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Чушь! Полная чушь! Принесите мне пакет с фекалиями снежного человека или заткнитесь! (169)
ACV: Биклоп для двоих | A Bicyclops Built For TwoАвтор сценария: Eric Kaplan
Режиссёр: Susan Dietter
"A BICYCLOPS BUILT FOR TWO"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: This Episode Has Been Modified To
Fit Your Primitive Screen.]
[Outside Planet Express. The Mailbot pushes the mail through
[Cut to: Planet Express: Entrance. Nibbler barks as the letters
come through the letterbox. They hit him and he runs away scared.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Meeting Room. He runs in, runs around
the table and is trodden on by Farnsworth who has just come through
Good news everyone! Several years ago
I tried to log on to AOL, and it just
went through! Wheee! We're online!
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew climb into what looks
like some VR suits.]
Go ahead! Get into these net suits.
I designed and tested them myself.
[Leela sniffs her glove.]
It smells like burning recess monkey.
Really? I guess when you're around it
all day you stop noticing. Off you go.
[He presses a button and the crew disappear into the web.]
[Cut to: Outside Internet Browser. The crew have turned green
and are holographic.]
[He puts his arm through himself and laughs. He ties his arms
Behold! The internet!
[He presses the enter button and a white light engulfs the crew.]
[Cut to: Internet Browser. The crew stand on a Tron-like clifftop.]
My God! It's full of ads!
[The ads caw like birds and dive at the crew á la Alfred Hitchcock's
The Birds. Amy and Zoidberg scream as the ads flutter around
them. Hermes limbos out the way of one. Leela kicks the No Way
and No buttons on the ads. One chases Bender around. Another
flies at Fry and wraps itself around him. Leela pulls him free.]
[The rest of the crew follow her and they fly off the clifftop
towards the internet.]
It's got every piece of information
anyone could ever want.
[Fry sees the porn sites.]
So I see!
[He flies down to the porn sites and Bender and Hermes follow
What? What's going on here?
[He sees a sign advertising Sardine On Mackeral Action, warbles
and flies towards it.]
[Time Lapse. The crew wander around the porn infested internet.
Amy sees a site called Amy Wong Naked. She pokes her head through
Hey, that's me!
No it isn't. I just took some pictures
of your face and stuck them on someone
[Leela sticks her head into the website.]
[Outside Adult Chatrooms. The crew join the queue. At the front
of the queue several underage kids dressed as adults go in.]
Are you over 18?
[A baby spits its dummy out, gurgles and walks in.]
I'm telling you Fry they've got a chatroom
for everybody. And here it is.
[He and Fry walk into a Filthy Filthy Chatroom.]
Ew, that is so gross!
Yeah. I'll stick with this one thank
[They walk into a plain ordinary Filthy Chatroom.]
[Filthy Filthy Chatroom. Bender looks around chuckling. He pulls
down a menu and selects a sexy nurse disguise. He taps a man
on the shoulder.]
Hi, I'm a naughty nurse and I really
need someone to talk to. 9.95 a minute.
Ooo, you're a dollar naughtier than
[He hands "her" some cash and Bender pockets it.]
So how 'bout them Knicks?
[Filthy Chatroom. Amy sits at a bar and a man makes a winky smiley
face at her. She groans.]
Hello? Are there any girls in this room
Yeah, bring on the hot chicks 'cause
I'm a hot stud.
So are we!
[Leela pushes her way to the centre of the crowd.]
I'm a woman if that's what you mean.
I don't like to play games so I'll
just say I'm a cyclops, I'm a spaceship
captain, I'm the only one of my species
and I'm interested in meeting a man.
A woman. I'm scared.
[Internet Browser. The crew fly away from the chatrooms.]
Well, thanks to the internet, I'm bored
with sex. Is there a place on the web
that panders to my lust for violence?
Is the space pope reptilian?
[Outside Death Factory III. The crew walk towards a colluseum-like
Get ready for fun Fry. Nowadays we have
a type of game played entirely on video.
We call it a "video game."
Uh, "video game" you say? Well golly
gee, you mighty spacemen of the future
will have to show me how it works.
[Death Factory III. Fry has pretty much got the hang of the game.
He runs around the death factory, laughing and dodging machines
and shooting lasers from his fingers. He rolls under some squashy
things, shoots some crates, shoots Donkey Kong and swings away
on a rope. Amy shoots at him but misses. He shoots back and she
shatters like glass. Another nerd shoots at him and Fry shoots
back and shatters him. Hermes puts his finger to Fry's head but
Fry leaps into the air, spins around and shatters Hermes. Bender
and Leela shoot at him. Zoidberg slides down a rope chasing Fry
The doctor is in!The doctor is out.
[He shatters. Farnsworth's head appears in the game.]
Everyone please sign off, we have a
delivery. Plus I have to use the phone
-Leela please tell the others that
[She shoots him. She kicks Bender into a machine and goes through
the workings á la Modern Times. He comes out the other end like
a slinky. He rolls down some steps and into some boiling lava.
Farnsworth appears again and before he can speak Leela and Fry
shoot him. Fry shoots at Leela but misses. She shoots back and
he ducks behind a machine. Leela folows him warily. Someone backs
into her and she screams and turns around. It is another cyclops.]
Who are you?
I saw you in the chatroom but you left
before I had a chance to talk to you.
After all these years of searching for
I can't believe it. I've dreamed of
this moment all my life.
Do you think perhaps you and I - ?
[Fry shoots and shatters the Cyclops. He laughs and ducks behind
Fry, you idiot. Ever since I was abandoned
on Earth I've been searching for who
my people are and where they come from.
Then I finally meet another Cyclops
and you blast him. You wrecked my one
chance to learn who I am.
[Fry slowly walks behind the machine, finger at the ready.]
Oh Leela. I feel terrible. If there's
anything I can ever do -Gotcha!I
won! I'm the greatest!
[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Everyone else has
taken off their netsuits. Fry is still in his, jumping around
and laughing like an idiot.]
Come on. We have worked to do.
[She pulls his goggles away and snaps them back.]
[Ship's Cockpit. Leela doesn't speak to Fry.]
Are you still mad at me for wrecking
your once in a lifetime chance to learn
the meaning of your existence?
No, I'm just happy you were able to
win a video game. Now lets concentrate
on getting this desperately needed popcorn
to the people of Cineplex 14 OK?
[The video screen comes down from the ceiling.]
Leela, you've got mail.It's not spam!
CYCLOPS [ON SCREEN]
To: Leela. Subject: Hello. I am Alkazar.
Fortunately I wrote down your screenname
before I was dispatched by that oaffish
Kicked your ass!
ALKAZAR [ON SCREEN]
Leela we have much to discuss. Please
come join me on the planet of your birth.
[Some co-ordinates appear on the screen and the email ends.]
Too bad we gotta make that urgent popcorn
[She thinks about it and pulls a lever.]
It'll get there.
[Cut to: Outside Ship. The cargo bay hatch opens and a crate
of popcorn flies out. She ship turns around and flies away. The
popcorn crate explodes and forms a spiral of popcorn.]
[Ship's Steps. The ship has landed on Planet Cyclopia, the door
opens and the crew look at the planet. Ruins of a city with vines
climbing them greet them.]
After a whole life of searching I may
finally have found where I belong.
Too bad it's a dump.
[Cyclopian Surface. Leela, Fry and Bender make their way through
the vines and arrive in the middle of a city.]
Look at that statue. It's only got one
Welcome home Leela.
[She turns around. He is standing on a baclony.]
Alkazar?Are you real? Or am I seeing
[She pokes him in the eye.]
Ow! Of course I'm real!
After all this time. Somebody else with
one eye who isn't a clumsy carpenter
or, uh, a kid with a BB gun.
It's alright Leela. You'll never be
alone again.Let me introduce you to
yourself.Do you mind if your servants
Not at all!
[The lizards pull them away. Bender steals the crown from the
top of the statue and chuckles.]
We are the last remaining Cyclopses.
Our planet is Cyclopia. This is our
capital, Cyclops City. Stop me if I'm
going too fast for you.
[Leela looks around.]
There's so much information and yet
somehow I feel as if I know it all already.
This sacred mosaic depicts our goddess
[The mosaic looks like Botticelli's The Birth of Venus.]
Hmm, you got any sacred artwork of her
from the back?
Her perfect eye reminds me of yours
Leela. Had our race survived, you would
have been a temple priestess or a supermodel.
Oh please! Really?
[The carriage moves on. Bender takes the jewel from the middle
of the mosaic eye.]
[Time Lapse. Alkazar shows them another statue.]
And there's the pirate Purple Beard,
scourge of the six seas.
What's over that hill?
The Forbidden Valley. A holy sancturary
where no one may tread.
Is that anything like a cemetary 'cause
I gotta take a leak.Ow!
Fry, that's offensive to our people.
[He nods and she slaps Fry again.]
[Outside Alkazar's Castle.]
This is my home. I hope you don't think
less of me because I live in a giant
Oh no not at all. If anything, I'm more
[Cut to: Alkazar's Castle. He throws open the doors. The castle
is full of jewels. Bender's eyes zoom in.]
Ooo! I'm gonna need to make some room!
[He opens his chest cabinet and takes out a goldfish bowl, a
toaster, and another two goldfish bowls.]
[Cut to: Alkazar's Bedroom.]
In here's where I dream my lonely dreams
and cook my simple meals.
It's all so sad. What happened to our
[Alkazar looks at her and moves over to the window and looks
out. A tear trickles down his face.]
Its too painful to speak of now. Come,
I'll show you your quarters.
[They leave. Bender sees a sword on the wall, checks no one is
look and swallows it. The sword is a little too long and Bender
can't walk properly. He clanks as he walks out.]
[Leela's Quarters. It is the middle of the night. Leela hears
Alkazar crying and wakes up. She gets up and goes out to him.]
[Cut to: Alkazar's Balcony. Leela puts her hand on his shoulder.]
I heard you from my room. What's wrong?
It's just - no Leela. I don't want to
see tears in your perfect eye.
Please, is it bout the fate of our people?
Because I'm very interested in that.
Well OK. But it's chilly and you're
going to be all wet from the tears.
Let's go into my chamber.
[They walks inside.]
[Alkazar's Bedroom. Leela and Alkazar are sat on Alkazar's bed.
Alkazar tells the story.]
[Flashback. Cyclops City is a thriving community with families,
fountains and buskers.]
ALKAZAR (VOICE OVER)
It wasn't long ago. Our people were
happy and prosperous...
[The flashback cuts to a dark planet with rocky terrain and lots
of large molehills.]
ALKAZAR (VOICE OVER)
...but the eyeless mole people of Subterra
3 grew jealous of our visual proness.
They fired missile in all directions
hoping to hit Cyclopia.
[A mole man presses a button and several hundred missiles are
launched from the planet.]
ALKAZAR (VOICE OVER)
Unfortunately, one of the 40 planets
hit, was ours.
[On Cyclopia a Cyclopian scientist looks through a telescope
at the sky.]
How far away do you think it is?
A trillion miles?
[The missile lands right behind them and explodes.]
Things got hot. You look a little hot,
you can take off that jacket.Our people
don't like to be hot. Anyway, just before
[Flashback. In a Cyclopian hospital a doctor delivers a baby.]
ALKAZAR (VOICE OVER)
Our smartest scientists managed to save
[The doctor puts the baby in a rocket and the parents wave it
Alkazar, I used to be a baby, it might
have been me!
[Flashback. Cyclops City is in flames.]
ALKAZAR (VOICE OVER)
Fortunately I was employed as a pool
cleaner at the time and when I emerged
from retrieving a dead possum, I found
I was the only one left.
[Alkazar sees the flames, screams, and falls to his knees in
a very overdramatic way.]
It's so tragic.
Yes, but the real tragedy is that our
race ends with us.
It doesn't have to.
What do you mean?
You're a male and I'm a female.
I'm still not following you.
[She pushes him onto the bed and kisses him.]
[Time Lapse. Morning has broken. Leela and Alkazar are in bed.
Alkazar is asleep. Leela wakes up.]
Wake up my king.
[Alkazar wakes up and coughs.]
Oh jeez what a night. Make me some coffee
[He puts his head back on the pillow.]
Uh, sure OK. What do you take with that?
Pancakes and sausage. Kitchen's in the
basement, pans are in the attic.
Maybe after breakfast we can talk about
rebuilding our civilisation.
[Alkazar snores loudly.]
[Alkazar's Dining Room. Fry and Bender eat with Leela and Alkazar.
Fry eats a pancake.]
Mmm! Great pancakes Leela!
Yeah they'll come in handy if I need
to cover any tiny manholes.Listen
hun, we don't want to look like slobs
in front of the other species do we?
So get to work on these dishes. And
then organise my collection of naked
celebrity photos by name and what you
Call me Al.
Look Al. I know you've been living alone
a long time and I can sympathise but
I'm not your maid.
You're right, I'm sorry. It looks like
the relationshipisn't going to work
afterall. So much for the Cyclops race.
I thought it was a pretty good race
[Leela gets up.]
OK OK, I'll do the dishes.Hey where'd
[Bender walks out clanking...]
[Outside Alkazar's Castle. Fry and Bender watch Leela pegging
out the washing.]
Ah, Leela's experiencing the greatest
joy a woman can feel: Worshipping some
He may be some lowlife jerk but I don't
trust him. I think he's hiding something
and I'm gonna find out what it is.
[Outside Forbidden Valley. Fry strolls up to the gate and reads
the No Trespassing sign. He laughs.]
Try and stop me!
[He hops over the gate and a trap door opens underneath him and
he falls down a deep hole.]
[Alkazar's Living Room. Alkazar is sat on a couch staring at
a TV. Enter Leela dressed up like Peg Bundy from Married...With
Al? I did my hair the way you wanted
it.Who are these people?
[There is a pig, a rat man and a rat woman sat on another couch.]
Hey, where'd you get this couch and
that TV set and all this stuff?
They were giving it away on the street
corner. Just like you Leela.
[Alkazar's friends cheer and hoot.]
Too bad they weren't giving away the
three things you actually need: Mouthwash,
a back wax and stain-proof underwear.
You go girl!
By the way your pal Fry fell into the
dungeon. Feed him a taco so he doesn't
die and stink up the place.
Come on Al, can't you let the little
Jeez Leela, twice in one day? I'm not
[The rats and pig cheer widly. Leela leaves.]
[Outside Dungeon. Leela crouches down to a little barred window
which Fry is behind. He eats his taco.]
Why were you sneaking into my people's
'Cause I think Alkazar's hding something.
Listen Leela, you may not like it, you
may not believe it, you may not wanna
hear it but Alkazar's a jerk, he's bad
for you. He -
Fry if it's obvious to you with your
learning disability then of course it's
obvious to me! He's crude and gross
and he treats me like a slave.
Then dump his one eyed ass.
I can't. If I leave Alkazar then that's
the end of the Cyclops race. And I won't
let that happen. Even if that means
a lifetime of unhappiness.
[A toilet flushes.]
[The pig and rats hoot.]
I'll break up with him at dinner.
I'll be there.
[Time Lapse. Fry is at dinner. The table is right next to his
Yo Leela, what gives? Pig says your
slop tastes like crap.
Yeah, like crap.
[Fry tugs Leela's leg.]
C'mon Leela you deserve better than
this guy! Dump him already!
[Alkazar taps his glass.]
Hey everyone jam a sock in your spit
faucets.Not long ago I spent my lonely
nights renting slash flicks with Rat
Man and his girlfriend. But then a beautiful
woman arrived and - stop eating pig!
And she brought new hope for me and
our once great civilisation. Now a million
centuries of Cyclops destiny depend
on the answer to one question......Leela,
will you marry me?
Yes! I Will!
[The table applauds. Alkazar and Leela kiss. Rat Woman elbows
They're getting married!
[Rat Man looks surprised.]
[Outside Alkazar's Castle. A limo pulls up and Amy, Farnsworth,
Zoidberg and Hermes climb out.]
Oh this is great!
[Pre-Wedding Chug-A-Thon. Everyone helps themselves to the buffet.
Leela puts a decoration on top of the wedding cake of a Cyclops
woman buffing a Cyclops man's shoes. Fry attracts her attention.]
Pst, Leela. you've got to get me out
of here. It's horrible, eating scraps,
letting my waste drop wherever it falls
like an animal in the zoo.
Animals go in the corner.
The corner! Why didn't I think of that?
Look Fry I'd like to help you but it's
my wedding and I'm kind of busy.Here,
try to be happy for me. That way at
least one of us will be.
[Cut to: Dungeon. Leela walks away from the window.]
That's it! It's time for this bird to
[He hits the bottle against the door trying to get it open. The
cork flies out of the bottle, out of the dungeon and hits the
door release button. The door opens. Fry laughs and tip the bottle
over his head. The door starts to close again. He screams and
scrambles through it.]
[Cut to: Outside Alkazar's Castle. Fry runs out and looks around.
Bender is leaning against a tree. Rope is holding his door shut
because its so full of stuff he's stolen. There is also a sack
next to him. Fry sees him.]
Bender come on. We've got to get some
dirt on Alkazar. Lets go and find out
what makes the Forbidden Valley so forbidden.
Uh no thanks I'm good.
But there's probably some cool forbidden
stuff you can steal.
I don't know Fry. For the first time
in my life I feel like I've stolen enough.
[Fry slaps him.]
Bender, snap out of it!
[And he does.]
Sorry I don't know what came over me.
Let's go.(singing) I love stealing,
I love taking things!
[Wedding. Alkazar yawns. Hermes plays a grooby version of Here
Comes The Bride and Farnsworth walks Leela up the aisle. Zoidberg
wipes his eyes.]
That pig over there is wearing the same
sandals as me.
[Outside Forbidden Valley. Bender and Fry ride Alkazar's lizards
towards the gate.]
Come on boy, jump!Good boy!
[Cut to: Forbidden Valley. Fry and Bender come to a clifftop.]
[They look out over the valley and gasp.]
My God! Four identical castles!
Each more identical than the last!
[Ruined City. Fry and Bender come to a statue similar to the
one in Cyclops City.]
That's weird. It's another Cyclops,
only this one has five eyes.
[Bender sees another Birth Of Venus style mosaic.]
And here's another one with no eyes.
[He takes the jewels from her eyes.]
Does anyone have a reason why this couple
shall not be joined in the irrevocable
shackles of holy bliss?
Saving a race of one-eyed monsters?
Who could object to that?
[Leela looks worried.]
Cut to the chase Preach!
Do you Alkazar......takethiswomanbeforeyou...tolove..insickness..do
Yeah sure I do come on faster!
Do you Leela, copy and paste his response
til death do you part?
[Leela looks around. Zoidberg waves, the rats and pig watch a
TV. She look sat Alkazar. He eggs her on.]
[Enter Fry and Bender on the lizards. Everyone gasps.]
Oh my God!
Hey Alkazar, you left somebody off the
[Enter a 5-eyed cyclops.]
Alkazar, why you are so late for our
wedding? And why you have only one eye?
It, uh, oo!Uh, hey sweetie, just go
back to the castle and wait for me.
She, she's nuts, I can morph into a
5-eyed alien and I kinda said I'd marry
her. But I'm really a Cyclops and I'm
really going to marry you.
Oh yeah? Then what about this?
[Enter a rhino woman named Sandy. Alkazar morphs.]
This is a bit awkward.
Who are they?
Go back to the castle Sandy.
And maybe you'd like to meet her.And
[Enter another thing. Alkazar morphs into each of them and eventually
morphs into all five at once.]
Leela, this must all be ver confusing.
A little. That's why I've decided to
hurt you until you explain it.
[She kicks him. 5-Eyes pushes him back, Leela kicks him again.]
Show us your real form!
[Thing #1 screeches.]
[Sandy picks Alkazar up and throws him and Leela kicks him into
a table which collapses under him. Everyone gathers round. He
crawls out. He looks like a grasshopper.]
Well, this is the real me. But I can
explain. We all have needs. Mine was
to make it with five weirdos and have
them scrub my five castles. I gave you
all what you wanted and of course I
made a few bucks letting Pig watch through
the two way mirror. Can any of you sa
you wouldn't have done the exact same
thing in my position?
He's a saint!
But why did you have all five weddings
on the same day?
Hey lady, you got any idea how much
it costs to rent a tux that changes
Alright Alkazar, I just have one last
question for you.
If you can change form, why didn't you
change it in the one place that counts?
[Everyone cheers and hoots.]
[Ship's Cockpit. The ship flies away from the planet, with Amy
at the controls. Bender admires his sack of loot. Leela sits
on the arm of the couch with Fry and Farnsworth.]
Thanks for saving me from that creep
Hey, that's what I do.
I guess I was so desperate to find out
who I really was, I forgot who I really
No harm done. In the many decades you'll
work to repay me for that shipment of
popcorn you destroyed, you'll have plenty
of time to search for your true home.
[Leela gets up and stares out of the window.]
Yeah. I mean, how many planets can there
[She looks out into the vastness of space and the ship glides