax buddy. You were probably just
shooting some big, fuzzy craps.
No, I think I may have hurt someone.
Oh Lord, I'm on the verge of a nervous
[He bangs his head.]
Geez Bender, you're scaring me. You're
You're right, I need professional help.
And damn the expense.
[Carnival. Bender's "professional help" is a Circus Fortune-teller
machine which costs 5c.]
Damn the expense!
[He puts 5c in and the gypsy lights up.]
My friend, you have nothing to worry
about. Except a nightmare-ish life of
For, you see, you are a were-car.
[Fry, Leela and Bender gasp.]
The car that ran you down on the moors
was also a were-car. It beamed a virus
to you through its demonic headlights.
Yes. So crazy that it must be true!
Each midnight, when your clock resets
to zero, your hardware reconfigures
into a murderous, four-wheeled car.
I can't keep running people over. I'm
not famous enough to get away with it.
Can't you help me?
Yes. But you must be willing to pay
a terrible price.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[He puts another 5c in.]
[She walks off.]
[Gypsy's Caravan. She reads Curse Of The Were-Car. For Windows
According to this ancient read-me file,
your only hope is to destroy the original
I'm with you.
In its death throes, the dread car will
beam out the virus's uninstall program,
thus ridding you of the curse.
Otherwise, I can never die?
Who said that? Sure you can die. You
want to die?
[She points a laser at him.]
No! I wanna live! There's still too
many things I don't own!
Then live on, forever cursed. Each night,
your attacks will become more gruesome
until, one dark night you are doomed
to kill your dearest friend.
I wouldn't wanna be me right now.
Now go! Go!Uh, could one of you just...?
Ah, forget it. I'll just sleep here.
[She starts to snore and the others leave.]
[Fry and Bender's Lounge. Leela finishes welding Bender to the
There. No rampaging for you tonight.
Wouldn't it make sense to weld everyone
except me to the wall?
Just relax, Bender. Tomorrow we'll pry
you down, have a nice breakfast and
then go hunt down and slaughter that
It'll be a rich, full day.
[Outside Robot Arms Apartments. Fry and Leela leave the building.]
Well, goodnight. I'm gonna go make my
dinners for the next month and freeze
[The two part company. Above them, the huge digital clock displays
11:58:48, 49, 50, 51, 52...]
[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Lounge. Bender stirs in his sleep.
His internal clock reaches midnight and the were-car routine
begins. He wakes up. His arm turns into a wheel, as do his other
limbs. He falls from the wall and his casing forces itself into
the shape of a car chasis. His head stretches and his eyes turn
into headlights. They light up and the engine purrs.]
[Cut to: Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. The Bender-car bursts
through the wall and drives down the corridor.]
[Cut to: Outside Robot Arms Apartments. Bender smashes through
the front doors and speeds off down the street. He howls and
honks at the moon.]
[Cut to: New New York Street. Leela walks through the deserted
city and gulps when she hears the honking. Fry turns as he hears
it. Leela walks around a corner and comes to face to face with
the Bender-car. She dives out of the way. Fry appears.]
(shouting) Bender, no!
(shouting) Fry, stay back!
[Bender tears after her. He chases her into an alley and she
comes to a dead end.]
(shouting) You jerk. I thought I was
your best friend. What kind of two-timing
kill-mobile are you?
[Bender drives at Leela and she screams. She runs through a gap
in the fence and into a junkyard.]
[Cut to: Park Avenue Junk. Leela jumps onto a mattress and springs
out of Bender's way. Bender crashes into some rubbish. He shakes
it off and looks around for Leela. Leela drives up behind him
in a crane and lifts him up with the grabber. Bender growls and
I can't believe this. Bender is supposed
to murder his closest friend, which
I thought was me. But he went straight
for you. He didn't even try to second-degree
Could you give me some help? I think
Bender crushed my foot.
Stop rubbing it in.
[Time Lapse. The next morning Bender is nearly back to normal,
though his right arm is still a wheel. He wakes up, screams and
shakes it back to normal. Leela lowers him to the ground.]
Oh God. Fry, I'm so glad to see you.
I didn't hurt you did I?
Not physically. But why don't you ask
your new best friend, Leela?
I tried to run you over?
It was very sweet of you, Bender.
Fry, it doesn't mean anything. I have
love enough for two.
Words. Nothing sweet, sweet words that
turn into bitter orange wax in my ears.
Enough with the feelings, you two. If
we're gonna cure Bender we've got to
go back to the castle and hunt down
the original were-car.
[Thermostadt. The ship lands outside the town and Fry, Bender
and Leela walk through the street. The robots make the sign of
the cross but the crew take no notice.]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Cursed, got it.
[Outside Old Shack. The trio follow some tyre tracks to the garage
door of a rickety, old shack.]
The tracks lead here.
Thanks, eagle eye.
Now it's daylight, so he should be in
robot form. But be careful. Many robots
are stupid and violent.
(sarcastic) I wish I was stupid and
violent. Then we'd see what's what,
I'd pound him till -
[He screams and someone rams a pitchfork at him.]
Get ye to your house, ye ignorant villagers.
[He pokes Bender with his pitchfork.]
We are not ignorant villagers, we're
sophisticated New New Yorkers. Whup
[They dive on the robot and punch him.]
Stop! What are ye doing?
We're whaling on the original were-car,
which is you, you jerk.
Ye think me be he?
Nee. I mean, "no". I was given the curse
many a year ago while on a bird-watching
trip to the Arctic...
[Arctic. The ship cruises over the icy land, lands and skids
to a stop outside an igloo.]
(voice-over) ...I was attacked by a
vicious, motorised sled. The natives
called it the abominable snowmobile.
[Igloo. The crew sit with an Inuitbot.]
Yes, it's true. I ran over that bird-watching
jerk and a hundred others. Even my best
friend from aromatherapy school.
I once had a best friend who liked to
smell things with me.
[He glares at Bender.]
Alas, I'm afraid I'm not the original
were-car. I received the curse while
taking a learning annex class from a
famous robot actor.
[Outside All My Cicuits Soundstage. The crew go in.]
(voice-over) You know him as Calculon.
[Calculon's Dressing Room. Calculon is dressed in period costume.
He dabs himself with Silver Pancake and Iron Blush.]
(dramatically) Oh, fate most cruel,
would that my boundless acting skills
would avail me a sword with which to
slay this wretched curse.
Let's kick him some more.
No, wait, let me explain. (dramatically)
It all began one fateful night a thousand
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're a thousand
years old? Your bio says you're 27!
Lies! I change my identity and upgrade
my appearance every few decades to avoid
suspicion. I was all of history's great
acting robots: Acting Unit 0.8, Thespo-mat,
Look, are you the original were-car
No, but you are nearing the end of your
search, for you see I was attacked by
the original were-car.
Give us a name MacButt!
The year was 2019, and I was just a
lowly robot arm...
[Flashback. 2019 - Car Factory.]
(voice-over) ...working in an automotive
research lab. I was working on Project
Satan......a savage, intelligent military
vehicle built from the most evil parts
of the most evil cars in all the world.
The steering wheel from Hitler's staff
car, the left-turn signal from Charles
Manson's VW, the windshield from that
car that played Knight Rider.
Knight Rider wasn't evil.
His windshield wipers were. It didn't
come up much in the show though. Anyway...
[Flashback. 2019 - Car Factory.]
(voice-over) ...Only after bringing
Project Satan to life did they discover
they had made a horrible mistake.For
you see, it was pure evil.
[Project Satan's headlight light up and it rams Calculon. It
honks and howls.]
So what happened to Project Satan?
[Paris. Bender. Leela and Fry stand near the Eiffel Tower looking
(voice-over) It's either in Paris, or
much more likely...
[Outside Chrysler Factory.]
(voice-over) ...still in the abandoned
[The Planet Express ship lands outside the building. Someone
has sprayed "Anti" in front of "Chrysler".]
[Chrysler Factory. Rats run around the deserted building. Leela,
Bender and Fry open the door and walk in.]
You guys distract the were-car and I'll
kill it by plugging its exhaust pipe
with this silver potato.
[Time Lapse. The crew peer over a pile of debris.]
(whispering) Psst, there it is.
[Project Satan is parked next to a furnace, sobbing.]
It looks so unhappy. Excuse me? Are
you Project Satan?Don't be afraid.
We know what you are.
Would you like us to...put you out of
Misery? What misery? I love killing
people! Squishing them till their organs
squirt out like chunky mustard.
Look, everyone love killing people,
but I don't wanna hurt my friends.
[He puts his arms around Fry and Leela. Fry walks off in a huff.
A bell rings 12 outside. Bender's arms turn into wheels.]
Oh no! It's midnight.
Hey, this is starting to feel pretty
[His legs morph into wheels and he and Project Satan laugh. Project
Satan turns to Fry and Leela.]
Fry, distract him.
Hey, Project Satan! Over here! I'm
a blind pedestrian. 20 points!
[Project Satan chases Fry and Leela grabs hold of its back bumper.]
Oh no, there's no exhaust pipe!
That's right, thanks to Ed Begley Jr.'s
electric motor, the most evil propulsion
system ever conceived!Take whichever
one you want.
Oh boy, I feel like a car in a candy
[He chooses Fry and tries to ram him. Fry runs away.]
(gasping) Yes! He chose me! He's trying
to kill me! Leela, I'm so happy!(talking)
Oh, thanks Bender.(choking) Too tight!
[Bender's steering wheel starts hitting Fry in the face. Project
Satan chases Leela into a crash test area and up a huge ramp.
She dives off the end of it.]
[Project Satan screams as he flies over several yellow school
buses. Bender drives up the other ramp and he, Project Satan
and Fry scream as they fly past each other. Project Satan drives
down the other ramp and laughs, then screams as it realises it
is about to go face-first into a very, very, very, very, very
hot furnace. It slams its brakes on but doesn't stop in time.
It lands in the furnace and melts. It's headlight flash purple.
Bender's antenna beeps as the were-car program uninstalls itself.
He starts turning back into his normal self.]
[He runs down the other ramp and falls over, back to his old
Bender, you're cured! But what happened
(crying) I must've killed him. He's
my best friend and I killed him. I never
felt so empty inside.
[His door opens. Fry is inside.]
Bender, I'm alive!You didn't hurt
me at all. But I know you wanted to,
and that's what matters.Here's to
Hey, that's my last beer, you bastard.
I'll kill you!
[Fry raises his bottle.]
I'll kill you too, buddy. I'll kill
[Bender starts to choke him.]