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Хотел бы я быть тупым и жестоким! (105)
ACV: Космический пилот из 3000 года | Space Pilot 3000Автор сценария: David X. Cohen, Matt Groening
Режиссёр: Rich Moore, Gregg Vanzo
"SPACE PILOT 3000"
David X. Cohen & Matt Groening
Transcribed by Dave, The Neutral Planet
[Over the caption December 31st 1999 a crude spaceship flies
through space, cruising over and under planets and a man speaks.]
(voice-over) Space. It seems to go on
and on forever. But then you get to
the end and the gorilla starts throwing
barrels at you.
[A planet opens up and a huge gorilla starts throwing barrels
at the spaceship. It dodges a few but one hits it and it explodes.
The gorilla thumps its chest and "Game Over" flashes on the screen.
The spaceship and gorilla isn't real and the man, called Fry,
was playing an arcade game called "Monkey Fracas Jr". He is in
his mid-20s, wears a red jacket and has orange hair with two
distinct forks at the front. There is a little kid standing next
to him. The game is against the wall in a pizzeria called Panucci's
And that's how you play the game!
You stink, loser!
[Mr Panucci, a middle-aged balding man wearing a vest, leans
over the counter with a pizza box.]
Hey, Fry. Pizza goin' out! C'mon!!
[Fry sighs, takes the pizza from him and walks out.]
[New York Street. Fry cycles past people enjoying their New Millennium
Eve. A cab pulls up and he sees his girlfriend inside.]
Michelle, baby! Where you going?
It's not working out, Fry. I put your
stuff out on the sidewalk!
[Time Lapse. Fry is still on his bike getting more and more depressed.]
I hate my life I hate my life I hate
[Cut to: Outside Applied Cryogenics. He stops outside a building
and locks up his bike. A man sneaks up behind him, cuts the chain
and steals his bike.]
Happy new year!
[Applied Cryogenics. Fry steps out of the elevator on the 64th
floor. He knocks on a door marked Applied Cryogenics. A sign
underneath indicates No Power Failures Since 199. No one opens
the door so Fry goes in.]
[Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. The room is empty and there are no lights
on. Strange pods about 6ft tall line one of the walls. There
are a few other machines around the room and a desk and a chair
in the middle of the room. Fry wipes some condensation from a
window on one of the pods, revealing the face of an inanimate
man inside. He turns around.]
Hello? Pizza delivery for......Icy Wiener?!
Aw, crud! I always thought at this point
in my life I'd be the one making the
crank calls!Here's to another lousy
[He unenthusiastically raises his hand and toasts.]
[Cut to: Time Square. Crowds have gathered for the countdown.
10 appears on a huge screen.]
[Cut to: Paris. A screen on the Eiffel Tower displays 9.]
[Cut to: Vatican City. The Pope holds up a sign with "VIII" on
[Cut to: Egypt. Egyptians crowd around the pyramids.]
[Cut to: Athens. People are gathered around the Parthelon.]
[Cut to: Great Wall Of China.]
[Cut to: Taj Mahal.]
[Cut to: African Village.]
[Cut to: Tokyo. A screen displays 2.]
[From space the whole planet sees in the new millennium.]
[Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. Fry unenthusiastically blows a party
blower and starts losing his balance on the chair. It tips back.
Fry waves his arms around trying to regain his balance. As he
falls he doesn't see the shadow of a small creature under the
desk. The chair tips back and Fry falls off it and rolls backwards
into cryogenic freezer number 40. The dial on the machine automatically
sets itself for 1000 years.]
[He looks around and screams. In a flash he is frozen in time.]
[Time Lapse.Days and nights and eventually years pass à la The
Time Machine as he stays locked in the freezer. Civilisation
is destroyed by aliens twice until eventually huge buildings
spring up around Applied Cryogenics. The timer stops 1000 years
later and the door opens. Fry is unfrozen. Initially disorientated,
he stumbles around and notices something to his right. He presses
his face against a large window and stares in awe.]
My God! It's the future. My parents,
my co-workers, my girlfriend. I'll never
see any of them again. Yahoo!
[Opening Credits. Caption: In Color.]
[Cryogenics Lab. Fry is still looking out of the window. The
door opens and two shadows walk in.]
(dramatically) Welcome to the world
[The other shadow turns on the light. They are lab technicians
both wearing white lab coats. The dramatic one is called Terry.
He is a blonde Caucasian with large glasses. The other is called
Lou, a black haired Asian.]
Why do you always have to say it that
Haven't you ever heard of a little thing
Come, your destiny awaits!
[Applied Cryogenics Corridor. The technicians leave Fry outside
the Fate Assignment Officer's office.]
Have a nice future.
[The door slides open.]
Cool! Just like in Star Trek!Ow!
[Cut to: Fate Assignment Officer's Office. A woman wearing a
black uniform stands with her back to Fry looking at a clipboard.
She has purple hair held up in a ponytail.]
Good afternoon, sir.Name?
I'm Leela. Now it's New Year's Eve so
I'd like to decide your fate quickly
and get out of here.
Can I ask you a question?
As long as it's not about my eye.
Is it about my eye?
Just ask the question.
What's with the eye?
I'm an alien, alright? Now let's drop
Cool, an alien! Has your race taken
over the Earth?
No, I just work here.
[Fry looks out the window. A passing blimp wishes people a Happy
New Year 3000. Leela follows his gaze.]
Wait a minute! Is that blimp accurate?
Yep. It's December 31st 2999.
My God, a million years!
I'm sure this must be very upsetting
Y'know, I guess it should be but actually
I'm glad. I had nothing to live for
in my old life. I was broke, I had a
humiliating job and I was beginning
to suspect my girlfriend might be cheating
Well, at least here you'll be treated
with dignity. Now strip naked and get
on the probulator.
[Probulator Room. Fry lies on a metal table surrounded by lots
of things designed to probe him. Leela puts a single lensed goggle
on and presses a button. Fry squeaks.]
[Time Lapse. Leela tears off a printout and reads it while Fry
starts to get dressed.]
Interesting. Your DNA test shows one
living relative. He's your great great
great great great great great...
[Time Lapse. Fry is now fully dressed.]
...great great great great great nephew.
That's great! What's the little guy's
Professor Hubert Farnsworth.
[She turns the page over to show Fry the photo. Farnsworth is
an old bald man who wears thick glasses.]
[Fate Assignment Officer's Office. Leela types something on a
Y'know, I'm the luckiest guy in the
whole future. I've been given a second
chance and this time I'm not going to
be a total loser.What's that?
Your permanent career assignment.
[She turns the screen around to show him his career. "Career:
Delivery Boy" is all that is written on the screen.]
Delivery boy? No! Not again! Please!
[He grabs Leela's hand.]
Take your hands off me! You've been
assigned the job you're best at just
like everyone else.
What if I refuse?
Then you'll be fired...
...out of a cannon into the Sun!
But I don't like being a delivery boy.
Well that's tough! Lots of people don't
like their jobs but we do them anyway.
You gotta do what you gotta do! Now
hold out your hand, I'm gonna implant
your career chip. It'll permanently
label you as a delivery boy.
[She picks up an implant gun. It has two huge spikes on the end.]
Keep that thing away from me!
[He gets up and runs out of the room.]
[Cut to: Applied Cryogenics Corridor. He runs from the office
into another room.]
[Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. Leela runs in after Fry and he dodges
the implant gun.]
Hold still, damnit. I don't have good
depth perception!You've got until
the count of five to let me out of here.
[In a flash she is frozen.]
See you in a thousand years!You owe
[New New York Street. Fry runs out of the building and looks
in awe at the sights around him.]
[Spaceships take off, there are traffic jams in the sky and billboards
advertising Bachelor Chow. A couple walk past him nearly naked
except for some strategically placed black bars. He looks up
and sees people flying through a green tube overhead. He walks
around a corner and finds an entrance to the tube. A pedestrian
JFK Jr. Airport.
[The man is sucked up into the tube.]
Cool!Um. Cross Town Express?
[The tube sucks him up and he screams as he flies through it.
People look up from the street and stare at him. He is taken
across the city, past the Statue of Liberty, underwater and finally
out the other end smack into a building. A man looks up from
[Time Lapse. A hover-car flies over a line of traffic on the
road and a police car chases it. Fry walks around a corner and
sees a line of people outside a small grey booth.]
Hey! A phone booth! I can call my nephew.
Wow, a real live robot! Or is that
some kind of cheesy New Year's costume?
Bite my shiny metal ass.
[Fry looks around at the robot's ass.]
It doesn't look so shiny to me.
Shinier than yours, meatbag!
[Fry steps into the phone booth. He overlooks the important sign
outside that differentiates it from normal phone booths. It is
actually a suicide booth.]
[Cut to: Suicide Booth. Fry presses a button and nothing happens.
The robot steps in behind him.]
Listen, buddy, I'm in a hurry here.
Let's try for a twofer!
[He puts a coin on a string in the slot then pulls it out again
and chuckles. A pleasant woman's voice speaks.]
Please select mode of death: "Quick
And Painless" or "Slow And Horrible".
Yeah, I'd like to place a collect call.
You have selected: "Slow And Horrible".
Great choice!Bring it on, baby!
[Time Lapse. The robot is getting impatient.]
C'mon, c'mon! Kill me already! By the
way, my name's Bender!
[He holds out his hand.]
Help! What's happening?
[The sharp things lunge at them. Fry pushes Bender to the side
of the booth. The sharp things stab and twist at the air and
finally return to behind the hatch.]
You are now dead. Thank you for using
Stop-N-Drop, America's favourite suicide
booth since 2008.
[Cut to: New New York Street. Fry runs out gasping.]
Lousy stinking rip-off!Well I didn't
have anything else planned for today.
Let's go get drunk!
[Cryogenics Lab. The timer on Leela's chamber runs out. The door
opens and she defrosts.]
...two, three -- Hey!
(dramatically) Welcome to the world
Shut up, Terry.
[Ipgee's Office. Leela's boss sits behind a large desk and she
stands in front of it.]
This is unacceptable, Leela. You must
find this Mr. Fry and install his chip.
Look, he's just a nobody who doesn't
want to be a delivery boy. I'd really
rather not force it on him.
Well that's your job, whether you like
it or not and it's my job to make you
do your job whether I like it or not
- which I do - very much! Now get to
work!Life is good!
[O'Zorgnax's Pub. Fry and Bender are sat at the bar. Bender drinks
a bottle of Olde Fortran malt liquor.]
Why would a robot need to drink?
I don't need to drink, I can quit anytime
I want!So they made you a delivery
boy, huh? Man, that's as bad as my job.
Really? What do you do Bender?
I'm a bender. I bend girders, that's
all I'm programmed to do.
You any good at it?
You kidding? I was a star! I could bend
a girder to any angle: 30 degrees, 32
degrees, you name it! (unsure) 31. (normal)
But I couldn't go on living once I found
out what the girders were for.
Suicide booths!Well, Fry, it was a
pleasure meeting you, I'm gonna go kill
[He gets up.]
Wait! You're the only friend I have!
You really want a robot for a friend?
Yeah, ever since I was six.
Well, OK. But I don't want people thinking
we're robo-sexuals, so if anyone asks,
you're my debugger.
[Fry looks out the window and sees Leela.]
Oh, no, it's the Cyclops!Don't look!
I'm not looking!
[His eyes zoom in to Leela.]
[Cut to: New New York Street. Leela shows Fry's photo to a man.
The man points to him inside the pub. Fry and Bender run off.
Leela talks into her wrist communicator.]
This is officer 1B-DI requesting back-up.
[The cops, Smitty the human and URL the robot, are standing right
behind Leela. Smitty replies in his wrist communicator.]
We'll be there in five minutes.
[Outside Head Museum. Bender stops Fry outside the building.]
We can hide in here, it's free on Tuesdays.
[He runs up the steps dragging Fry behind him.]
[Cut to: Head Museum. Hundreds of heads in jars are stacked on
shelves. Leonard Nimoy's head in a jar is on a platform in the
middle of one of the rooms.]
Welcome to the Head Museum. I'm Leonard
Spock? Hey! Do the thing!
[He does the Vulcan salute from Star Trek. Nimoy chuckles.]
I don't do that anymore.
This is unbelievable! What do you heads
do all day?
We share our wisdom with those who seek
it. It's a life of quiet dignity.
[Enter a woman.]
[She shakes a box of what looks like fish food over the jar.
Nimoy eats what comes out.]
[The door opens and Fry turns around. Enter Leela, Smitty and
[She looks around and sees Fry and Bender hiding behind a shelf
in amongst other assorted heads.]
I'm sorry, Fry, but I have to install
your career chip.
Yeah, well, if you're sorry why are
you doing it?
It's my job. You gotta do what you gotta
[Fry backs away and hits a shelf with the heads of US presidents
[Richard Nixon's head falls off. The jar smashes.]
That's it! You just made my list!
[He jumps up and starts biting Fry's arm.]
Ow! Stoppit! Down boy! Bad president!
[Bender tries to pull Nixon's head off.]
Alright, buddy, step away from the head!
[Fry and Bender put their hands up.]
I'm gonna get 24th century on his ass!
[They turn on their lightsabers and start to hit Fry.]
Please, officers, there's no need to
Let us handle this, weirdy.
[He hits Bender.]
Oh, come on, he's just a poor kid from
the Stupid Ages.
Keep your big nose out of this, eyeball!
No-one makes fun of my nose.
[She kicks Smitty and URL. Fry and Bender run off and hide in
You guys were totally out of control.
It's our job. We're peace officers.
Yeah, you know the law: You gotta do
what you gotta do.
[Head Museum Hall Of Criminals. Bender locks the door.]
Oh, we're trapped!
[Fry looks to the end of the room. There is a window with bars
Wait a second. You're a bender, right?
We can get out of here if you just bend
Dream on, skin tube. I'm only programmed
to bend for constructive purposes. What
do I look like, a de-bender?
Who cares what you're programmed for.
If someone programmed you to jump off
a bridge would you do it?
I'll have to check my program...yep.
C'mon, Bender! It's up to you to make
your own decisions in life. That's what
separates people and robots from animals...and
You're full of crap, Fry!You make
a persuasive argument, Fry.
[He starts to bend the bars.]
Come on, Bender! You can do it.
[The bars bend and break off completely.]
You were right, Fry! From now on I'm
going to bend what I want, when I want,
who I want! I'm unstoppable!
[His arms fall off but he manages to somehow reattach them without
I don't know how you did that.
[Leela kicks the door open. Fry and Bender dive out through the
[Cut to: Outside Head Museum. Fry runs off and Bender bends the
bars back so Leela can't climb through. He runs after Fry and
Leela reaches out through the bars.]
(shouting) No, thanks.
[Cut to: Alley. Fry and Bender stop at a dead end. There is a
drain below them with a grate over the top.]
Looks like one of us will have to bend
[He flexes his fingers but Fry just lifts it. Bender sighs and
they climb down the ladder. He reaches back up to the grate and
bends it just for the hell of it. He chuckles and follows Fry.]
[Ruins Of Old New York. Fry and Bender step off the ladder and
look over the vast ruins of the city that looks like the city
from Beneath The Planet Of The Apes. Collapsed buildings and
rubble litter the streets and holes in the roof let in a few
shafts of light, giving the place and eerie atmosphere.]
Good Lord! What is this?
It's the decaying ruins of Old New York.
Welcome home, pal!
[Time Lapse. Fry and Bender walk down an old ruined street.]
Its my old neighbourhood. Man, this
brings back a lot of memories.
Keep 'em to yourself, pops.
[Cut to: Ruins of Rockefeller Center Skating Rink. Fry leans
over a wall.]
This is where I brought my girlfriend
on our very first date.
[Flashback. Fry skates with Michelle on the crowded ice.]
[Flashback ends. The ice is gone, replaced with murky green waters
inhabited by a green tentacled creature.]
My God! She's gone. Everyone I ever
knew or cared about is gone.
Wait! There's someone you know!
[He points at Leela, standing with her implant gun.]
Oh, can't you leave me alone? I'm miserable
Look, I know it's not much consolation
but I understand how you feel.
No, you don't. I've got no home, no
[Bender leans in behind him.]
...My whole world is gone. You can't
possibly understand what it feels like
to be so alone.
I understand. I'm the only one-eyed
alien on this whole planet. My parents
abandoned me here as a baby and I don't
even know what galaxy they were from.
I know how it feels to be alone.
Look, Leela, I don't understand this
world but you obviously do, so I give
up. If you really think I should be
a delivery boy, I'll do it.Your chip.
What are you doing?
Because I've always wanted to. I just
never realised it before I met you.
[She puts her hand on his and smiles. Bender puts his hand on
What is the matter with you?
[Bender quickly takes his hand off.]
I just wanted to be part of the moment.
Hey, he stole my ring!
Sorry.Well, that solves the mystery
of the missing ring. This calls for
[He reaches into his chest cabinet and pulls out three bottles
of beer...and drinks them all himself.]
I don't wanna spoil the party but we're
all job deserters now. We're unemployed
and we have nowhere to go.
Correction. We're unemployed but we
have a doddering old relative to mooch
[He holds up the picture of Farnsworth.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lounge. Professor Farnsworth is
asleep in his chair. The TV is on and Dick Clark's head presents
and a programme.]
CLARK [ON TV]
Hello, I'm Dick Clark's head. Welcome
to a special year 3000 edition of New
Year's Rockin' Eve!
[The crowds around him cheer. The doorbell rings and Farnsworth
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Farnsworth opens the door to
Fry, Bender and Leela.]
Who are you?
I'm your dear old Uncle Fry.
I don't have an Uncle Fry.
You do now!
[He pushes Farnsworth back inside.]
[Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lounge. Farnsworth and Fry are
hooked up to a DNA machine. It dings and a red light flashes.]
By God, I am your nephew! This is absolutely
Can we have some money?
Oh, my, no.
[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab. The four walk in.]
Let me show you around. That's my lab
table and this is my work-stool. And
over there is my intergalactic spaceship!
And here's where I keep assorted lengths
[He opens a drawer but Fry is more interested in what's in the
Whoa! A real live spaceship!
I designed it myself. Let me show you
some of the different lengths of wire
Attention, job deserters! Come out
with your hands up. We have you partially
[Bender literally shits a brick.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. Smitty holds Nixon's head in
a jar. The glass is cracked and taped in places.]
Get those bums!
[Cut to: Planet Express: Farnsworth's Lab.]
Well, we're boned!
Can't we get away in the ship?
I suppose it is technically possible.
Though I am already in my pyjamas.
[Fry and Leela run towards the ship and Bender carries Farnsworth
under his arm.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry runs in and sit in a seat in front
of a control panel.]
I'll get us out of here.
[He presses a few buttons and pulls a lever. A little hatch opens
in the control panel, a paper cup come down and the machine fills
it with coffee.]
Can anyone drive stick?
I can. As long as I don't have to parallel
[She takes off her coat, sits in the pilot's seat and pushes
down a lever.]
[Cut to: Planet Express: Hangar. Klaxons beep and a huge piece
of machinery lifts the ship to a 45-degree angle. The entire
hangar roof retracts so it is open for the ship.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. There are now many peace officers
all armed with laser rifles stationed outside. URL sees the roof
If they try to take off, give 'em an
ass-ful of laser.
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit.]
Prepare for lift-off. Ten.
[Cut to: Time Square.]
[Cut to: Egypt. The future pyramids now rotate in mid air.]
[Cut to: Paris.]
[Cut to: Alien Ship.]
(in alien) Six.
[Cut to: Cryogenics Lab. Lou sits in an open pod and Terry raises
[Cut to: Head Museum. Leonard Nimoy is wearing a party hat.]
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. Fry, Bender and Farnsworth are sat on
a couch at the front of the cockpit.]
[He is so tense that he rips the arms off the couch.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express. The ship takes off.]
[Cut to: Times Square. People cheer in the new millennium and
fireworks explode all over the city. "3000" is projected onto
the moon and the ship flies between the fireworks.]
[Cut to: Outside Planet Express.]
[The peace officers fire their laser gun randomly into the air.]
I can't see nothing. Pretty though!
[The altitude of the ship increases and laser bolts narrowly
[Cut to: Ships Cockpit. The ship clears New New York airspace,
flies through the atmosphere and heads through the solar system.
So I guess without jobs, we'll be fugitives
Not necessarily. Are you three, by any
chance, interested in becoming my new
New crew? W-What happened to the old
Of those poor sons of -- but that's
not important. The important thing is
I need a new crew. Anyone interested?
Yes! Yes! That's exactly the job I've
Thanks for the offer, Professor, but
we don't have the proper career chips.
Oh, that won't be a problem. As luck
would have it I saved the chips from
my previous crew.
[He empties the career chips out of an envelope marked "Contents
Of Space Wasps Stomach".]
This is awesome! Are we gonna fly through
space fighting monsters and teaching
alien women to lurve?
If by that you mean "transporting cargo"
then yes. It's a little home business
I started to fund my research.
Cool! What's my job gonna be?
You will be responsible for ensuring
that the cargo reaches its destination.
[The smile fades from Fry's face.]
So, I'm gonna be a delivery boy?
[Fry thinks for a moment but doesn't seem to mind.]
Alright! I'm a delivery boy!
[He waves his hands in the air and the ship flies on.]