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ACV: Бранниган опять за своё | Brannigan Begin AgainАвтор сценария: Lewis Morton
Режиссёр: Jeffrey Lynch
"BRANNIGAN, BEGIN AGAIN"
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Ships Rec Room. Fry and Bender play a futuristic version of
chess. The pieces are holograms and include an Omicronian, a
Trisolian, a Horrible Gelatinous Blob, one of Kif's people and
one of Zoidberg's people.]
Hmm. Horsey to pointy guy six.Check.
Hmm. Get him, boys!
[Fry screams as Bender's pieces leap off the board and knock
him to the floor and beat him up.]
(hoarse) Good move.
[Opening Credits. Caption: Not Y3K Compliant.]
[Planet Express: Lounge. Fry lies on the couch next to Bender
and Leela leans against the wall reading Cosmopolitan. The door
Good news, everyone.We have a mission
to further the noble cause of intergalactic
Nope. Watching cartoons.
[Leela tips them off the couch.]
What's the mission?
It's a delivery for the Democratic Order
[He points at the label on the package that says "DOOP." Fry
looks at it.]
DOOP? What's that?
It's similar to the United Nations from
your time, Fry.
Or like the Federation from your Star
(getting it) Oh!
Tonight is the ribbon-cutting for the
DOOP's new headquarters.
What are we delivering?
Something without which no ribbon-cutting
ceremony could proceed. The ceremonial
[He takes them out of the box and Leela takes them from him.]
We'll get them there as quickly as we
Alright, but don't run with them.
[The Planet Express ship flies towards the ultra-modern new DOOP
space station located in the Neutral Zone and docks.]
[New DOOP Headquarters. The crew walk into the huge reception
Wow! There's a million aliens. I've
never seen anything so mind blowing.
Ooh, a reception table with muffins!
[He runs across the room. Glab, one of Kif's people, stands at
a podium. A grey man dressed in grey and an orange DOOP sash
stands behind her.]
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the
ribbon-cutting ceremony of the DOOP's
magnificent new headquarters. A fitting
home for an organisation that has fostered
peace throughout the universe. Even
between the Insectoids and the Space
[A spotlight falls on a Space Lizard who is eating an Insectoid.
He spits out the Insectoid and shakes it's hand. Everyone applauds.
At the bar Fry picks at a muffin and chats up someone.]
So, what's it like on planet Amazonia?
[The woman is a huge ten-foot tall Neanderthal wearing leopard-skin
and carrying a club.]
Big rats there. Me crush with club.
That's so interesting. Maybe we could
get to know each other over a coffee.
I can think of no better place for this
centre of diplomacy than here in orbit
around the Neutral Planet.What are
your thoughts on this momentous occasion,
I have no strong feelings one way or
[Everyone cheers, except one man.]
I hate these filthy Neutrals, Kif. With
enemies you know where they stand but
with Neutrals, who knows? It sickens
me.Halt.Why, Leela. I do believe
(whispering) He means you guys did it.
If you don't mind, we're here to deliver
the scissors for the ribbon-cutting.
Then you're under arrest.
[He snatches the scissors away.]
How do I know these scissors aren't
part of some Neutral plot?
But they're not even sharp. Who could
I possibly hurt with them?
The Yarn People of Nylar 4?So, a plan
to assassinate a weird-looking alien
with scissors. How very Neutral of you.
It was almost the perfect crime, but
you forgot one thing: Rock crushes scissors
... but paper covers rock ... and scissors
cut paper. Kif, we have a conundrum.
Search them for paper, and bring me
[Zapp stares at Leela.]
So beautiful, yet so neutral.Drag
them to the ship.
And now, to cut the ribbon, the legendary
DOOP captain who just returned from
a triumphant carpet-bombing of Eden
7, Zapp Brannigan.
[Everyone applauds and looks around in confusion. Zapp has gone.]
[Nimbus Bridge. The Nimbus has moved away from the headquarters.
Leela, Fry and Bender are handcuffed on the deserted bridge.
Zapp paces around.]
What makes a man turn neutral? Lust
for gold? Power? Or were you just born
with a heart full of neutrality?
[Kif points at the reception area on the viewscreen.]
Um, sir, you're supposed to be cutting
the ribbon right now.
No matter. I'll simply cut it from here
with the ships laser.
[He presses a button and a console comes out of the floor. Outside
the ship a huge laser appears from a hatch.]
Sir, I don't think that's wise.
Kif, if there's one thing I don't need
it's your I-don't-think-that's-wise
[He grabs a handle on the console and moves it through Stun,
Kill and Hyperdeath ™. He presses the "Fire" button and shoots
a laser beam towards the space station.]
[Cut to: New DOOP Headquarters. The laser cuts the ribbon and
everyone applauds. The laser carries on cutting and cuts a huge
stone statue of Glab in half. Everyone gasps. The laser carries
on cutting and everyone stands gobsmacked. The station starts
rumbling and explodes. The reception area breaks off and hurtles
off into space with everyone still screaming.]
[Cut to: Nimbus Bridge.]
[Former DOOP Headquarters. The building in Weehauken, New Jersey,
is a ruin with boarded up windows and cracks in the walls. The
DOOP representitives are gathered for Zapp's trial, which Glab
precides. She bangs her gavel.]
Zapp Brannigan, you stand accused of
blowing up DOOP headquarters. How do
Absolutely 99% not guilty.
Then the prosecutor will call his first
[The prosecutor is a giant, green, chicken with tiny glasses
perched on his beak. He stands up and speaks with a strong Southern
Your Honour, I'm just a simple Hyper-Chicken
from a backwoods asteroid but if it
please the court I reckon I'll call
the entire jury.
[Everyone gasps and murmurs.]
I'm going to allow this.
Members of the jury ...... did y'all
happen to catch a gander at who blew
up that there DOOP headquarters?
[They point at Zapp.]
(simultaneously) That's the guy, right
(simultaneously) Oh, yeah, right there.
SMALL GLURMO #1
(simultaneously) That one.
And are y'all gonna vote to convict
(simultaneously) You'd better believe
(simultaneously) You bet.
[Glab bangs her gavel.]
The jury is instructed to disregard
its own testimony.
Your Honour, the prosecution rests.
[He clucks and covers his face with his wing.]
The evidence against Zapp Brannigan
is strong. However, in light of his
years of service, and the incompetence
of this hillbilly prosecutor, I'm afraid
I must dismiss all charges.
[The crowd murmurs.]
Dismiss all charges? Your Honour, I
know the case is closed and you've rendered
your verdict, but I wanna testify.
I'm going to allow this.
[Time Lapse. Leela is sat in the witness box.]
Now, Miss Leela, on the date in question,
were you or were you not wearing a hoop
That's a stupid question. What matters
is Zapp Brannigan is the sorriest captain
I've ever seen, and I saw the idiot
blow up DOOP headquarters with my own
[The crowd gasps. Zapp stands up.]
I'd like to cross-examine the witness.
I'm going to allow this.
[Zapp paces past Leela.]
We've met before have we not?
And on that occasion, did you have sex
with someone? May I remind you you are
still under oath.
Please point out the person in this
courtroom you had sex with.And his
The very same Zapp Brannigan who did
not blow up DOOP headquarters. I rest
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you
may begin your deliberations.
[The jury files out through one door and returns immediately
through another. Small Glurmo #1 is the foreman.]
SMALL GLURMO #1
Your Honour, we have reached a verdict.
We find the defendant ... guilty.
Zapp Brannigan, you are hereby stripped
of your rank as captain and dismissed
from the DOOP.
[Zapp cries as he turns and walks towards the door. He stops
before he reaches it and turns to the court.]
I'd like to make one final statement.
Kif c'mere and hold up the flag.And
wave it a little for God's sakes. My
friends, you can take away a man's title
and his uniform but you can never take
away his integrity or his honour. Plus
it was mostly Kif's fault.
[Kif drops the flag.]
Kif Kroker, you are also stripped of
your rank and dishonourably discharged.
[Kif stammers and sighs.]
[Outside Former DOOP Headquarters. Zapp and Kif emerge from the
building in civilian clothes.]
One day a man has everything, the next
day he blows up a $400 billion space
station and the next day he has nothing.
It makes you think.
No, it doesn't.
Come, Kif, it's time to begin our life
as civilians.That's an order, soldier.
[Kif reluctantly follows.]
[Montage Zapp and Kif wander through the streets of New New York
to Harry Nilsson's Everybody's Talkin' à la Midnight Cowboy.
They stare into the window of a cafe and watch people eating
then turn to passers-by on the street. Kif starts to dance and
Zapp holds up a pot which passers by drop money into. Later that
night, Zapp stands on a street corner and a limo pulls up. The
window goes down and Zapp winks and offers himself to Hattie.
She shakes her head and points at Kif. Kif gasps and Zapp ushers
him into the car. The door closes and it speeds off.]
[Planet Express: Hangar. Fry and Bender wash the ship.]
[Fry squirts him with the hose and he giggles and throws his
sponge at Fry, who ducks. The sponge flies over his head and
hits Leela in the face.]
Alright, this is the third hose fight
I've broken up today and the second
one using actual hoses. Now move your
lazy asses and start scrubbing the ship
like I ordered you to.
You don't have to get so mad, Leela.
Yeah, Fry already wiped off some of
the dirt with his finger.
[He points at a doodle Fry has done of Leela and speech bubble
with "Yak Yak Yak" in it. Leela growls. The doorbell rings and
she goes to answer.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Entrance. She opens the door to a down-and-out
Zapp and Kif.]
Leela, I didn't know where else to turn.
You're the only woman who ever loved
I never loved you.
I mean physically.
What do you want?
Just let me work for a little food.
Perhaps I could paint a fence, or service
you sexually, or mop the floors.
You don't know how to do any of those
[Leela prepares to press the slam button when Farnsworth turns
Leela, who are you talking to?
Just a broken-down hobo who's hit rock-bottom.
And his commanding officer.
Why, you're that disgraced starship
captain.Having him on staff will distract
people from our horrendous safety record.
[Planet Express: Meeting Room. Zapp and Kif join the crew around
the big table.]
I'd like everyone to meet our new employees.
(whispering) Which ones are new?
The green dude and the fat man.
Hmm, I could swear I've never seen that
robot before either.
I'm Bender. You know? The lovable rascal.
Oh, yes, yes. My good friend, of course.
Anyway, whoever you all are, I have
good news. You'll be making a delivery
to Stumbos 4, a planet with such high
gravity you'll most likely be crushed
under the weight of your own hair. Enjoy.
[The ship flies towards the green planet.]
[Cut to: Ships Cargo Bay. Zapp peers around the doorway and watches
Leela pilot the ship. He turns away and the door closes.]
So, this Leela. I know she's a very
sensuous woman but what manner of captain
She's really strict.
I see. Does she by any chance give the
No, she just makes us do work and stuff.
Good, good. But should she ever institute
some sort of bare-bottom spanking policy
let me go in your place. I won't have
my comrades harmed.
Hey, this guy's alright!
[He takes some bottles of Löbrau out of his chest cabinet and
passes them around.]
Here's to us poor schmoes working for
the man. Even if he is a hot, sexy,
[They guzzle down the beers.]
[The ship goes into orbit around the planet.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Kif stands next to Leela.]
I've computed out landing co-ordinates,
Thanks, Kif. Very nice work.
[Kif sighs then stops.]
I said "very nice work".
This is the happiest day of my life.
[He hugs her.]
[Stumbos 4 Surface. The ship lands and the landing gear creaks
and groans under the immense gravity.]
[Cut to: Ships Cargo Bay. Leela has assembled Fry, Bender and
Zapp and holds a clipboard.]
OK, crew, listen up. Your job is to
delivery these 40 pillows to that hotel.
[She points through the window at a hotel on a hill. Bender holds
They're not very heavy but you don't
hear me not complaining.
They're not heavy in here because we
have an anti-grav pump. But once you
get out on the surface the gravity will
be very intense.
Hey, no prob', this lead apron'll protect
[Leela rips it off him.]
I don't want any screw-ups. Use the
hover-dolly and just deliver one pillow
at a time.
Hey, here's an idea, let's deliver all
the pillows at once.
That's using the old noodle!
[Stumbos 4 Surface. The ships cargo lift comes down and Zapp
pushes the hover-dolly off it with all the pillows on it. The
three are hit by the enormous gravity. Bender struggles to stay
upright but his legs are crushed under him. Fry tries as well
but his legs buckle. Zapp struggles too.]
Come on, girdle. Hold!
[His girdle breaks and his huge flabby gut spills out from under
his sweatshirt. He groans. So does the hover-dolly. Then it breaks.]
[Leela and Kif walk down the ships steps. Her hair is pushed
flat and Kif is squished.]
What the hell happened?
Some breaking occured, the dolly was
involved, that's about all we know.
I told you dumb apes not to overload
it. Each of those pillows weighs 150lbs
Alright, don't get your panties in a
knot. We'll just use the back-up dolly.
I'll start loading up the pillows.
No way, Jack. You disobeyed an order,
so now you have to deliver all 40 pillows
Let me ask you a serious question, Leela:
Does the company that made your bra
make a girdle as well? I ask because
a friend of mine--
Just get to work.
[Time Lapse. Fry, Zapp and Bender drag the pillows across the
surface, leaving huge furrows in the ground.]
(mocking) I'm Leela, get to work, neh
[Ships Cockpit. Leela looks bored stiff listening to Kif.]
The point is, it's just so humiliating
working for that man. Once, he actually
ordered me to ... shave his armpits
while he was in the bathtub. So, I said--
Y'know, why don't we talk about something
besides Zapp for a while?
Oh, alright. Um ... well ... how 'bout
then, um...OK, well, there he was in
the tub, alright?
[Stumbos 4 Surface. Zapp, Fry and Bender continue the delivery.
They struggle and stop. Thunder cracks above.]
Ah, some good old high-gravity rain.
That'll cool us off.
[He holds his tongue out and the heavy rain knocks him to the
ground. They crawl under a rock out of the rain.]
This is all Leela's fault.
Yeah. If she had let us use the back-up
dolly, we could have broken it, given
up and gone home by now.
Y'know boys, a good captain needs many
skills, such as boldness, daring and
a velour uniform. And I'm not convinced
Leela has any of those things.
Ah, Leela's not that bad. I just wish
she didn't make us work so much.
Back when I was captain all I asked
from my men was their complete loyalty.
If I had that, then for all I cared
they could sit around the whole day
drinking beer in their underpants.
[He and Bender look at each other and grin.]
But now, Zapp's not captain anymore.
I'm free!Oh, you hear that? I'm actually
[Enter Zapp, Fry and Bender.]
This is a mutiny.
You're outta here, lady. Zapp's the
[Zapp handcuffs Leela. Fry already has his shirt off and raises
All hail the new captain.
[He unzips his trousers and lets them fall down.]
[The ship speeds away from Stumbos 4.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Zapp is sat in the pilot's seat.]
Leela, you might be a formidible do-er
of the nasty but I am forced to relieve
you of your post.
On what grounds, you slobbering oaf?
Failure to prevent a mutiny. Throw her
in the brig.
We don't have a brig.
Then throw her in the laundry room,
which will hereafter be referred to
as "the brig".
[Ships Laundry Room. Bender and Fry lead Leela inside.]
You really don't want me to be captain
You got it, genius.
But, didn't I do a good job?
You were mean and you yelled and you
made us do all that work.
Sometimes a captain needs to do those
things. Besides I, I thought we were
Yeah, well, you shouldn't have been
such a mean captain then.
[He turns and leaves.]
Don't worry, Leela, soon we'll be able
to look back on this and laugh.
[He walks out, looks back and laughs insanely.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry and Bender return. Zapp is wearing
his DOOP uniform.]
Back in my old uniform, and it nearly
still fits. Even after all that fattening
[Kif, back in his uniform too, holds up Zapp's other clothes.]
What shall I do with your civilian clothes,
Take them to the laundry-brig.So,
do I have your loyalty, men?
To the ends of the universe.
Ten hundred percent!
That's not nearly loyal enough. I order
you to sit around and drink beer until
you're as loyal as Kif here.
[He hands them some beers and Kif returns.]
Yes, sir, sir!
Um, may I have a beer, sir?
No. You're loyal enough already. Meanwhile,
I have a plan. We will single-handedly
attack our archenemy the Neutral Planet.
Once the neutral war machine lies in
ruins, I'll be a hero again and the
DOOP will reinstate me as captain.
But, sir, that plan makes no sense.
Maybe not to you, Kif, but if I recall
correctly, you were court-martialed
Nailed you, buddy!
[They clink their bottles.]
[The Planet Express ship flies towards the neutrally grey Neutral
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Zapp is in the pilot's seat and Fry and
Bender man their stations.]
Prepare to continue the epic struggle
between good and neutral.
This is awesome! We're gonna be like
pow-pow-pow, and they're gonna be like
...... and then we'll have pancakes
to celebrate and I'll be like...
[He makes pancake-eating noises.]
Precisely. Now, in the name of all that
is good and honourable, we'll call the
Neutral President with a message of
peace, then blast him.
Yes sir, sirdy-sir-sir-sir!
Fly the white flag of war.
[The white flag is hoisted on a flagpole atop the ships laser
[Neutral Capitol. The Neutral headquarters, located in Neutropolis,
bears the motto "Live Free Or Don't". The Neutral President's
office is quite small and decorated with various shades of grey.
He sits at his desk and an aide stands next to him. Zapp is on
a huge wall screen.]
This is Zapp Brannigan of the good
ship ... Planet Express Ship. I come
swinging the olive branch of peace.
All I know is my gut says maybe.
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Zapp turns the communication screen off.]
What now, chief?
Now we crash the ship into their headquarters,
killing them in a hellish firestorm
from which no living thing can escape.
Good, good, then what?
Then your mission is complete. I, meanwhile,
will have ejected to safety, wearing
the only spacesuit on board.
[Fry and Bender cheer and high-five.]
Wait a second. Is this plan gonna kill
Of course. What do you think I meant
by "loyalty"? Now help me into the only
spacesuit. It looks a bit sweaty in
there so you may need to apply baby
[Ships Laundry Room. Leela, still handcuffed, folds some sheets
while Kif pours some washing powder into a cup. Fry and Bender
Leela, we want you to be captain again.
Let me guess. He cancelled naptime?
He ran out of beer?So he's about
to kill us?
[Ships Cockpit. Zapp is now wearing the spacesuit. Enter Leela,
Kif, Fry and Bender.]
We want Leela to be captain again.
So it's mutiny is it? I never thought
I'd see the day. Come, Kif, let's eject.
I found a children's spacesuit you can
To be honest, sir, I'd rather stay here
with Captain Leela. She actually listens
to what I have to--
[Leela shoves the helmet on his head and Zapp puts the suit on
him which is decorated with stars and planets. He picks him up
using a handle on the back and Kif kicks and mumbles before finally
sighing. They leave the room and fly away from the ship. Leela
wrestles with the wheel.]
Oh, no! He's disabled the steering.
We're gonna crash!
Leela save me ... and yourself, I guess
... and my banjo.And Fry.
OK, OK. We have one chance. Are you
willing to do what I say as captain?
Even if I make you work hard?
As your God is my witness.
Then go get the hover-dolly you didn't
break and load all the dark matter into
the left engine.
Oh, man, that crap's heavy.
Just do it.
[The ship streaks through the planet's atmosphere and starts
to burn up.]
[Cut to: Neutral Capitol. An alarm dings and the aide runs in.]
If I don't survive, tell my wife, "Hello".
[Ships Cockpit. Leela turns on the communication screen.]
Hurry! I don't wanna die at the age
Honey, unless we hit a time warp, I
wouldn't worry about it.
[Cut to: Ships Engine Room. Fry and Bender pull the dolly towards
the left engine.]
It's too low.
[He lies underneath the dolly and Fry works him like a car jack,
tipping the pellets into the fire.]
[Cut to: Outside Ship. The ships engine flares up and it turns
away from the planet.]
You did it! You actually did it!
[Fry and Bender cheer and high-five.]
And no one will have to punish anyone
for the mutiny.
[Former DOOP Headquarters. Everyone is back in the courtroom
And so, when Captain Leela panicked,
perhaps distracted by female troubles,
my quick thinking allowed me to do whatever
I did to save the day.
Captain Leela, is this rambling story
of magic and heroism true?
(whispering) That a girl! If they don't
take him back we can keep him as captain.
[Zapp winks at Leela and click-clicks. She stands up.]
Your Honour, it's all true: My female
incompetence, Zapp's cat-like reflexes,
the stuff that made no sense, all of
[The crowd gasps.]
In that case, Zapp Brannigan, I hereby
restore your rank and parking privileges.
[She bangs her gavel and the crowd cheers. Fry hugs Bender and
Come, Kif, we've got work to do.
[He mimes shaving his armpits and tosses Kif the razor. Kif sighs
and turns to Leela.]
I-I'll call and tell you about it.
[Planet Express: Hangar. Leela looks over the railings and watches
Fry and Bender scrub the ship.]
Leela, I just want you to know that
even though you're mean, you're the
best captain ever.
Yeah, you're one dynamite lady. Can
we have a week off?
Come on, Captain.
[Farnsworth passes behind her.]
No time off.