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ACV: Как Гермес получил назад своё повышение | How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove BackАвтор сценария: Bill Odenkirk
Режиссёр: Mark Ervin
"HOW HERMES REQUISITIONED HIS GROOVE BACK"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: As Foretold By Nostradamus.]
[Planet Express: Hermes' Office. Hermes takes a form out of the
Finally, the last form of the day. Welcome
to stampy-town. Population - five!
And now for the finishing touch.Ah,
the cycle of bureaucracy.Sweet gorilla
of Manila! A letter from the Central
Bureaucracy!(reading) Attention Hermes
Conrad, you are about to recieve a letter
from the Central Bureaucracy.My God!
It's from the Central Bureaucracy!
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry and Bender sit on the couch with
their feet up watching TV. Enter Leela.]
I'm having a poker game tonight with
some friends from my old cryogenics
job. You guys interested?
I don't know. I only gamble with chumps.
Leela, Fry, robot. No matter what it
is you're doing tonight, I'm available.
We're playing poker. but I'm warning
you, my friends are serious players.
Bah, big shots. I say let the dice do
[Time Lapse. A green card table has been set up in the middle
of the room. Leela rips open a packet of Crudités and pours a
powder onto the table. She adds water and a plant grows from
the powder and drops things like fruit and pretzels onto a tray.
Enter Hermes humming.]
Wow, you look happy. Is someone fired?
Better. The Central Bureaucracy is conducting
an inspection tomorrow. I'll finally
be promoted to grade 35, the 35th highest
grade there is.
[He starts to walk out the other door.]
Hermes, wait! We're having a poker party.
Stay and whip off a batch of your famous
Sorry. I spent all day putting my office
in order. Now I got to go home and relax
the traditional Jamaican way - a glass
of warm milk and good night sleep.
Jamaican? I thought you were some kinda
outer space potato man.
[The doorbell rings.]
Ah that must be my old boss.
[Planet Express: Entrance. Leela opens the door. Enter Ipgee
in his cryogenics uniform.]
Hello Leela, you're fired.
I'm sorry but it's just that you're
over a year late for work at this point.
[Enter Terry and Lou in their lab coats.]
Let the games begin!
[Planet Express: Lounge. The poker players are sat around the
So I told Leela, "Your request for a
date is most flattering but I must decline."
These office romances never work out.
Afterall, that is how I met my horrible
[Everyone except Leela laughs.]
But you never wore your ring. I didn't
know you had a wife.
And my wife doesn't know I have a job.
I keep my personal and professional
C'mon, let's deal. You'll have plenty
of time to talk when you're poor.
[He puts on some shades.]
What's with the specs Bender?
They're my lucky shades. I stole them
off some lucky guy while his lucky seeing
eye dog was taking a whiz.
[He takes the deck from Ipgee, puts them in his mouth, shuffles
them and deals them by spitting them out around the table.]
[Four of his cards are stuck in an apple he is holding. Bender
spits one more card at him and it cuts off the fork in his hair.
Zoidberg fumbles with the hand he is dealt.]
I can't spell anything with these cards.
[Time Lapse. The game continues and Zoidberg has lost the shirt
off his back. Bender on the other hand enjoys a winning streak
as he wears Zoidberg's shirt and has a few piles of chips in
front of him. He hums.]
Finally, I have a good claw. See?Three
human females, a number and a king giving
himself brain surgery.
It doesn't matter how many human females
you have, Bender's on a hot streak.
Uh, what can I say? Must be my lucky
shades!Nothing, nothing, crap, crap,
garbage.Read 'em and leak saltwater!
My baby's milk money!
[Bender takes his winnings and chuckles.]
Oh I am broke. What will I tell my horrible
If I were you I'd be more worried about
that tapeworm going to town on your
[He starts to shuffle the pack again.]
Let me see those glasses.
[Bender chokes on the cards and spits them out. Terry and Lou
[Ipgee takes the glasses and looks through them.]
Oh my various gods! X-Ray specs!
[Bender scoops up his winnings and starts backing away from the
Guys, I swear those are prescription.
I need them for reading stuff - on the
other side of stuff.
[He walks back towards the door and backs into Zoidberg.]
Break his neck!
No don't hurt him! He's my best friend!
[Bender pushes him over and legs it.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Corridor. Bender stops outside Hermes'
office, hides inside and closes the door behind him. Ipgee, Terry
and Lou follow him.]
[Outside Planet Express. The next morning Hermes walks into the
building, changes the sign from "Closed" to "Opening Soon" to
[Cut to: Planet Express: Corridor. Hermes walks towards his office
and opens the door. Files and papers fall out.]
Great cow of Moscow!
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hermes' Office. The room is a wreck.
Electrical things sizzle, filing cabinets are overturned and
papers are littered around the room. Bender is in pieces. His
head pops out of his body.]
Uh, it was ghosts! Big ones! And a tornado!
Oh! I'll never pass inspection now!
They'll bust me lower than a limbo stick
- at carnival time.(crying) And that's
as low as limbo sticks get.
[Fry puts his hand on Hermes' shoulder.]
Aw hey c'mon don't worry. We'll watch
you clean up.
It's too late. The inspector will be
here in exactly one second.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Corridor. The door opens and a woman
wearing a dark green suit walks in. Her hair is in a tight bun
and she wears glasses.]
Who the hell are you?
Morgan Proctor, bureaucrat grade 19.
Hermes Conrad, bureaucrat grade 36.
[They exchange papers and stamp them.]
Enough friendly banter. Shall we begin
This way please.
[He ushers her into his office.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hermes' Office.]
Jeez Hermes, you seem awfully calm about
Don't worry. I have a plan.
[Planet Express: Attic Balcony. Hermes stands on the railings
around the balcony.]
I'm going to jump!
[The crew look up from street level.]
Do a flip!
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]
Don't do it Hermes! You have so much
to live for!
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony.]
Farnsworth (shouting) ...Other people need it you know.
[At street level LaBarbara's car screeches to a stop.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]
Outta my way wife...!
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony.]
...I wasn't cut out to be a bureaucrat
anyway. I'm only anal 78.36% of the
time. I'm not worthy to stamp a form.
So I'll stamp the pavement with my flabby
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]
...If you complete your death transaction
with out filing a suicide and/or falling
accident permit, you will be posthumously
[Cut to: Planet Express: Attic Balcony.]
Life. Death. Either way I'm demoted
to a tiny cubicle.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Hermes sits at the table shaking.]
Sweet something of...of someplace.
As your superior I hereby relieve you
of duty. Consider yourself on paid vacation.
Oh! The ultimate penalty.
I recommend the health cure on Spa 5,
the sauna planet. Here, read.
[He hands a leaflet to LaBarbara.]
Spa 5? Is it good?
Oh, it's wonderful! I don't know anything
about it but they send me a bucket of
krill for every patient I send.
Naturally I'll have to assign a bureaucrat
to fill in for Hermes while he's away.
I assign me, I accept, welcome aboard.
Then it's settled. Hermes will relax
and Zoidberg will eat! Hurrah!
[Planet Express: Morgan's Office. Morgan changes Hermes' name
thing so it has her name on it. Fry, Leela and Bender are with
I've been reviewing your corporate records.
Regarding last Monday's delivery, why
did it take twice as long as scheduled?
Fry got his head stuck in a crater.
I thought it would fit.
[Morgan scribbles something down on a piece of paper.]
And during this period of head-crater
interaction, what were you doing?
[She points at Bender.]
Martini drinking contests with the autopilot.
I would've had him this time but we
ran out of olives.
I can explain.
You really think you can explain how
you left port without a full compliment
of olives? I think not.
What is this, high school?
[Planet Express: Locker Room. Morgan opens Leela's locker. There
is a small purple bag on the top shelf and Leela's green jacket
is hanging in the bottom. The zip is halfway up the coat. Or
halfway down. Depends how you view life.]
Why isn't this jacket in alphabetical
The zipper. It should be at the bottom.
[She pulls it down and closes the locker. She opens Bender's
locker. On the shelf is a nut. She picks it up and shakes her
Hey, sometimes a guy gets lonely.
[Morgan closes his locker and opens Fry's. Loads of empty cans
fall out and Slurm dribbles over them. Some socks and a blernsball
cap fall out too and flies buzz around the pile of rubbish. Morgan
steps back and looks horrified.]
I - I've never seen anything like this.
Why is there yoghurt in this cap?
Uh, I can explain that. See, it used
to be milk and, well, time makes fools
of us all.
You are all dismissed. Fry, I will speak
to you alone.
[Fry gasps as Bender and Leela walk out and Morgan locks the
Uh wait, this is the other Fry's locker.
I'm Phry with a "Ph."
[Fry gasps and pushes Morgan away.]
What the hell's going on? I thought
you were anti-dirty not pro-dirty.
[She pushes him against the lockers.]
I'm surrounded by neat freaks everyday.
There's nothing kinkier to me than a
filthy slop-jock like you!
[She kisses him again then moves away and puts her glasses back
Now listen you filthy pig. No-one can
know about us. If anyone asks I'll deny
Just like very other girl I've dated.
[Outside Spa 5 Fitness Camp. From outside the building looks
like a pleasant fitness spa with nice trees and a sunny sky.
The sign indicates it is recommended by Dr Zoidberg.]
[Spa 5 Fitness Camp. A woman keeps everyone fit and healthy...]
[The fitness camp is a huge mine. People there looking to get
healthy chip away at the walls of the mines. LaBarbara peddles
on a bike which powers a conveyor belt and carries away everything
the miners chip off the walls.]
Curse that Dr Zoidberg! If I get out
of here, he'll be looking down the business
end of a shrimp fork!
[An Australian guy dressed in a vest and a hat turns around.]
Give him one for me too mate. I don't
know why I go to him.
[A laser bolt flies past the two and hits the mine wall.]
[They work harder.]
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Morgan, Farnsworth, Leela, Fry
and Bender are sat around the table.]
...and for those six and a half reasons,
I am demoting Leela to co-pilot.
Co-pilot? Under who?
Mr Bender you are now in charge of co-ordinating
the Professor's bodily functions.
[Bender suddenly stops laughing.]
That's a full time job.
And Fry, as for you, I am promoting
you to executive delivery boy. You will
no longer go on deliveries and you will
have your own office next to mine.
[He stands up and looks at Leela for a high five. She doesn't
respond. He turns to Bender. He doesnt respond either.]
Mr Bender would you high five him so
we can continue this meeting?And on
the rebound?Meeting adjourned.
[Planet Express: Fry's Office. Fry has his feet up on his desk
and drinks a can of Slurm. He burps and wipes his mouth with
I can't figure why she's so nice to
She's a hateful monster this Morgan.
She scolded and hit me. I tell you she's
risking my friendship with her.
[Enter Bender covered in mud and twigs.]
Bender, what happened to you?
Morgan made me walk the Professor. There
we were in the park when suddenly some
old lady says I stole her purse. I chucked
the Professor at her but she kept on
coming. So had to hit her with this
purse I found. Ah, the point is it's
Morgan's fault. That pencil pushing
scazwag.Why if she were here I'd -
Uh oh is she behind me?
[He feels behind his head.]
No. I'm in front of you!
[Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. The doorbell rings and Fry answers
it. Morgan is there.]
Morgan? It's 3am.
[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Apartment.]
I know. A skunk knocked over my garbage
and suddenly all I could think of was
you.My God, it's so...repulsive.
So uh, this is where you eat?
Eat and sleep.
[He pulls the sheet away.]
[She kisses him and pushes him onto the bed.]
Uh wait, Bender's my rooommate. He could
be back any second.
Not likely. I ordered him to flush out
the Professor's earwax.
[She takes off her glasses, pulls her hair out of the bun and
starts unbuttoning her suit.]
[Cut to: Robot Arms Apartments Corridor. Bender approaches his
apartment holding something and walks in.]
[Cut to: Fry and Bender's Apartment.]
Hey Fry, I made you a candle with -
What the?Oh now I see! Now I get
it. Now the pieces are falling into
place. The office, the promotion, that
dwarf in my book club who steals my
opinions.It's all coming together
[Outside Robot Arms Apartments. Morgan zooms off in a taxi.]
I must say this opens my eyes! Another
case closed my dear Watson.
Morgan, come back! He's stuck in a loop!
For I was blind but now I see!
[Outside Planet Express.]
BENDER [FROM INSIDE]
The cat's out of the bag now!
[Cut to: Planet Express: Fry's Office. Bender leans back in a
chair with a cigar in his mouth.]
Mr Bender about last night. that was
just a...a misunderstanding.
Oh you didn't understand? Well let me
explain. You......were having sex with
[He points at Morgan.]
No. You see, a bureaucrat of my rank
isn't supposed to fraternize.
That's what makes it so juicy. Its the
forbidden fruit angle everybody loves.
First I'll say "You'll never guess who
saw Fry and Morgan doing it!" and they'll
say "Who Bender, who?" and I'll say
"It was lovable......old Bender."
[Morgan has put something in the back of his neck. A 3.5" disk
comes out of the back of Bender's head and Morgan takes it.]
Hey, what did you do to him?
I downloaded his brain. Everything that
is Bender is right here. His mind, his
memories, his in-your-face interface.
But, but...Bender need brain...for...smart
making!What did you do now? Stop doing
I sent the disk to be filed at the Central
Bureaucracy. I did what I had to do
Fry. He was a bad robot.
No, he was a bad friend. I want him
back right now.
Then you should have filed a request
20 years ago.
I'm sick of you and your bureaucracy.
[He slides everything off his desk. Morgan grins.]
Dirty boy! Dirty boy!
[She dives on him.]
[Time Lapse. Morgan is gone and the rest of the crew are there.]
You and Morgan were having an affair?
I couldn't help it. She loved me because
of the part of me that's a slob and
I loved her because of the part of me
Poor Bender. Without his brain he's
become all quiet and helpful. We've
got to go to the Central Bureaucracy
and get that disk back!
Oh yes we must, yes.
[There is a long pause.]
[Everyone looks around trying to think.]
Well, those arguments aside, we're still
You can't just waltz into the Central
Bureaucracy. It's a tangled web of red
tape and regulations. I've never been
but a friend of mine went completely
mad trying to find the washroom there.
Then we'll need a guide. Someone who's
been there before.
Oh I've been there. Lot's of times!
[He laughs insanely.]
[Spa 5 Fitness Camp. Hermes watches the Australian guy pushing
a mining cart.]
Look at that. The carts go out full
but they come in empty. It's criminally
But don't you see? They could increase
efficiency 4% if they used the empty
carts to haul in heavy mining machinery.
[He pulls a chain and a huge drill head falls into Australian
Guy's cart. He grumbles.]
[Outside Central Bureaucracy. The building is a huge white cube
with "Central Bureaucracy Est. 2159 A.D. License Pending" engraved
on it. The queue to get in snakes back for miles. Fry, Leela,
Farnsworth, Amy and Bender join the end of it behind an old man
with a Methusala-like beard.]
Man, how long is this gonna take?
I'm still waiting on my birth certificate.
Well it doesn't look like I'll make
it inside with the rest of you. Uh but
good luck. Just leave me where I drop.
[The queue moves backwards.]
Oh great, someone had a baby!
Come on, I have a better idea.
[Time Lapse. The crew are right outside the building now. Leela
talks to a grade 53 bureaucrat.]
Excuse me? We're from the Planet Express
delivery company. We're here to deliver
[The bureaucrat laughs.]
Looks like we've got a new office cut
[He opens a door and the crew walk inside.]
[Cut to: Central Bureaucracy Corridor. The corridors are lined
with thousands of filing cabinets and message tubes snake around
overhead with red tubes flying through them. A bureaucrat screams.]
Look out, look out! I'm going to crash
my slow-mobile! I had to swerve to avoid
[He slowly heads for a pile of boxes.]
While you're crashing, could you tell
us where all these canisters end up?
Oh you want Central Filing.
[The grateful crew walk on.]
GRADE 41 (SCREAMING)
[He eventually hits the pile of boxes and they wobble.]
[Time Lapse. The crew ask a grade 20 for directions.]
Central Filing? Of course I know where
that is. I'm a grade 20.
Where is it?
I can't tell you. What do I look like?
A grade 16?
[A red tube lands next to Leela. She sighs.]
We're getting nowhere slowly. Here,
I'll address this to the Central Filing
room.Then we'll track it using my
[She sends the tube away and points her wrist thing around.]
Cold. Cold. Warmer. Hot hot hot hot
[Time Lapse. The crew run through a dark corridor following the
message tube. A huge metal door in front of them starts to close.
They duck under it and Leela drags Farnsworth through. Bender
walks straight through it leaving a Bender-shaped hole.]
[Time Lapse. The crew pass a sleeping Beholder-like creature
from Dungeons & Dragons. Bender walks into it. It wakes up, growls
and starts shooting blue lights from the things on it's head.
The crew walk out and the Behold - another bureaucrat shouts
Please don't tell my supervisor I was
[Outside Central Filing. The crew stop outside the door.]
This is it. We'll just run in, grab
Bender's disk and run out. Got it?
[The crew nod in agreement. Leela opens the door and everyone
[Cut to: Central Filing. The message tubes all converge in the
middle of the room and there are tens of thousands of red tubes
in a huge pile. The room towers so high into the air that there
is a bi-plane flying around the clouds near the ceiling.]
We'll never find that disk will we Bender?
You're right. Nothing is over so long
as there's one thin ray of hope.
Lost something?I should have known
you'd come here rather than follow proper
procedure. And I did know. And that's
why I came here.
Listen Morgan, We're through, you're
an evil heartless woman and I never
wanna see you again. However would you
help us get Bender back for old times
[Morgan points at the pile of red tubes.]
I'm afraid he's lost in the master in
pile. And it would take some sort of
giant mechanical atomic powered sorting
machine to find him.
[On another level of Central Filing Hermes and LaBarbara spin
around in a swivel chair.]
Dammit Hermes, just jump already. Stop
hogging that healthy liver.
No, I want to live. Organising that
forced labour spa rekindled my lifelong
love of bureaucracy.
My Hermes got that hellhole running
so efficiently that all the physical
labour is now done by a single Australian
But how did you know we were here?
Dr Zoidberg brought us.
It was me, I'm the hero!
[The bi-plane flies past Zoidberg and stops next to the crew.
The wings are a desk and behind it a small man sits.]
Request for explanantion of incident
[The bureaucrats gasp and duck behind their desks. Morgan gasps.]
Number 1.0, I hereby petition you for
an emergency sort-and-file, under regulation
2 point -
[Number 1.0 waggles his finger at Hermes.]
Don't quote me regulations. I co-chaired
the committee that reviewed the recommendation
to revise the colour of the book that
regulation's in. We kept it grey.
Sir please, I must located the disk
with my friend's brain on it.
Very well. But your bureaucratic licence
will be revoked if you fail to sort
the master in pile by closing time.
[Leela looks up at a clock. It is 12:56pm.]
That's only four minutes from now.
[Hermes takes off his jacket.]
Requisition me a beat.
[Number 1.0 turns on some music and Hermes slides down a tube
into the in pile.]
(singing) When I was born there was a hurricane in Kingston Town
With a foot and a half of water.
Everyone was alright but I cried all night
It blew my alphabet blocks out of order.
And they said "This boy's born to be a bureaucrat,
Born to be all obsessive and snotty."
I made my friends and relations file long applications
To get into my 10th birthday party.
[He scoops up some red tubes, slides down a tube and drops them
into some filing cabinets. LaBarbara pop up from one of them.]
But something changed when my man turn
I was sortin' but I wasn't smilin'.
[He throws a tube to LaBarbara and she catches it.]
He forgot that it's not about badges
It's supposed to be about the filing!
[He jumps onto Number 1.0's desk and starts juggling the tubes.]
We didn't choose to be bureaucrats,
No that's what almighty Jah made us!
We treat people like swine,
And make 'em stand in line,
Even if nobody paid us!
[He dives off the desk into the pile of red tubes.]
They say the world looks down on the bureaucrats,
They say we're anal, compulsive and weird.
But when push comes to shove,
You gotta do what you love,
Even if it's not a good idea! [He slides down the pile and throws
the red tubes around the crew like a knife thrower.] Zoidberg!
They said I probably shouldn't be a
They poo-pooed my electric frankfurter.
They said I probably shouldn't fly with
just one eye.
[A tube hits her in the eye.]
[Hermes inserts a message tube and Bender bends it sending the
red tubes flying off in a different direction. Hermes rips off
his shirt revealing a grooby Jamaican shirt underneath.]
Everybody sing Jamaica!
[He limbos under the flying tubes.]
Just the bureaucrats, Jamaica!
The grade 19s!
[Morgan looks around and reluctantly joins in.]
[Hermes starts a conga line with the bureaucrats.]
Sing me home!
When push comes to shove,
You gotta do what you love,
Even if it's not a good idea!
[He picks up a red tube, takes Bender's disk out of it and throws
it into Bender's head. Bender's personality reactivates.]
I'm Bender baby, please insert liquor!
[The crew cheer Hermes.]
Congratulations indeed but you finshed
with one second to spare so I'm demoting
you. A good bureaucrat never finishes
[He changes Hermes' badge from 36 to 38.]
That's OK Hermes. At least we have you
Not yet you don't. I'm still acting
bureaucrat of Planet Express. And I
have some changes to make. First, Fry,
you're fired. Second -
Not so fast! When I was sortin' I came
upon a certain document filed by one
Morgan Proctor.Form B: Notification
Of Romantic Entanglement.
That's right, she fraternized me!
That form isn't about you. It refers
to my high school prom date. It was
a regulation date that ended in regulation
Yes but you only stamped it four times!
[He slaps the paper down on Number 1.0's desk and the bureaucrats
gasp. Morgan is horrifed and steps away from the desk.]
No! No! I was young and reckless.
[Number 1.0 looks at the form.]
Bureaucrat Conrad you are technically
correct - the best kind of correct.
I hereby promote you to grade 37.And
as for you. (shouting) Guards!(talking)
Bring me the forms I need to fill out
to have her taken away!
[He takes off in his desk and flies away.]
Well, it looks like I'll be needing
my heroic bureaucrat back. At severely
reduced pay of course.
[The crew cheer.]
It's better than nothing!
What about me? Can I come back at severely
You got it mon! In fact, severely reduced
pay all around!Come on wife, let's
blow this joint!
[She jumps on and they kiss and hover off somewhere.]
Now it's time for my song! (singing)
When I was two there was a tidal wave