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Давайте смотреть реально. Комедия — мертвый жанр, а трагедия — это смешно. (22)
ACV: Бендер в деле | Bender Gets MadeАвтор сценария: Eric Horsted
Режиссёр: Peter Avanzino
"BENDER GETS MADE"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: Simulcast On Crazy People's Fillings.]
[Outside Mmm TV Studio. There is a large sign on the door with
a picture of Neptunian chef Elzar and "Elzar Live! Now Taping."
Smartly dressed people walk through the VIP Entrance and Fry,
Bender and Leela walk through the P Entrance, which is just a
normal door right next to the VIP Entrance.]
[Cut to: Mmm TV Studio. At the back of the room people sit in
bleachers. Fry, Bender and Leela take a seat at a table near
Wow! I'm finally gonna see my favourite
chef, TV's Elzar. Oh this is the greatest
nanosecond of my life. No, this one
is - no, this one. Wait...that one was
slightly worse. Ah, so far so good on
[The lights dim and Bender squeaks. A drum roll rolls and spotlights
fly around the kitchen studio at the front.]
[The audience applauds and Bender leaps up cheering.]
Yeah!Alright! Yeah baby!
[Elzar takes off the jetpacks and shakes the cheering audiences
[Bender block Elzars path.]
Elzar, you're my god. Please sign this
sketch I drew of you.
[He holds up a crude picture of himself staring lovey-eyed at
a Elzar. Elzar takes it stamps it. Bender takes it back and reads
it. "I'll Sign This For $50.00. x___"] (crying) Oh Elzar, bless
[He hugs Elzar who struggles to get out of his grip.]
Now, this is why I prefer your non-stick
[The audience laughs and Elzar tickles Bender with an electric
whisk. Bender chuckles and lets go of Elzar. Elzar runs to the
front of the room.]
(disappointed) Oh.(normal) Alright,
yeah!(quietly) Alright, yeah!
Hey, I hope you folks like Cajun food.
'Cause today we're making Elzar's down-home
Neptune-style gumbo. Now, step one.
You'll wanna boil some oysters in a
pot of down-home Neptune-style gumbo.
(loudly) Boiled? Interesting.
(whispering) Bender, please try to be
a little quieter.
No, you shut up.
Of course, every now and then you'll
wanna knock it up a notch with a blast
from your spice weasel.Bam!
Oh yeah, bam it again Elzar. Knock it
up another notch!
Jeez, who let this guy through the metal
Come on you wimp. Work that weasel.
Quit holding out on us.
If you promise to stop interrupting
alright. Against my will, I'm gonna
knock it up another notch.
[Bender takes a camera out of his chest cabient.]
I gotta get this notch-up knocking on
film.Hey Elzar, think fast.
[The flash goes off and Elzar blasts the spice weasel straight
into Leela's eye.]
Ow! My eye! I'm blind!
[The crowd gasps and murmurs.]
[An ambulance speeds through the streets of New New York and
stops outside the Taco Bellevue Hospital.]
[Cut to: Taco Bellevue Hospital. Paramedics run in with Leela
on a hover-bed. In a cubicle a small doctor examines Hattie.]
Tell me doctor, how's my cyst?
[The doctor is a near dead ringer for Gidget the Taco Bell chihuahua.]
[Taco Bellevue Hospital Eye Clinic. While a doctor examines Leela's
bloodshot eye, Zoidberg dressed in scrubs talks to Fry.]
I don't like the look of this doctor.
I bet I've lost more patients than he's
OK. What does this look like?
[He holds up a picture of a blob to Leela.]
Um...a grey-ish blob?
[And it is.]
Right.And this one?
Um...a grey-ish blob?
Not as right that time. It looks like
you might have some mild corneal irritation.
Nice try little boy. You might have
your textbook knowledge and your real
diploma but I have more skill in my
little claw than you have in your whole
[He screams and clacks his claws at the doctor.]
You seem a bit tense.Here try these.
Sure, butter me up with candy. But it
won't work sonny!(dazed) Why always
[He walks away and the doctor turns to Leela.]
Your eye just needs some rest. You'll
have to wear this patch for about a
[He puts a black eye patch over Leela's eye and she groans.]
A week? What do you think Dr Zoidberg?
[Zoidberg, still dazed, clacks his claw past his face.]
[Taco Bellevue Hospital Waiting Room. Amy and Bender pace around.
The doors open and Leela and Zoidberg walk in. Leela holds onto
(dazed) Thanks for the help Leela.
[He sits down. Fry joins Amy and Bender.]
(shouting) Leela, we're right here.
I'm not deaf. I just have to wear this
stupid eye patch. Does it look stupid?
No. In fact, it looks so nice I think
I might get one too.
[He gestures an emphatic "no" to the others. Enter Elzar.]
It's Elzar again! Oh my God I'm so excited
I wish I could wet my pants.
Leela, please, let me make this up to
you. You and your friends are all invited
to my restaurant tonight. I'm gonna
bam you up a dinner you'll never forget.
(cheering) Hooray for blindy!
Oh God. I'm coming dowwwn!
[Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. A couple fly in on jetpacks and
the valets take them and fly away.]
[Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The whole crew are out for the
evening. Waiters hold plates piled high with food.]
Folks tell the neighbours to watch your
mouth 'cause your tastebuds are going
on vacation. I made you each your own
special meal so dig in!
[A waiter puts a plate in front of Hermes and he gasps.]
It's the biggest Jamaican platter I've
ever seen. Jerk chicken, jerk beef,
jerk pork. Is there any meat this man
[Zoidberg looks at his plate.]
The king crab is to die for! Look, a
tiny edible crown!
[He eats it.]
What's it made of?
[Bender eats his food. Whatever it is it's burning. Fry has a
Oh Fry, you gotta try this sterno-nicoise!
No thanks. That's robot food.
It's so good. Oh just try a little!
No really I don't -Mmm!
You doing alright over there Leela?
Oh yeah, this salad's fantastic.So
[She eats it.]
[Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The couple from earlier have finished
their meal and the valets return their jetpacks.]
[Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The crew have finished their meal
too. Hermes pushes his empty plate away, sighs and pats his stomach.
Farnsworth wipes his mouth and Bender opens his door and burps.]
Oh my. That steamed carrot was a bit
spicy for me.
[Elzar walks in behind him with a tray of chocolates.]
Everybody enjoy their dinner?
Are you kidding me?
God, yes Elzar.
Well, I enjoyed cooking for you. And
just to make everything completely square,
I want you to have these complimentary
[The crew takes the chocolates. Underneath is a piece of paper.]
What's this under the chocolates?
Yeah, you take care of that whenever
You're charging us? After you blinded
Hey I made you a nice meal. This ain't
Holy Zombie Jesus!
We don't have that kind of money. Especially
They took away my credit card.
OK OK wait. I know how to take care
of this, no problem.
[Time Lapse. URL puts some cuffs on Leela. The rest of the crew
are cuffed too.]
You deadbeats are under arrest. It's
a stone cold shame.
[Fry picks his nose.]
He's making a break for it. Get him!
[He and URL draw their lightsabers.]
No, I was just picking my nose.
He's picking his nose. Get him!
[He and URL bash Fry around the head.]
[Outside Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The crew file out of the restaurant
into the police van.]
The old dine-and-dash huh? My daddy
owned a restaurant and it's punks like
you who kept it from going regional.
That's why I became a cop.
Now it's payback time. Aww yeah.
Please don't hit me. I'm brittle.
Hey wait a second. I've got the perfect
Listen to the smart robot.
I love cooking and Elzar's ass likes
getting kissed right?
So, how 'bout I work part time at the
restaurant to pay off our debt?
I don't know. I usually hire people
who are a little less unbearable.
Oh, Bender's a model employee.
He's so polite.
And hard working.
He's made of candy.
OK, fine, I'll give it a shot.
[Smitty and URL take their cuffs off.]
You'd better keep your nose clean.
That'll be easy. I never wear the damn
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes addresses the crew at the
Ah. Time for my precious 10am meeting.
Where in Legoland is Leela?
[Leela walks in with Nibbler on a lead.]
I'm here and I'm getting along just
fine thank you. My walk to work today
just took a little longer than usual.
Nibbler took me through the zoo for
[Nibbler coughs up some antlers. Leela sits down on Zoidberg
and he groans.]
Leela, a little help is nothing to be
embarrassed about. Like, maybe I could
do your makeup.
I don't need help. For you information
I did this all by myself.
[She turns around. The other side of her face is messed up with
squiggly lines of lipstick and mascara everywhere.]
You look beautiful. Incidentally, my
favourite artist is Picasso.
Well, I'm off to work at the restaurant.
One of you will have to fill in for
me while I'm gone.
Better yet, I'll build someone to fill
in for you.Some kind of gamma powered
mechanical monster, with freeway on-ramps
for arms and a heart as black as coal...
[He walks out the door. Bender turns to the rest of the crew.]
Well, if that new give can't handle
thing, gimmie a call.
[Elzar's Fine Cuisine Entrance. Elzar empties the cash from the
till into his pockets. Bender walks in covered in grease and
wearing an apron.]
I'm done siphoning out the grease trap.
I think I need a mint.So uh, what
job do I move up to? Pastry chef? Saucier?
[He holds up a plunger and Bender takes it.]
(muttering) Bam yourself!(talking)
Hey, who are they?
Let's just say they're very good customers
and I'm not answering anymore questions.
Are they the robot mafia?
[Cut to: Elzar's Fine Cuisine. The waitress shows the Mafiabots
to their table.]
You call this a table? You call this
a table? I wouldn't hit a guy over the
head with this table.
You hear that? The Donbot don't like
it. I oughta clamp you - you wanna be
[He shows her his clamps and she flinches. The second mobbot,
Joey Mousepad, pulls him away.]
Whoa whoa, calm down Clamps.The boss,
he likes a wall up which his back can
be put against. Such as like this there.
[He points at a table with a family already sitting at it.]
But that table's already -
Uh, let me bus that for you gentlemen.
No, what I meant to do was...
[He slides the plates off the table and they fall to the floor
I can't believe this!
Mind your own business and get out!
[The family storm out and Bender kicks the plates around some
Huh. I like this guy's lack of style.
[Time Lapse. The mobbots are sat at their table.]
...So I finally get this guy a pair
of cement shoes which he likes, 'cause
they're lighter than his lead ones.
[Bender hands them their change on a tray and starts to leave.]
Hey. You think this computes over here?
Where's all my change? I gave you a
No you gave me a fifty.
Oh no I didn't.
Yeah you did.
Hey, you tryin' to steal from the Donbot?
I'm tryin' but he's not makin' it easy.
[Clamps and Joey stand up and Bender steps back. Donbot starts
to laugh. Clamps and Joey join in.]
Get a load of the ball bearings on this
guy, huh. I like you kid. Here's something
for your trouble.(whispering) It's
Hey, you earned that 50 bucks.
You gave me a twenty.
I did?Oh I'm sorry I meant to - hey
wait a minute.I got a good feeling
about you. Say, you wanna work for me
as a hired goon?
Are you kidding? I've always wanted
to break into gooning!(shouting) Hey
Elzar, I quit.
[Alley. Bender is with the mobbots. Donbot holds up a 3.5" disk.]
We're gonna try you out with a little
delivery job. It's for a uh, private
lottery that we run.
Wow, you guys run numbers?!
Well, nothing fancy. Just ones and zeros
Just take this disk over to the pool
hall and give it to Sammy "The Mechanical
Bull" Gravano. And watch out for the
[Bender takes the disk.]
That's just what my mom used to tell
[Cut to: Little Bitaly Street. Bender walks out of the alley
and into a street fair. Robots play hoopla and they all win and
cheer. A heliumbot blows up a balloon, twists it into a human
shape and gives to a kidbot. Bender stops by an OI"L"-AD"E" stall
run by Tinny Tim with certain letters turned backwards. He downs
That's some fine oil-ade son. We could
use a man like you in the Robot Mafia
which I'm sorta in.
You flatter me kind goon. But I'm only
programmed to sell oil-ade and write
in cute backwards letters like on the
[Bender is about to take about to take another sip when he sees
something across the street.]
Aw crap, the cops.
[Across the street, Smitty and URL are dressed in civilian clothes
but still wearing their police helmets. They read a "Non-Police
Seen any suspicious activity?
Nope. But check out today's Marmaduke.
[Smitty looks across the road.]
Hey. It's that skell from Elzar's.
[URL speaks into his wrist communicator.
Undercover pursuit in progress...baby.
[They cover their faces with their newspapers and follow Bender
who cheerfully whistles. Smitty drops his paper and grabs Bender's
What seems to be the problem officers?
Was I speeding?
We'll decide what you were doing after
an illegal search.
[URL snaps on some gloves and feels inside Bender's chest cabinet.
He's clean.Smells nice too.
Better than me?
[They leave and Bender looks across the street. Tinny Tim stands
on the steps of Pat's Pool Hall; Rich Beginners Welcome. The
door opens. Tinny Tim holds out the disk to a robot.]
Courtesy of Mr Bender.
[The robot takes it and closes the door. Tinny Tim winks and
waves some money at Bender. Bender thumbs ups. The mobbots come
around the corner.]
Nice job Bender, you passed the test.
You wanna joi me, Clamps and Joey Mousepad
at out uh, social club tomorrow night?
Uh, I'd rather plan some fellonies.
Oh. Then we should meet at our Mafia
[Fronty's Meat Market. On the front of the building a sign states
that it is "Not A Front Since 2997." Inside Bender looks around
and opens a freezer room door.]
[Cut to: Freezer Room. Donbot sits on several block of ice with
Clamps and Joey to either side. Meat carcasses hang on hooks
around them and a trembling robot stand in front of them.]
Donbot, I beg you, I can't make this
week's loan payment. Look into your
hard drive and open your mercy file.
File not found.Let that be a warning
[The robot gets up and puts on his hat.]
Thank you Donbot.
[He leaves and Bender walks in.]
Joey, Clamps, Donny B!
Hey listen Bender. We got a big score
planned but uh, we need some muscle.
A little of this huh?
[Joey punches his door.]
Ho ho, this guy's an ox! He's got oxon-like
strength! Hey, he needs a nickname right?
Let's call him Clamps.
Clamps? That's my name you numbskull!
Don't make me clamp you one!
[He clacks his clamps.]
How 'bout "Blotto"? It's witty, it's
got street cred. Plus I can keep my
Good thinking! Hey hey! Now, this score
ain't gonna be no cake walk in the tea
park alright, there may be some death
It's gonna be clamp this, clamp that,
What d'you think Blotto? You in?
It's funny. Until now I always wanted
to be a gangster...so the answer's yes.
Hey hey! Way to go way to be way to
Now since we're committing crimes that
may be against the law, I suggest you
have an alibi.
An alibi huh?
[Planet Express: Hangar. The ship is on it's launching mechanism
preparing to be raised into the launch position.]
[Cut to: Ship's Corridor. Outside Bender's and his quarters,
Fry holds a tray with two sundaes on it. Bender groans from inside.]
But we're about to take off. We gotta
eat our blastoff sundaes.
[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Quarters. Bender isn't inside. Instead
he has hooked up a tape-reel machine to play over and over.]
FRY [FROM OUTSIDE]
OK you stay in bed. I'll eat yours.
[The tape rewinds.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Leela, still wearing her eyepatch, feels
for a button. Enter Fry.]
Bender's sick.Need any help taking
[Nibbler sniffs at the sundae.]
I'm fine thank you. A real pilot can
navigate by feel alone.
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The hangar doors half open and
the ship blasts through them, leaving a hole in them.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes and Zoidberg turn
around at the table and see the hole in the doors and the rubble
on the hangar floor.]
That's coming outta your pay!
[Zoidberg bursts into tears.]
[Mafiabot Ship. Joey Mousepad drives. Bender walks in with a
pot of food and puts it on a table which Donbot and Clamps are
You know the secret of traditional robot
cooking? Start with a good high-quality
oil...then eat it. So whats this big
[He ladels some oil into Donbot's dish.]
We're heisting a shipment of Zuban cigars.
Zubans? Those are the finest cigars
in the universe. I can stink up a hole
maternity ward with one of those things.
Yo there's our pigeon now. Let's shoot
bullets out of our guns.
[Bender drinks a ladelful of oil and looks out through the windscreen
and squeals. The Planet Express ship flies ahead of the Mafia
ship. He spits out the oil for a very very very long time.]
[Time Lapse. The mobbots have their guns ready. Bender looks
out the window biting his nails with fear.]
Alright, here's the battleplan: We shoot,
they surrender, we go aboard, somebody
does some clamping then we heist the
cigars and go home.
And all without killing anyone.This
gang's got some fresh new ideas. I admire
Oh, we'll kill 'em alright.
We got 'em heavily out-clamped. They
won't know what clamped 'em!
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Nibbler gobbles some food from his dish
and Fry leans back on his seat looking through the window.]
Wow, it's too bad you can't see Leela
'cause theres a cool ship out there
shooting at somebody.
[The orange laser bolts hit the ship and it shakes and knocks
Fry and Leela off their chairs.]
I'm taking evasive action.
[She his sitting on the other side of the cockpit holding Nibbler's
bowl instead of the wheel.]
Stop bothering me Fry, I need full concentration.
[Cut to: Outside Mafiabot Ship. Clamps and Joey Mousepad stand
on the portside of the ship firing lasers from their tommyguns.
The Planet Express ship turns wildly away.]
[Cut to: Ship's Laser Turret. Fry returns fire and misses. The
front of the Mafiabot ship opens and missile comes flying out
of it. Fry squeals and pulls a string.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry has rigged up the strings to turn
the wheel. He turns the ship starboard and missile flies away
from the ship and explodes.]
Eyesight is for chumps.
[Cut to: Mafiabot Ship. Donbot drives and Bender stands next
to him tense.]
Their desire to keep living shows me
no respect. Hey Blotto, roll down the
window and start shooting.
[He hands him a tommygun.]
Um, uh, um.(fake hurt) Ooh ow! He
got me! Ow, what a shot that guy is.
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Leela stops turning her new wheel.]
Wait. Why do the raised letters that
normally say "Turnmaster Steering company"
say "Nibbler"? Oh no!
[She throws the dish down and makes her way over to the pilot's
[Cut to: Ship's Laser Turret. Leela takes control of the ship
and it jerks sideways. She crackles onto a screen.]
LEELA [ON SCREEN]
I'm back at the wheel Fry. Everything's
Great, great. The one time I forgot
to buy flight insurance.
[Cut to: Outside Mafiabot Ship. The Planet Express ship turns
around and heads for the mobbot's ship. Joey screams.]
They're coming straight towards our
proximity. Maybe you should give 'em
the clamps Clamps.
Gee you think? You think that maybe
I should use these clamps that I use
every day at every opportunity? (shouting)
You're a freaking genius you idiot!
[The Planet Express ship flies by and Clamps grabs it's tail
fin. On the fin is a sign that clearly says "Fuel Line. Do Not
Clamp." Clamps ignores it and clamps the fuel line. The ship's
engines shut down.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Fry slides down the turret access ladder
and runs into the cockpit.]
The engine's stalled. I'm trying the
manual fuel pump.
[She pumps Nibbler's eyestalk up and down. The doors opens and
Fry screams. The three Mafiabots are standing in the doorway.]
Hello, we're the Robot Mafia. The entire
Robot Mafia. We're here to steal your
[Leela gets up and points at something that isn't a Mafiabot.]
You'll never get away with this.
Unless you let us live. Then you'll
get off scot free.
Joey, Clamps, hurry and blindfold them
before they see us some more.
[Clamps blindfolds Fry and Joey points at Leela.]
Hey boss, looks like somebody beat us
I'll assume that's a joke at my expense.
Well, who's laughing now? Heyya!
[She kicks Fry in the face and he groans and falls over. Joey
Hey where's Blotto? He should be here
learning the trade.
[Bender peers in through the doorway.]
[Cut to: Ship's Corridor. Bender opens his chest cabinet and
turns a voice modulator knob from "Robot" to "King," making him
sound like a posh snob.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. Bender wanders in.]
Sorry I'm tardy old bean, I was just
enjoying a rather tasty watercress sandwich.
Hey. He's more classy than I realised.
Tie up the prisoners.
Capital idea old sport.I say, get
the hell off me!
[Leela leans over to Fry.]
(whispering) That guy sounds familiar.
[Bender puts a bucket over Nibbler and brick on top. He stands
up and his antenna hooks onto Leela's patch and pulls it off.]
My word, what have we -Uh, nothing
to see here old girl.
Hey boss, this here crew list lists
a robot on this crew here.
Alright. I want you to find him and
plug him. Then unplug him.
[Fry and Leela gasp.]
I got a little surprise in store for
that guy. The clamps! Eh?
[He laughs and turns to leave.]
Uh wait, old...spice. Let me have a
go at this mechanised chap. I can be
quite the rough customer.
[He walks out.]
[Cut to: Ship's Corridor. He disappears into his and Fry's quarters.]
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit.]
(whispering) Oh no, poor Bender.
[The sound out metal smashing metal comes from the quarters.
The real Bender laughs.]
[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Quarters. Bender sits reading Somewhat
Fantastic Sci-Fi. He hits himself on the head with a frying pan.]
(fake voice) ...Take that you twit.
(normal voice) No! Stop it!
[The tape starts to rewind and Bender hits the machine with the
frying pan, breaking it.]
[Ship's Cargo Bay. The Mafiabots have installed a linkway from
the Planet Express cargo bay to theirs. Bender carries the last
crate towards the linkway.]
That's the last of 'em.Alright now
let's Mafia things up a little.Joey,
burn down the ship. Clamps, burn down
[Bender runs back in and talks like he's from New York.]
Uh, hey Donny, baby, gimmie a chance
here huh? Yous guys skidaddle. Let me
take care of the doity woik.
Hey, I like your attitude. And your
latest accent. Keep it up and I might
just get you your own pair of clamps
[He pats Bender's cheek and leaves.]
(muttering) He's gonna get clamps? Clamps
[Cut to: Ship's Cockpit. The Mafiabot ship flies away. Nibbler
squeaks from under the bucket. Fry and Leela are still tied up.]
Leela, we may not have much time left......so
let's spend all of it reminscing about
Bender. He was like a big computer than
ran on magic.
[Bender sits down, ties his arms up behind the chair and clears
Uh, help! Help!
Yes I am. Having just this minute regained
I've got an idea. Hold still.It's
about to break, yes, yes!
[Bender's arm drops off.]
Yeah it broke alright
[Outside Planet Express. Leela has crashed the ship into the
tower, making the building look more like Planet Hollywood than
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. The crew are all assembled.]
I'm telling you, Leela was cool, she
was in command, and when she kicked
people it hurt. It really hurt.
Well, this is the big moment. It's finally
time to take my patch off.
I'll handle the snipping. Afterall I
do have the proper equipment.
[He ignores his claw and uses some scissors to cut the patch
off. Leela sees a shape come into view and gasps.]
I think it's Blotto. That gangster I
saw when my patch fell off.Professor?
Where were you at 10pm last night?
Where am I now?
[The doorbell rings and Bender goes to answer it.]
[Outside Planet Express. He opens the door and gasps when he
sees Tinny Tim.]
So they sent a helpless child to kill
me? Well I'm not going out without a
[He kicks Tinny Tim's crutch away and he hops around without
Fine kick sir. But I'm actually here
to deliver your cut from the cigar heist.
Oh sweet legal tender!Kid, tell the
Donbot I'm quitting organised crime.
From now on I'll stick to regular kind.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The ship is back in the hangar.
Bender sits down with a cigar in his mouth. He takes the cash
out of his chest cabinet. Fry sighs.]
It's funny Bender. With you sick and
Leela blind only I know what really
went on out there. Maybe someday I'll
tell you the whole story.
And maybe someday I won't listen.
[He starts to eat his cash again.]