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Я люблю эту самодовольную женщину из плоти и крови и, что неудивительно, она любит меня. (385)
ACV: Почему я должен быть влюблённым в ракообразное? | Why Must I Be a Crustacean in LoveАвтор сценария: Eric Kaplan
Режиссёр: Brian Sheesley
"WHY MUST I BE A CRUSTACEAN IN LOVE?"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Opening Credits. Caption: From the network that brought you
[Planet Express: Lounge. An advertisement plays on TV. A plumberbot
reaches down a toilet with his arm and a jingle plays.]
Call Robo-Rooter when you flush your
... And we can also help with an impacted
[He whirls his hand around.]
[Fry and Bender sit on the couch. Bender drinks back beer while
Fry eats something.]
Mmm. Mmm! Now this is what I call a
thousand years of progress: A Bavarian
creamdog that's also self-microwaving!
[He presses a button on the side of the creamdog and it microwaves
itself, as well as Fry's face, which is left with black scorch
marks. He takes another bite. Bender tip his empty bottle upside-down.]
Aw, jeez. Let's just pray I have the
energy to get myself another beer.
Oh, what is this? The Middle Ages?
[He just about manages to move under the stream of beer. Enter
Amy and Leela in gym gear.]
Look at you guys. No offence, Fry, but
you've become a fat sack of crap.
[Fry licks some cream off his finger.]
And, Bender, your beer belly's so big
your door won't even close. And that
doesn't even make sense.
Come on. We're taking you pigs to the
[Enter Zoidberg wearing a vest and sweatbands around his head
The gymnasium? Excellent, excellent.
For some reason I'm frisky as a squid
[He clacks his claws.]
[Outside NNY Dumbell Club. Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy and Zoidberg
walk into the gym. A sign in a gym window advertises "New - Windowless
Rooms For Ugly Exercisers".]
[Cut to: NNY Dumbell Club. They pass some gym patrons, including
a six-legged alien on a running machine, a woman using a Kegelcizer
and a punch bag with arms and gloves repeatedly punching Larry
in the stomach.]
Hey, who's up for a nice hot steam?
[Zoidberg shakes his head.]
We crustaceans don't like steam. I'm
going to go work out with the Nautilus!
[A nautilus appears behind him with a basketball.]
What up, Dr. Z?
Yo, yo, yo! Whassup whassup! Give up
[The Nautilus passes him the ball and Zoidberg runs off chuckling.]
[NNY Dumbell Club Steam Room. Leela, Amy and Fry relax in the
Co-ed steam rooms! I love the future!
Uh, Fry, you're in the womens' steam
Psst, look what life was like before
Those poor 20th century women.
[Fry crosses his legs, embarrassed.]
[Outside Steam Room. Amy walks out of the steam room with a towel
wrapped around her and sees a man in a steam machine.]
(sexfully) Hey, handsome. Is there room
in there for two?
[The man snorts.]
[The machine opens and there really is no room for Amy. The man
has a huge blubbery gut that has been forced into the shape of
the machine. He gets out of the machine and his gut falls back
into its natural shape. Amy shudders.]
[NNY Dumbell Club Weight Room. Fry lifts some weights. Enter
Hey, Leela, look who's the super-stud!
Hmm, somebody must have turned down
the gravity. I'll fix it for you.
[She turns the Gravistat from "Lo" to "Norm". Fry drops the weights
on his neck and starts to choke. Enter Zoidberg.]
Give me that. More weight!
[Leela and Bender put some more weights on the end. A big fin
comes out of the top of Zoidberg's head like The Creature From
The Black Lagoon.]
Hey, Dr. Zoidberg, what's that jazz
on your head?
Enough with the questions. More weight!
[He growls and his pupils go crazy.]
Maybe you could do more rips with less
[Zoidberg growls and cuts the dumbell. Amy and Fry scream and
fall to the ground.]
Hey, looks like Zoidberg's finally coming
out of his shell. Get it? He's coming
[Zoidberg gets up and knocks Bender over then runs rampage around
the room, knocking over equipment and people.]
[Cut to: NNY Dumbell Club Bike Room. People calmly pedal on the
exercise bikes. Enter a growling Zoidberg, making them peddle
faster, not really going anywhere.]
[Cut to: NNY Dumbell Club Pregnercise Pool. Randy leads a session
in the pool full of pregnant women.]
Nice and gentle, we don't want any unnecessary
stress. Is there a doctor in the gym?
I'm a doctor!
[Randy trembles and four more women give birth.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Zoidberg sits on the lab table
with his claws bound. The rest of the staff stand around him.]
I wonder why Dr. Zoidberg is acting
this way. Out of all of us he always
seemed the most normal.
I am normal. (sexfully) Amy, take of
these rubber bands and I'll show you
how normal I am!
[Amy's clothes have been ripped to shreds and her hair is a mess.]
Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool
me eight or more times, shame on me.
Maybe he has a parasite.
Maybe he is a parasite!
It's always so sad when a friend goes
crazy and you have to have a big clam-bake
and cook him! Yee-haw!
[He puts his chef hat on. Farnsworth walks past with a syringe.]
Now, now, this won't do. Let me just
give old Zoidy a sedative.
[He tries to poke the syringe needle into Zoidberg but it just
breaks on his shell.]
Ah, much better. You can take off these
rubber bands now.
I'll do it.
(simultaneously) No, Amy!
[Farnsworth puts a stethoscope on Zoidberg's head.]
Mm-hm... Oh-ho! Aha! There's the problem.
Give it to me straight, Professor. Is
it fin rot? It's fin rot, isn't it?
Tell me it's not fin rot!
Relax, my chiton-y chum. There's no
problem. You're just heavy with male
It must be mating season for Zoidberg's
people. A chaotic time when his behaviour
is dictated by the tiny brain in his
There's only one thing we can do...
I'll get the water boiling!
[He starts to leave, now wearing an apron with a lobster on it
as well as his hat.]
...We, by which I mean you, will have
to rush him to his ancient homeworld
which will shortly erupt in an orgy
of invertebrate sex.
Oh, baby, I'm there!
Fry, do you even understand the word
Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested
in. (shouting) Uh, no need to pack pants,
people. Let's roll!
Dr. Zoidberg said I should hold these
while he's gone.
[She holds up the rubber bands. The staff stare at her, gobsmacked.
Bender slaps his head in disbelief.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Zoidberg growls and the others
(from inside) Moron!
[The ship flies down to the sandy world of Decapod 10. Most of
the planets surface is water, with a few sandy island dotted
here and there. The buildings are made of sand.]
[Cut to: Decapod 10 Planetary Spaceport. The ships landing gear
extends and it skids along the sandy runway until it comes to
a stop in a parking space. The Fry, Leela, Bender and Zoidberg
walk out and are greeted by a Decapod man standing underneath
a banner that says "Welcome Maters!" The man puts a garland over
Zoidberg, whose fin has disappeared.]
DECAPOD MANM #1
Welcome home, old friend. Just 19 hours
until the mating frenzy!
[He points to a giant water clock that is slowly filling with
DECAPOD MAN #1
See you there Doctor--
[He says something in the Decapodian language.]
Is that how you say "Zoidberg"?
[The man runs off crying.]
You didn't have to call attention to
his speech impediment.
[Zoidberg's Car. Fry and Zoidberg sit in the front and Bender
and Leela in the back.]
You're looking less nuts, crabby.
I'm feeling less nuts, thank you, because
tomorrow I will be depositing my jelly
in the cloacal vents of a female. (sexfully)
If you catch my drift.
Who's the lucky lobsterina?
I don't know yet. But I shall attract
one this afternoon with an erotic display.
It's amazing that your people can fall
in love so fast.
Love? That word is unknown here. I'm
simply looking for a female swollen
with eggs to accept my genetic material.
You and me both, brother!
Ah, my old scuttling grounds! Let's
[He pulls over. Rather than a normal hover car, he is driving
a car with 10 legs along the sides.]
[Decapod 10 Surface. They look into a rock pool.]
I used to hang out here as a larva.
It looked so much bigger back then.
Who's the tough guy now, Vinnie?
[He eats it.]
[Claw-Plach Arena. Zoidberg, Fry, Bender and Leela look into
an arena where spectators watch two Decapodians fighting.]
Look! Outdoor theatre! Let's get tickets.
Oh, let's do!
No, it's the ceremony of Claw-Plach,
where my species fight to the death
over matters of honour. Also whether
abbreviations count in Scrabble. (angry)
I didn't come here to see any activity
involving two guys. Where do you people
do your erotic display?
Same place as your species: The beach.
[Decapod 10 Beach. Fry, Leela and Bender lie on sunbeds. Zoidberg
comes out of a male changing room wearing a grass skirt and a
How do I look?
Like whale barf.
Then the illusion is complete.
[He walks off, clacking his claws.]
Hey, I wonder if these guys are here
to watch the erotic display too.
[He points at a group of Decapods with cameras and binoculars.]
DECAPOD MAN #2
Aw, yeah! Aw, wow!
[Zoidberg puts a shell on a mound of sand.]
Perfect! This oughta make me stand out.
[Other men "craw" on the beach and women take interest. Fry chuckles.]
Look how ridiculous they look.
Please, he's no different from the rest
of you organisms; Shooting DNA at each
other make babies. I find it offensive.
[Another woman walks past Zoidberg.]
DECAPOD WOMAN #1
Keep your jelly away from my eggs!
[She walks off and another woman who sounds like Amy replaces
DECAPOD WOMAN #2
So not interested.
[She walks off and a third woman approaches Zoidberg.]
DECAPOD WOMAN #3
Hmph. I've heard that line before!
[Time Lapse. The sun is setting and the other Decapod men hold
their mates in their arms along the beach. Zoidberg doesn't.]
Cra-- Oh, what's the point?
[His fin goes back into his head and he sits down on the mound.
Fry, Leela and Bender watch.]
Why is Zoidberg the only one still alone?
'Cause he's a loser, that's why. He's
the lobster equivalent of Fry.
Hey! I can get any girl I want anytime
I want. I'm just too busy.
[He starts playing with a yo-yo and the string gets tangled.
He snarls and starts to untie it. Zoidberg sees another woman
and his fin goes up again.]
Edna?! Edna, it's me, Zoidberg. Remember?
From high school? You used to laugh
at me because my face was covered with
Zoidberg? Well I didn't know you were
back in town. I heard you went off and
became a rich doctor.
I've performed a few mercy killings.
So, as long as I'm in town I was wondering
if maybe ... craw?
Oh, gee, yeah, I'm just going through
a lot of things right now and-- Look,
Zoidberg, I carry more eggs than any
other female and I owe it to our race
to pick a mate who's stuffed with male
jelly. Maybe a rock star.
Or maybe a doctor?
I'm sorry, Zoidberg. You're just an
inferior male specimen. Nice seeing
[She leaves. Zoidberg's fin goes down and he sits and starts
[Ships Mess. Later that night, Zoidberg sits at the table and
the others stand around.]
(crying) No one will ever want to mate
with me, not with a puny claw like this.
Did you see those other guys? They looked
like giant claws with bodies attached.
At least you didn't smell as bad as
(crying) You're right, my stink gland
is weak. Smell!
[He forces her face into his armpit and she struggles and gags.]
Listen, Doc, if you wanna score you
gotta fake like you're in love. Just
look her in the eye, start crying and
say (fake crying) "I've never been so
[Leela takes her hand away and scoffs.]
If a guy ever did that to me I'd know
it. Wait a second. They've all been
doing that to me. Even Sean!
[She bursts into tears and runs out of the room.]
Hmm, this "love" intrigues me. Teach
me to fake it.
[Ships Rec Room. Fry has set up the room to look like a classroom.
On a board at the front he has written "First Date: Champagne,
Flowers, Lame Conversation". Zoidberg sits at a desk ready to
OK, you're on a date. What's the first
thing you do?
Ask her to mate with me.
No. Tell her she's special.
But she's not. She's merely the female
with the largest clutch of eggs.
Well, tell her that. And then?
No. Make up some feelings and tell her
you have them. Yes?
Is desire to mate a feeling?
You're not even trying!
[Zoidberg buries his head in his claws and groans.]
It's all so complicated with the flowers
and the romance and the lies upon lies.
OK, OK, don't worry. The love meister
will take you under his wing.
What? Now there's a bird involved?
[Outside Edna's Apartment Building. Zoidberg stands outside the
sand building and Fry hides under a giant shell with his back
to the building.]
OK, go ahead.
[Zoidberg throws an octopus at Edna's French window. She opens
it and walks out onto the balcony.]
What the--? Dr. Zoidberg, your mating
display failed. Why are you trying to
talk to me?
(shouting) I have no idea.
(whispering) You just wanna talk, it
has nothing to do with mating.
(shouting) I just wanna talk, it has
nothing to do with mating. (whispering)
Fry, that doesn't make sense.
Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense.
(whispering) Start with a compliment:
Tell her she looks thin.
(shouting) You seem malnourished. Are
you suffering from internal parasites?
Why, yes. Thanks for noticing.
(whispering) Now ask her how her day
Why would I wanna know?
(whispering) You wouldn't. Ask anyway.
(shouting) How was your day?
Well first I got up and had a piece
of toast. Then I brushed my teeth. Then
I went to the store to buy some fish.
Fry, look what you did, she won't shut
(whispering) That's normal. Just nod
your head and say "Uh-huh"
...And then you threw an octopus at
my window. You know, Zoidberg, it's
crazy but when you talk this way your
obvious deficiencies as a male seem
... less obvious. Your genes seem less
detrimental. You even stink more.
[Zoidberg looks at Fry.]
Do I ask her to mate now?
(whispering) Third date!
[Red Primate. At the restaurant that is "For The Land Food Lover
In You", Zoidberg and Edna are on a date, joined by Fry, Leela
and Bender. They sit around a table. Other Decapodians are eating
at other tables. Bender finishes telling a story.]
So I returned his artificial heart and
ever since then I've been known by the
name of Honest Bender.
[Everyone laughs and Fry slips Zoidberg a piece of paper.]
(reading) I'd like to propose a toast
to ... coat check number 84.
[He raises his glass.]
(whispering) Turn it over.
Oh, Edna! (reading) Of all the slimy,
gross crab monsters on this planet,
you are apparently the hottest.
[He raises his glass again. Edna, Leela and Bender glare at him.]
That's the most beautiful thing I've
Yes, well ... excuse me, I've got to
powder my mouth flaps.
[She gets up and leaves. Zoidberg sighs.]
Uh, me too.
[She runs after Edna.]
I'm confused, Fry. I'm feeling a strange
new emotion. Is it love when you care
about a female for reasons beyond mating?
Nope. Must be some weird alien emotion.
[Red Primate Women's Room. Edna powders her mouth flaps.]
Zoidberg said some dumb stuff but he's
a nice guy, really. It's just that Fry's
been telling him what to say and Fry's
a ... do you have idiots on your planet?
Fry? You mean words of such beauty came
from the blowhole of that hideous alien?
Yeah ... What? Look, never mind the
words. Zoidberg's a doctor. A doctor
[Edna's Apartment Building Corridor. Fry stands outside her door
and reads a message on a fish. "Fry - Let's discuss Zoidberg
- Edna." He drops the fish and it wriggles back into the water.
Fry rings the doorbell which sounds like a sonar beep.]
(from inside) Come in.
[She growls sexfully.]
[Cut to: Edna's Apartment. Fry walks in and looks around. The
room is decorated like a fish tank. Edna pulls open some curtains
and walks towards Fry. She is dressed in a dark blue teddy and
(sexfully) Hello, Fry. Can I interest
you in some surf and turf?
No thanks. I just came to tell you that
Zoidberg's really great. He's got male
jelly coming out the wazoo.
Well that is where it comes out but
jelly isn't everything. I know Zoidberg's
magical words were really yours. Teach
me to love you, squishy poet from beyond
[She runs towards him and he ducks behind the chair. She starts
edging towards him and he moves around the chair.]
Uh, I'm flattered, really. If I was
gonna do it with a big, freaky mud bug
you'd be way up the list!
Hush, you romantic fool! Engage your
mandibles and kiss me!
[She dives on him and they land on a couch. Her mouth flaps snake
around Fry's head and she kisses him. Fry struggles to get away.
Enter a smartly-dressed Zoidberg carrying flowers and champagne.]
Edna, I couldn't stand it any longer.
I-- (angry) Fry!
[He gets so tense his claws clip the bottle neck and it falls
to the floor and breaks.]
Dr. Zoidberg, it's not how it looks.
(angry) Her caviar is on your neck!
Oh, it's true, Zoidberg. We can't hide
it any longer. Fry and I have fallen
in love and we're going to mate tomorrow.
(angry) Fry! I challenge you to Claw-Plach!
[He clacks his claws.]
A fight to the death.
[He clacks his claws again.]
And if you survive, we'll make sweet
[She clacks her claws. Fry pulls on his hair and screams.]
[Decapod 10 Surface. Decapod guards hold Fry in chains and march
Fry to the Decapod Emperor's throne. Bender and Leela watch.]
The law is clear. Fry and Zoidberg shall
fight to the death for the claw of the
But I don't want her!
Once invoked, the sacred tradition of
Claw-Plach can not be taken back. It
is a recent tradition - only 18 years
old - but it is a tradition none the
[Claw-Plach Arena. Decapodians have filled the amphitheatre to
watch the fight. A Decapod child waves a big foam claw. Zoidberg
walks into the arena and the crowd cheers. The soldiers throw
Fry in and Zoidberg moves towards him with his claws at the ready.]
Get ready, Fry. I'm going to rip your
swim bladder out and show it to you.
[Leela leans over the edge of the bleachers.]
Dr. Zoidberg, this is madness. You're
(shouting) Of course I'm being irrational!
I'm in love!
Right, right. You have to stop this
Listen, lady, as you can plainly see
I'm a highly desirable male, groaning
with jelly. Yet I embrace a life of
celibacy in order to uphold our crazy
traditions. One of your friends must
Fate is cruel and unyielding and what
must be must be. (shouting) Takin' all
bets! I'm giving 9-2 on Zoidberg, the
crab with the jab! The Great Red Hope,
come on baby!
[Spectators wave their money at Bender. Zoidberg takes Fry aside.]
Fry, it's been years since medical school
so remind me: Disembowelling in your
species - Fatal or non-fatal?
[Zoidberg holds some cash up to Bender.]
Large bet on myself in round one!
[Edna stands by the Emperor.]
Edna, have you anything to say before
begins the Claw-Plach?
I do. I just want to say that today
I got up and I had a piece of toast.
Then I brushed my teeth--
(shouting) Shut up!
I love you, Fry!
[Zoidberg growls and reaches his claws out to Fry. Guards restrain
Fry, having guessed what animal I was
thinking of, you shall have first choice
of weapon. And you, doctor?
I choose my own claws! I want the tactile
pleasure of chopping him right here
in the gonads!
[He points at Fry's neck.]
Shh! Nobody correct him!
[Bender leans over the bleachers.]
Fry, I've never asked you for anything
before but if it's not too much trouble,
when it comes to the ninth round just
let him win.
But it's a fight to the death!
Oh, so this is suddenly all about you.
[He storms off.]
Please rise for the national anthem.
[Decapodians hold their hands to their hearts and a woman plays
the incidental music from the Star Trek episode Amok Time on
(shouting) Let Claw-Plach begin!
[Fry and Zoidberg circle each other. Zoidberg spins his claws
around and Fry does the same with his nutcrackers and whacks
himself in the eye. Zoidberg scratches a "Z" in Fry's shirt à
la The Mark of Zorro then scratches "DR" above it. Fry squeals
and backs away. A bright light starts to shine in his eye. He
squints and tries to avoid it.]
[In the stands Bender is reflecting the sunlight off his arm
and into Fry's face. He chuckles. Leela slaps him.]
[In the arena Zoidberg takes a dive at Fry and Fry dodges. Zoidberg
lands in the mud and Fry chuckles. Zoidberg stands on his hands,
kicks off his sandals and starts chasing Fry, clacking at him
with his foot claws. The crowds cheer.]
(shouting) Come on, Fry! Die with dignity!
[Zoidberg carries on chasing Fry.]
[He grabs Zoidberg around the neck with the nutcrackers and Zoidberg
grabs Fry's neck with his claws locking the two together in a
(screaming) Nooo! I can't stand to look.
[Zoidberg looks up at her.]
[Fry dodges his grasp and gains the upper hand by grabbing him
from behind with the nutcrackers and bringing him to his knees.
The crowd chants.]
Psst, Fry. Take a dive.
[Fry grins and tightens the nutcrackers. Sweat pours down Zoidberg's
face and the crowd chants.]
(chanting) Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach!
Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach!
[The crowd gasps.]
My fellow fish monsters. Far be it for
me to question your stupid civilisation
or its dumb customs. But is squeezing
each others brains out with a giant
nutcracker really going to solve anything?
Dr. Zoidberg is my friend. And though
a woman has come between us, I say we'll
always remain friends. And you know
why? One reason.
[Zoidberg cuts his arm off with one clean click of the claws.
Fry looks at his lifeless arm on the ground and pulls his shirt
up around his wound.]
You bastard! I'll kill you! You bastard!
[He picks up his dismembered arm and starts beating Zoidberg
around the head with it. Zoidberg kicks him away and starts to
Wait! Stop! Everyone is gone.
[Zoidberg looks around the empty arena.]
[Cut to: Decapod 10 Beach. The mating frenzy meter has filled
[Cut to: Claw-Plach Arena. They hear the craws of Decapodians.]
[Cut to: Decapod 10 Beach. They run to the beach and gasp.]
[Edna and the emperor are holding claws. They scuttle into the
water along with thousands of other Decapods. They all disappear
underwater and the sea fills with a green slime.]
Oh, my God!
The frenzy! Oh, the greatest experience
in life and I missed it.
[He bursts into tears.]
Aw. I'm sorry, Doc.
[He pats him on the back with his severed arm.]
[Time Lapse. The four walk along the empty beach and seagulls
fly around them. Zoidberg injects Fry with some St. Jonah's Morphine
Ow, ow! Ah!
The frenzy is over. How will I ever
get rid of my male jelly now?
I'll lend you this.
[A seagull grabs his arm and tries to pull it away from Fry.]
[Bender is covered in bird faeces.]
Shoo! Get away! Hey! What's with the
They come to feast after the frenzy.
Once my species passes on its genes,
[He points to the sea which is littered with the corpses of Decapodians.]
You mean you have to choose between
a life without sex and a gruesome death?
[The ship flies away from Decapod 10.]
[Cut to: Ships Medical Room.]
Well it was nice of you to let me reattach
your arm, Fry. Especially after I made
a complete eel out of myself.
[Fry is lying on a table while Leela and Bender watch. He shrugs.]
Yes biggie. I learned to feel things
I'd never felt before: Love, jealousy,
passion for disembowling. I owe it all
to you. There! I pronounce the operation
I may not know from emotions but when
it comes to medicine, forget about it.
[Fry look at his arm.]
I don't mean to nitpick, super-doc,
but do you think maybe you could take
one more whack at this?
[He points at his arm. Zoidberg has attached it to his other
arm so he has two on the same side. Zoidberg turns around with
For you, my friend, anything.
[The ship flies towards Earth. Fry screams from inside.]
(from ship) My legs!
(from ship) Alright, alright, third
time's the charm.
[He saws again and another limb falls off and splats.]