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Оригинальные сценарии:

ACV: Меньшее из двух зол | Lesser of Two Evils

Автор сценария: Ken Keeler
Режиссёр: Chris Suave
FUTURAMA

Episode 211

"THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS"

By

Eric Horstead

Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



[Advertisment: Fry, Bender and Leela are heroes in an oval.]



ANNOUNCER
(voice-over) Futurama is brought to
you by......Arachno Spores! The fatal
spore, with the funny name!


[Opening Credits. Caption: The Show That Watches Back.]


[Planet Express: Lounge. A show called Cop Department is on TV.]




[Fry, Bender and Leela sit slumped on the couch. The coffee table
is filled with dishes, uneaten burgers and boxes of Chinese food.
On the TV is a dazed centipede-like alien with a blurred face.]



ALIEN [ON TV]
C'mon man, I didn't fire off no laser.



SMITTY [ON TV]
Then why is there a smoking hole in
your ceiling sir?


[The camera points to the ceiling.]


ALIEN [ON TV]
What? Crazy upstairs lady must've been
shooting down.


URL [ON TV]
Sir, you're on the top floor of this
particular domicile.


[The alien's wife walks in.]


ALIEN'S WIFE [ON TV]
You get thatcamera out of my house!



SMITTY [ON TV]
Just relax ma'am.Sir, sir, put down
the lamp.


[The alien smashes the lamp.]


ALIEN [ON TV]
OK. OK, I'm co-operating.


SMITTY [ON TV]
That's it, now put up your hands.


[The alien puts it's 20 hands in the air and URL moves towards
him, cuffs at the ready.]


URL [ON TV]
Nice and slow. Aww yeah!


SMITTY [ON TV]
And while you're at it, unblur your
face.


ALIEN [ON TV]
Aw man.


[He unblurs his face. It wasn't a TV effect!]


LEELA
Hey Bender, I thought you said you were
in this episode.


BENDER
Nah, this week I'm on Caught On Tape
3 because of what I did in the coffee
pot.


[Fry spits out his coffee. On the TV URL walks the alien out
of the building.]


ALIEN [ON TV]
I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. I'm just
going through some things.


[Smitty opens the car door but the alien head butts him and runs
into some bushes. URL lifts up a shoe.]


URL [ON TV]
I'm goin' in.


[The Cop Department logo appears on the screen.]



[The picture changes to a traffic-packed New New York.]



BENDER
(tense and impatient) Shut up and get
to the point!



[A woman looks around the street.]


WOMAN [ON TV]
It's like stepping back stepping back
into the year 2000!


[A cowboy riding a hover-moped and carrying a harpoon pulls up.
More cowboys follow him.]


COWBOY [ON TV]
Time for the mammoth hunt dudes!


[They ride off and start attacking a robotic mammoth on the streets.
It roars. A hot air balloon flies over head. Inside are actors
playing Albert Einstein and Hammurabi, an ancient king of Babylonia
who reigned around 2000BC, rather than AD.]


EINSTEIN
Let's disco dance Hammurabi!


HAMMURABI
Dy-no-mite!


[And they do. The Past-O-Rama logo appears on the screen, a play
on the title logo of an unpopular cartoon series from the early
21st century.]



LEELA
Sounds like your kinda place Fry. Wanna
go?


FRY
Nah. If I ever wanna go back to the
year 2000 I'll just freeze myself again.



BENDER
C'mon Fry, I really wanna see it. You
know how I yearn for a simpler time.
A time of barn dances and buggy rides,
before life was cheapened by heartless
hi-tech machines.


LEELA
But Bender you are -


[Bender hods his hands to his ear units and shakes his head.]



BENDER
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah blah...


[Outside Past-O-Rama. The place has a Disneyland-esque theme
to it and a slogan adorns a sign: "It's Da Boom!"]


[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. Bender, Leela and Fry walk around
the streets, crowded with other tourists. They pass shops such
as 47th Street Butter Churns, Iowa Bagel Co and a cinema playing
Star Wars 9: Yoda's Bar Mitzvah.]


FRY
Cool, it's just like the good old days!



[A man jumps Fry with a knife.]


MUGGER
Give me your wallet or I'll cut you!



[Fry laughs.]


FRY
Hey Leela, get a picture of me being
"mugged."


[He dangles his wallet in front of the mugger and Leela takes
a photo.]


MUGGER
I'll take the camera too.


[He takes it and runs out through an exit. Fry laughs until he
realises what has happened. He clears his throat.]


BENDER
Learning is fun.


[Time Lapse. Leela points at a screen with Dow: 11,107 on it.]



LEELA
Ooo, ancient Wall Street.


[The Dow drops to 7,539 and stockbrokers crowd around the windows
inside.]


STOCKBROKER #1
No!


STOCKBROKER #2
I'm ruined!


[They throw themselves out of the window. The Dow goes back up
to 11,108 and they fly back through the windows with jet-packs.]



[Time Lapse. The trio have joined a tour group. The guide is
dressed in old fashioned very pre-20th century American clothing.]



TOUR GUIDE
I direct your attention to this ancient
and mysterious tablet which has yet
to be deciphered.


[He points to a parking sign. Leela turns to Fry.]


LEELA
Do you know what it means?


FRY
Yeah I asked a cop once. It means "Up
yours kid."


[Bender puts his arms around Fry and Leela.]


BENDER
I gotta say I'm really enjoying the
day out with you people - Hey, a suicide
booth! So long suckers.


FRY
Uh, sorry Bender that's just a phone
booth.


BENDER
(disappointed) Oh.


LEELA
What were they used for?


FRY
In New York? Bathrooms.


LEELA
Oh. I-I'll be out in a sec.


[She walks into the phonebox.]


[Past-O-Rama XLIInd Street Subway. A guy with an afro stands
next to some graffiti on the wall that just says "graffiti."
On the same wall are two signs, one advertising "Learn Spanglish"
and the other advertising "Laser Tentacle Surgery" in AL1. Bender,
Fry and Leela stand by a turnstile.]


LEELA
(reading) Tokens only. (talking) How
does this work?


FRY
I'll show you.Whup.


BENDER
Ohh, it's a turnstile.


[He hops over it and Leela follows with some fancy vaulting.]



[Past-O-Rama Subway Train. Leela, Bender and Fry look around
the messy train car.]


LEELA
What's this?Another bathroom?


FRY
No, it's a mobile apartment with no
rent.


[He lies down on a seat and puts a newspaper over him. Bender
hits him.]


BENDER
C'mon Fry get up!


[Fry snarls like a grumpy homeless person and turns away from
him.]


[Past-O-Rama Street. They walk out of the subway and head elsewhere.]



[Past-O-Rama Tresures Of The Holy Tomb. The 20th century museum
seems to be themed on Ancient Egypt. Leela reads a tour leaflet.]



LEELA
Wow! The burial chamber of the 20th
century's greatest spiritual leader
- Al Sharpton.


[Bender looks at a glass case of jewellery.]


BENDER
Wow. Now this guy had taste!


LEELA
It says he was mummified in ceremonial
vestments.


FRY
We sometimes called it a jogging suit.



[Past-O-Rama Traffic Pavilion. Fry, Leela and Bender watch a
holo-film of a busy New York street, packed with cars.]


NARRATOR
(voice-over) They traffic jams of Old
New York were a public forum of free
interchange of opinions.


[In the holo-film the cars honk their horns.]




NARRATOR
(voice-over) It all started with Gerald
Ford's famous invention, the "automocar"
......which was powered by a tank of
burning fossils. Here we see a 20th
century assembly line where cars were
constructed by primative robots.


[A metal door goes up and behind it robots dressed like cavemen
bang car frames with clubs.]


ROBOTS
(chanting) Ooga ooga ooga ooga ooga
ooga...


BENDER
We've come a long way baby!


[The walkway moves on.]


NARRATOR
(voice-over) The fruit of the robots'
labour was this......the stately 1992
Latoura.


FRY
Hey, my girlfriend had one of those!
Actually it wasn't her's it was her
dad's. Actually she wasn't my girlfriend.
She just lived next door and never closed
her curtains.


LEELA
Fry, remember when I told you about
always ending your stories a sentence
earlier?


FRY
C'mon, let's sneak in for a closer look.



[He peers in through the car's window. A man dressed in medieval
clothes stands behind him.]


MAN
Sir, we don't touch the antiques sir.
You - oh!I'm sorry. You work here.
I should have realised from that ridiculous
getup you're wearing.


FRY
Hey! This is from Miller's Outpo - uh,
I mean, yeah, I work here alright!



[The man hands him some keys.]


MAN
Here, move this rust bucket outside
behind Saint Koch's cathedral.


[He moves away but takes one last look at Fry and laughs.]


[Cut to: Car. Fry and Bender climb in the front and Leela sits
in the back.]


LEELA
Did you drive much in the 20th century
Fry?


FRY
Nope.No one in New York drove. There
was too much traffic.Nice! Listen
to that baby purr!


BENDER
There's a baby in there huh?


[Fry looks in behind him, in the rear-view mirror and behind
him again.]


FRY
It's just like riding a bicyc -


[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Traffic Pavilion. The car lurches forward
and smashes through the wall.]


[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. The three scream as the car speeds
past people and cuts up a taxi being pulled a rickshaw driver,
with a couple sat on the roof. The car mounts the pavement and
they carry on screaming.]


[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Theatre. 26 dancebots can-can to a packed
theatre hall. The car ploughs through the wall and drives across
the stage, cutting off the dancebots' legs. The dancebots fall
to the floor.]


[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. The car spins out of control past
a three-card-monté-bot and finnaly crashes into something and
comes to a stop.]


[Cut to: Car. The airbags inflate in the front and the three
groan.]


BENDER
I think I got whiplash.


LEELA
You can't have whiplash, you don't have
a neck.


BENDER
I meant ass whiplash.


FRY
I'm just glad we hit something. I thought
we'd never stop.


[He opens the door and gets out.]


[Cut to: Past-O-Rama Street. Bender and Leela get out too. There
is a huge smoking dent in the front of the car. The trio gasp.
The thing that made the dent was another bending unit. It is
Bender's exact double, except for a goatee. The bending unit
rubs it's ass.]


BENDING UNIT
Ow! I think I got whiplash.


[He falls unconcious.]


[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry, Zoidberg, Leela and Hermes impatiently
pace around the room while Bender casually sits on the couch
reading a magazine. Fry looks at a clock. 6:24. 6:25. Enter Farnsworth
and Amy, wearing masks and work aprons. Farnsworth holds a blowtorch.]



FRY
How's that robot I ran over?


[Farnsworth lifts his mask.]


FARNSWORTH
We did all we could.


[Fry gasps.]


FRY
You mean he's -


FARNSWORTH
Good as new? Yes.


[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The crew are assembled in
the room.]


FARNSWORTH
Leela, Zoidberg, the rest of you, this
is Flexo.


[He points to Flexo who is sat on a worktop.]


HERMES
Sweet llamas of the Bahamas! Except
for that stylish beard, he looks just
like Bender!


[Flexo hops off the worktop. His voice is exactly like Bender's.]



FLEXO
No duh dreadlock, we're both bending
units.


BENDER
Hey brobot, what's you serial number?



FLEXO
3370318.


BENDER
No way! Mine's 2716057!


[They both laugh. Fry joins in then stops.]


FRY
I don't get it.


BENDER
We're both expressable as the sum of
two cubes.


[Flexo cheers and they high five.]


FRY
So uh, Flexo. Sorry about crushing your
body like that. You OK now?


FLEXO
Well I don't feel as bad as you look!
Nah I'm just messing with you kid.
You're alright. That's some face you
got though, I think they got a cream
for that.Nah, you're great.


FRY
Well just let me know if there's anything
I can do to make it up to you.


FLEXO
Actually your little stunt did a number
on my back. You mind rubbin' it for
me?


FRY
Uh...sure.


[He starts rubbing Flexo's shoulders.]


FLEXO
Aw yeah, that's it. A little lower.



[Lower.]


FRY
How's that?


FLEXO
Lower. Yeah that's it. A little lower
though.


FRY
Uh I can't get any lower than this.



FLEXO
I'll say, you're rubbing my ass!


[He and Bender burst out laughing and high five again.]


[Outside Electric Ladyland Laptop Dances. A robot advertises
what is inside.]


ROBOT #1
Hey, check it out here, six beautiful
devices. They know what you like and
they'll do it to within a tolerance
of one micron!


[Electric Ladyland Laptop Dances. In the smokey strip club a
Fembot does a fan dance with real fans.]


ROBOT #2
Yeah spin those fans baby!


[Another robot dog whistles.]


ROBOT #3
Alright mama!


ROBOT #4
Gyrate baby!


[Flexo and Bender smoke cigars. Fry coughs.]


FRY
I don't like this place. It's 120 degrees
and there's very little oxygen.


BENDER
Shut up and hoot.Hubba-hubba, she
is built! In Mexico I believe.


FLEXO
And that ain't silicon. It's tungsten
- and plenty of it!


FRY
(unsure) Uh, yeah. Look at that exhaust
fan.


FLEXO
Eww!


BENDER
Pervert.


FLEXO
Yoo-hoo!


[He waves a dollar and puts it into the stripperbot.]


STRIPPERBOT
Thanks moderate spender. Please select
erotic transaction.


FLEXO
Yeah, how 'bout a lapdance for my pal
here?


[The stripperbot moves towards Fry.]


FRY
Uh, no, that's alright.Ow! Ow!


[Planet Express: Meeting Room. The next morning Fry sits at the
table with a plaster on his head and holding an icebag to it
and wearing a neck brace.]


FRY
I'm telling you there's something about
Flexo I don't like.


[Enter Flexo and Bender.]


FLEXO
Hey Fry, think fast.Get it? It's chlorine!



[He and Bender laugh and leave. Zoidberg laughs.]


ZOIDBERG
It's funny because it's poisonous!



FRY
Yeah keep laughing brineshrimp but he's
bad news. I regret ever running him
over.


HERMES
Take a rage dump man. He's no worse
than Bender.


FRY
He's much worse. He drinks, he smokes
and he posts naked pictures of me on
the internet.


AMY
That's Bender alright.


FRY
I'm talking about Flexo.


LEELA
Oh I get it, this is cute. You're jealous
of Bender's new friend!


FRY
No I'm not. Mark my words. Flexo's evil.
He's the evil Bender.


HERMES
Rage dump!


[Farnsworth appears on the big screen.]



[Everyone looks around in confusion.]


[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Bedroom. Farnsworth sits on his
four-poster bed while the crew and Flexo are gathered around.]



FARNSWORTH
Everyone get in bed with me. I have
something to show you.Feast your eyes
on this!


[Everyone gasps.]


LEELA
It's beautiful.


AMY
And huge.


FRY
Can I touch it?


[Behind the curtains Farnsworth holds a big glowing atom.]


ZOIDBERG
So what is it already?


FARNSWORTH
It's a single atom of jumbonium. And
element so rare, the nucleus alone is
worth more than $50,000.


BENDER
How much more?


FARNSWORTH
100,000. That's why I hid it here. Under
my mattress.


LEELA
Uh Professor, can we discuss this somewhere
else?


FARNSWORTH
Why certainly.


[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Bathroom. Farnsworth sits in the
bath still holding the atom a toy scale model of the Planet Express
ship floats in the bath with him.]


FARNSWORTH
The atom sits atop this dime stored
tiara which will be awarded to the winner
of this years Miss Universe pageant
on the planet Tova 9.Your job is to
deliver it, safe and sound.


AMY
Wow, when I was a little girl on Mars
I dreamed of being Miss Universe.



LEELA
That's kinda pathetic.


AMY
Aw come on Leela. Deep down all girls
wanna be Miss Universe.


LEELA
Not me.


AMY
Really? Maybe it's just cute girls.



FARNSWORTH
Due to the atom's tremendous value,
Planet Express would go bankrupt if
it was stolen. Therefore we'll need
to hire on additional security for the
mission.


[Flexo raises his hand.]


FLEXO
Oh oh Mr Professor, right here!


FRY
Uh, maybe we should stick with people
we know and trust. I mean, Flexo's great
but -


FARNSWORTH
Flexo's great you say? Well that's good
enough for me.Welcome aboard lad.



[Flexo cackles.]


[The ship speeds away from Earth en route to Tova 9.]


[Cut to: Ship's Cargo Bay. Leela puts the atom in a transparent
safe and locks it. She turns around, holding a laser.]


LEELA
Space banditos have been operating in
this quadrant so you'll each take 8-hour
shifts guarding the safe. First Bender,
then Flexo, then Fry.


FRY
Wait, I don't like the sound of that.
Let's just go alphabetically.


LEELA
OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.



FRY
Wait, let's go by rank.


LEELA
OK. First Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.



FRY
Flexo outranks me?


FLEXO
That's "Flexo outranks me, sir"!


[He pokes Fry. Then some more.]


[Time Lapse. Bender's shift has started. He stands with his laser
poises, rotating his head around. The cargo bay door opens. Enter
Fry. Bender points the laser at him.]


BENDER
Halt. Who goes there?


FRY
Don't point that at me.


BENDER
Fry who?


FRY
Look, I know Flexo's your friend but
I don't trust him alone with the atom.



BENDER
My God Fry just 'cause the guy's got
a beard you label him as evil? Well
I got a label for you pal. An ugly little
word called "prejudice."


FRY
I'm not prejudiced.


BENDER
Ah save it for the cross burning Adolf!



[Time Lapse. Fry is gone and Bender sits with his feet on the
safe reading Pentiumhouse magazine. Enter Flexo.]


FLEXO
Keeping an eye on the safe?


[Bender puts down the magazine. He only has one eye.]


BENDER
You know it!


[He points at his other eye sitting on a crate the other side
of the cargo bay, watching the safe.]


FLEXO
Well, looks like it's my shift. You
lie down and go offline for a while.



[Bender yawns.]


BENDER
Alright.


[He picks up his eye and walks out the room whistling. The door
closes behind him and Flexo laughs as he looks at the atom. Fry
jumps out from behind a crate.]


FRY
Caught you!I saw you looking at the
atom!


FLEXO
So? I look at lots of atoms. Shouldn't
you be resting up for your shift?



FRY
Oh-ho you'd like it if I went to sleep
wouldn't you?


FLEXO
Whatever it takes to shut your yapper.
Nah, I'm just kidding you, you're a
joker.


FRY
Yeah well here's a funny joke. I'm gonna
sit right here till it's my shift.



FLEXO
Suit yourself skinbag.


FRY
That I will.


FLEXO
Good.


FRY
Good.


FLEXO
Good.


FRY
Good.


FLEXO
Good.


FRY
Good.Good.


[Time Lapse. Flexo sits with the laser, bored, while Fry paces
up and down. Fry's watch beeps.]


FRY
Well, that's eight hours.


[He snatches the laser from Flexo.]


FLEXO
Yeah eight hours of solid boredom.
Nah, I'm kidding, you're a wonderful
man.


[He leaves and Fry sits down.]


FRY
Finally, the atom is safe.


[He falls asleep immediately.]


[The ship flies towards Tova 9.]


[Outside Miss Universe Pageant. The ship lands on a landing pad
near a sign informing people that "Contestants May Not Exceed
More Than 50% Implant."]


[Cut to: Ship's Cargo Bay. The ship shakes as it lands and Fry
wakes up. He screams. The safe is broken and the atom is gone.
Leela runs in.]


LEELA
What is it?My God! Did you hear maracas?



FRY
No.


LEELA
Then it wasn't space banditos.Bender,
lock down the ship, don't let Flexo
escape.


[Behind her Bender is wearing a blue scarf around his neck.]



BENDER
Aye aye captain. It appears that Flexo
has outwitted us all. Especially me...Bender.



[Time Lapse. Leela and Fry look at the broken safe.]


LEELA
How could Flexo have stolen the atom?



FRY
He must have used a sleep ray on me.
Sleep rays exist in the future right?



LEELA
No.


FRY
Then I must've fallen asleep.


LEELA
Well you were sure right about Flexo
being evil.


[Bender peers around the doorway, the bottom of his face and
his body obscured by the wall.]


BENDER
I locked down the ship but he may have
already gotten away.


LEELA
OK, thanks Bender. Let's fan out and
look for him.


BENDER
Roger that, I got a map of the ship
right here.


[He walks into full view carrying a big map that hides his body
and lower face. Leela walks over to him and whispers to him.]



LEELA
(whispering) Keep an eye on Fry. We
can't rule out the possibility that
he did it.


[Ship's Medical Lab. Leela sneaks in with her laser at the ready.
She flicks on the lights and positions herself by a cupboard
marked "Emergency Supplies."]


LEELA
Aha!


[She opens the cupboard but all that is in there is a clown suit.]



[Leela's Quarters. Fry snoops around by a chest of drawers.]



FRY
Aha!Uh searching...hmm.


[Enter Leela.]


LEELA
Fry? Why are you looking for Flexo in
my underpants drawer?


FRY
I didn't find him here 10 minutes ago
so I thought it was time to check again.



[Leela slaps his hand. Bender walks in with the map covering
him again.]


BENDER
Well, he wasn't in the uh, kitchen room.



FRY
(suspicious) Say Bender, can I hold
that map for a second?


BENDER
Any leave me high and dry in case of
a scavenger hunt? I think not.


[Fry starts pulling at the map but Bender holds onto it, with
it still covering his face.]


FRY
Give it up!


[They struggle for a bit and Fry eventually pulls it away, revealing
Bender to be wearing his green turtleneck that covers his chin.]



BENDER
Alright, take it. Sheesh.


[He leaves. Fry eyes him suspiciously.]


[Ship's Cargo Bay. Leela and Fry inspect the safe again.]


LEELA
Well, looks like Flexo got away clean.



[Bender is stood behind Fry wearing another scarf.]


BENDER
It's a darn shame.


LEELA
He must have jumped ship with the atom
the second we landed.


FRY
Or maybe, he never left at all!Wait
a minute. You're Bender.


BENDER
Of course, who said I wasn't?


FRY
But why were you wearing that scarf,
that turtleneck and this fruity number?



BENDER
It's a little thing called "style."
Look it up sometime.


[He puts the scarf back on.]


[Outside Miss Universe Pageant. A screen advertises the Miss
Universe pageant tonight and the Miss Parallel Universe pageant
tomorrow. Flexo runs into the building laughing evily.]


[Miss Universe Pageant. Inside, the finalists are lined up, all
of them grotesque monsters. Bob Barker's head in a jar hosts.]



BARKER
Our ninth finalist, Miss Methane Planet;
Halatina Smogmeyer.And our tenth and
final finalist, Miss Earth's Moon, the
Crushinator.


[The Crushinator rolls in and crushes some shoes.]


CRUSHINATOR
(mechanical voice) Thank you Bob Barker,
I'm as happy as a girl can be. End statement.



BARKER
Which one of these lovely womanoids
will take home the lovely tiara?


[From the side of the stage Leela peers around the curtains and
gestures to Barker.]


LEELA
(whispering) Downplay the tiara.


BARKER
Uh, we'll find out after these subliminal
messages.


[Bob Barker's Dressing Room. The Planet Express crew are with
him.]


BARKER
So you lost the atom huh? You're garbage,
human garbage! Do you braindead space
jockeys have any idea how much that
thing is worth?


FRY
100,000?


LEELA
200,000?


BENDER
200,001?


[Barker looks at Leela.]


BARKER
You're closest without going over.



FRY
Well, we'll be leaving now. If you'll
just sign this form saying you received
the atom.


BARKER
I'm not signing squat. You find me that
damn tiara before the pageant ends.



LEELA
But Mr Barker -


BARKER
Enough out of you. I may be against
the fur industry, but that won't stop
me from skinning you alive! As long
as no one wears the skin.


[A woman wheels him out.]


LEELA
Well gentlemen, it appears we're boned.



[Flexo wanders past the open door.]


FRY
Flexo!


LEELA
Get him!


[Cut to: Miss Universe Pageant. Miss Unnamed Planet #2859-B plays
the William Tell tune on a bugle. She stops and takes her hands
away revealing the bugle to be her nose. The judges give their
scores. Florp from planet Trisol gives her an 8, Calculon gives
her a nine and Zapp Brannigan holds up a "Room 715" sign and
shakes the keys to the room sexfully.]


BARKER
Next up in what is generously called
the "Talent Competition," performing
a traditional gangster rap, Miss - what
the?


[Flexo runs onto the stage followed by Bender, Fry and Leela.
The women scream and Bender dives on Flexo.]


BENDER
Got you!


[They get up and try punching each other, each moving exactly
the same way and getting nowhere.]


WOMEN
(chanting) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!
Fight!


[Leela points a laser at the two robots. They have their hands
at each others throats, covering any suspicious goatee that might
help tell them apart.]


BENDER
Shoot him, he's choking me!


FLEXO
No shoot him, he's choking me!


[They struggle and beads of sweat trickle down Leela's face.]



LEELA
I don't know which one to shoot.


FRY
Flexo! Shoot Flexo!


[Bender and Flexo fence each other using their antennas and they
break through a wall.]


[Cut to: Miss Universe Dressing Room. The Miss Universe contestants
run away screaming, covering themselves with towels. An Amazonian
seperates them.]


AMAZONIAN
Women only room!


[She lifts them up.]


[Cut to: Miss Universe Pageant. The jellyfish creature Zoidberg
hooked up with in A Flight To Remember is in the middle of her
rap. Bender and Flexo fly out through the hole in the wall and
knock her over. They cover each others chins again.]


LEELA
Alright, enough of this.There's the
atom!


BENDER
Aw jeez.


FRY
Bender? You stole the atom?


BENDER
Yeah but I can explain, it's very valuable.



FLEXO
I saw him snatch it while Fry was asleep.
That's why I ran to tell Bob Barker.



FRY
Whoa whoa, you mean Bender is the evil
Bender? I am shocked, shocked! Well
not that shocked.


LEELA
I'm sorry we suspected you Flexo. It's
just, what with the beard and all.



FLEXO
Don't even bother. You people sicken
me. I put my life on the line to guard
that atom and this is how you repay
me? Well you can go rot for all I care.
Nah, I'm just kidding, you guys are
alright.


[He walks off laughing.]


FRY
I'm so confused. The Bender I liked
turn out to be evil and the Bender I
hated was good. How can I live my life
when I can't tell good from evil?



BENDER
Eh, they're both fine choices, whatever
floats your boat.


[He takes out a cigar and smokes it.]


[Miss Universe Pageant Backstage. Bob Barker reads a book the
woman is holding. URL and Smitty drag Flexo in behind him.]



URL
Is this the guy?


BARKER
Huh? Oh yeah, that looks like him. Whatever.



FLEXO
Wait, but I -


BARKER
Take him away.


[Miss Universe Pageant. The contestants are all lined up ready
for the winner to be announced.]


BARKER
Alright, let's put an end to this pathetic
hoedown. Brannigan read the thing.



ZAPP
And the winner is...


[He starts to open the envelope. Leela, Fry and Bender watch
from the side of the stage.]


LEELA
It figures. Who else but Zapp Brannigan
would be judging the most chauvinistic,
degrading, dehumanising -


[Zapp turns around.]


ZAPP
Huh? Leela?


[Everyone applauds and a spotlight moves to Leela.]


LEELA
Wait, you're making a -Ooo! Look at
that.I feel like a princess.


[She starts to cry and walks on the stage and waves to the applauding
audience.]


ZAPP
Wait. What are you people, idiots? I'm
still going mano a mano with this envelope.
Miss Vega 4.(singing) There it is,
Miss Universe. There it is, looking
weird.


[The tiara sinks into Miss Vega 4. Fry, Leela and Bender watch.
Leela sighs.]


LEELA
I almost had that tiara.


BENDER
Me too.


FRY
Well, you guys might both be losers
but I just made out with that radiator
woman from the radiator planet.


LEELA
Fry, that's a radiator.


FRY
Oh.Is there a burn ward within 10
feet of here?


THE END


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