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Оригинальные сценарии:

ACV: Почему я должен быть влюблённым в ракообразное? | Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love

Автор сценария: Eric Kaplan
Режиссёр: Brian Sheesley
FUTURAMA

Episode 209

"WHY MUST I BE A CRUSTACEAN IN LOVE?"

By

Eric Kaplan

Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet



[Opening Credits. Caption: From the network that brought you
"The Simpsons".]


[Planet Express: Lounge. An advertisement plays on TV. A plumberbot
reaches down a toilet with his arm and a jingle plays.]


SINGERS
Call Robo-Rooter when you flush your
towel ...


PLUMBERBOT
... And we can also help with an impacted
bowel.


[He whirls his hand around.]


SINGERS
Robo-Rooter!


[Fry and Bender sit on the couch. Bender drinks back beer while
Fry eats something.]


FRY
Mmm. Mmm! Now this is what I call a
thousand years of progress: A Bavarian
creamdog that's also self-microwaving!



[He presses a button on the side of the creamdog and it microwaves
itself, as well as Fry's face, which is left with black scorch
marks. He takes another bite. Bender tip his empty bottle upside-down.]



BENDER
Aw, jeez. Let's just pray I have the
energy to get myself another beer.
Oh, what is this? The Middle Ages?



[He just about manages to move under the stream of beer. Enter
Amy and Leela in gym gear.]


LEELA
Look at you guys. No offence, Fry, but
you've become a fat sack of crap.



[Fry licks some cream off his finger.]


FRY
Sack?


AMY
And, Bender, your beer belly's so big
your door won't even close. And that
doesn't even make sense.


LEELA
Come on. We're taking you pigs to the
gym.


[Enter Zoidberg wearing a vest and sweatbands around his head
an wrists.]


ZOIDBERG
The gymnasium? Excellent, excellent.
For some reason I'm frisky as a squid
on Tuesday.


[He clacks his claws.]


[Outside NNY Dumbell Club. Fry, Leela, Bender, Amy and Zoidberg
walk into the gym. A sign in a gym window advertises "New - Windowless
Rooms For Ugly Exercisers".]


[Cut to: NNY Dumbell Club. They pass some gym patrons, including
a six-legged alien on a running machine, a woman using a Kegelcizer
and a punch bag with arms and gloves repeatedly punching Larry
in the stomach.]


AMY
Hey, who's up for a nice hot steam?



[Zoidberg shakes his head.]


ZOIDBERG
We crustaceans don't like steam. I'm
going to go work out with the Nautilus!



[A nautilus appears behind him with a basketball.]


NAUTILUS
What up, Dr. Z?


ZOIDBERG
Yo, yo, yo! Whassup whassup! Give up
the rock!


[The Nautilus passes him the ball and Zoidberg runs off chuckling.]



[NNY Dumbell Club Steam Room. Leela, Amy and Fry relax in the
steam.]


FRY
Co-ed steam rooms! I love the future!



LEELA
Uh, Fry, you're in the womens' steam
room.


FRY
Ah, futuristic!


AMY
Psst, look what life was like before
genetic engineering.


LEELA
Those poor 20th century women.


[Fry crosses his legs, embarrassed.]


[Outside Steam Room. Amy walks out of the steam room with a towel
wrapped around her and sees a man in a steam machine.]


AMY
(sexfully) Hey, handsome. Is there room
in there for two?


[The man snorts.]


MAN
You wish!


[The machine opens and there really is no room for Amy. The man
has a huge blubbery gut that has been forced into the shape of
the machine. He gets out of the machine and his gut falls back
into its natural shape. Amy shudders.]


[NNY Dumbell Club Weight Room. Fry lifts some weights. Enter
Leela.]


FRY
Hey, Leela, look who's the super-stud!



LEELA
Hmm, somebody must have turned down
the gravity. I'll fix it for you.



[She turns the Gravistat from "Lo" to "Norm". Fry drops the weights
on his neck and starts to choke. Enter Zoidberg.]


ZOIDBERG
Give me that. More weight!


[Leela and Bender put some more weights on the end. A big fin
comes out of the top of Zoidberg's head like The Creature From
The Black Lagoon.]


FRY
Hey, Dr. Zoidberg, what's that jazz
on your head?


ZOIDBERG
Enough with the questions. More weight!
More! More!


[He growls and his pupils go crazy.]


LEELA
Maybe you could do more rips with less
weight.


[Zoidberg growls and cuts the dumbell. Amy and Fry scream and
fall to the ground.]


BENDER
Hey, looks like Zoidberg's finally coming
out of his shell. Get it? He's coming
out--


[Zoidberg gets up and knocks Bender over then runs rampage around
the room, knocking over equipment and people.]


[Cut to: NNY Dumbell Club Bike Room. People calmly pedal on the
exercise bikes. Enter a growling Zoidberg, making them peddle
faster, not really going anywhere.]


[Cut to: NNY Dumbell Club Pregnercise Pool. Randy leads a session
in the pool full of pregnant women.]


RANDY
Nice and gentle, we don't want any unnecessary
stress. Is there a doctor in the gym?



ZOIDBERG
I'm a doctor!


[Randy trembles and four more women give birth.]


[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. Zoidberg sits on the lab table
with his claws bound. The rest of the staff stand around him.]



LEELA
I wonder why Dr. Zoidberg is acting
this way. Out of all of us he always
seemed the most normal.


ZOIDBERG
I am normal. (sexfully) Amy, take of
these rubber bands and I'll show you
how normal I am!


[Amy's clothes have been ripped to shreds and her hair is a mess.]



AMY
Fool me seven times, shame on you. Fool
me eight or more times, shame on me.



FRY
Maybe he has a parasite.


HERMES
Maybe he is a parasite!


BENDER
It's always so sad when a friend goes
crazy and you have to have a big clam-bake
and cook him! Yee-haw!


[He puts his chef hat on. Farnsworth walks past with a syringe.]



FARNSWORTH
Now, now, this won't do. Let me just
give old Zoidy a sedative.


[He tries to poke the syringe needle into Zoidberg but it just
breaks on his shell.]


ZOIDBERG
Ah, much better. You can take off these
rubber bands now.


AMY
I'll do it.


LEELA
(simultaneously) Stop!


FRY
(simultaneously) No, Amy!


BENDER
Moron!


[Farnsworth puts a stethoscope on Zoidberg's head.]


FARNSWORTH
Mm-hm... Oh-ho! Aha! There's the problem.



ZOIDBERG
Give it to me straight, Professor. Is
it fin rot? It's fin rot, isn't it?
Tell me it's not fin rot!


FARNSWORTH
Relax, my chiton-y chum. There's no
problem. You're just heavy with male
jelly.


LEELA
Bleck!


FARNSWORTH
It must be mating season for Zoidberg's
people. A chaotic time when his behaviour
is dictated by the tiny brain in his
rump.


FRY
Eck!


FARNSWORTH
There's only one thing we can do...



BENDER
I'll get the water boiling!


[He starts to leave, now wearing an apron with a lobster on it
as well as his hat.]


FARNSWORTH
...We, by which I mean you, will have
to rush him to his ancient homeworld
which will shortly erupt in an orgy
of invertebrate sex.


FRY
Oh, baby, I'm there!


LEELA
Fry, do you even understand the word
"invertebrate"?


FRY
Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested
in. (shouting) Uh, no need to pack pants,
people. Let's roll!


AMY
Dr. Zoidberg said I should hold these
while he's gone.


[She holds up the rubber bands. The staff stare at her, gobsmacked.
Bender slaps his head in disbelief.]


[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Zoidberg growls and the others
scream.]


BENDER
(from inside) Moron!


[The ship flies down to the sandy world of Decapod 10. Most of
the planets surface is water, with a few sandy island dotted
here and there. The buildings are made of sand.]


[Cut to: Decapod 10 Planetary Spaceport. The ships landing gear
extends and it skids along the sandy runway until it comes to
a stop in a parking space. The Fry, Leela, Bender and Zoidberg
walk out and are greeted by a Decapod man standing underneath
a banner that says "Welcome Maters!" The man puts a garland over
Zoidberg, whose fin has disappeared.]


DECAPOD MANM #1
Welcome home, old friend. Just 19 hours
until the mating frenzy!


[He points to a giant water clock that is slowly filling with
water.]


ZOIDBERG
Excellent, excellent!


DECAPOD MAN #1
See you there Doctor--


[He says something in the Decapodian language.]


FRY
Is that how you say "Zoidberg"?


[The man runs off crying.]


ZOIDBERG
You didn't have to call attention to
his speech impediment.


[Zoidberg's Car. Fry and Zoidberg sit in the front and Bender
and Leela in the back.]


BENDER
You're looking less nuts, crabby.


ZOIDBERG
I'm feeling less nuts, thank you, because
tomorrow I will be depositing my jelly
in the cloacal vents of a female. (sexfully)
If you catch my drift.


FRY
Who's the lucky lobsterina?


ZOIDBERG
I don't know yet. But I shall attract
one this afternoon with an erotic display.



LEELA
It's amazing that your people can fall
in love so fast.


ZOIDBERG
Love? That word is unknown here. I'm
simply looking for a female swollen
with eggs to accept my genetic material.



FRY
You and me both, brother!


ZOIDBERG
Ah, my old scuttling grounds! Let's
pull over.


[He pulls over. Rather than a normal hover car, he is driving
a car with 10 legs along the sides.]


[Decapod 10 Surface. They look into a rock pool.]


ZOIDBERG
I used to hang out here as a larva.
It looked so much bigger back then.
Who's the tough guy now, Vinnie?



[He eats it.]


[Claw-Plach Arena. Zoidberg, Fry, Bender and Leela look into
an arena where spectators watch two Decapodians fighting.]



BENDER
Look! Outdoor theatre! Let's get tickets.
Oh, let's do!


ZOIDBERG
No, it's the ceremony of Claw-Plach,
where my species fight to the death
over matters of honour. Also whether
abbreviations count in Scrabble. (angry)
They don't!


FRY
I didn't come here to see any activity
involving two guys. Where do you people
do your erotic display?


ZOIDBERG
Same place as your species: The beach.



[Decapod 10 Beach. Fry, Leela and Bender lie on sunbeds. Zoidberg
comes out of a male changing room wearing a grass skirt and a
shell necklace.]


ZOIDBERG
How do I look?


BENDER
Like whale barf.


ZOIDBERG
Then the illusion is complete.


[He walks off, clacking his claws.]


FRY
Hey, I wonder if these guys are here
to watch the erotic display too.


[He points at a group of Decapods with cameras and binoculars.]



DECAPOD MAN #2
Aw, yeah! Aw, wow!


[Zoidberg puts a shell on a mound of sand.]


ZOIDBERG
Perfect! This oughta make me stand out.
Craw!


[Other men "craw" on the beach and women take interest. Fry chuckles.]



FRY
Look how ridiculous they look.


BENDER
Please, he's no different from the rest
of you organisms; Shooting DNA at each
other make babies. I find it offensive.



[Another woman walks past Zoidberg.]


ZOIDBERG
Craw!


DECAPOD WOMAN #1
Keep your jelly away from my eggs!



[She walks off and another woman who sounds like Amy replaces
her.]


ZOIDBERG
Craw?!


DECAPOD WOMAN #2
So not interested.


[She walks off and a third woman approaches Zoidberg.]


ZOIDBERG
Craw!


DECAPOD WOMAN #3
Hmph. I've heard that line before!



[Zoidberg sighs.]


[Time Lapse. The sun is setting and the other Decapod men hold
their mates in their arms along the beach. Zoidberg doesn't.]



ZOIDBERG
Cra-- Oh, what's the point?


[His fin goes back into his head and he sits down on the mound.
Fry, Leela and Bender watch.]


LEELA
Why is Zoidberg the only one still alone?



BENDER
'Cause he's a loser, that's why. He's
the lobster equivalent of Fry.


FRY
Hey! I can get any girl I want anytime
I want. I'm just too busy.


[He starts playing with a yo-yo and the string gets tangled.
He snarls and starts to untie it. Zoidberg sees another woman
and his fin goes up again.]


ZOIDBERG
Edna?! Edna, it's me, Zoidberg. Remember?
From high school? You used to laugh
at me because my face was covered with
barnacles!


[Edna gasps.]


EDNA
Zoidberg? Well I didn't know you were
back in town. I heard you went off and
became a rich doctor.


ZOIDBERG
I've performed a few mercy killings.
So, as long as I'm in town I was wondering
if maybe ... craw?


EDNA
Oh, gee, yeah, I'm just going through
a lot of things right now and-- Look,
Zoidberg, I carry more eggs than any
other female and I owe it to our race
to pick a mate who's stuffed with male
jelly. Maybe a rock star.


ZOIDBERG
Or maybe a doctor?


EDNA
I'm sorry, Zoidberg. You're just an
inferior male specimen. Nice seeing
you again.


[She leaves. Zoidberg's fin goes down and he sits and starts
to cry.]


[Ships Mess. Later that night, Zoidberg sits at the table and
the others stand around.]


ZOIDBERG
(crying) No one will ever want to mate
with me, not with a puny claw like this.
Did you see those other guys? They looked
like giant claws with bodies attached.



LEELA
At least you didn't smell as bad as
them.


ZOIDBERG
(crying) You're right, my stink gland
is weak. Smell!


[He forces her face into his armpit and she struggles and gags.]



FRY
Listen, Doc, if you wanna score you
gotta fake like you're in love. Just
look her in the eye, start crying and
say (fake crying) "I've never been so
happy".


[Leela takes her hand away and scoffs.]


LEELA
If a guy ever did that to me I'd know
it. Wait a second. They've all been
doing that to me. Even Sean!


[She bursts into tears and runs out of the room.]


ZOIDBERG
Hmm, this "love" intrigues me. Teach
me to fake it.


[Ships Rec Room. Fry has set up the room to look like a classroom.
On a board at the front he has written "First Date: Champagne,
Flowers, Lame Conversation". Zoidberg sits at a desk ready to
learn.]


FRY
OK, you're on a date. What's the first
thing you do?


ZOIDBERG
Ask her to mate with me.


FRY
No. Tell her she's special.


ZOIDBERG
But she's not. She's merely the female
with the largest clutch of eggs.


FRY
Well, tell her that. And then?


ZOIDBERG
Then mating.


FRY
No. Make up some feelings and tell her
you have them. Yes?


ZOIDBERG
Is desire to mate a feeling?


FRY
You're not even trying!


[Zoidberg buries his head in his claws and groans.]


ZOIDBERG
It's all so complicated with the flowers
and the romance and the lies upon lies.



FRY
OK, OK, don't worry. The love meister
will take you under his wing.


ZOIDBERG
What? Now there's a bird involved?



[Outside Edna's Apartment Building. Zoidberg stands outside the
sand building and Fry hides under a giant shell with his back
to the building.]


FRY
OK, go ahead.


[Zoidberg throws an octopus at Edna's French window. She opens
it and walks out onto the balcony.]


EDNA
What the--? Dr. Zoidberg, your mating
display failed. Why are you trying to
talk to me?


[Zoidberg shrugs.]


ZOIDBERG
(shouting) I have no idea.


FRY
(whispering) You just wanna talk, it
has nothing to do with mating.


ZOIDBERG
(shouting) I just wanna talk, it has
nothing to do with mating. (whispering)
Fry, that doesn't make sense.


EDNA
Dr. Zoidberg, that doesn't make sense.
But OK.


FRY
(whispering) Start with a compliment:
Tell her she looks thin.


ZOIDBERG
(shouting) You seem malnourished. Are
you suffering from internal parasites?



EDNA
Why, yes. Thanks for noticing.


FRY
(whispering) Now ask her how her day
was.


ZOIDBERG
Why would I wanna know?


FRY
(whispering) You wouldn't. Ask anyway.



ZOIDBERG
(shouting) How was your day?


EDNA
Well first I got up and had a piece
of toast. Then I brushed my teeth. Then
I went to the store to buy some fish.
Then...


ZOIDBERG
Fry, look what you did, she won't shut
up.


FRY
(whispering) That's normal. Just nod
your head and say "Uh-huh"


ZOIDBERG
Uh-huh, uh-huh.


EDNA
...And then you threw an octopus at
my window. You know, Zoidberg, it's
crazy but when you talk this way your
obvious deficiencies as a male seem
... less obvious. Your genes seem less
detrimental. You even stink more.



[Zoidberg looks at Fry.]


ZOIDBERG
Do I ask her to mate now?


FRY
(whispering) Third date!


[Red Primate. At the restaurant that is "For The Land Food Lover
In You", Zoidberg and Edna are on a date, joined by Fry, Leela
and Bender. They sit around a table. Other Decapodians are eating
at other tables. Bender finishes telling a story.]


BENDER
So I returned his artificial heart and
ever since then I've been known by the
name of Honest Bender.


[Everyone laughs and Fry slips Zoidberg a piece of paper.]


ZOIDBERG
(reading) I'd like to propose a toast
to ... coat check number 84.


[He raises his glass.]


FRY
(whispering) Turn it over.


ZOIDBERG
Oh, Edna! (reading) Of all the slimy,
gross crab monsters on this planet,
you are apparently the hottest.


[He raises his glass again. Edna, Leela and Bender glare at him.]



BENDER
Oy.


FRY
That's the most beautiful thing I've
ever heard.


EDNA
Yes, well ... excuse me, I've got to
powder my mouth flaps.


[She gets up and leaves. Zoidberg sighs.]


LEELA
Uh, me too.


[She runs after Edna.]


ZOIDBERG
I'm confused, Fry. I'm feeling a strange
new emotion. Is it love when you care
about a female for reasons beyond mating?



FRY
Nope. Must be some weird alien emotion.



[Red Primate Women's Room. Edna powders her mouth flaps.]


LEELA
Zoidberg said some dumb stuff but he's
a nice guy, really. It's just that Fry's
been telling him what to say and Fry's
a ... do you have idiots on your planet?



EDNA
Fry? You mean words of such beauty came
from the blowhole of that hideous alien?



LEELA
Yeah ... What? Look, never mind the
words. Zoidberg's a doctor. A doctor
honey.


EDNA
Hmm.


[Edna's Apartment Building Corridor. Fry stands outside her door
and reads a message on a fish. "Fry - Let's discuss Zoidberg
- Edna." He drops the fish and it wriggles back into the water.
Fry rings the doorbell which sounds like a sonar beep.]


EDNA
(from inside) Come in.


[She growls sexfully.]


[Cut to: Edna's Apartment. Fry walks in and looks around. The
room is decorated like a fish tank. Edna pulls open some curtains
and walks towards Fry. She is dressed in a dark blue teddy and
fishnet tights.]


EDNA
(sexfully) Hello, Fry. Can I interest
you in some surf and turf?


FRY
No thanks. I just came to tell you that
Zoidberg's really great. He's got male
jelly coming out the wazoo.


EDNA
Well that is where it comes out but
jelly isn't everything. I know Zoidberg's
magical words were really yours. Teach
me to love you, squishy poet from beyond
the stars!


[She runs towards him and he ducks behind the chair. She starts
edging towards him and he moves around the chair.]


FRY
Uh, I'm flattered, really. If I was
gonna do it with a big, freaky mud bug
you'd be way up the list!


EDNA
Hush, you romantic fool! Engage your
mandibles and kiss me!


[She dives on him and they land on a couch. Her mouth flaps snake
around Fry's head and she kisses him. Fry struggles to get away.
Enter a smartly-dressed Zoidberg carrying flowers and champagne.]



ZOIDBERG
Edna, I couldn't stand it any longer.
I-- (angry) Fry!


[He gets so tense his claws clip the bottle neck and it falls
to the floor and breaks.]


FRY
Dr. Zoidberg, it's not how it looks.



ZOIDBERG
(angry) Her caviar is on your neck!



FRY
But--


EDNA
Oh, it's true, Zoidberg. We can't hide
it any longer. Fry and I have fallen
in love and we're going to mate tomorrow.



FRY
What?!


ZOIDBERG
(angry) Fry! I challenge you to Claw-Plach!



[He clacks his claws.]


FRY
English please?


ZOIDBERG
A fight to the death.


[He clacks his claws again.]


EDNA
And if you survive, we'll make sweet
love!


[She clacks her claws. Fry pulls on his hair and screams.]


[Decapod 10 Surface. Decapod guards hold Fry in chains and march
Fry to the Decapod Emperor's throne. Bender and Leela watch.]



DECAPOD EMPEROR
The law is clear. Fry and Zoidberg shall
fight to the death for the claw of the
beautiful Edna.


FRY
But I don't want her!


DECAPOD EMPEROR
Once invoked, the sacred tradition of
Claw-Plach can not be taken back. It
is a recent tradition - only 18 years
old - but it is a tradition none the
less.


[Claw-Plach Arena. Decapodians have filled the amphitheatre to
watch the fight. A Decapod child waves a big foam claw. Zoidberg
walks into the arena and the crowd cheers. The soldiers throw
Fry in and Zoidberg moves towards him with his claws at the ready.]



ZOIDBERG
Get ready, Fry. I'm going to rip your
swim bladder out and show it to you.



[Leela leans over the edge of the bleachers.]


LEELA
Dr. Zoidberg, this is madness. You're
being irrational.


ZOIDBERG
(shouting) Of course I'm being irrational!
I'm in love!


LEELA
Aww.


FRY
Leela!


LEELA
Right, right. You have to stop this
madness.


DECAPOD EMPEROR
Listen, lady, as you can plainly see
I'm a highly desirable male, groaning
with jelly. Yet I embrace a life of
celibacy in order to uphold our crazy
traditions. One of your friends must
die.


BENDER
Fate is cruel and unyielding and what
must be must be. (shouting) Takin' all
bets! I'm giving 9-2 on Zoidberg, the
crab with the jab! The Great Red Hope,
come on baby!


[Spectators wave their money at Bender. Zoidberg takes Fry aside.]



ZOIDBERG
Fry, it's been years since medical school
so remind me: Disembowelling in your
species - Fatal or non-fatal?


FRY
Fatal.


[Zoidberg holds some cash up to Bender.]


ZOIDBERG
Large bet on myself in round one!


[Edna stands by the Emperor.]


DECAPOD EMPEROR
Edna, have you anything to say before
begins the Claw-Plach?


EDNA
I do. I just want to say that today
I got up and I had a piece of toast.
Then I brushed my teeth--


FRY
(shouting) Shut up!


EDNA
I love you, Fry!


[Zoidberg growls and reaches his claws out to Fry. Guards restrain
him.]


DECAPOD EMPEROR
Fry, having guessed what animal I was
thinking of, you shall have first choice
of weapon. And you, doctor?


ZOIDBERG
I choose my own claws! I want the tactile
pleasure of chopping him right here
in the gonads!


[He points at Fry's neck.]


FRY
Shh! Nobody correct him!


[Bender leans over the bleachers.]


BENDER
Fry, I've never asked you for anything
before but if it's not too much trouble,
when it comes to the ninth round just
let him win.


FRY
But it's a fight to the death!


BENDER
Oh, so this is suddenly all about you.
Sheesh!


[He storms off.]


DECAPOD EMPEROR
Please rise for the national anthem.



[Decapodians hold their hands to their hearts and a woman plays
the incidental music from the Star Trek episode Amok Time on
an organ.]


FRY
Uh-oh.


DECAPOD EMPEROR
(shouting) Let Claw-Plach begin!


[Fry and Zoidberg circle each other. Zoidberg spins his claws
around and Fry does the same with his nutcrackers and whacks
himself in the eye. Zoidberg scratches a "Z" in Fry's shirt à
la The Mark of Zorro then scratches "DR" above it. Fry squeals
and backs away. A bright light starts to shine in his eye. He
squints and tries to avoid it.]


FRY
Hey!


[In the stands Bender is reflecting the sunlight off his arm
and into Fry's face. He chuckles. Leela slaps him.]


BENDER
Ow!


[In the arena Zoidberg takes a dive at Fry and Fry dodges. Zoidberg
lands in the mud and Fry chuckles. Zoidberg stands on his hands,
kicks off his sandals and starts chasing Fry, clacking at him
with his foot claws. The crowds cheer.]


LEELA
(shouting) Come on, Fry! Die with dignity!



[Zoidberg carries on chasing Fry.]


FRY
Aha! Oops!


[He grabs Zoidberg around the neck with the nutcrackers and Zoidberg
grabs Fry's neck with his claws locking the two together in a
struggle.]


EDNA
(screaming) Nooo! I can't stand to look.



[Zoidberg looks up at her.]


ZOIDBERG
Huh?


[Fry dodges his grasp and gains the upper hand by grabbing him
from behind with the nutcrackers and bringing him to his knees.
The crowd chants.]


BENDER
Psst, Fry. Take a dive.


[Fry grins and tightens the nutcrackers. Sweat pours down Zoidberg's
face and the crowd chants.]


CROWD
(chanting) Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach!
Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach! Claw-Plach!



[The crowd gasps.]


FRY
My fellow fish monsters. Far be it for
me to question your stupid civilisation
or its dumb customs. But is squeezing
each others brains out with a giant
nutcracker really going to solve anything?
Dr. Zoidberg is my friend. And though
a woman has come between us, I say we'll
always remain friends. And you know
why? One reason.


[Zoidberg cuts his arm off with one clean click of the claws.
Fry looks at his lifeless arm on the ground and pulls his shirt
up around his wound.]


FRY
You bastard! I'll kill you! You bastard!



[He picks up his dismembered arm and starts beating Zoidberg
around the head with it. Zoidberg kicks him away and starts to
choke him.]


LEELA
Wait! Stop! Everyone is gone.


[Zoidberg looks around the empty arena.]


ZOIDBERG
Edna? Honey?


[Cut to: Decapod 10 Beach. The mating frenzy meter has filled
with water.]


[Cut to: Claw-Plach Arena. They hear the craws of Decapodians.]



[Cut to: Decapod 10 Beach. They run to the beach and gasp.]



ZOIDBERG
Edna?


[Edna and the emperor are holding claws. They scuttle into the
water along with thousands of other Decapods. They all disappear
underwater and the sea fills with a green slime.]


LEELA
Ew!


BENDER
Oh, my God!


ZOIDBERG
The frenzy! Oh, the greatest experience
in life and I missed it.


[He bursts into tears.]


FRY
Aw. I'm sorry, Doc.


[He pats him on the back with his severed arm.]


[Time Lapse. The four walk along the empty beach and seagulls
fly around them. Zoidberg injects Fry with some St. Jonah's Morphine
For Children.]


FRY
Ow, ow! Ah!


ZOIDBERG
The frenzy is over. How will I ever
get rid of my male jelly now?


FRY
I'll lend you this.


LEELA
Fry!


[A seagull grabs his arm and tries to pull it away from Fry.]



FRY
Hey, hey.


[Bender is covered in bird faeces.]


BENDER
Shoo! Get away! Hey! What's with the
flying jerks?


ZOIDBERG
They come to feast after the frenzy.
Once my species passes on its genes,
it dies.


[He points to the sea which is littered with the corpses of Decapodians.]



FRY
You mean you have to choose between
a life without sex and a gruesome death?



ZOIDBERG
Yes.


FRY
Tough call.


[The ship flies away from Decapod 10.]


[Cut to: Ships Medical Room.]


ZOIDBERG
Well it was nice of you to let me reattach
your arm, Fry. Especially after I made
a complete eel out of myself.


[Fry is lying on a table while Leela and Bender watch. He shrugs.]



FRY
No biggie.


ZOIDBERG
Yes biggie. I learned to feel things
I'd never felt before: Love, jealousy,
passion for disembowling. I owe it all
to you. There! I pronounce the operation
a success.


LEELA
Hooray!


BENDER
Yeah!


FRY
(laughing) Yeah!


ZOIDBERG
I may not know from emotions but when
it comes to medicine, forget about it.



[Fry look at his arm.]


FRY
I don't mean to nitpick, super-doc,
but do you think maybe you could take
one more whack at this?


[He points at his arm. Zoidberg has attached it to his other
arm so he has two on the same side. Zoidberg turns around with
his laser-saw.]


ZOIDBERG
For you, my friend, anything.


[The ship flies towards Earth. Fry screams from inside.]


FRY
(from ship) My legs!


ZOIDBERG
(from ship) Alright, alright, third
time's the charm.


[He saws again and another limb falls off and splats.]


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